In Session Today : Part III

Intense and triggering session today. Overwhelming, really. TW for mention of questions (but not actions) related to CSA. ETA: and TW for strong words said by a T that might be difficult for some to read.

It started off innocently enough. I admitted I was feeling guarded -- that's why I was laughing at things that weren't actually funny. Our conversation suddenly led in to my remembering that, this Saturday, at my cousin's wedding, I had been really really uncomfortable because of my grandfather. He's just very physical in ways I do not like but are not necessarily "wrong" ... I had to put my foot down though on forcing my daughter to be held or anything. I do not force her to make physical contact with anyone. Ever. It felt pretty good to have the guts to say that to my grandfather, who is quite intimidating.

In any case, throughout the course of talking about it, I felt myself getting more and more upset and anxious. And then C asked me outright about potential CSA from my grandfather. I swear...it was like an electric shock hit my brain. I literally jolted and stammered and was dizzy. From that point on, I was in total shut-down-to-protect-self mode. I kept spacing out, and I was really anxious...having trouble staying in the room.

Edit to Add: I should add that the answer is -- none that I recall, no.

C said some really really powerful things... such as "If I were your father, I would have protected you from xyz." And many mentions of feeling deeply protective of me, angry at what had taken place at the wedding and in other scenarios... he said things like "Someone wasn't there to protect you when they should have been" about my childhood. Oddly enough, I had literally no physical/emotional response to any of this. I simply couldn't. I was too shaken by the conversation about my grandfather. (I told C this, which was good. I was able to tell him that I was really upset. I also caved and grabbed a pillow he keeps in the room and hugged it for the rest of the session after the grandfather question. I was just not ok.)

After session, I emailed C immediately, worried that my lack of response to his words would make him think I didn't like them or want to hear them, and that he would stop saying things like that. Explained my old plant analogy ("It's like I'm a dry, withered up plant, and you dumped a lot of water on me all at once...there's no way I can absorb it all.")

I was very grateful that he sent back and instant response letting me know we were ok and that all he wanted was to protect and take care of me.

These things that he says. They are such powerful words... they hit me hard in a very vulnerable spot (but one that is also really really guarded and protected). It goes beyond what I had with S... it does. S said he cared about me, that he was angry about things that had happened to me, but never did he so directly address the lack of protection and safety...or the desire to provide it.

Rational me knows that C cannot provide the protection and safety that a child gets from its real parents. So, I'm not really sure even HOW to receive these things... I do not want to fall into some delusion/fantasy of C protecting and taking care of me in vulnerable, vital ways that I wish I'd had as a child...and that I still fantasize about. Because, the reality is, I am an adult, and I have to protect and take care of myself. Falling into the fantasy that S could provide me with protection and could take care of me like I wished so badly someone had done/would do...is, I believe....exactly what led to my getting so deeply hurt in such a vulnerable place.

Whoops! good catch there Fixed!

my T decided to take a different approach today in session. she said that she sometimes feels hesitant to bring stuff up to me because i have a very OFF LIMITS approach to anything difficult, and that she can't in good sense collude with my depression. she knows i am feeling extremely shitey, and when in therapy we continue to talk about awful, non-hopeful things, i dont' get any relief from it.

she called my depression very stubborn, and that we were going to explore talkign about dating. omg. I was like "well that is terrible," which she said she knew i'd say.

i told her it felt like asking me to look for a rainbow when i am buried 10 feet underground.

it was weird. we were sidetracked by the whole i had to go to urgent care, probably have another kidney stone thing for awhle...but after last week's intense session on suicidal feelings, it felt so strange for her to bring up dating.

not sure how i feel about it all.

That's odd she was pushing you on that topic...Your rainbow image seems very fitting. I mean, it seems like there should be some steps in between there, going from suicidal to more stable, THEN maybe thinking about dating. And it seems it should be something you bring up, not your T.

Hope you're feeling better--did you go to urgent care?

yeah...it was, weird...she explained more, about how for one hour a week, maybe talk about something more hopeful. that talking about it won't make me feel worse, but not talking about it probably will.

i don't know.

i did go to urgent care. blood in the urine, so probably another kidney stone. on the other side this time. i see my urologist tomorrow. this is ridiculous.

I hope you're okay.

Hugs.
My T asked a similar question once or twice. It is a really powerful question, yes. I also had about the same reaction as you, with the same no-response. I felt very unsafe for the following few days.

I guess I just want to let you know that you're not alone.

Well done for going through this session & for putting your foot down with your grandfather. That must have been a very frightening to do.

