My working theory that my current therapist is a robot. Like an R2D2 kind of robot. Maybe RTDT because she's a T.

RTDT won't even tell me her favorite color... I like blue and pink, and I want to know if RTDT likes those colors. And she doesn't even show emotional reaction when I say things!

She is definitely RTDT

I'm not trying to be some psycho stalker creep who climbs up the side of her house in the middle of the night and opens the window. "I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP."

My other T's told me basic things like, "Oh, yeah... I live in __ town and I like to do XYZ." So I'm not looking for anyone's life story. I just want to know her interests and see if she can relate on some topics. It's not a "must have" sort of deal... just a "nice to have".

[stopdog]

The woman tells me stuff unbidden - but I have no idea if it is true or not. I mean she could say her favorite color is blue - but it could really be red and she just made something up. (I don't know or care about her favorite color - it is just an example). For me, it makes no difference about the therapist and her personal stuff at all - and I think she lies about most things she says.
So while she does not act particularly secretive, her acting does not mean she is not.

[Waterbear]

I think my T generally doesn't show a lot of herself to her clients. I don't think most have a need for it, the adults, that is, and probably wouldn't tend to ask too much. One if my first sessions I said I had some questions to ask my T and she was all like, "let's look at what that means to you to know those things" and I thought "oh, no, here we go...". I only wanted to know her favourite colour and how old she was, whether she used to be a teacher. She works with a lot of kids and I guess they must ask her stuff like that. I guess she probably answers some of them. She did answer my questions and has answered most of the ones I have asked since, though they aren't too invasive or deep. Stuff about where she is going on holiday. Building work being done. Garden plants etc. Mostly just as it arises in our time together. Saw her with her daughter once so asked questions about how many kids, grandkids etc. Which she answered, though I did already guess because there was a picture of them on a pen in her pen box, which I showed her. Must admit, I haven't checked it was there or not recently. Presume she may take it away so that others didn't see it.

She has said that it is a concern that things she tells me may change the way I see her, and I agree, which is why I am careful not to ask questions which I may not want to hear the answer to, but stuff like favourite colour, I mean come on. I don't understand how I can be expected to build a trusting relationship with someone who doesn't even trust me enough to tell me that! I am glad she understands my need for this and does it despite it not being the norm for her.

Not at all. My T told me the Cliff Notes version of his therapy story in our very first session. It would be hard for me to do this with someone I had emailed twice and talked to for a total of 50 minutes. It was incredibly meaningful to me that he did that, considering the majority of my first session was me telling the brief version of my history and bemoaning psychotherapy in that I'm not sure it works. So +1 for therapeutic self disclosure.

We've also talked about his family a little, professional interests (since we have similar education backgrounds), and I know he's very eco friendly.

But favorite color? I'm kind of like SD in the regard that I don't really care that much about my T as a person. He's a professional service that I pay for.

The difference between SD and me, though, is I very much want T to care about me. But I digress.

[atisketatasket]

I rather like CW's refusal to answer any personal questions and also her ability to avoid mentioning any personal stuff. I have never been much interested in the other therapists' lives, though they volunteered stuff.

But OP, I am curious, why would knowing her favorite colors help you? I could see how knowing she loves dogs and you do too could help you bond, but not colors. (The only person in my life whose favorite color I know is my mother, and that information is about thirty years old.)

[Unrigged64072835]

My T brings up things every once in a while, if he thinks it would help with the session. It's okay, because I forget most of what he says.

Not secretive at all. He's a pretty open book.

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I rather like CW's refusal to answer any personal questions and also her ability to avoid mentioning any personal stuff. I have never been much interested in the other therapists' lives, though they volunteered stuff.

But OP, I am curious, why would knowing her favorite colors help you? I could see how knowing she loves dogs and you do too could help you bond, but not colors. (The only person in my life whose favorite color I know is my mother, and that information is about thirty years old.)

It's not so much knowing what her favorite color is... it's basically, "Well, you won't tell me ANYTHING, but will you at least tell me your favorite color?" Nope, not even that.

Though, to stopdog's point, my T could just lie about everything. Dunno.

I just don't see the harm in hiding your favorite color. I mean, I was testing the waters to see how much she would be willing to tell about herself, hence the color question. There is a bonding piece (as you mentioned) that I think can be useful/healthy. Obviously color isn't going to create bond, but you know... "i like bikes!" "oh, me too!" is much more meaningful

[unaluna]

Ive found a good time to ask my t questions is when he's half asleep midway thru a boring session, maybe his guard is down. Also when its close to his birthday or xmas, he always likes to say how many shopping days until.

I just realized i do know his favorite color, but a) its an alma mater of his and b) its like the only color i hate so talking about it always gets my back up.

But its not like i PLAN questions. I get the feeling he is kind of amused by them, because i am just plucking them out of the air, and we are both just going along with the process. Its usually not too long before the questions lead to something more intense. Like this week i asked if he dressed up his dogs. He said no, but they do have U hoodies for when its too cold. Too sweet!

