[koru_kiwi]

there is often a lot of discussions and stories here about clients who have had bad or or harmful experiences with a therapist and i am quite curious as to how often and why those who have had adverse therapy experiences continue to seek or not seek further help from those in the same industry as the prior offending T.

what I find the most curious, and don't quite understand, is why some clients will seek the help of another T to help them process the harm that a previous T has caused, especially in the instances where there was a serious breach of trust by the offending T. not only is this harmed client having to address (and pay for) the original issues that brought them to T in the fist place with the next T, now they are adding the extra trauma/damage that was inflicted upon them by the prior T (and having to pay yet more to heal that damage).

also, i struggle with understanding how one could ever come to fully trust another T, expose their deepest vulnerabilities, so the therapy can be useful and productive after having such vulnerabilities taken advantage of.

personally, i am at a place where i don't plan to seek further therapy to repair or heal past damage by my former Ts.

this definilty baffles me... and i would love to hear others perspectives, both good and bad.

[missbella]

I believed therapists were saviors. I made the mistake of returning to the therapist who referred me to the bully--her friend--in the first place. I tried again years later. Going to therapy, then returning was a terrible mistake in all instances.

The therapists performed roles of sages and seers, and I bought. I childishly and magically believed that they had some unattainable wisdom. It took me a long time to discard my illusion.

[Out There]

My first ( and one of the two current ) T is very good and I guess I got a little spoilt. Then I sought specific trauma therapy with another T who proved to be traumatic. Then the third T I sought to help with that damage proved to be very good. So for me it was 2 out 3 which as Meatloaf tells us " ain't bad ". This is a really difficult one as we see that some T's won't acknowledge that other members of their profession can be very damaging. These topics often lead to interesting and contentious discussion.

[Favorite Jeans]

It is definitely hard to trust again after a bad therapy experience but I kind of need myself. I am not willing to just go through the rest of my life with unprocessed grief, trauma, anxiety, depression and crappy coping skills running the show just because I've had some harmful therapists in past and I refuse to seek help again.

Let's say you crave companionship. Would you choose to be celibate forever because your last lover was a jerk who hurt you? Or be alone forever because a friend betrayed you?

I've had all three of those experiences and certainly, they've made me more careful with my heart and my trust than I used to be. But I think in all cases I'd like to be a person who is resilient enough to risk connecting again—maybe more cautiously and thoughtfully this time—even knowing so well now that the possibility of hurt and heartache is inherent in love and trust.

[junkDNA]

Because I want to get better and be well

[atisketatasket]

In my case it was a bad experience with a psychiatrist. But, I did not seek further therapy just to deal with that - I have other issues at the moment too.

I did find that when I mention the experience, most therapists jump not to "that was a dreadful experience" but to "why did you react so strongly? It must have brought up something from your past." As though being suddenly dumped by a psychiatrist you'd trusted because they insist you're suicidal (when you're not) isn't bad enough on its own?

Eta: oh, and as for trust, yes, it's hard, but it's like swimming - at some point one has to take off the water wings and just do it. If one wants to try therapy again that is - there are alternatives out there.

[Gettingitsoon]

I haven't (yet) experienced a bad therapy.
But I think I would attempt processing cautiously with a new T. I would not want to feel defeated by the abusive T.

As an aside, my current T pretty often acknowledges the existence of mediocre and incompetent therapists. Kind of like in any other field. One of many reasons we click.

[precaryous]

I found another T right away while I was in a relationship with the abusive T. After I moved to another state it took me 15 years to try to find more healing and support. I was lucky and found someone on the second try.

No, I don't trust her 100% but she is very helpful and supportive. I never expected to find another attachment, but I have. I'm lucky she seems to be serious about having my best interest at heart. We will see.

I had a therapist who tended to be quite sloppy, self-centered, defensive and blaming. I had rounds of conflicts like that with him but would not pay another T to address just that, it would be a bit crazy for me to go from T to T, spend my time and money on talking about one to the other. Both of my therapists were quite curious about the other though.

[AllHeart]

Someone I know and respect greatly referred and pushed me to see my now current therapist. This t has some experience in helping clients with harmful therapy experiences. I've been seeing this t for 5 months now. She's given me tremendous support and is very understanding and patient with me. I was stuck in such a state of trauma because of old t that I honestly don't think I would have survived without current t's help.