It was an awesome session.
We started off talking about him saying "time to stop" at the end of last session. He reminded me that just prior to that, we had been talking about setting boundaries with regard to my first therapist and then I had said "of course, we have that kind of relationship too". So it was like we were both reasserting boundaries on an unconscious level.
We talked about how I like to maintain firm boundaries and I like to be in control of them. T said in his experience the client can explore their feelings and fantasies freely and his job as therapist is to contain that and maintain those boundaries. I said "but I tried that and that's not what happened". (in reference to a rupture we had a while ago where I tried to explore my fantasies about him and the relationship and he shut the conversation down). He asked if since then I felt like I had to contain things and I said yes, exactly.
I said that my love feelings for him grew in intensity when I felt less secure around the rupture. He paused and said he noticed that that correlation raised some anxiety in him.
He asked whether I related that to my childhood and I said "Yes it relates to my childhood. Is that more comfortable to talk about?". He smiled and looked at me. It felt really intense and overwhelming. I said to him that it felt intense and he nodded. I said I challenged you to come into the here and now and when you did I felt scared. I was scared to talk about the here and now feelings.
I told him a little about the ET feelings and young feelings and he was very validating and kind.
Afterwards he said "You're very courageous sometimes, you know. I'm impressed". I said thank you.
Then we hugged and I said "Thank you for being safe" and he squeezed me tight. It felt great.
I love him so much.

Good session yesterday, especially considering I went in there thinking I didn't have anything much to talk about. I sat down, poured myself a glass of water and drank it all, and the babbling began. Although t said she didn't think it was babbling when I said I realized I was haha. We worked with one of my dreams that was about her, at the very end of the dream I like telepathically sent a message of "I love you" to her and after I read that part of the dream (I keep a notebook by my bed and write down all of my dreams) she said "Awww" and then "I know." I wish I had said something to that response, it was kinda weird, the "I know" because what I said was part of the dream - and she's always going on about how people in your dreams aren't always that person, but parts of yourself, and stuff, so it was just weird. Anyway. We came up with some good insights about both dreams, I talked some about letting go of the anger at my mother that I've been harboring for so many-many years, I talked more about the psych class I'm taking, finally got around to telling her I didn't get the job I interviewed for awhile back, etc. As I was leaving I stepped out the door & down the first step and she said see you in 2 weeks and I turned to say the same thing back and she opened her arms for a hug so I hugged her and she said something like "I can hug you easier when we're the same height" haha. Yes t you are a shorty. (I'm never going to leave her, am I?)

I'll skip past all the session stuff and get to the end, which is the last session before she goes away for a couple of weeks. I was going to ignore it and was getting up to leave and she said wait... and then talked about how I was free to email while she was gone, and that she was definitely not going to be around her phone during the day, that she would be surprised if she didn't have cell service in the evenings, but she gets impatient with emailing on her phone so if she replies it won't be a long reply. It was very sweet the way she said all of this. I said I was going to miss her and she said, I'll miss you too. This really surprised me, so I said, Even after all the awful things I've said and done? She said Yes. And I really felt that she meant that. She also volunteered where she was going, which I'm glad to know because I was concerned she might be in hurricane areas.

Oh, and the session before, she gave me some packing materials in an empty box (to keep things from getting broken). I noticed a mailing label on the side and worried that if it was her home address and didn't point it out that she might realize it later and go oh no, the creeper has my home address. Anyway, I pointed to the label without really reading it and she waved it off, saying, I don't really care about that. It was her office address, it turns out, but she didn't care either way and that made me feel like I was not a creeper. It's comforting to have that box and packing materials now.

rr -- I love how you're so concerned about being a creeper.

Monday's 9/28 session:
I walked to your office, thinking, and wanting to cry about the concept of “please let me come home”. I kept trying to ask this voice, this thought who it was, who to come home, where is home. I didn’t get answers, just a feeling to beg you to let me come home. I got to the office with 10 mins to spare. I used the restroom then went and pushed the button. I sat in the waiting area trying to figure out what to pull out from my bag and what to leave in my bag. Your door opened and I heard the thank you’s of previous person and that person left. I am not jealous of other clients. Curious about them, why they are there, what is their story that type of thing but not jealous that they see you or you see them; which is pretty weird given how I was feeling overall?

You came out and lead us back. You are wearing glasses and boots – difference. You were saying something as I came in the room but I don’t recall. I sat down on the couch, you closed the door, and went to sit in the different chair. I looked at you and made the comment about you sitting in the other chair. You said something in agreement and asked if it was ok or if I wanted you to move back or something along those lines. I slipped onto the floor saying something about me sitting down here. You made some comment and then asked if I wanted you to sit on the floor (or maybe you just asked where I wanted you).

