In Session Today : Part III

Amyjay, that sounds tough. I think you are brave.

Good session with EMDR T - if processing early and deep trauma can be called good. Who was it who said if you're going through hell keep going ? I wish the trauma wasn't so convoluted ( and preferably wasn't there at all ) the physiological effects are horrible. Yuk. And I want to run. He was pulling faces at what had gone on , so I guess I should be pulling faces about it too. I don't like feeling about 6 - no I do not.

Winston Churchill first, I think. *hugs*

While I was waiting at the door I had this feeling of… I need this session to be different. I don’t want to argue. So I entered the room with that in mind. T looked surprised when I smiled at him and said ‘hello’... surprised and slightly amused, maybe.

I told him I’d had a horrible dream about him, the week before. He asked about it. I wasn’t able to tell him some of the really nasty details, but I gave him the gist of it. He asked what I thought it was about. I said it was about feeling trapped and afraid. He said that my partner’s role in the dream was interesting, and said he wondered if I felt that my relationship with him, my therapy, was killing my relationship with my partner. I agreed that that made sense.

I went quiet and started looking at the floor, thinking. T asked what was going on and I said I had moved on to thinking about something else. Upon reflection I wonder if I was avoiding something… perhaps I didn’t want to go into any further detail about the dream, and yet I felt that if I didn’t there wasn’t much point in discussing it more?

Anyway… the week before, after I’d talked about not being able to leave him because I couldn’t give up the fantasy… he’d suggested that I do some ‘homework’. He asked me to draw a pie-chart, showing how my life was made up of fantasy and reality, and describing some of what the fantasies and realities are.

I had thought about doing that...and ultimately decided it was f***ing stupid, and impossible. My life doesn’t fit neatly into pie segments.

But I came up with my own way of expressing it. I decided that my fantasies feel more like a constant cloud over everything. So I drew that.

After a fairly brief period of talking around it and saying I wasn’t sure if I could show it to him, that I was worried that it was silly, and that I knew I would be embarrassed, I managed to hand it to him.



I haven’t seen him so excited and pleased in a while… he said it was great… that it was much better than his idea. Much more creative. He said it was courageous of me to share it with him. It felt… nice. It felt really good that he liked what I’d done. I guess that’s a bit weird, because I have been f***ing hating him so much for a while now. It’s not like I’ve been trying to impress him.

He admired the stick-figure representation of himself, and laughed slightly at the description of ‘not actually that great’. He asked me about parts of it… the anxiety cloud, the question mark door (representing my brother), and the picture of my eyes and lungs.
He said that he understands why I don’t want to lose my fantasy world given how difficult my life is ‘underneath’ it.

I said that the fantasies I’d written were just broad or ridiculous examples, because… I guess I don’t really have many specific fantasies. It’s more like a constant feeling of longing. He asked about the Rotterdam fantasy, anyway. I said it was a joke I’d had with a friend, and that I’d also told my friend that in reality I would find it incredibly annoying to live on a boat with him. I said that if he said ‘yes, I want to run away with you’, we wouldn’t even get as far as the airport before I realised I didn’t really want to do it.

I don’t think he said much in response to that… he asked “why Rotterdam?” and I said because I went there a long time ago and thought it was a great place. He said “okay… why a houseboat?”... I said, because they’re cosy and nice? He said, “okay. Yeah, houseboats are nice. Why not a houseboat in (my hometown)?” I said… “well that wouldn’t be running away would it?! All the same s**t would still be there…”

I don’t remember how he moved on to saying this, I guess it must have been in reference to the “T will f*** me” part of the fantasy cloud, but he talked about sex being life-giving, the opposite of death, and it being like a medication or antidote when life feels ‘dead’. I think he was suggesting that my sexual fantasies about him could have come about as a response to that deadness in my life. This is something he briefly spoke about before, and I think there is something in it. My way of expressing that was to say… “well, I’m not getting any of that.” (he already knows that myself and my partner have not had sex in a loooong time.)

So… I talked about that. First, I said that I think we stopped sleeping with each other because we were too lazy.

T said that he's not sure that he believes that. He said that he doesn't perceive me as lazy. And that hit me in the gut somehow. Tears came to my eyes instantly. I think I wanted to hug him. I… tried to explain. I told him that no-one has said that they don't see me as lazy before. That lots of people have said otherwise. I told him that he's wrong, that I am. I am lazy. He said something about it being my health issues that make me tired all the time. I said sometimes I think that, but it's hard to accept. I don't think people really believe it - including myself.