Though I resisted initially, I knew I had to find another therapist to help me get out of the reckless situation I was in with old t. It was really bad and really complicated. It's been devastatingly costly - emotionally and financially. Long road ahead, too. Only in the last week and a half did I find hope to be able to come to trust my current t enough to be able to work out my non-therapist induced issues in the future. At least things are progressing.

My old t used my vulnerabilities against me. She used every single one of my insecurities and fears to intentionally hurt me in the end, all to try to cover her own *** and keep me quiet. For me not to go to therapy to get the help that I need and deserve makes my old t the "winner." She doesn't get to keep me down. She doesn't get my power. I am fighting back.

It's an extremely unfortunate situation to be harmed by a t. It's one that is grossly senseless and sometimes impossible to comprehend. It's easy to feel defeated and to give up hope that safe, skilled therapists are out there that can help us. I'm blessed to have found one of those therapists. Still, it's scary for me. I have to take the risk though because I refuse to go through the rest of my life living the way I've been existing.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by koru_kiwi

there is often a lot of discussions and stories here about clients who have had bad or or harmful experiences with a therapist and i am quite curious as to how often and why those who have had adverse therapy experiences continue to seek or not seek further help from those in the same industry as the prior offending T.

what I find the most curious, and don't quite understand, is why some clients will seek the help of another T to help them process the harm that a previous T has caused, especially in the instances where there was a serious breach of trust by the offending T. not only is this harmed client having to address (and pay for) the original issues that brought them to T in the fist place with the next T, now they are adding the extra trauma/damage that was inflicted upon them by the prior T (and having to pay yet more to heal that damage).

also, i struggle with understanding how one could ever come to fully trust another T, expose their deepest vulnerabilities, so the therapy can be useful and productive after having such vulnerabilities taken advantage of.

personally, i am at a place where i don't plan to seek further therapy to repair or heal past damage by my former Ts.

this definilty baffles me... and i would love to hear others perspectives, both good and bad.

I completely agree. I refuse to seek out another T when things with one T doesn't work out. I had a long break and returned to my ex T to just have an issue with her a few days ago and take another break. I cancelled my appointment 3 hrs before because of our nonsense texts. She won't admit that she was wrong. I owned up to my cancellation and I'm paying her for the session. This break is very different from the last and I think it shows her I professionalism. I will not be returning to her at all or another T to pay to be minimized or have conflicts with. I still haven't even gotten close to resolving any of my issues. When I look at would I've spent i consider myself stupid. I could do so much more with an extra $360 a month plus the gas to get there. At this point in my like I refuse to subject myself to the same treatment by another T or worse. I'm not willing to take the risk with another.

Perhaps certain people might feel Like they need to process these thoughts with another T and take a risk but at what cost??? There's so much more involved. A friend of mine said once to me that he will not pay someone $100 to just talk. He said there better be labs and treatments involved that actually show proof that something is being done but he will not pay $100 to just talk. I get what he's saying now. That's always been in the back of my head at the end of a non-Productive session. I'm not saying this is the case with all therapists and I don't expect clients to side with me but this has been my experience and the direction I choose to take now.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I desperately needed to find another T when my ex-T abandoned me. It was life or death. It wasn't just that I needed to process the loss, but I needed support. I reached out to as many people as I could (family, advocate, crisis house counselor, DBT group T, part-time T at clinic, people here on PC), but it wasn't enough. I saw one T for 2 weeks, but it didn't work out. Then I found my current T. She allowed me to talk about ex-T and the abandonment as much as I wanted to. She also tried communicating with ex-T to get answers, but she didn't get any. Things were not easy at the beginning of our relationship. The trust wasn't there. How could it be? I was just abandoned by a T. Plus we had some communication issues/growing pains. And current T playing middleman between ex-T and I, put my T in a bad position. But things got better. I processed the loss of ex-T. My relationship with my current T grew. I trust my T now. Not fully. She still has to reassure me EVERY week that she's not leaving me. It's like if she doesn't reassure me, then it's not true. I need a refresher/reminder.

I am so so glad I found another T. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't seek out help. My T has really helped me deal with the abandonment of ex-T. I rarely cry for her. I still think about her from time to time, and I am still grieving the loss, but I'm so much better. Even 2 days ago was my ex-T's birthday and I didn't cry!