I paused for a moment, looking at the ground, thinking "I want to come home", "I love you", "See, you are not different", “you read to me".

Unsure, I told you that I would prefer it if you sat on the floor. You sat on the floor. I pulled out blanket and lost the book. You responded to me pulling out the blanket but I don’t remember exactly what you said/did. I looked for the book. I felt foolish, how could I lose a book that was just there. After shaking out the blanket and looking all around me, I even asked you if saw it; I found it in a zippered part of my bag. I pulled it out of my bag, then I unfolded the blanket, and laid it over my legs. I had gotten the blanket dirty looking for the book because my shoes were dirty. I picked at the dirt trying to brush it off. I held the book looking at it (Harold and the Purple Crayon https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=L5sJ97Hp46A). After a few moments, I asked you if you knew this book. You nodded yes. You asked me what I knew about it. I said I read it. I said that it was one of grandson’s books. You asked me if I read it as a kid, I said that I didn’t think so. I didn't know it when I read it to grandson. I asked you if it was even around when I was a kid. I flipped a bit at the pages to see copyright date but then closed the book. [Copyright date is 1955]. I asked you if you would read it to me. You said yes and I handed you the book. You asked if it would be ok if you sat next to me because it would be easier to look at the pictures. I said yes. You moved next to me and read the cover. You opened the book a few pages and then smelled it. Then you began reading it. Shortly into the reading, I scrunched down and rested my head on the side of the couch. Later, I closed my eyes, I wanted to just listen to your voice, but then I thought that might be rude so I opened my eyes again.

At one point, while reading you asked me what I thought he was drawing. I didn't say anything aloud but giraffe is what screamed in my head. I was wrong, it was a moose. I don't remember what you guessed. I should have remembered what it was I just reread it the day before when I put it in my bag. You finished the book. I sat there for a bit, then I reached for the book. I flipped through the pages to where he had drawn lots of buildings and windows. I said he was looking for home. I told you that when I read the book last week and saw this section a voice said home (or maybe I want to feel home or maybe it was just a longing of being home at that time). I went on to tell you that today, as the day progressed I got more anxious and nervous about coming here today. I said that I was scared you'd be different. You said, and look I was with different/new glasses. I said and you sat in the different chair. You asked me how I felt about that (somewhere in here you had moved to where you were sitting facing me rather than next to me). I thought - it wasn't really what I meant by you being different but maybe it did play into my hesitation at the beginning of session. I said I don't know, shrug.

I told about how later in the day I thought/felt about wanting to come home. "Please, can I come home?" You asked me if I knew where the voice was coming from, I said I don't know. You asked me what home was. Home. Don’t know.
Intellectually, it seems like it might be the little boy wanting to come back, back to you, the office, my heart, me? I told you that I've had a hard time feeling/holding onto the little boy.

I returned to the ‘you being different’ concept and said replace me. More was said here, I’d look at you and away from you. I don’t remember what was said here. I think it was in here that I blurted out an ‘I love you’. You said I know. I wanted to say sorry for blurting it out. I didn't.

I didn’t like how I was feeling, so I moved the topic to talking about praise. I said personal trainer, you didn’t catch what I said because I had turned to get my journal. I pulled out my journal and turned back to you and I told you personal trainer’s reply to my results … I read her comments. I said that personal trainer calls me an athlete. I say I don’t believe her. You said something about blowing smoke up my *** (I think you used that word. I was taken back by that word – it bothered me in that, we’re not supposed to use that word young way. Not that it was you that said it way.) I said that I just thought she was being nice. You said something about me thinking that it is just her job. I think it was this that started me to distance and disconnect a little. I am not an athlete, I am clumsy, uncoordinated, unskilled, poor muscle awareness/body awareness. I want to be good. I try hard. I am competitive. I work at things. I am fat.

We talked about me and celebrations. I said that I do the touchdown, 40 secs to the next play. You said no end zone celebration. Said I ruin it, I said… there was more said here… I was looking away. I was not talking. I don’t remember what was going on in my head, bad(?), mess things up… You said something about hard to talk about, I think I nodded my head. Then I looked at the stuff on your shelves. I looked all over the stuff on your shelves. You said, Hey Elio. I looked back at you, did I ask what? You repeated it. I said remember I wrote about your stuff on the shelves, don't touch will break things. Somewhere in here you asked/I said that I wanted to feel what it was to have warm feelings from praise.