I talked about… porn. About my history with it, and its possible effect on my relationship. I didn't go into graphic detail, but I was pretty brave, I think. I think T said something like that too, at some point. Then he asked how I was feeling, having told him what I had. I said “how do you think I'm feeling?! I'm embarrassed.”
...and I was. But I felt okay. I wasn't in twelve-year-old girl mode, anyway.

I talked about how I don't know if I even remember how to have sex, it's been so long… and I don't know if anyone would want to sleep with me anyway. Since I haven't been constantly reassuring myself by being promiscuous in the last decade (like I used to do), I honestly don't know. I said that I don't think I'm definitely unattractive, I just… don't know.

I said maybe I prefer it this way anyway. Maybe it's fine like this. I really don't want to get pregnant, and maybe I just don't need sex. Except… obviously that isn't the case, or I wouldn't be fantasising about my therapist.
T said… something like… that he could hear the inner conflict that for me there. That it made sense.

I think there was more, a lot more, to this whole discussion, but I can't really remember it… maybe I will later.

T noticed that there were ten minutes left, and asked if I wanted to do something we had discussed the week before - write notes about the session together. I said I didn't feel like I could, I didn't know what I would write. He said that he'd leave it open as something we might do another time, and that he'd leave it up to me to bring it up again if I wanted to.

He asked how I was doing. I noticed that I was sitting with my arms tightly wrapped around myself. He said it looked like I was holding myself. I said… I was anxious, and that I thought the anxiety was because I was holding in a lot of sadness.

He said there were five minutes left, and I could let myself feel the sadness if I wanted to. I said… “I can't just neatly slot my sadness into an allotted five minutes! Is that what you do?!” and he laughed at that. Seriously I bet he does though.

I talked about how I feel sad to leave when we've had a ‘bad’ session, and argued, but I feel sad to leave when we've had a 'good’ session too, because it's so hard to leave the place where I feel so safe.

T asked how that session had been, whether it was a good one. I said yes, it had been good, but that was because I'd decided I didn't want to argue with him.
I said that I was still annoyed with him about all the same things - he pointed out that I was tapping my foot aggressively while I said this - and that I didn't want to do what me and my partner always do… get sick of having the same argument over and over and so just pretend it never happened - until the next time.

He said he didn’t want to do that, but that he’d felt connected to me this session and that he didn’t feel that for him anything was left unresolved. Good for him I guess?

But I left feeling loving again. I suppose I've missed that feeling.

Luc, this is FANTASTIC!

Really - I love it! And it sounds like you and your (not actually that great) T had an awesome discussion about it all. Very brave to talk about all that.

I agree Luc, great way to make the homework yours!! and very brave of you.

Super proud of you Luc! You brought up a lot of important things that obviously weren't easy to talk about.

Luc!! Fantastic! You're so brave, I'm proud of you!


You're my hero. Really. Maybe one day I'll become brave too?..

Awesome Luc - it takes a lot of courage to go where you're going. You do indeed rock !

Awww... Thanks, you guys

Today’s session spun off in a very different direction than I was expecting. I told R about the christening, and she seemed to get that I’m not overly comfortable with the church environment.

We talked some more about how I faltered with ‘Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.’ She asked what it was about that line that triggered me, and I said that I wasn’t sure, but I felt it had something to do with the fact that I don’t yet feel ready to forgive. ‘For the sake of my...recovery, I have taken forgiveness off the table for the moment.’

Then we talked some more about the repercussions of my trying magnesium for sleep, and the more recent experiment with Bach flower remedies. I explained to R that I appreciate people trying to help, but they need to understand what is going on in order to be able to do so.

I told her about being concerned that I would end up having to watch Casualty, and we had a conversation about how I find it difficult to articulate my own needs. ‘The fact is, not articulating my needs got me into this situation.’ R helped me see that articulating my needs in terms of not wanting to be exposed to an episode of Casualty is very different to articulating my needs in relation to this situation.


At one point, I said to R that I knew how the situation would turn out. Every time, it was ‘Why the **** are you doing this to yourself, and to us?’, and yet I knew that the situation in which she found herself was ‘not compatible with life.’
‘On a different level, that’s kind of the situation in which I find myself now....this isn’t compatible with life.’ [I chose my words carefully, even though I know that R is unlikely to assume the intention behind them.]
‘I just don’t know how to let this huge emotion, this...loss out. I don’t want to drown other people in the process.’

‘I get the sense that you feel other people will be affected by what you tell them.’

‘I just didn’t know what to do with it...’

We worked out that I felt, and continue to feel lost. It will take some work to ensure that the barriers are ready, so that I can safely let all of this out.