[magicalprince]

I really could use help/support but I find it very hard to want to try again. I've had mostly bad experiences with Ts. The thing that's hard for me is how much I convinced myself it was OK the last time it happened. How much I was complacent about the fact that I was being used because I had contorted the meaning of it so much in my mind. Not only do I not trust therapists, I don't trust myself.

At one time I chose never to do therapy again. I preferred using my funds for other things. I always paid cash and never used insurance. Fast forward my teenager and I were going through a difficult time and found a good Family therapist. She saw that I was an empty shell with little reserve and after two months where my son would come sometimes if I bribed or threatened him, she offered me individual sessions in addition to family. I was reluctant, because I did not want to spend the rest of my life in therapy wow is me-ing. After all I was a single mom with a teenager. She said it would take 18-24 months. After a few weeks I found myself incredibly attached. (I didn't know anything about attachment or attachment therapy) It was painful as hell, but worth every second of what I suffered through to get to the other side. It's a personal decision, but I do know that a therapist that has done their own work and is solid at their emotional core is a prerequisite. I found an old poem that I wrote to FM, early on in our journey, but was in a crazy state at this point I know nothing about writing poetry. I may have shared this years ago when I was on PC.

I want to loose it all, but I won't. I won't give in!

My body is ready to burst

I won't give in to the craziness.*

I am a mother with a child that needs me

I am better than the labels that were put upon me without my consent.*

I am not crazy

I am a human being*

I do have control over my feelings.*

I am just saddled with unrequited love from a wounded mother*

A mother that could not nurse her own hurts

To mother me the way I deserved

Don't blame me

Don't run away from me

Don't make me the Pariah of your profession

Don't turn me away with the first phone call

I need you, we need you

We need to be,

Reparented

To know that someone cares from beginning to end

Stay by my side and let me grow my proper wings

And then, and only then, let me walk through your door

As an equal

To all others

Can you hear me

jackie, carolyn,

maryanne, suzanne,

virginia, marina,

and all the others

whose names I cannot remember or maybe choose not to remember?*

FM, you are the last stop on this journey.

Are you with me FM?

Can you handle me? Will you handle me?*

How will you let me walk out your door?

With a shove

Or your gently opened fingers

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by AttachmentesBueno

At one time I chose never to do therapy again. I preferred using my funds for other things. I always paid cash and never used insurance. Fast forward my teenager and I were going through a difficult time and found a good Family therapist. She saw that I was an empty shell with little reserve and after two months where my son would come sometimes if I bribed or threatened him, she offered me individual sessions in addition to family. I was reluctant, because I did not want to spend the rest of my life in therapy wow is me-ing. After all I was a single mom with a teenager. She said it would take 18-24 months. After a few weeks I found myself incredibly attached. (I didn't know anything about attachment or attachment therapy) It was painful as hell, but worth every second of what I suffered through to get to the other side. It's a personal decision, but I do know that a therapist that has done their own work and is solid at their emotional core is a prerequisite. I found an old poem that I wrote to FM, early on in our journey, but was in a crazy state at this point I know nothing about writing poetry. I may have shared this years ago when I was on PC.

I want to loose it all, but I won't. I won't give in!

My body is ready to burst

I won't give in to the craziness.*

I am a mother with a child that needs me

I am better than the labels that were put upon me without my consent.*

I am not crazy

I am a human being*

I do have control over my feelings.*

I am just saddled with unrequited love from a wounded mother*

A mother that could not nurse her own hurts

To mother me the way I deserved

Don't blame me

Don't run away from me

Don't make me the Pariah of your profession

Don't turn me away with the first phone call

I need you, we need you

We need to be,

Reparented

To know that someone cares from beginning to end

Stay by my side and let me grow my proper wings

And then, and only then, let me walk through your door

As an equal

To all others

Can you hear me

jackie, carolyn,

maryanne, suzanne,

virginia, marina,

and all the others

whose names I cannot remember or maybe choose not to remember?*

FM, you are the last stop on this journey.

Are you with me FM?

Can you handle me? Will you handle me?*

How will you let me walk out your door?