Somehow, we transitioned to the next topic and I showed you the book that I read to wife. We talked briefly about it. You wanted me to talk more about it. I checked my watch and I wanted to talk about one other thing so I told you that I didn't want to at this time. I did share with you the loops and z pattern stuff and that I am glad that we don't strictly follow that methodology. You asked if there was anything in there I wished we'd do. I said no, that I like the way we do it. I told you about the asking the part to step aside to put the self out. I said I didn't like that. I like to let the part run the show to see fully what it is trying to say, want, need - let me feel it and gain an understanding about it rather than to push it aside to let the self.

I thought about the bracelet and wanted to ask to hold/look at yours. I pulled out the widget, the clip, talisman, touchstones... I showed you the chain it was on. I told you about pulling the chain out of this container that holds lots of stuff, and that I thought it had this other object but it wasn't there so I looked in one other spot and it was there. I told you about noticing your bracelet early on because of having, and I pulled out my bracelet and handed it to you. I told you that I had it from before I met wife and I hadn't worn it for a long time. I told you that I wore it through the weekend. You said something about connection. I said that I could look at it and imagine yours, seeing yours on your wrist and it gave me a warm feeling.

Our time was up. I commented that we were almost out of time. I asked you if there was anything you wanted to talk about. You thought for a moment and then brought up that starting in Oct you'll be opening your private practice up to appointments on Tuesday. That you wanted me to know in case I wanted to switch to Tues - Thursday. I didn't respond very much to this information. I just said something to affirm that I received the information, like ok.

We then sat up from the floor and sat to do the closing. I started with the "I love you". You said I know. I said something. You replied. I paused, you said thank you for being you. I said thank you for being you. You said you are welcome. I got up to leave. You commented about the hours, and doing time math. I said it would be 73 hours, then corrected myself to 72 hours. You said ah yes, back to regular schedule. One last see you Thursday/thank you and I left.

When I left, I got out to the street and I put the bracelet back on. I thought that those 4 walls are home, they are the only place I can be me, where I'm allowed to exist. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to be a grown up again. I felt like I was having to put on a mask, an Elio suit of behaviors... be the adult, do the needful - the thoughts of what is right and wrong went through my head, do this/don't do that. I started to get angry with you because I had to leave. You didn't kick me out and for me I left pretty close to on time. It was only 53 after the hour when I headed up the stairs. Yeah me??!!

I stopped at store and got some chicken, mac and cheese, and pineapple. This was a second dinner as I had eaten one before I went to session. Then I stopped at the library to return the book. I looked through the books and picked out 2 books. I returned to work where I took the bracelet off and threw it in my bag. I was angry, stupid bracelet, stupid you, stupid caring/wanting. You can't keep me, I know this. I can't stay in those 4 walls.

Yesterday's session with T, have MC tonight.

In and down the stairs, pushed the button. I sat down and looked at my phone. You came out to get me just a few moments. We went back to the room and I saw the boxes of books. As we entered, I asked you if those were your books and you said that they were (one was labelled children or kids but the books in it did not look like kid books). I commented on you needing the 3 book shelves and you said that you had more shelves if you needed them. We got sat down and I took a breath centering myself. It felt good, relaxed, welcoming, warm. I asked you how you were doing. You said good. You asked how I was doing. I’m not sure I answered your question. I said I wanted to play today. You said something like great, let’s play – or some other positive encouraging statement. I had brought a variety of things to do.

I pulled out my phones to set them aside. You asked if I had music. I said no, that I could pull up something on my phone but I didn't have music. You commented about me pulling out my phones and thinking that meant I had music. Nah, they were just in the pile and needed to move them.

I pulled out the cars and showed you them. I emptied my back with the rest of the stuff and moved to the floor. I laid down on my belly. We played with the cars for a while. I smiled and laughed as we pushed them back and forth. I did wheelies and we played around with the pushing it forward or backwards. At one point one of them went under the couch and I had to fetch it. I crawled under the end table. I felt young, I was worried that I would knock something over. I didn’t and that felt good. I tried to use the other things I brought as a ramp, after several trials we were able to get the stuff to work as a ramp.

While playing, I brought up the idea that I can only play with you, be me while inside these 4 walls. You asked if I could play at home when I am home alone. I said no because I have to be something different. More small talk about the playing. Then I said that I had wanted to talk about touch and I asked you if you’d made a decision. You said that you were on the cusp of making one and felt that you’d would have an answer next week. You asked if that would be ok. I said yes. I said that we had not come up with a way we’d deal with it so I asked. You agreed. Then, you said that it would be hard regardless of answer and I agreed. We returned to playing for a little while.