The session itself was good. We discussed some relationship stuff and how it all related. We discussed my former therapist and anger I still hold towards him. It was all very productive.
Then at the end we had a minute or so silence and we both looked at the clock and I looked back at him. Then he looked at the clock again and said "time to stop".
Just to give some background, it is very important to me that I manage time boundaries and he knows this. He has never, in nearly three years of working together told me it's time to stop. I have explicitly said to him that I would experience that as rejection and I make sure I begin and end on time for that reason. It's a big deal to me. I said "you have never said that to me before" and he looked at the clock and said "Well, we are over". I looked at the clock, the second hand showed 20 seconds over the time. I was just quiet after that and he tried to make small talk. It felt a bit awkward.
I discussed it after with someone and I said I wanted to show up late, or pay him in 40 transactions of £1 each. I then wrote a poem about it with the idea of sending it to him to show him how I felt. In the end, my friend encouraged me to write an email expressing how I had felt and what I had felt compelled to do, and I did, including the poem, and ending "see you (on time) next week"
In less than 10 minutes he responded:

Hi RS,

Thanks for letting me know what was happening for you at the end of our session today. I am sorry that i upset you, I could see that I had and, yes, let's return to this next week.

I find your poem really endearing and it leaves me sad - as so often it cuts through the complexity straight to the emotion of the situation.

I am grateful that you decided against paying me a £1 forty times, but I did think it was a great idea!

I hope that telling me this has helped you set it to one side for the moment and that you have a good week,

see you next Wednesday, on time as ever,
T


Well, at that all my sadness just melted away. I replied:

I do love you, you know.
See you next week
RS

Not sure what to make of tonight's session.

Current T was really trying to help, I could see. And, yet...

We decided I needed to move to a different place (and suck up the cost of breaking the lease) immediately since I can't seem to step out of my house without panicking that I'll run into certain people.

She didn't seem too enthusiastic about my idea of just waiting to see if I'll get over my current set of coping skills (of driving most of the night or sleeping in my car after parking near a 24-hour restaurant).

She kept iterating that


Upshot -- she gave me a bunch of places I could check out (I'm super finicky about where I'd live) and then after I left, texted me more options.

I realized that she and I have very different tastes when it comes to where we could live. So, while her suggestions were rather sweet, I'd never live there.

MC session was basic intro session. Bringing him up to date about some of the stuff happening in our lives since my .. well basically nervous breakdown, the events leading to that breakdown, and all the changes in me since then (weight loss/fitness, gender, therapy).

He said it was clear that we were not on the same page in terms of our communication.

He was ok, I think he'll work fine for us. We see him again next Friday... and then might not be for a while depending on my surgeries. He's going to be out for 2 weeks.

Oh, how poorly I took T's vacation came up.. I was so embarrassed to say that I had separation anxiety around that. I had already told him about the type of therapy, that I was going 2x a week, doing deeper stuff, attachment stuff. He seemed to understand and didn't comment on my admission. Still, I couldn't look at him during this time period, I was so ashamed(?) humiliated(?)... it is hard to... I don't know.. just wasn't good for me. I was able to move past that moment and feeling to reengage in the conversation. That was good.

I'm glad it seemed to go well and that you're seeing him again. I'm sure he understood about the separation anxiety--good that you were able to reengage yourself after that.

I miss having good sessions with my t
I miss it a lot and I want it back

But I'm way less obsessed with him now. I don't want to get obsessed again

What i hope for you is that you seek outside help right now to get clean, and find a motivation to stay clean other than your T. I know he suggested some stuff, does any of it resonate with you?

My T has told me many a time that therapy is very difficult when addiction is present. Basically that it is ineffective until the addiction part of it is a little more under control. Have you ever done NA meetings?

Because I think once you feel like you have a better handle on your addiction, and feel more stable, your therapy will be better.

Hooray for this! I am so glad she put it this plainly to you about what those miscreants did to you. Hope you find a place/home that feels good.

I had to meet with Kashi tonight because his building is being shut down for the weekend.

We went over my health issues and improvement of my A1c numbers. Struggles with the nutritionist relationship winding down. My long term t said he thought I had disordered eating but I do not fit an existing eating disorder. Kashi told me that he thought my hunger and cravings are biological not emotional due to my diabetes. He said that he does work with people with eating disorders but by Texas law if someone has a disorder and is diabetic his license does not cover this. He has to be careful how to work with me on this. He can only focus on the behavioral aspects. So frustrating

Told him all the things I am trying to work on and how I don't have to bough resources and don't know how he can help me in some cases. He is thinking on it.

