Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

I'm OK but yes the thoughts of suicide can be overwhelming I almost did lastnite I'm sorry you feel that way.I have noone the ones I thought I had were the ones actually telling me to do it.I hate that my life holds no value an that the one I love could care less if I did.I hope you don't let your self do it .YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING I PROMISE...anyway I wanna self harm to just to know I'm not dead already i know how you feel she's actually doing it now an I can't control myself from crying uncontrollably I'm sorry I hope it gets better for you

Sorry you're experiencing that too. I'm glad you didn't do it last night and I hope you won't in the future. Did someone actually tell you to kill yourself? Every life holds value. Also yours. You're not dead, I couldn't write with you otherwise, could I? Are there skills you could use? Totally understand the urge though... crying can be relieving sometimes *hands over tissues*

Can u helpe me I did something dumb

JD, if you need help, please contact your T!

Idk at the moment all my skills have been over looked an put down....I have no idea where to start my body has been trashed ..thanks SH and self medication... that I dont have the greatest self confidence that I once had 6 1.2 yes ago or 3 yes even....I have my heart handed to and my head messed with everyday.I told her I'm doing fine....but I was crying while typing it...she gets attitude won't answer the phone my Lil girl does....but noone would talk...and I feel so alone an all I wanted was for her to not tell me to die just for one day....I can't live the nightmare of causing her so much animosity towards me I hate myself and Idk why its like this.... I know I ****ed up so maybe I deserve it.....but I'm losing it I've been this low....I'm sorry just really hits me hard

Or... Anyone, in fact... Anyone who can help you? What's going on?

I cut my arms because the voices said they'd go away if i. Well I did and they lied to me. I should have known. I'm going to sleep soon I guess I just fell in the hole again

I am sorry for my behavior

You don't need to be sorry. Just try to stay safe Sleep sounds like a good plan.

How can I be saved I just hope an pray it gets better for anyone who's out there feeling this way....im done its so bad I can't even check the phone to read her texts why its gonna be nothing but a kill myself buffet....I'm sorry it's fine people can keep the mind games for someone who can handle it sad thing is fhey all know....her the most...so break me down if it makes them feel right so be it....the world doesn't need another thought from me going off line an off technology for a while thanks everyone who isnt patronizing me....that's what I'm always gonna think online so I'm gonna go for awhile sorry ...probably gonna just eat some pills an watch TV if it will eveb work take care

Hugs JDNA. If you don't feel better in the morning please call your t.

I second this. Please try to get some sleep JD. And try to stay safe...

Oh man JD plz have hope an faith someone needs you here just try to remember one day at a time an try...I hope you feel better

CW,

Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin.*

ATAT

*Basically, your days are numbered and you have been found wanting. The writing on the wall.

haha!
Oh JDNA. I'm worried about you

i really wanted you to text back, anything , but i forgot you are not a mind reader OK would have done or even thanks..

T, it sounds like you're putting me on a "probation period"? You wouldn't let me book appointments 2-3 weeks in the future like we normally do. You said we could schedule future appointments during our next session, but you quickly added "...maybe". Why "maybe"?!?! Was it because I ranted about your colleague today? I'm very sorry because I didn't mean to offend you or anyone, but the truth is that your colleague is giving me misinformation and it bothers me, so I had to bring it up in therapy, seeing as it agitated the f_ck out of me. I mean, my pdoc is causing me health problems!!

I thought anything goes in therapy. Guess not, huh?

I love you

Yesterday was awesome, best session ever. I left feeling great....

Thanks for responding to my email. You're right, I do tend to get anxious/emotional at the end of sessions but I'm not sure what more we could do to help me calm down. I think part of it is just knowing that I have to wait a week again to talk to you on top of all the stuff that got stirred up during the session. I'm curious about what you'll suggest doing.

See you in a couple days.

T,
Normally, I'd see you today. I don't know how I'm going to go another two more weeks. I miss you so much. I'm happy you wrote me back today, but I want more. I wish I could get an email from you everyday!

Can you please not disappoint me tomrrow?

T,

I hope she doesn't tell you how startled I was by her question... If she does... please don't ask any further questions?

Dear MC,
I hope you're able to say something quick back to me, despite being busy this week (and off the next 2 days). Even if it's just, "It's OK. Let's just discuss this in session Monday." I feel bad for the texts/e-mail, but I'm going to do my very best to not contact you again before we see you. I'll just sit with the anxiety. Even though I fear you've now decided you're tired of dealing with me. Though...I guess that would make my decision about what to do here easier, but I'd rather be the one to make it. (Unless maybe I'm subconsciously pushing you away and being mean to you in the hopes that you'll cut the cord so I don't have to...)
Love,
LT