I brought up being sick and you asked me about it. You said several supportive statements and advice, drink fluids, rest, wishing you had a magic wand to make it go away. I thought hell if you had a magic wand, a little sickness is last thing I’d be pushing to be fixed. Let’s just jump past all this work stuff and magic wand it all better.

I brought up my concerns with couple’s counseling – mostly around not knowing what was going to be brought up by wife and how I am letting her take the lead on topics because of feeling the need that she is ready to talk about something before I can share my thoughts on the topic. I don't feel that she is open to hearing what I have to say at this time.

I think we moved to coloring around here. We looked through the sheets and I told you about Skylander or really my lack of knowledge around it. I found us a page to color and pulled it out. You asked if we were to both color on the same sheet or have separate sheets. I said whichever, I’d prefer it if we both drew on one page if that was ok with you and you said it was. When I bought the coloring sheets, I imagined us coloring on the same sheet. I am glad you agreed to color on the same picture as me.

I returned to laying on my stomach. I think you laid on your stomach too. I had color pencils and crayons. You asked me if there were any colors I disliked. I jokingly said to guess. You said you knew I liked blue but never asked colors I disliked. I’m like… umm pink of course… I’m a boy. LOL. I told you that I don’t care for pink or red, that I love burnt umber. You colored with the color pencils and I colored with the crayons.

While coloring, I brought up what I wrote about having you say the words "I love you" as part of a book you were reading to me. I said that the stories meant more to me than just stories but I couldn't remember the word I used in my writing. It was important to me to find this word because I thought it explained it so much better, so I stopped coloring and pulled out my journal. I read to you what I had written - about identifying with the story and the words become part of the process of experiencing the story. You listened and did help me try to find the word before I pulled out my journal. You didn't answer my question about how you'd feel reading the words, if you separate them out, and it being ok if we experience it differently. I read to you the part about sharing the information with you in the journal so you'd be ready for me when I brought it up but then I just brought it up. You asked me how I felt about just bringing it up. I think I just shrugged at this. You said something about a part of me wanting to talk about it.. (or something like that). I think I just shrugged at that too. However, I had brought in the one book with the last line being about loving the child just for who the child is. I want you to read me that book - actually I'd like to have a recording of you reading me that book, and I want the words to be what is in that story. I want to believe it is true, that I can be loved like that, loved for just existing, loved for being me.

I told you about being mad after Monday's session and around the news that you'd be expanding to include Tuesdays. How for some reason hearing that lead me to feeling that you didn't want to see me on Monday's anymore and how that seemed personal even though I knew that if that was even true it wasn't personal. If you wanted me to move from Monday to Tuesday it would be because of something else going on in your life and not that you didn't want to see me on Monday's... I also expressed how I was confused about why seeing me on Monday's meant something more to me - that ... dang I don't feel I am saying this very well. There is just something about 'not seeing me on Monday's anymore' that is specific; like seeing me on Monday has more value than seeing me on Tuesday. It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it is just that I've come to see that Monday at 4pm as our time and even though a move would still give me an hour of your time, it is not during the "our time" and maybe something about you not seeing it as special as I see it. I don't know.

I told you that I thought about just adding Tuesdays to the mix, so seeing you 3x a week. I said I didn't need to see you 3x week. I said that it would be just because I want more of you. I'm not sure if I said more of this [the safety of the room]. You said something about maybe wanting was enough and not needing to have it to get it. You reiterated that I wanted more of you and added that I wanted more time to be me. I don't think I responded to this. I don't know if this was when I just laid on the floor resting my head on my arm. When I did this, I was so tired.

Throughout this period of time we made comments about the coloring. You liked how I was doing the flames on my tire and said something of trying to copy it. I said that I thought I messed up this one area and didn't like how it was looking but that I liked this area. You said that you liked that too and how I did these other lines to give it texture. I looked up at what you had been doing for the first time and saw your grill. I said – wow that is cool. I am not usually...I don't usually do positive compliments like that without pointing a negative item. It felt good to just say the positive, surprising how it came out, with enthusiasm and exclamation - or so it seemed from my side. Did it come out that way? Did it feel positive and genuine? It was genuine and spontaneous. At another time, you commented about not liking how your flames were turning out...and you said oh well that's how they are and continued working on them.