His office is moving in oct which is ramping up my driving anxiety. He is driving back and forth with me next session

He told me more about his own chronic health issue and chronic pain and how he deals with it. He said he doesn't want his patients to ever feel like they have to take care of him so he is careful what he discloses. He says in my case it is helpful to compare notes on similar issues and helps me feel connected. He said there is a bit of "mutual nurturing " in our relationship but he is ok with that.

At the end I asked about our hugs. Is he still ok with it? He thought I was trying to say I didn't want them any more. I said no just the opposite I just wanted to be sure I'm not asking too much. And I mentioned my last t and how I don't want to feel such a crush on a t again Was trying to tell Kashi my own feelings get confusing in therapy although I have no delusions that our relationship will ever be anything but professional.

I just don't know if he is the kind of t that can handle feelings of attraction that come up without throwing up reactionary boundaries. I just wanted to be sure he was ok with them. Maybe I was self sabotaging by bringing it up. Still good with hugs for now but I may have planted a seed of doubt ?

Morning session with Dr. S (T):
I drove to session and arrived right on time. On the drive, I kept thinking that I wanted to open with telling you to pick the topics and not to push it back on me. I didn’t want to talk about last night, about Wife, about the relationship, about the email and last session, or about how little I thought the point of living was.

Down the stairs, push the button, and into the waiting room. You came right out to get me and said come on back. We got into your office and sat down. I’m not sure if at any point, I asked you how you were. I remember starting with not saying really anything. There was a pause and silence, then I said, so much and so little. I didn’t know where to begin.

Talked about MC and what went on there. I didn’t tell you a historical account of the session. I told you summary of the session. We talked about this for a while. I told you that I thought the guy would be fine for us. I told you that we’ll see him again next Friday and then not until Oct 13 (Friday) if I don’t have surgery on 10/10. I told you how we tried to tell him what brought us into see him and how Wife described it as a hiccup in the relationship. She had gone on to explain how we both were feeling like the other person was about to leave the relationship. I corrected that I didn’t have that feeling until much more recently. I then said that I thought we needed to give more history, more context into what all could be going on with us. I told you that we back tracked to the Daughter events but gave a big overview, I told him about basically having a nervous breakdown. He wanted to know what that was like, I told him crying at my work all day every day, not sleeping. Wife piped in saying not functioning. He said depression, maybe said deep depression. He asked if I was still depressed. I said if he’d asked last week I’d said yes, but not this week and how we did a med adjustment. I told him about you, seeing you 2 x week, doing deep work, attachment stuff. He said good or something like that. I told him about the weight loss, gender alignment, starting Testosterone. So just in general the large number of changes for me. Wife brought up how things were going really good after my surgery and then you went on vacation. I got very embarrassed/ashamed of my lack in handling your vacation. I couldn’t look at him. I curled into myself some and then I said separation anxiety. I told you that this didn’t feel good for me. I told you about how it seemed like Wife listed off everything that I was doing to become me as if they were problems. I wrote about this in yesterday’s entry. I told you that it felt like there was nothing I could do because anything I said was received by Wife in such a way to feed the narratives currently going through her head.

Then I brought up wanting to/needing to talk about last session and the email. I told you I was uncomfortable about what I wanted to talk about. I started off by saying how this therapy type is a journey and takes time. I told you that I was worried about us not having a contingency plan in case something happened to you. You acknowledged that we don’t. We both agreed that it is not in your plans to leave and we commented on how at our age we know that life happens. I stated that most of my losses have come from life happening. So, yeah, life happens. What will happen to me? (What will happen to me, mommy?) I feel a world of things around this need some of them are neutral and accepting, others are shameful and embarrassing (selfish).

You wanted to know what I was thinking or what it would look like. I said that if you died, that things would be different. I said that I don’t have the same issues when someone dies. Sure, I’d miss you, I’ll miss you regardless of why things end; however, with death I don’t take it personal. Though, I’d still want to say goodbye. This might just be your office, this might be allowed to visit your resting place. I didn’t tell you that in session. I just moved right onto the other situations. I said that it is hard because it’s not like we can have a massive flowchart that says if this then that... you commented that we could have something like an advance directive that gives general intention of things. I said (started crying) that if something was to happen to you and you couldn’t physically continue to see me that I would want something but I’d want to respect your space; your autonomy. You asked if I knew what I wanted, I said that I did. That I wanted one more time to see you to say goodbye. You said that you would want that too. As we talked further, I got the impression that you and I didn’t have the same image in mind when I said physically unable to continue. I did mean in the literal, physically unable to continue like from a serious injury or stroke; coma. I want to respect your wishes to possibly not be seen by me (or really many people) in that state. At the same time, I’m not sure saying goodbye to your office would be enough. You talked about possibly having someone work through things with me. Yeah, depending on where we are, maybe.