[Amyjay]

My therapist discloses quite a bit of stuff in person and select info online. I wonder how much thought and intention she gives to her disclosures. She is very up to date and scientific with issues around treating clients with trauma history and generally very thoughtful and deliberate in her approach. So whenever she discloses (usually a couple of things every session, some small, some larger) I usually think about why she is choosing to disclose that particular piece of information and wonder what she is hoping it will achieve.

[BonnieJean]

My t doesn't voluntarily self disclose anything about her personal life or family. I've figured out we both like to read. Early on i saw a novel on her desk on my way out that I had read. I made a comment about the author. She responded like a deer in the head lights. I remember feeling hurt that she feels she has to totally block info about herself. I guess I'm used to it now.

[rainbow8]

It's funny that just last session I asked T what her favorite color is. I asked her about 5 years ago and I think she told me a certain blue that I like too. This time she said blues and greens, but she doesn't really have a favorite color.

When I asked her 5 years ago, I asked a lot of other questions like favorite song, movie, book, and even what she was afraid of. It didn't matter what questions; I just wanted to know more about her

She is not secretive except about her boyfriend, and she used to be about her husband too. She volunteered information about her kids, like when she was driving one of them to college. But she doesn't usually talk about herself unless I ask her. When I guessed about her divorce, she answered me. She even answered when I asked if she was living with her boyfriend, and if she was going to get married!

When I ask where she's going when she travels, she tells me. So I think she is kind of secretive because she doesn't volunteer information unless it's relevant to me. When we did EMDR, she told me she used the same kind of experience as I did once. About having toileting accidents in school. She recently volunteered the information that she had to put her dog down and it was difficult.

[velcro003]

The only question I've ever asked T was what her favorite colors were, because I was going to make her a birthday card (of which i never did, and later she told me she wasn't allowed to accept gifts...but not sure if that counted?), and she told me.

Besides that, she is a very open person, and she shares stuff related to whatever is going on in my life. So i know I don't "know" her, but I know stuff about her.

[MobiusPsyche]

Not secretive but very intentional in what she shares and when. It has to have a purpose.

[Elio]

Weirdly secretive. Rarely offers information about herself. Often asks me why I want to know or what I think it might be when I ask questions of her. I know maybe upwards of 20 random facts about her life and likes. Some of that I have found out from other sources than her. After 1.5 yrs, that is not a lot of disclosure.

ETA: she does share some thoughts around my therapy, she laughs, smiles, and other nonverbal communications based on topic at hand.

My last therapist was very secretive and blank slate. She didn't share any thoughts or feelings and only told me two little anecdotes that were slightly personal the entire time I saw her. During the time that I saw her I found the relationship more and more difficult. I found it hard to feel a human connection with her. I felt somehow to be 'other' in my relationship with her. I felt rejected. Looking back I wonder if it was a power thing. I also think that perhaps my T had her own stuff that meant that she couldn't be very real with me. I think that there are ways that we, as humans, make connections with each other and build secure relationships, and that can involve connecting about trivial things like colours, in the process of talking about such things we might smile or laugh and that is how we build a relationship. My old T never smiled or laughed with me. I think that T's should think about how to build a secure relationship, it doesn't just happen. Thankfully my new T is completely different.

[annielovesbacon]

I don't ask my T many questions about her (mostly I say "How are you?" and she always says she's good) so I guess I haven't really tested the waters to see how much she would be willing to tell me.
She will sometimes tell me small tidbits about herself when relevant or if she feels it's helpful (for instance I mentioned being a fan of a sports team and she said she was too as she went to school there).
To be honest, there is a part of me that is dying to know every detail about her. I want to know her backstory, if she is married or seeing someone, is she happy? But knowing those things would mean our relationship would no longer be therapeutic, so obviously that can't be. Even chitchat about unimportant life things would be a waste of time to me -- as much as I am interested in her life (because I care about her, not because I'm a stalker or something) I need to spend my limited time in therapy to focus on me.

My ex t discloses a lot in sessions so I never really had to ask her anything because she would tell me. New t however is more secretive. I am not sure it's secretive, I think it's more like she is giving me the space to explore what I want to explore. I think if I asked a t their favourite colour and they didn't tell me, I would run for the hills. If someone can't tell you that basic question, I mean really who do some therapists think they are. That feels like withholding and power and control. I would try a more relational therapist. I really like those kind of ts.
I think I would prefer a robot than some therapists. I wonder did your family withhold things from you Bluebicycle? I know mine did and they never tell me anything and so I am particularly sensitive around with holding and secrets. I always feel left out and on the outside.
I had a blank slate t once and it was a nightmare for me, the guessing and wondering about her really fuelled my erotic transference.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

My T shares frequently. I mean, not life story stuff but we talk about our kids and things like that frequently. I have a feeling if I did ask him a question he would answer. I don't though. I think I have stricter boundary issues than he does and am very careful not to get too close to that line.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

My last therapist was very secretive and blank slate. She didn't share any thoughts or feelings and only told me two little anecdotes that were slightly personal the entire time I saw her. During the time that I saw her I found the relationship more and more difficult. I found it hard to feel a human connection with her. I felt somehow to be 'other' in my relationship with her. I felt rejected. Looking back I wonder if it was a power thing. I also think that perhaps my T had her own stuff that meant that she couldn't be very real with me. I think that there are ways that we, as humans, make connections with each other and build secure relationships, and that can involve connecting about trivial things like colours, in the process of talking about such things we might smile or laugh and that is how we build a relationship. My old T never smiled or laughed with me. I think that T's should think about how to build a secure relationship, it doesn't just happen. Thankfully my new T is completely different.