I pulled out the Art book. I read the story to you. You stopped me before I got started to smell the book. You thought it smelled interesting and asked me about smelling it and then said that I couldn't because of being congested. (I had sniffled all through the session. Really added to the little kid feeling.) I held the book so you could see it and it was upside down. Early in the reading you commented that the book was about a boy doing art and we were doing art. You liked the ending, so did I. (). You could have read that one to me because the usage of love was third person and object. Mother loves Art. That isn't an 'I love you' statement and as the book shows; Art and art have different meanings. I liked reading the book to you. I still felt young and like I was reading it to a parent. I didn't feel like I took on a parent role or even an equals role; even though I was showing more reading skill for the age I was feeling. Even when I tried to interact with you during the reading it felt like I was doing it to imitate what you've done with me; like I am learning from you what I should be doing or how it should be done. It felt good.

My watch had gone off while reading the book. I started to pick up the crayons and you said something about time to go (or I said it first and you agreed). You asked me if there was any particular order and I said not anymore as I was shoving the crayons back in the box. I wonder if that surprised you, that I wasn't insistent on them being in an order given my preference for order and structure. I don't have the desire to go and "fix" the crayons, though I might the next time I go to use the colored pencils arrange them more orderly.

You had stacked everything very neatly to go back in my bag and I said that I needed to start with what was on the bottom. I then basically rebuilt the pile exactly how you had it on the floor in the bag. I might had been able to just slide the pile in, I didn't think about doing that until I had already disassembled your pile and put the coloring pages in first.

I told you that I had wanted to wear pj bottoms to session today (pj party) but that they didn't make fun patterns for adults and I had gained too much weight to fit into the kids pants but that I still bought a pair. I said that I could still fit into them but they were very tight and that I could only fit into them because of stretchy material. You said that maybe that was how they were supposed to fit. I don't think so.. . I told you that plus the adults are too long. You said need them hemmed. I showed you the pj's I had bought. I don't remember you commenting on them. I packed them away.

I said I don’t want to go. You said I know. I said I have to go (or will go). Pause. I said I love you. You said I know. I was tearing up, I didn't cry though. I said, think of me this weekend. You said you do. [this felt good because you said that you do, rather than you will]. Pushing myself, I got up to leave. There were comments of see you Monday, thank yous....out the door and more leaving comments.

I thought I would cry as I left and I might have cried when I got to the car but I saw how the parking was and that helped ground me back in reality as I needed lots of focus to get out of your parking lot. I felt good about the "I do" verse "I will" statement from you.

New to the forums, and loving this thread. The writing is evocative and has given me inspiration to note some things here after my next session.

In the meantime, I had a tough session yesterday. Not sure why?! I was in a good mood when i got there. I thought maybe t was attempting to provoke me a little, as i have a lot of anger and shame and guilt, and so much unknown or unarticulated as thought. Still just raw emotion.

I've been in therapy going 2x per week for over two years. I adore my time in session, sometimes feeling over attached to my therapist, but always feeling not quite comfy, like i am not being myself truly, and the parts i am showing are really a pose. Sure, there is a lot i am not ready to discuss. I can't even talk about these things with myself. Does that make sense?

Welcome! It does make sense and it's not unusual to have parts of yourself which you don't feel in touch with. Be patient with yourself, it sounds like you're doing good work

I had my second session with new t this week after having terminating with ex t the week before.
I wasn't really in the right frame of mind from the start because I had just finished my yearly work appraisal meeting 10 mins before session started. Work parts and trauma parts are worlds apart. I wasn't in "therapy mind".
I asked new t about her handover meeting with ex t last week and asked what ex t shared with her. New T told me the expected general things. I talked about how it made me nervous because of my amnesia I don't know what parts have told ex t, and therefore don't know what ex t told new t. So I don't know what new t knows about me, only that she knows stuff about me that I don't know. I don't like that.

I couldn't get grounded in new ts room. It was so unfamiliar, she is still so unfamiliar and I don't know her or trust her. I don't even know if I like her. The internal conflict was pretty overwhelming. Some parts want to force a connection with her because we do need her help, but other parts don't even want to be there and want nothing to do with her. But there is pressure from within to make a connection with her because the things we need to deal with are urgent and present and traumatic and she is our only hope of help?? I mentioned the pressure from family (abusers) and how triggered we were this week because of them. But I kept switching between parts that are triggered and want to connect for support and parts that deny all abuse and even the DID. I don't think any part was able to stay on topic for long. There were a couple times where different parts were switching back and forth every few seconds. Everything said was so opposite and contradictory. There were times new T just sat back and looked at us because the switching was so fast she couldn't respond to anything.
A couple times I just said sorry, sorry, I'm usually more coherent than this. I felt so pathetic.