Then we came to the situation where you were too ill or injured to continue practicing – limited mobility or not enough energy. I said that I’d like the opportunity to stay in contact for a while. Here you said that there were many ways we could stay in contact. You mentioned video visits. I said that I would want to have really clear expectations. I think you nodded to this in acknowledgement of my statement. Somewhere in here you said something about it being good for us to talk about. I think more was said here before I moved onto the email but I don’t remember.

I said I was concerned about the email and thinking that you might feel like you over extended or crossed a boundary. You asked if I thought you crossed a boundary and I said, I’m not sure if I answered the question, I said that I had written something similar Monday night and that I’d share that in a little bit. You told me that there are many forms of therapy to practice and if you didn’t want this level [of interaction/connection/investment] you would have picked something else. I told you about how I was trying to remind myself the many times that you have said that you don’t offer or give more than you are willing and how you are very thoughtful about what you offer. I explained how with leaving the puzzle there at first felt like a spontaneous action, genuine and that at the next session when you told me that you’d thought it through before you offered, it took away from the previous experience. Then I said how I am using that event as an example of how thoughtful you are in your actions with me and proof that you are ok with what you said in the email. You made comment about how we can shift data/information about things around to create different views of things.

I read to you what I wrote in my journal on Monday night about always able to love you, how you won’t always be here physically in my life, and how you can be here in my heart and in me. You said we were on the same wavelength. Yeah. I said that it’s not there yet. I told you about going through the script and adding to it. You wanted to know what I added. I told you that I added the I want you, and I’m here. I said that it was more voice one and voice two not so much her voice; however, the more I said it the weaker voice 2 got.

I brought up the fact that I’m (Wife and I) going to out of town this weekend. You did this nonverbal response and I said yeah that was pretty much how I felt about it. You said something about having a response of tension. I think this lead me back to talking about relationship stuff. I don’t remember this transition though. I was talking about the talk that Wife and I had last night after MC, saying this and that about what I felt I could and couldn’t do. I kept saying that had to be some thing different in the relationship and you commented on my usage of thing instead of a different person. I said yeah, a thing because of being dead inside.

I told you how Wife made the comment about always having to be the asshole in the relationship. I retorted that she didn’t like it when I was the asshole, and followed up with the statement that was sort a joke. I said it didn’t go over well, that Wife thought it was funny but also felt like I didn’t validate her point. You asked me if I got her point, and I said yea, that she felt like she wasn’t given the benefit of good intentions with stuff. I talked about me being too… too just too…. I get hurt and people don’t want to be around me. I talked about how early in the relationship, Wife shared lots of stuff through journaling because I didn’t hide the fact that I get hurt easily, and how receiving stuff in writing where I have time to process through it is the best way for me, because then I can get hurt, go through my process and come back to it with a rational mindset. You made a positive comment about me having a process. I talked a little bit more on this then you interrupted me. You said something about not being able to attest to me being too much or people not wanting to be around me when I was hurt, that this reminded you of what I wrote in last week’s journal about being sent away that first summer of the divorce years because my parents didn’t think I could handle their fighting. I said I could handle a lot and you said yes. I said I don’t know what they were thinking sending me there. I said it wasn’t all bad, I liked the independence. I walked a lot. You asked me where. I said that I walked up the road that their house was at the end (that was ~3/4-1 mile, around a 4 mile radius area. Sometimes I’d stop and watch a baseball game. I said that I didn’t think I played softball that summer that I think I aged out of it. I told you about not making the school team my freshman year because there was a new coach that was really cute and lots of girls came out for the team. That I like playing but wasn’t very good. I didn’t have the problem the next 2 yrs and made the JV squad. I said I didn’t play my senior year because I didn’t want to play varsity and you couldn’t play JV. You asked me why I didn’t want to play varsity, I said because they pitched so fast, I was scared. I said that I also didn’t want to get cut. You said something about it being my decision to separate. Yeah, always better if I make the decisions not have them made for me. Doesn’t hurt as much. I commented about not remembering if I wrote about my uncle’s girlfriend, about having a crush on her, and wanting to take her away from him. You said I did. I shook my head at the lack of awareness of my sexuality/gender back then. I said I guess I didn’t want to know. You said something about maybe it not being safe to know. Maybe it wasn’t safe to know. Maybe that is why I had such a blind eye towards it all. I said that was the first time I wanted to die. I said that Jr. High was rough but I don’t remember wanting to die. I did that summer