With a shove

Or your gently opened fingers

im glad that worked out for you. I can relate to
Much of what you're saying. I also have a teenage son that I used to bribe to go to therapy. I don't need to do that anymore with either of my boys which is great. We hit some issues here and there and recently scheduling has become an issue. We've learned to adjust to how their therapist works. as for myself I've stuck it out with my therapist because I really do think she has the potential to help me and she has but there are times that she doesn't see where she goes wrong. I'm still in need of therapy and I have lots to work on in addition to my transference issues now. I paid cash as well and didn't use any insurance but I think what's most disappointing is the five years invested in order for it to end the way it did. It just left a bad taste in my mouth and I'm actually so disappointed that I'm walking way from therapy. I prefer to use my coping skills and save myself the $360 than to contact her or look for a new T. We do use insurance for my boys therapist. She's okay but again could be more professional and they fell off of her schedule in order to prioritize for others. I've had contact with four therapists so far and I see the holes in therapy. I'm not there to judge but when I see that needs are not met it makes me think of the prioritization and the goal of therapy when it comes to certain therapists.

[BudFox]

For me seeking external validation/meaning/approval was part of the problem, not the solution. And what's the point? If I pay someone to validate my damaging therapy experience (or any other), it means nothing. It's an act performed for money. And that validation in my experience will be mixed with all sorts of manipulations in defense of the therapy construct, and that will always prevail.

It's a closed, self-perpetuating system that requires conformity, and has its own fixed reality. All I would ever get is more of the same.

Here's a good analogy:
"In nonrelativistic classical mechanics, a closed system is a physical system that doesn't exchange any matter with its surroundings, and isn't subject to any force whose source is external to the system".

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by BudFox

For me seeking external validation/meaning/approval was part of the problem, not the solution. And what's the point? If I pay someone to validate my damaging therapy experience (or any other), it means nothing. It's an act performed for money. And that validation in my experience will be mixed with all sorts of manipulations in defense of the therapy construct, and that will always prevail.

It's a closed, self-perpetuating system that requires conformity, and has its own fixed reality. All I would ever get is more of the same.

Here's a good analogy:
"In nonrelativistic classical mechanics, a closed system is a physical system that doesn't exchange any matter with its surroundings, and isn't subject to any force whose source is external to the system".

I agree. I don't need someone to agree or to tell me how abusive or horrible of an experience I had. My own judgment tells me that. I also found that my therapist was more likely to blame me for an incident or label me as the one at fault and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. I had to spend part of my session defending my stance. It seemed that no matter what I said the therapist was always right in any scenario I've faced.

[koru_kiwi]

thanks everyone for your stories and input. it definilty goes to show just how complex being in this kind of situation can be for each of us, depending on our situation, needs, and beliefs.

when i finally ended therapy with my last T, i made sure that i was in a position that would cause the least amount of personal 'damage'. i wanted to be able to end on my terms with my dignity intact and with no regrets. i spent over a year working towards that goal, with the support of my spouse, and my T really was none the wiser to my own personal goal until i announced i was ready to terminate.

for me, deciding not to return to therapy has more to do with being dissatisfied with the profession/ system as a whole than because of my ex-T. i still love my ex-T for the brief moments and occasions over the many years when he was able to share his 'authentic' self with me, but i do not have those same feelings for him as a T.

reading many of these responses has brought forth another question i would like to ask. i can understand needing good support when ending a harmful relationship with a T (i know sure did), but wonder why those who have moved on to a new T for help, feel that this is one of the only ways to address their issues or the pain they suffered from an offending T? i.e. why is seeking further therapy the best solution to the problem? and if that person requires to see many different Ts (to find the perfect fit) to try and sort that issue, at what point does one say enough is enough...i want off this crazy ride?

[missbella]

I needed that validation, which was useless for reasons you state. I had to question the entire therapy construct finally to leave the loop. More therapy merely kept me in what turned out to be a contrived reality for me.

Originally Posted by BudFox

For me seeking external validation/meaning/approval was part of the problem, not the solution. And what's the point? If I pay someone to validate my damaging therapy experience (or any other), it means nothing. It's an act performed for money. And that validation in my experience will be mixed with all sorts of manipulations in defense of the therapy construct, and that will always prevail.

It's a closed, self-perpetuating system that requires conformity, and has its own fixed reality. All I would ever get is more of the same.

Here's a good analogy:
"In nonrelativistic classical mechanics, a closed system is a physical system that doesn't exchange any matter with its surroundings, and isn't subject to any force whose source is external to the system".

