Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

T,

I already told you that I am not sure that I can promise that I will reach out to you anymore, when I am really bad. You seemed to understand why that is, but still encouraged me to. I am just feeling really confused about the whole therapy thing right now. You told me to call your cell phone instead of text which seems way more intrusive then a text message. And if this whole misunderstanding was just because you can't always be available then why tell me to keep trying to get a hold of you if I need. Like you seriously gave me a list of way to get a hold of you if I really needed you. But T, I really needed you the day I texted and I got nothing.

I feel like you are sending mixed signals- on one hand you said the work limitations multiple times during our next session, but during that same session reassured me it was okay to still contact. I am so not over this and I am not sure why I am so stuck on this....

BT

I am never going to get the things you said out of my head. And I'm sure you haven't given it another thought since we talked.

V, I need help....Thanks.

Dear MC,
I feel like I should apologize for sending that apology, but it's been sort of gnawing away at me. (And yes, only I would apologize for apologizing...) I'm not looking for forgiveness--just want you to accept the apology. You'll say I shouldn't have been thinking about you, that I was right to focus on me. And yes, from a therapeutic sense, that's probably true. But from a caring human being stance, I should have let you grieve in peace instead of turning it into some sort of referendum on the therapeutic relationship and demanding an explanation from you. That's the last thing you should have had to deal with then.
Love you,
LT

Hey t!! I just realized something as I'm kicking back and relaxing to celebrate my birthday. This is gonna be the year of me, t. Thank you for helping me GET here!!! Thank you for the awesome team that we have been. You often tell me that I do all the work... but I know that's not true, of course. It's no "happy accident" that got me here. You've been gently helping me find my own path. And yes I've been stubborn (a lot!) and refused to walk where you've illuminated the path before me, but you stayed by me anyway and continued helping me navigate until I finally found my own path and put my feet upon it. And, when I've wandered off, you've waited for me to find my way back. I so greatly appreciate you. Love, me

p.s. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

T,

We really are going to have to go through this again, aren't we. The fear, the struggle, the fight, the denial, the admission of need, the satisfaction of those needs, the desires, the realisation and the hurt and the heartbreak.

We already did it and it has been a year and a half of hard hard work and now we have to do it all over again? I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I have got the energy to do it all over again.

I don't know if it is going to be harder or easier. I think this part might put up more resistance, be more wary, more overwhelming, distrusting.

I felt physically scared of you today while we were at the desk. I could feel my body flinching away from you. I don't want to be scared of you. I am not scared of you, but that part obviously didn't want to be there.

I think that this is really going to take its toll on me. You say don't be alone, I can email, but this part of me doesn't want to email you. Doesn't want anything from you.

I don't think your wife likes me.

And it makes me feel awkward.

My family is going to be the death of me

t, thank you for the birthday email. that was quite a surprise!! and I don't know how I even feel about it! egads, last year I'd have been jumping up and down with excitement over it, but this year, it's different. I do appreciate it, though. Because when I was swimming earlier I was thinking and wondering, that I don't know what it's like for you, this separating that we are in the process of working through, I know you're the professional here and you've ended therapy relationships before mine, but like you said we've known each other a long time... I know you already said you will miss me. And I will miss you, too. But the more time that goes by, the more I think about all of this, the surer I am that separating from you is my next step in growing up. I will be forever grateful to you for walking beside me on this part of my journey. What a powerful and profoundly healing relationship this has been for me. There aren't words enough to say thank you, t. It's been amazing.

Please don't confuse me with one of your drug addict clients. I can make my own decisions. A little help would have been nice but if you can't handle it, then please leave.

I will not email you, I will not email you, I will not email you, I will not email you.

I am sad, and I am sure that a lot of it is from my depression. But I am not bad right now, I actually have made steps in the right direction the last couple of days. I filled out financial aide stuff, I finally did the final enrollment paper work. So, I should be officially signed up to start fall classes. This is all positive stuff. So, when I sit back and try to attribute where my sadness is coming from- signs all point back to the issue. And it was such a tiny thing, but I am so stuck. I feel pathetic about it all too.

But again, I will not email you, I will not email you, I will not email you, I will not email you.

Hey T. In the midst of all the awfulness that was yesterday (how was it only 24 hours ago...it feels like a lifetime), I appreciate that you backed off on the food issue, and acknowledged that maybe you just are more in tune to food stuff due to past ED.

I mean, my stuff with food probably isn't normal...but i really do hate talking about it, so sorry, we need to continue on ignoring it

And thanks for backing off and changing topics. You are great, even if I never tell you so.

T,

Thank you for the card from the local artist we both like. Thank you for the words you've written:
> To keep the bs in the bs bag,
> To focus on being wise mind and not emotion mind and logic mind
> To be self compassionate to kick out my critical / punitive voice together with you
> To be brave to accept harsh realities and to know I'm not defined by them alone

Thank you for telling me I work hard, I am open, and that I'm brave. T, the vulnerable parts of me love you.

I'd really like to talk to you but don't know what to say, like has happened a few weeks recently. Then I don't write until Friday night or Saturday, which is your time off work and which is practically Monday when we meet. But what if I could find the words and email now and have the (the what? Am I looking for comfort, connection, resolution...?) for 3 extra days? I think I'm going to go try.

i hate you today again .i hate you

Pls don't get mad at me today! Don't hurt me! I spent $3000 in the past 6 days. Yes, $3000. I need help... My shopping sprees have gotten out of control! Seriously, idk if I can afford you anymore because I also have to pay a fortune for my wisdom teeth, too. I'm so screwed.

Please don't think I'm gross. Please.

Bad day!

Dear T,
It really means a lot to me that you said I could contact you next week while you're on vacation if I needed to. I'm pretty sure you never would have told me that, say, 2 years ago. In fact, I recall you saying MC would be covering for you if I needed something. So it's nice to know that, even though he will be in town next week, I can still call you if I really need something. And that if you were busy with family stuff then, you'd find a time to call me back. It feels like you really care--maybe even love (since you implied that once before)--me. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

Hopefully I won't feel the need to contact you, since that would mean that things are bad. But I like knowing you're there, even when you're not in town.

Love you,
LT

If you would just speak to me and reassure me I wouldn't be sticking needles in my arm. But you'll never know about that.

Hope you're OK, JD...maybe if you reached out to your T and told him how much you're struggling after session, this would be one of the times he'd get back to you? (Or have you already tried that...)

I did. He ignored me. Don't think he even reads my texts at all

Ugh, I'm sorry.

JUNK

that is horrible, i feel for you.