It dawned on me that my watch didn’t have the alarm set and I had one more thing I wanted to talk about. I said shoot the time and looked at my watch, you looked at the time too. I commented about not having the alarm set and that I had one more thing, that it was a short thing. You said ok, I brought up these write ups and asked how accurate are they, and you said that I probably wouldn’t like the response, which I didn’t, as you said that they were what I experienced. A few comments back and forth. You said that they are like dreaming the session that you think we dream much more than when we sleep; and that we dream together in session. Then you said that they are 100% accurate to what I experience. I laughed and I said that was why I didn’t record the sessions. That I could record the sessions and I’d have a more accurate transcript but they wouldn’t be as meaningful. I asked if you had someone after me as I was late/over. You said no that if you had you’d been more on the clock. I laughed at this knowing how many times I say something about time and you are startled at the clock. You made a comment about setting alarm on your watch. I don’t like that I almost always go over, I do like that I call time. The alarm helps most times. I just didn’t adjust it for this one session.

I said I love you
You said I know
I said thank you for being this role in my life.
You said you’re welcome, my honor, my joy.
I said that I’m gonna miss you.
You said I know
I told you to have a good weekend and fun at the conference. Smiles.

I think you wished me well for the weekend too.

I got up and headed towards the door, I thanked you again. At the door you tried to do the time math and I said that I couldn’t do it today. See you Monday.

MC yesterday. He apologized for having to cancel Monday, and I said it was OK. MC rolled his chair over toward me and grabbed a tissue from the table next to me. He rolled back and wiped off his glasses. Then he took them off and left them off for most of the session, which is something he hasn't done in a long time.

Then we talked about the dog we've been approved to adopt, and I showed MC a pic on my phone. He confirmed that the dog was really cute and made a joke about her name. Talked about dog stuff for a bit.

Then H said how dog stuff was one topic he expected to discuss, and another was my reaction to MC's canceling a couple hours before our appointment Monday. H told the story of how he'd gotten call, then called me, and I was initially like, "yeah, we can just wait till next Monday, that's fine." Then he said how less than 5 minutes later, I texted him saying I was a "weepy mess." I had trouble looking at MC during this. H said he then offered to call the receptionist back and did that.

Then I asked MC if T had talked to him. He said no, that she'd left a voicemail, but he hadn't listened to it. I said, OK, then I should fill you in. And I went on to describe how I'd started looking at some other T's, contacted one, he got back to me very quickly, and I'm seeing him Tuesday. MC definitely seemed surprised by this. I felt like I should explain more. So I said how I'd had some issues with T, how I'd been researching other T's off and on for a while. I briefly described how I'd told T yesterday and how she was surprised and a bit sad, but understanding. And that she seemed open to me coming back whenever, whether for regular sessions or a termination session.

MC said he knew there was lots of transference going on here, gesturing between himself and T's office. He said that he hoped I could come back and work through the stuff going on with T. I said I hoped to do that, how my intention wasn't just to ride off into the sunset and never come back to see T again. At the very least for a termination session.

I said I felt bad for blindsiding T, but it was like this was the only way I could do it. I had to find another T and make an appointment first. MC asked why I thought this was the case. I said I was afraid if I talked to T about it first, then she might convince me to stay and just work on it with her, that I'd back out. MC thought that was interesting and wondered if it was related to something with my mom. Like if my mom did some sort of pushing me away, then trying to pull me back in thing, which made me afraid T would do the same. I said I'd have to think on that a little more.

I told him that he knew the new T I'd be seeing, that T had said he actually used to work with them. I shared his name, and MC was like, "Oh yeah, T2!" and looked a bit thoughtful. He joked, "yeah, he's a total jerk!" (he used a different word though). I said, "Should I tell him you said that?" and he laughed and was like, "Sure you can tell him that!" Then he was like, "No, he's a good guy, really smart." I mentioned that transference was the main issue I wanted to address with T2, though I hadn't mentioned that in the phone call with him. I wondered if MC thought he'd be OK dealing with it. He seemed to think he would be. He said he's a good therapist, but he couldn't really predict if he'd be a good fit for me, because that can be hard to tell. I said I understood that. I was more trying to find out what he thought of transference from a therapeutic standpoint. How MC seems very comfortable addressing it, but T seemed much less comfortable with it. Both in talking about stuff with MC and also with my own negative maternal transference toward her. MC seemed a little puzzled when I said that. I said that was part of why I wanted to see someone new, that I knew he (MC) had said that I should try to address the transference stuff (with him) with T. And that I'd tried that many times, but it didn't seem to be helping. That it was like she wasn't giving me what I needed,whatever that is. And that I'd talked to her about that, and it still didn't seem to change in the way I needed it to.