My experience with my most recent T was very similar to Brown Owls, although my T never even shared one anecdote. While I don't feel that my T was on a Power Trip, it sure felt that way and the imbalance of power was one of the things that drove me crazy. I was in a similar situation and she wouldn't answer my real questions, so I asked her if she ate pizza and she wouldn't answer that either! And like you, I could not care less if she eats pizza or what her favorite color is, it's that she wouldn't answer the damn question! This would frustrate me beyond belief.

I should add that I was so frustrated by the whole blank slate thing that I looked her up online and found out a ton of stuff about her and her family. I ended up telling her this because I felt guilty and she was soooo angry! She really felt that I had violated her privacy, but I felt that all of the info was right there and I didn't have to pay for it and I certainly didn't hack anything, but she saw it differently. And our relationship really went down hill after that. She said that she wasn't mad anymore, but she was still sometimes a little passive aggressive with info. For instance, she was going away and I asked her where and she just said the one word name of the state in a tone that suggested, how dare I ask!

Occasionally if I was in the middle of a story and mentioned a place or a thing, I'd just say, "have you been there" and she would answer in the moment, but if I ever just sat there and asked a question, she would never answer! I hate the blank slate so much that I ended up finding a new Therapist who is not a blank slate. And I can email her and she always responds. I'm having trouble feeling really connected but am giving it some time.

I completely understand what you're going through BB!

[junkDNA]

he is not secretive at all, or about most things, especially about his dislikes and likes, every day life, his family, etc. he has a trauma history which he has shared with me over time, appropriately. and has struggled with MI hisself. with that said he does not share some things, like i suspect he and his wife lost a baby recently (she was pregnant and maybe miscarried?). of course he did not bring that up with me

[anais_anais]

L was very nondisclosing early on. I didn't know anything about her for years except that she offered that we went to the same very small college (identifying other alumni is exciting for us) but recently she has opened up occasionally. She tells me little stories about her family mostly. I know she has adult children, one of whom is a son and on the autism spectrum, I know her mother is an amazing cook and her siblings are all chefs, I know where she grew up, I know she goes to Burning Man every September. That's about it.

M is not secretive at all. He does not tell me about events or problems in his personal life- that is a boundary and I'm glad- but I know a lot about him and his family background-wise. Ages, locations, professions, ethnicities, the schools they went to, etc. Lots of things too about his college years, the clubs he was a part of, the dorms he was in (guess what, we went to the same college too, as did my chiropractor as I found out later, all extremely weird and unlikely!) I don't mind knowing this stuff at all. The info usually works its way into relevant anecdotes or small talk as I'm putting my coat on or writing a check. He does have a book of poems published, though, with extremely personal stuff in it, so I know more about the issues he's dealt with than he's said directly. He directed me to the book himself so I suppose he's not overly concerned with keeping that info concealed. There are a few things in there I'd rather not have found out.

I like that they are not so blank-slate (and M, certainly not at all). It's been interesting to see L switch from almost complete non-disclosure to something more casual. The effectiveness of our therapy has improved along the same time frame. If the two are related, and I think they are, I think I'm more comfortable opening up to a person I can identify with, even in very small ways.

[Myrto]

In the four months I've been seeing my therapist, she has never talked about herself. Not once. Since her approach is analytical I suspect she's mostly blank slate. I mean she hasn't said anything about it so I'm just guessing. So far this has not bothered me. I've googled her a bit and found her FB account. One of her profile pictures is with her kids so I know she has two kids. I don't really care about her personal life and I don't think about what she does in her private time. I prefer it that way: I became completely obsessed with my ex T and I don't want to recreate that kind of unhealthy obsession. So far my T's blank slate approach suits me.

[rainboots87]

My T is genuine and open when it's for my benefit. I work in the field (not as a T) and we know the same person- that person once let a couple of personal things slip about her, despite being attempting to be vague. We discussed it and she had no problem acknowledging those personal things, but said she hadn't brought them up because they don't really apply to me or affect me. Overall, that's how she handles things. If she feels it might benefit me, she asks if I want her opinion/thoughts/perspective or whatever, and if I say yes, then she'll share. I always say yes. If I'm asking a question in the first place, she answers. Maybe not always the way I want, depending on the topic, but she doesn't try to hide things. She's very much a T who believes in being genuine and honest in the therapeutic relationship.

[ruh roh]

I take up all the airtime on myself, so I'm not sure if the lack of intel on my therapist is due to secrecy or the fact that my therapy is about me. She has shared some things, though, and that's been helpful. In contrast, the therapist I had before her talked about herself a lot, and that was not helpful because it felt like whenever I tried to share something that bothered me, she had experienced something worse.