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  #26  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 05:08 PM
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anais_anais anais_anais is offline
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Originally Posted by DodgersMom View Post
i plan to. its in my notes for tuesday

i am so terrified though. i don't even understand why it feels so wrong to me, i have no sexual abuse history.... i feel like I'm just insane.

the issue i worry though, is say i do become out with it with him, how do i transfer that to people i dont trust or feel safe with?
It doesn't necessarily have to come from SA history. It can be any number of things, say, relatives being overbearing about being required to hug at family gatherings. Or maybe it's a sensory thing where being close to people is too overstimulating. Or maybe one learned in a non-touching scenario that people cannot be trusted and physical intimacy is an extension of that. Etc.

And I would say you never have to extend this to people you don't trust or feel safe with. Ever, absolutely no exceptions.

But you might find (or not) that you do eventually trust more people-- and this can be a process akin to watching grass grow.
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  #27  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 05:11 PM
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DodgersMom DodgersMom is offline
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Originally Posted by anais_anais View Post
It doesn't necessarily have to come from SA history. It can be any number of things, say, relatives being overbearing about being required to hug at family gatherings. Or maybe it's a sensory thing where being close to people is too overstimulating. Or maybe one learned in a non-touching scenario that people cannot be trusted and physical intimacy is an extension of that. Etc.

And I would say you never have to extend this to people you don't trust or feel safe with. Ever, absolutely no exceptions.

But you might find (or not) that you do eventually trust more people-- and this can be a process akin to watching grass grow.
i have major trust issues so thats my thing, i don't see ever being able to trust others to the point, id be intimate with them etc.

i trust 3 ppl in my life. thats it. unless you count my dogs lol

and ya i guess that makes sense, we didn't touch/hug at all in my family, other than high fives sometimes.

i think maybe its because i was always told to keep my hands to myself, along with many other things that kept me terrified of getting close to people.
  #28  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 06:11 PM
Anonymous57382
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That is awesome.... was it weird at all to do that?

The idea of holding anyone's hand is so anxiety provoking for me and I'm unsure why I feel like it would probably be helpful/healing like hugs have been but I feel like I'd be too scared to do it. It sounds dumb but it feels "wrong" to me to touch people.
It didn't feel as weird as I thought it might. He didn't sit next to me, we sat in our normal seats but sat forward. Sitting forward felt nice. I felt in control of our contact if that makes sense.
  #29  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 06:15 PM
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T and I live in different countries so we dont see each other often. But when we do see each other we frequently hold hands and hug, and sit next to each other.
  #30  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 06:18 PM
Salmon77 Salmon77 is offline
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Callilady, no you're not the only one. I haven't had and don't want myT touching me, and he does not "do hugs," he said once.

But I can see how it might be helpful for others.
  #31  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 06:34 PM
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RoboT has touched me a couple of times, all of which he initiated. The first time he touched me on the shoulder as I was getting in my car. It was just to get my attention.

The other time was in our last session. I was incredibly upset, and he was rubbing my arms in an attempt to console me. I liked and didn't like it at the same time. I do have a desire to be hugged or held by him, but I've never expressed this to him. I was so withdrawn into myself when he was physically consoling me that I instinctually pulled away from him.

Unless something epic comes up in the next 2 weeks, this is what I'd like to discuss with him in our next session.
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  #32  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 06:39 PM
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Argonautomobile Argonautomobile is offline
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Seems to me that touching psychotherapy patients/clients without permission is a pretty good way to get punched in the face. Well, touching anyone without permission, for that matter.

Thinking about my T making a demonstrative gesture makes me want to punch him in the face. He's always been good about staying 3-4 feet away. Except when we were doing EMDR. Ugh. I still twitch slightly when I think about that.

If it's something one wants in one's therapy, though, I imagine it could be helpful to at least talk about that.
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  #33  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 07:11 PM
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My t and I hug sometimes. I wanted a hug from her for the longest time during the first year, but never got up the courage to ask until right before she moved out of town. She gave me a hug then. We did phone sessions for more than 2 years then before she moved back. Now that I'm seeing her in person again, we hug occasionally. Usually it's cuz she'll see that I need one and ask if I do and I invariably say yes - the other day after we talked out last week's disaster of a session she said "I think I need a hug." I said "Yeah me too" and we hugged. Every once in awhile we do energy work and there's a little bit of touch involved with that, like she'll touch my head and shoulders. But it's been awhile since we've done any of that.
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  #34  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Starry_Night View Post
T and I live in different countries so we dont see each other often. But when we do see each other we frequently hold hands and hug, and sit next to each other.
Interesting, how does it work to have a therapist in another country?
  #35  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 07:22 PM
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DodgersMom DodgersMom is offline
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Originally Posted by daisydid View Post
RoboT has touched me a couple of times, all of which he initiated. The first time he touched me on the shoulder as I was getting in my car. It was just to get my attention.

The other time was in our last session. I was incredibly upset, and he was rubbing my arms in an attempt to console me. I liked and didn't like it at the same time. I do have a desire to be hugged or held by him, but I've never expressed this to him. I was so withdrawn into myself when he was physically consoling me that I instinctually pulled away from him.