I did feel a bit awkward in telling him that the main reason I'm seeing a new T is to deal with my transference for him. I did say, too, that there have been some other issues in my relationship with T, how T thought most of them were my projecting onto her, but I didn't know. That maybe some of it was our personalities. MC said that it could be projection/transference, but it could also be about goodness of fit. I said "Or maybe a mix of both?" and MC said yes.

I should note that throughout the session, MC was getting an excessive number of texts and a couple phone calls, which he had to glance at (his usual "I just have to look at the number." I wondered if any were related to his absence Monday. It was a bit disruptive, especially during the more emotional parts of the session. And he put his glasses back on during one of the checks, so he could read it, then left them on.

We were getting near the end of our allotted time. MC commented how H had said at the beginning there were three things we'd talk about. We'd talked about the dog and the potential new T. What was the third? I said it was about my reaction to him cancelling Monday. It was hard for me to look at him when I said that.

I said it may have been stuff lingering from our pre-vacation session, since we didn't talk any about that last week. And I'd considered bring some of that up Monday, but then he canceled. I said I knew we were almost out of time, and he said it was OK. So I mentioned the reassurance e-mail I'd sent him a week ago. About how I feel like for me, reassurance is helpful because it's cumulative. And he may have to reassure me about something 99 times and think it's not going to help to reassure me again, but that 100th time, it might actually click. That I think that's what happened with me believing he genuinely cares about me--that it eventually just clicked and I accepted it.

MC disagreed. He said in this situation, he doesn't want me to become dependent on him (I thought, "Too late!" but didn't say it). That it's OK to be dependent on H because that's a different kind of relationship, how when you say "I do" you kind of agree to be dependent on each other in some ways. But that his role (MC's) is to help me find the reassurance inside myself rather than from him. I said how I felt like I was making progress, but might still need reassurance from him at times. And I was afraid he was just going to take that away.

He said we did have to stop soon, but first he wanted to share a story with me. He said when he taught his son to ski, he tried using the technique where he's ahead of his son with his son holding onto the ski pole behind him. But his son was leaning too much on the ski pole, so it wasn't working. So MC came up with a technique where he'd be 10 feet (or maybe yards?) down the slope from him and tell his son to ski toward him and head-butt him in the stomach. Which ended up working. Because he was there to catch him, but it got his son to learn to do it on his own. And then he'd go, say 15 feet/yards back, then 20, etc. He asked if I understood what he meant. I said yes.

MC asked H if he was OK talking about all this stuff regarding me. H said yes, that he figured we would have, how the only thing he'd had to talk about was the dog, and we'd done that. H mentioned the skiing thing and compared it to how he got our daughter to learn to jump in the pool without holding onto him, giving some description. MC said that yes, he liked that comparison. How if H didn't move back, then she wouldn't learn to jump in the pool. I said that made sense.

MC went back to one of his favorite analogies of a zipline. How people want to wait until they're not afraid to go down it. But the only way you can realize it's safe is to actually do it yourself. I was like, "Oh great, you're making me go down a zipline?" (he knows I hate stuff like that). He said in a way, yes. I replied, "Can it be a really short zipline maybe?" And MC said that yes, it could be.

He brought up the skiing thing again, saying how he wasn't leaving his son up on the mountain alone while he skied on down. I said, through tears, "So you'll stay up on the mountain with me, then?" He said, "Yes. Not abandoning." I said, "OK."

He said he predicted that I'd say I understood, and think I did, but then go home and start to worry about what he said and have doubts. But to just try to think about what we talked about. I said OK.

We were already at an hour at that point, so MC said we did have to stop. And said we were on the schedule for Monday. He said to me that even if he did have to cancel for some reason, to remember that we were able to reschedule this time, 72 hours later. And that we would also still be on the schedule for future sessions. I said I knew, it was just still hard. So he was basically trying to reassure me. Which I guess is what he'd just said he shouldn't do...it's sort of a pattern for him, the "I can't keep reassuring you" followed not long after by reassuring me. (Or "We have to be careful to have a balance because it's marriage counseling" followed by spending most of the session talking about me--and sometimes prompted by him more than me.) Makes me wonder if maybe there's some paternal counter-transference going on there...