I tried to show her some things, but every time I got them out another part came out and snatched them away. It was ridiculous. I felt like such an incompetent bumbling idiot.
Well before time I was wanting it to be over. I was so frustrated with myself and so confused. Eventually I said its time to go now and we were able to leave.

I see her again next week. Then I might take a couple weeks off.
But see the problem with that is some parts of me are too terrified of that because what if the family gets us and we have no-one for support or help?? And on the other side of the argument other parts are like but we just want to chill out and not deal with this stuff. Just focus on real world problems.
I think obviously those ones are not the ones who deal with family, who ARE a very real-world problem!!

Wow, Amyjay. You explain beautifully how I feel in almost every session. Get past the opening focus for which i prep for obsessively, but the reaching in and trying to show, explain, articulate is worth the effort, I think.

So my session begins before I walked into the office. I walked into the waiting room to find T in session with someone else. He had asked me earlier in the week to move my session back, and I obliged. While I was in the waiting room, I heard a very loud thud from his office, followed by loud laughter.

He was about 5 minutes late coming out of that session. So he went to the restroom quickly before meeting me back in his office.

The loud noise was him falling out of his chair as he reached behind him to grab his appointment book. The laughter, his words, were his attempt to laugh off the embarrassment he felt at falling. I was just glad he wasn't injured. Well, except his ego a little.
He asked how the trip was. I shrugged. He asked if I had a good time, and I said I did. "I can't help but feel like something happened while you were there."

So I told him about the phone call from my mom and that I hadn't listened to it yet. "Can I listen to it now?" He said that was fine, then quickly added "you're going to put it on speaker, right?" I nodded and hit play as he scooted close to me to hear.

We ended up playing it twice. There was a part toward the end where bio mom was slurring her words, so T asked me to play it again. After the second time, I put my phone down, fuming.

"Use your words, Daisy." I said how much I hated her. How worthless she was. The tone of the voicemail was terse, angry. How dare she be angry with me?

"You're not just feeling angry, are you? Give the other emotions voice too. What does the sadness say?" I said it hurt that she would call me high. That she thought so little of me. That she couldn't give me the things a daughter needs from her mother.

We talked about my mother for the majority of the session. At one point, T had asked me to say something to my mother, and so I said "she is...no, you are..."

At that point T said he liked what I was doing, talking directly to her, and brought over the Evil Chair. That lasted a while. I told her what I needed from her, how I felt about the voicemail, etc.

I don't remember most of the chair work. I was really upset, sobbing some. But one thing I remember saying was that I felt bad for my mother because I feel like I have the capacity for deep and meaningful love, but that her continued bad judgement precluded her from having that with me. At that moment I looked at T and said, "now, this may come as a surprise to you, but I think I have the capacity to be a very likable person." He said that wasn't surprising to him at all, that he liked me very much. I clarified that the surprising part was that I was saying it. He laughed and agreed.

T at one point reframed something I said as that I needed to let the relationship between my mother and me die. It was an eloquent way to say what I was thinking, but I shrugged my shoulders and said I didn't know how. That I felt like I was never going to get there. That I was exhausted from the conversation. I didn't want to talk about her anymore.

T looked at his watch. "Well, we have about 20 minutes left. You said something else was bothering you." He was right. I had said that I was upset by multiple things right after I had listened to the voicemail. That I wasn't sure how much of what I felt was because of her or other issues.

I shook my head. I didn't want to talk about it. "Well, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but I can tell you're upset."

I said that my anger was probably due to recency bias. That ultimately it wasn't important, I'd get over it. "Wait, how recent are we talking about? This morning?"

I nodded and muttered "I'm upset with you."

"Why, what did I do? Or I guess I should say what did I do now?" We both chuckled at that. It's been a rocky few months between him and I.

I told him I was upset that he wanted to move my appointment for someone else. I had assumed it was a personal thing, not for another client.

He said he was attempting to accommodate the family that came in before me. But did I remember what the text message said? Yes, "if not, no problem." But I glared at him and said that he was an idiot to think that was enough, because we've talked at length about my inability to set boundaries. It was part of the conversation surrounding my mother earlier in session.

So the conversation transitioned from him being a butt to my lack of boundaries with others. My department chair seeks me out for the nasty favors at work because he knows I'll do it. For example, my coteacher got pulled to cover a meeting at central office on Friday during our remedial block. When I asked her how that happened, she told me the department head was actually looking for me, but I was still on vacation.