[anais_anais]

I have never had a bad therapy experience. I had a therapist once that I would call lackluster, but the experience was not a harmful one.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by koru_kiwi

reading many of these responses has brought forth another question i would like to ask. i can understand needing good support when ending a harmful relationship with a T (i know sure did), but wonder why those who have moved on to a new T for help, feel that this is one of the only ways to address their issues or the pain they suffered from an offending T? i.e. why is seeking further therapy the best solution to the problem? and if that person requires to see many different Ts (to find the perfect fit) to try and sort that issue, at what point does one say enough is enough...i want off this crazy ride?

For me, I didn't have enough solid support in my life, or anyone qualified enough to help me given the extent of the damage by ex-t. It was my only choice. I was in trauma. I was total dire straits. Crazy. Without seeking professional help, I would have completely self-destructed. That said, had I wound up with a therapist that was invalidating or not understanding of my situation, there was one other therapist I would have tried. Beyond that, I am certain I would have been done with therapy for good. Perhaps more than that, too.

I really lucked out. So far more therapy has been the best solution to my problem. I'm out of trauma and I'm strong enough to take action against my ex-t. Fingers crossed.

[stopdog]

I have had mediocre experiences with therapists.

[here today]

After one particularly bad T experience I was so dysfunctional and desperate that I did need help of some sort and didn't have any support -- had never had had any real support, except for my husband who had passed away. The trauma specialist T I eventually hired was sympathetic and believed me but after 6 years she shamed and couldn't be there for me, either. However, this time I felt enough support on PC and some IRL support groups so I did NOT look for more therapy. Plus the 6 years with the last therapist had helped me become more aware of my fragmentation, which was helpful, I think, in that I didn't fall apart as bad as I had with the previous one.

[Ididitmyway]

I am a bit split between two responses: one is that I've sought therapy afterwards and the other one is that I'm yet to find a T who can help. They both apply because I have sought subsequent therapy and because I haven't found the type of help I hoped for. I chose the first response (I have sought therapy after getting harmed in therapy) because to me it implies that not only one has sought subsequent therapy but has been also helped, at least somewhat.

As I said, I was not satisfied with my subsequent therapy experience but I could say that it has helped somewhat because it gave me validation that I needed badly at that time and some helpful insight as well. To be honest, the entire subsequent "therapy" that I consider helpful contained of just 5-6 sessions with 4 different therapists each of whom gave me some useful perspective, which helped me integrate the traumatic experience in the more or less coherent narrative and to distance myself enough from it to gain some emotional balance.

Two sessions with two different therapists were especially powerful.

One was with my former marriage counselor who agreed to see me together with the offending therapist under a condition that she only considered me her client, not him. During that session, she said straight to his face that his behavior was unprofessional and unethical. It was powerful to have another professional supporting me and standing by my side in the dispute with my former therapist.

Another powerful session was with the male T who simply asked me in a very neutral way what I wanted to do with my relationship with the unethical T. He acknowledged the fact that my former T committed an ethical violation, but he didn't get emotionally involved in that drama one way or another, which I greatly appreciated. His detachment helped me understand that, ultimately, I had the power to decide the outcome of the situation and that, ultimately, my life was my business and it was up to me, no one else, to take care of it.

Despite how much that brief experience helped me, I didn't find any of those therapists good enough for me to, once again, embark on yet another lengthy therapy adventure. Later I realized that I simply no longer believed in the traditional therapy model regardless of who is conducting it. That's why those few sessions with different Ts were just as much as I needed from other professionals at that time. They helped. I got what I needed and moved on.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Despite how much that brief experience helped me, I didn't find any of those therapists good enough for me to, once again, embark on yet another lengthy therapy adventure. Later I realized that I simply no longer believed in the traditional therapy model regardless of who is conducting it. That's why those few sessions with different Ts were just as much as I needed from other professionals at that time. They helped. I got what I needed and moved on.

this sounds like a very empowered approach to dealing with a harmful therapy experience and if i was to ever return to T to process the things that had happened, this is the way i would prefer to do it...get what i need in a few sessions and move on. similar to you, i have no desire to get stuck into a long term therapy relationship again.

for this to work though, i think that a client would definilty have to be in a place where they felt strong enough and not vulnerable so they would not have to rely heavily on the T for emotional support.