Unless something epic comes up in the next 2 weeks, this is what I'd like to discuss with him in our next session.
Bring it up, its weird, and awkward but if he agrees, it is awesome. I had been talking for weeks about my hugging issues and then told him, how I'm conflicted, because I desire to be ok with hugs and hug people but I'm weirded out by it, so he offered then and there... and have had 4 hugs so far. It's getting easier but I'm still in my head analyzing it every time lol
  #36  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 07:33 PM
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I would NEVER want my T to hold me
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  #37  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 08:48 PM
Virginia1991 Virginia1991 is offline
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I feel very fortunate because I have a therapist who is very open and comfortable with touch. My t sits next to me every session. She doesn't start there but comes over when the time is right. She holds my hand, rubs my back, puts her arm around me and will even hold me. The best part is how loving she does it and how safe it feels. After my first experience in therapy I realized how important this was to me so I actually sought out a therapist who was open to doing this and a kind of therapy that acknowledged the importance of touch vs. making therapists feel like something is wrong with it. For me it is really important because of the extent of my trauma around touch.....having a t not flexible in this area was a deal breaker. Her touch has been the most healing part of my therapy. I am so thankful for her and the healing actually happens through the safe touch more so than the talking. I hope you can put yourself out there, be vulnerable and ask for what you need. It is hard to do but worth it. If your t says no.....just know that there are actually many t's out there who do believe in the value of touch in therapy.
  #38  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 09:08 PM
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ElectricManatee ElectricManatee is offline
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My T has never touched me. I feel ambivalent about the idea of a hug. Maybe eventually we'll talk about it, but I don't really think that's her style.
  #39  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 09:25 PM
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I wouldn't want my therapist to touch me at all. I enjoy hugging friends, but I have never felt any urge to hug my therapist. I mean, I love him as a therapist, but I like the idea of us keeping our bodies contained to our respective selves.

I don't really like it all that much when people touch me while I'm crying or anything though, so physical comfort just isn't a thing I look for when dealing with emotional topics.
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  #40  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 11:03 PM
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I'm not a hugger and I would never ask for a hug but I got a hug from my T once when I was going away for almost 2 months. He initiated it, and it actually felt really right. When I came back I think he might have wanted to initiate one but I went fast straight to my seat, not sure why. I wouldn't want to be comforted that way but It makes me think that maybe I would like hugs more than I like to admit, I just feel ashamed.

I don't think you should be hugging or touching people you don't trust or feel safe with. Maybe it's more about learning who you can trust. Like my T says, you shouldnt just let your walls come down, but you can decide who you give the keys to.
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  #41  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 11:19 PM
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annielovesbacon annielovesbacon is offline
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I shook my T's hand the first day I met her, and we haven't touched since. I'm not a touchy-feely/hugger person at all, and I'd never initiate touch. It doesn't bother me that we haven't/don't touch. However if she were to hug me I would be happy to hug her back. But that's more because it would be a sign of emotional closeness, not because I crave touch or anything. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!! That's just not me.)

I once had a friend grab my hands as they were shaking and hold them when I was having a panic attack. It was very comforting. I have not had a panic attack in the presence of my therapist but if I ever do I would hope she would react in the same way.
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  #42  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 11:38 PM
Calilady Calilady is offline
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Originally Posted by annielovesbacon View Post
I shook my T's hand the first day I met her, and we haven't touched since. I'm not a touchy-feely/hugger person at all, and I'd never initiate touch. It doesn't bother me that we haven't/don't touch. However if she were to hug me I would be happy to hug her back. But that's more because it would be a sign of emotional closeness, not because I crave touch or anything. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!! That's just not me.)

I once had a friend grab my hands as they were shaking and hold them when I was having a panic attack. It was very comforting. I have not had a panic attack in the presence of my therapist but if I ever do I would hope she would react in the same way.
How would you feel when if you had a panic attack in front of her? Would you be comfortable for it to happen in front of her?
  #43  
Old Jul 14, 2017, 11:44 PM
confusedondid confusedondid is offline
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oh my goodness, this thread has been both amazing and very disheartening! I am internally a very touchy, huggy, feely type of person but it is never something that feels allowed to me. I have felt so bad about wishing my therapist would simply touch my shoulder or my knee or my hand and felt it was such a horribly wrong and disgusting thing for me to wish for. Please let me clarify there is nothing inappropriate in my connection or thought toward my therapist, she is a wonderful person and really tries hard but always sits across the room. I have always felt I am not worthy of anybody's compassion at all let alone their touch. I am not one of those people that can't talk very easily especially if the topic is difficult and so many times she will ask me questions and all I can do is think " can't you just scoot over a little closer to me, and maybe it will give me the strength to answer you" but of course I could never say those words so very often I sit mute in much of my sessions. I honestly don't know how she would feel about this subject, but it amazes me to hear how many people have a therapist that has initiated everything from touches to hugs to even holding! Oh my goodness, I cannot even imagine the possibilities for my ability to open up to her if I were able to hide in her strength. I often think about the comfort or safety I might feel if she sat closer or simply held my hands and possibly allow me to say so many things that she cannot understand why I just simply can't answer. I know I have many many issues but to me her holding me and feeling her strength and safety and confort would be better than winning the lottery. But even the thoughts of having the desire feels like it is something so very wrong! and when I sit in her office wishing she would come closer so that I could try to draw on her safety and strength to speak, I feel discust come all over me for wishing it. I hsve no knowledge of ever feeling safe in my life, But oh how I wish it all were possible!