He said that he thought that my inability to set boundaries was linked to my intense fear of rejection. He clarified in that moment that fear of rejection from others is normal. I said I knew that, but that I also knew the extent to which I feared rejection was abnormally high. He didn't disagree with that.

He said that in order to protect myself, to set boundaries, I'd have to risk being rejected, but that ultimately he believed that the risk was worth it.

I sighed and said I wasn't sure if I was in a place to take those kinds of risks. That I felt like I wasn't making progress anymore with him or in my journey of personal growth. That perhaps this was as good as it gets.

He said he agreed and he didn't. He said that I hadn't been making as much progress recently, but that's a normal thing. He talked about how he used to play guitar and for a while he was really happy with how good he was playing. "Like wow, I'm actually proficient, but then I started to feel frustrated that I wasn't getting any better. That I wasn't going to be the next Eric Clapton or whoever."

His point was that at some point we all plateau. That growth becomes so small and incremental that you don't even notice it anymore. This upset me a lot. I was sitting in session very upset about everything that had happened with my mother, thinking about how nothing is ever going to change, and I felt like he's confirmed that I have reached the pinnacle.

He said it was about time to stop (though he shorted me 5 minutes from the people before me), but wanted to share two things with me, as he could see that I was really upset. I don't remember what either was. They were what I felt were droll platitudes that had nothing to do with me. After he said both, he looked at me and said "that didn't help, did it?" I shook my head, and he said "I'm sorry" in a really low voice. I shrugged as I grabbed my things and walked out. I nearly collapsed in the elevator crying.

I've been asleep most of the day since my appointment. I just don't know that I have the strength to continue. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Hugs, Daisy...that sounds really difficult.

MC last night was mostly about him talking. He talked over the top of us most of the session. It was like getting his standard spell on how he does couples counseling. He had this set of handouts of couple skill building, about communication and listening, about verbal abuse... it was fairly frustrating for me and a little for my wife. We are not quite at that place with things. He was late getting us started but stopped us right on time and that was annoying too.

As for my wife and I, we went in to session in a good laughing mood and laughed and joked most the way through the session. I think that was good for him to see because that is a big part of what has worked and been the good in our relationship. It wasn't until the last 5ish minutes that we got to talking about something of importance/value.

We left counseling and went out to dinner. My wife did something at dinner that pissed me off. I tried to get past it because it ended up working out fine in the end. However, I the drive home, I brought up the thing from counseling and it turned very negative, very fast. I think I did it to pick a fight. We didn't fight - just went negative. We talked for a few hours and got no where; circles. We have competing wants and can't find a win-win solution.

I'm sorry, that sounds like a very unhelpful session. One thing I like about our MC is that he doesn't do things like give out handouts. It's very unstructured, and we can basically talk about whatever we want. (Sometimes a little more structure would probably help though.)

When do you see him again? I remember before you said it might be some time before next session, depending on surgeries and things. Maybe next time tell him you just need time to talk?

(((Daisy))) its like the marshmallow test, where they put a kid in a room with a marshmallow, and tell them they can have two marshmallows in 15 minutes if they dont eat the one thats there. Its supposed to test the kids ability to put off immediate pleasure for future reward.

If all you know is deprivation and broken promises, you KNOW there is no such thing as future reward. You take it when you can get it, or you lose it forever. There is a real cultural bias to this test, the FINALLY freakin realize.

Its so hard to give up that relationship with mother. Its like saying you dont believe in god. Youre adrift. But you have a right to live. Life asserts itself.

But who are you, beethoven, or beethoven's son? Who has really left their mark on history?

Thanks, yeah I felt it was a waste. We at least have stuff to talk about at next session if we get to talk at all.

We see him Oct 13th. I have possible surgery dates of oct 10th or 17th or nov 14th for the first one and Dec 1st for the second given an ict first. The 17th is looking promising but not guaranteed at this point. Oct 10th is a stretch

Strange, sad, slow, stilted session. Wasted so much time silently curled in a ball, squeezing my eyes shut and clenching my teeth. Trying not to cry. Trying not to scream. Not sure why.

Desperately didn't want to leave. I felt like he didn't want me to either. He said... Something like that. Something about wanting more connection, more time, but not being able to. Maybe he didn't mean it, maybe it's just a thing he says.

I wish he had said "don't go, stay with me" and put his arms around me.

I feel like I can't bear it anymore, wanting him so much.

I don't want to do this anymore.

F***.