Usual handshakes and "good to see you." I sort of glanced back at MC as I was walking out, attempting a nonverbal "thank you." Pretty intense session, but I felt OK about it afterward. I was a bit emotional, but that was partly due to it sinking in that MC is doing this stuff because he cares and wants to help me, not because he's trying to get rid of me or something. He's trying to do what a good parent does, teach a child to be independent (which I don't think my parents, especially my mom, were so good at). Of course, this doesn't exactly help to lessen the paternal transference...

MC again today (back to our regular slot). Pretty relaxed session. Talked about some stuff with the dog we're adopting Thursday, including how my mom reacted when I told her. (Me: We're getting a dog. My mom: Why? Me: Because we want to!) MC made an interesting point. He mentioned the sense he got of how my house was growing up (he gave a more extreme version of it). And that he got the sense H and I are trying to make a very different environment for our house and our daughter. So the fact that my mom seems against us getting a dog (or doesn't understand why we'd want one) could actually be a positive thing. Which made me think...

I was commenting on how sometimes I tend to keep things from someone if I'm afraid they'll react negatively (like my mom)--then quickly turned to H and was like, "I'm not keeping anything from you right now!" H joked, "What this you were saying about getting a dog?" I said, "Yeah, you probably wondered what was up with the collars and leashes and crate." H said, "Well, the collar seemed a little small for me, but if that's what you're into..." Then I said to H, "OK, now get into the crate!" MC said, "You know I'm still in the room, right?" We all laughed, and I know my face was red..

Some more stuff came up about my mom and her not trusting me to handle things on my own, like paying some taxes on time (I do freelance work and have to pay some taxes quarterly because they're not taken out of my paycheck). It was an insight I had after last week's session, where MC was talking about having his son ski 10 feet down to him. I said how it's like my parents didn't teach me so much to do things on my own or to suggest they thought I could handle them. MC agreed, saying that, say, my mom checking in on whether I'd paid the taxes suggests she thinks I can't manage on my own.

And he wondered, when H made certain comments about, say, cleaning the house, if I felt that he was being like her, suggesting I couldn't handle it. Or like with the dog. H said he could see that in certain situations, and I agreed. I said it also made me almost want to resist doing it. We discussed that a little more.

Was near end of session and I brought up my appointment with potential new T (PNT) tomorrow. I said how my potentially former T had offered to talk to him, to give him some background on me, and that I assumed MC would be willing to do the same. But I said I was kind of reluctant to do that, how I sort of wanted PNT to form his own opinion of me. But was it weird if I was unsure I wanted that?

MC said it would make sense to explore (I think with PNT) *why* I might not want him to talk to sorta current T. Because there's probably something behind that, maybe beyond my wanting him to come to his own conclusions. I said he was probably right...

I then said that I was pretty open with him on the intake form, but worried I was saying too much at first, since I mentioned the transference and stuff. MC said he'd be more concerned at a client who was holding stuff back. But that it could be weird if I shared *everything* at once, like just blurted everything out, say.

I said that, OK, what I was really worried about is that a big part of why I'm seeing him is to deal with the transference and attachment. And I'm afraid he'd hear that and think, "Oh, no, she's attached to another male therapist, now she's going to get attached to me--run away!" MC said, but it's not like I get attached to all males. I was like, "No, I mean, I've seen other male T's and not gotten attached to them. Not sure if you should take that as a compliment or a negative thing." MC replied, "Well, I was going to take it as a compliment until you said that!"

He said all this sounds more like PNT is interviewing me, instead of the other way around. I said I realized that...and I guessed it should be more my figuring out if he'd be a good fit for me. MC agreed. He also said that if for whatever reason PNT thought he couldn't work with me/would be a bad fit, it probably has nothing to do with me as a person. How he's had maybe 4 potential clients that he said he couldn't work with (and told them this quickly)--one who had known his wife in the past and a few that reminded him too much of particular relatives, so he didn't know if he could treat them objectively. That T's should be self-aware enough to realize that they would be a bad fit for someone. But to remember it's not personal. I said I understood that.

There were a few other stories (from H and MC) and joking-around things that I won't go into here, which put us at like 10-15 minutes over. Then he confirmed next Monday, did the handshake, "Good to see you," thing, then walked us out. He seemed to be looking for his next client, who wasn't there, so he said "Take care." I turned back to him, and said "You too" while giving a little wave. Then got in car and...was OK! Didn't cry or anything (not during session either). Could have been that the session was less heavy, could have been because we'd just seen him Thursday, but thinking it's a good thing...

Stay tuned tomorrow where I will continue my thread-spamming with a writeup of PNT session...

Um, LT? Might want to fix the bolded bit? Freudian slip perhaps?

hahaha I noticed the same thing!