seeing what is so easily approved of and done by many of your therapists, maybe it's not so wrong but just something from my own issues. Before people suggest I bring the topic up, I can't even bring topics up about what I did the day before or what I ate for breakfast, this sure is not something I could ever approach! Don't get me wrong, my therapist is a very wonderful person but wow how different I think our therapy could be if handholding, hugging, and even holding or something that happened. I no she cannot understand sometimes why it seems like I hide so many things, but it is crazy how often this topic you guys are talking about is in my mind when I'm battling to answer something so very difficult. So many times I have thought in my head that if she could just hold my hand I think I could get the words out and land if she were to hold me, I have a feeling a flood of a lifetime might come out; but she has no way of knowing that and I know many therapists don't agree with that philosophy anyway. I know it is all from a missing past that our therapists are not the ones to fill, but I will if only it were possible!

I am so very happy for those of you that crave this physical contact as compassion in your sessions and have a therapist that understands how helpful that is and is able to provide it to you. I hope it has been such an amazing healing process for you!

I would sure love to see a pole done on this topic and what type of touch is done in sessions and how many people wish for it or would be opposed to it. I don't know if it's possible for someone to add a pole to a threading existence, but it would sure be nice to see.

oh, and if anybody be willing to print this entire thread off and slip it under my therapists door so that she could read it and see what other therapists do and how we all feel about it, I would be internally grateful!!!

Last edited by confusedondid; Jul 14, 2017 at 11:58 PM.
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  #44  
Old Jul 15, 2017, 12:54 AM
goatee goatee is online now
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When my therapist sees that I'm upset, she gets up and comes to sit next to me and puts her arm around me. I've never been able to cry and I don't dare to put my head on her shoulder, but she sits next to me for long stretches of time with her arm around me. It is so wonderfully comforting and helpful. I'm curious though and wanted to ask: would you guys consider that holding?
  #45  
Old Jul 15, 2017, 01:17 AM
Amyjay Amyjay is offline
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I don't know about others but I would consider that to be holding Goatee.
I shook my Ts hand when I first met her and we haven't touched since. She doesn't seem very touchy feely although I get a sense of being held by her presence sometimes. I don't think I would want to be touch to be part of our therapy though.
I am transitioning to a new t because my current T is leaving soon and I didn't shake the new ts hand when I met her. I don't know her well enough to guess if she is a touchy feely T or not. But I am pretty sure I wouldn't want touch from her either.
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  #46  
Old Jul 15, 2017, 06:33 AM
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DodgersMom DodgersMom is offline
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Originally Posted by goatee View Post
When my therapist sees that I'm upset, she gets up and comes to sit next to me and puts her arm around me. I've never been able to cry and I don't dare to put my head on her shoulder, but she sits next to me for long stretches of time with her arm around me. It is so wonderfully comforting and helpful. I'm curious though and wanted to ask: would you guys consider that holding?
sort of, its a side hug to me. which i mean, hugs in general i guess are holding so sure

my idea of "being held" though as opposed to a hug/arm on shoulder is both arms around a person
  #47  
Old Jul 15, 2017, 07:21 AM
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captgut captgut is offline
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We've hugged 4 times. I even remember dates lol.
It's very important to me... and his hugs are really healing
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  #48  
Old Jul 15, 2017, 07:23 AM
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DodgersMom DodgersMom is offline
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Originally Posted by captgut View Post
We've hugged 4 times. I even remember dates lol.
It's very important to me... and his hugs are really healing
Same for me. Same # of times, I remember the dates and also a male lol. Very interesting.
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  #49  
Old Jul 15, 2017, 07:30 AM
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I think we've hugged twice. We usually shake hands and sometimes high five.
  #50  
Old Jul 15, 2017, 07:41 AM
Swimmersusan Swimmersusan is offline
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Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
You might be surprised if you ask. I asked my ex-Pdoc for a hug. I never thought she'd be okay with it, but I had to ask. She said so long as it was beneficial to the client it was okay! I was shocked. We didn't hug every appointment, but every time I asked, she gave me a hug. And my ex-Pdoc did not seem like the hugging type at all. She was very professional and kind of stern. But I had an attachment to her anyways and wanted a hug.

I believe it is better to ask and get a no then to not ask and possibly miss out on the touch.
Thanks for the advice... and yes I agree I suppose it's better to ask and not get than never know and maybe miss out on the possibility!
I'm slowly working up the courage, I don't think I can do it next sessionbut it is def in my plans for the near future!
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