Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

I emailed in your super bill to be paid. Honestly i am relieved. Honestly

hi t. that was a difficult conversation earlier. when the phone rang so many times i expected to get your voice mail and then you answered and i felt like this but i managed to say what i needed to say. i'm really rather surprised that when you saw it was me you didn't just let it go to voice mail...

Under 72 hours.. it's always under 72 hours by this time today. Will it really feel any different come Monday that there was only 4 days between sessions rather than 5 when I didn't get my post session message? Do I even tell you that I'm missing it or just accept that this is part of the change, the new way of life for me? Maybe eventually it won't be an either or situation. I can tell you that I miss them and accept that they are not coming back. I don't think it's been a thought for you. If I never say anything will you wonder? Just another thing to add to the list of not to do with you. I'm going to need my work phone which will mean that your notification will go away.

What if I don't want to be the grown up?

If i had known that telling you that stuff would result in discussons of my eating habits I would not have told you. Its the other thing that is really bothering me the starving/overeating is only what I deserve.

No one will replace you. It's hard finding someone else. Damn you for leaving.

Just a thought - can you take a screenshot with the message and then use it as background image?

T,

The kids asked us to go swimming with them, to go to the pool. I'd love to go. Instead I'm sitting here crying because obviously I can't

What did I do to myself?

MC,
Sorry for another e-mail--at least that one was really short. I just felt bad for bringing up some of that stuff. Just say something, please? Before our session Monday? Even just "Read it, let's discuss Monday." I know it's the weekend, but you've also often responded on weekends (plus I think you work every other Sat.--not sure if this is one of them). I mean, maybe it's just that you went on a randomly timed vacation that started Thursday and will be returning tomorrow. And you didn't read your e-mails from Monday on. And then you'll get all the e-mails at once, and I'll just seem like a needy, annoying, pathetic patient. But then, you already knew that about me, right?
Love,
LT

Hi FM,

I have a free time for the next month plus, and so I hopped back on for a bit. Yes, yada, yada, yada.... Travel has been great. I have met and befriended (some) lots of interesting people from around the world. Thank you for helping me learn and embrace the gift of connection.

FM,

I got up at 5 am, because I was told I would see a beautiful sunrise. I was not so lucky today but have been lucky to see, do, and lot of other things and meet a lot of nice people along the way. But I will arise early tomorrow to try again before I leave the 29 floor and head to the island.

Dear t,

I'm so angry. Not at you, just in general. And

Dear Dr. S,

I'm mad at you today. First it was about the AVS messages and the fact that you haven't mentioned them, acknowledged that they are not going to be coming after you thought that they might not be going away with the new EMR. Well they have gone away, and I valued them.

Then I bought something for the little boy at a yard sale and I wasn't even a block away before the shame hit and I regretted the purchase. That is what has happened through this rupture. And your comment on Thursday didn't help things here. Damn you.. Damn you. This circuit has been activated and now everything everything seems to just make it stronger. I'll hide what I bought. I'll take the books back to the library.

Bit by bit, I'll leave you,
-me

How can I believe your words again?

Truth is I love you
More than I wanted to

Trying to get back to my center, t. Using what you've taught me.

MC,
Aaaaaaagh! Just say something--please? It's been 5 days--yeah one was a holiday, but then, 4 days.
LT

Please answer me, T......

Just saw you on TV... And my heart is broken. I miss you already

But!
You were in your cabinet, so I could see that picture I gave you
MY GIFT IS AS TV-STAR NOW

Less than zero.

I quit. I quit everything.

It was strange to hear you talking about sex, I'm blushing

Dear Current T --

I know for a fact that you'll yet again have no clue whatsoever as to why I'm canceling.

I'd consider laying it out for you -- again -- but I'm exhausted too.

Just knowing that you could in a moment of anger, blurt out really sensitive clinical information about a client of yours that I see regularly while simultaneously telling me that you didn't think my issues merit all that much attention but then immediately do your customary back flip of how clearly, no, really, that's not what you meant at all and if I think otherwise it's just my mommy issues again............yeah, I'm not sure who needs therapy more here.

- AY

Dear T,

I see you tomorrow (i hope!). I want you to pull me closer to you. Since you do not do that, I get angry and frustrated and wonder how long should I sustain this torture of yearning and longing for a person who will never be available in a unconstrained capacity?

Erotic transference is so ******* awful! I feel that I am wasting my energy and resources which I already feel have that I do not have enough of.

I hope that my feelings settle down and I can detach from you easily and painlessly.

Regards,

Analysand

happened on friday for me too lol

Dear M
I missed you tons this week

I kept thinking of you because I knew you would be proud of me painting and buying enough food and making plans and doing things for fun. I'll tell you about it on Monday. So please act proud of me? Ok?

And can I have a hug please? Do I only get hugs when I am sad?