[peaches100]

I'm feeling hurt because my t offered contact while she was in Portland this week and then barely gave me the time of day. I'm going through a lot of stuff right now, including serious problems with my mother-in-law's dementia and my husband's multiple health problems. That is in addition to my own C-PTSD, GAD, and DDNOS. We have also been processing some early trauma, which has brought up some difficult feelings for me.

When my t told me she was leaving town for 10 days, I wasn't planning on asking for contact. I told her my goal was not to contact her while she was on vacation, as that feels wrong. But she told me to drop that goal and save it for a time when I felt more stable. She knows I'm going through a lot and she has said more than once "I am there for you." She even said "We can make arrangements to talk on the phone every day if you need that." (Of course, I didn't take her up on that offer.)

On Monday, I emailed to let her know how things were going. My mother-in-law's condition is grave, and I'm worn out by the constant crises at the nursing home and distraught over my mother-in-law's failing health. She has been like a mom to me, and the thought of losing her kills me. I poured out my heart in my message to my t.

My t responded with just two sentences that sounded like canned statements that she quickly typed off and sent without giving it more than a few moments' thought. (My assumption - but that's how it felt). I couldn't even relate to the second sentence. It didn't fit my experience or situation at all.

I felt really hurt and let down because I expected more support than that, and I was confused about how her statement even applied?? So I emailed a second time and let her know I felt hurt and why. She did not respond.

After a day or so, I emailed and asked her if she had received my message. She replied Yes, said she had started a reply and then decided she wasn't going to try to explain herself in an email because things get misconstrued.

That made sense to me, but what didn't make sense is why she didn't offer an alternate way for us to clear up the misunderstanding. She didn't explain in a voice mail, or offer to touch base briefly by phone. She didn't even reply "I think there has been a misunderstanding. Let's talk about it when I see you next)." I felt like she had dropped the ball and just decided to ignore me.

After another day went by, I emailed "It seems that you have decided not to communicate with me, so I will respect your decision." No response.

When her trip was almost over, I did send one last message (I know, I didn't live up to my word). But I was feeling so angry and hurt! I couldn't understand why she would insist on offering support and then not follow through. This isn't the first or even second time she has done something like this. It has been a recurring problem in therapy, and we've had to talk about it before. Afterward, she usually says she wants to work on regaining my trust. But at some point, she offers outside support and then doesn't follow through again! Each time this happens, it triggers my old issues. Each time, I end up wishing I hadn't reached out for support to start with! So I told her this in my email.

She finally replied, telling me that she was glad I expressed my feelings and that what I wrote would inform our work. She then said she was sorry I was finding things so difficult right now.

I feel so confused! Why did she ignore me up to this point? It's nice that She keeps saying that part of our work is to heal those past experiences and for me to learn that I can rely on somebody to be there for me when I need them. So why does she keep encouraging me to reach out for support and then barely respond?

Otherwise, she's a great therapist, very patient and hard working with me. But when it comes to giving any support being the therapy hour, she lets me down! If she doesn't want to give this sort of support, why keep offering (or at times almost insisting) that it's OK for me to reach out for support that way?

After so many times of this, I'm starting to feel tricked. I've canceled my session for this week because I feel frustrated and hurt, and angry even. I don't want to talk about this AGAIN.

I feel awful.

Am I expecting too much?

Peaches

[Lemoncake]

I don't think you're expecting too much and I honestly don't think it's your fault. Trust takes a long time to build but it's so easy to lose. She did let you down by offering to be available and not sticking to her word.

[kecanoe]

I had a similar problem a while back, T1 was out of town and said I could email. I sent a long email, got back a short response that felt like a brush off. I don't remember what it actually said but it was something along the lines of "thanks for sharing your thoughts with me". If he only would have picked out one thing I said and actually commented on it...

So, yeah. I think I understand what you are feeling. I do agree that working things out via email is tricky, and probably best avoided. I think your t should have responded in some way when you sent the email that you were hurt.

What I had to do with T1 was negotiate what felt like support via email, and we had to do it in person, after he returned. It seems so blindingly obvious that the kind of response you got is not support-but it sounds like your t thought she was doing the right thing.

Since it sounds like she is good in session, perhaps really clarifying what is supportive to you when she is away would be worth it.

And, it is definitely not your fault. She was not helpful-and to not respond at all was worse than not helpful in my mind.

[StickyTwig]

I wonder if she would have preferred the phone calls, and thats why she suggested them? In phone calls it is easy to empathise without saying much, you can simply make sympathetic mmm hmm noises, and there is a lot more room to bounce things back making the conversation more fluid and interactive.

With email it is very hard to adequately empathise with someone. The email often sends a complex message and its hard to get across that you've heard it without simply parroting it all back, which feels quite clumsy. For example she could say "It must be so hard to be going through this with your mother in law, especially as she feels so much like a mother to you" which is just repeating back what you said. Or alternatively she could analyse it a bit further, but she might get it wrong leading to misunderstandings and offence! Either way, it takes quite a lot of thought and effort. There may be a sense that whatever she writes isn't going to fully cut it so maybe she doesn't put much thought in at all.

So I can certainly understand what that you feel hurt, but I can also see it a bit from your T's point of view too. Giving a good reply to an email really is hard work!

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I think you may be expecting too much support via email, and it might have felt better to you to have a brief phone conversation with her. It seems to me you are making big assumptions about what your T understood and/or what she could have done and why.

I think support via email is difficult to manage for anyone-- knowing what the other person needs to hear based on their words, without any interaction to sense what's really going on. Much harder to "get it" via email than in person or even on the phone.

Are you often disappointed in your T or other people? I feel that I am, and what sometimes helps me is to realize that (first of all) people can be disappointing when you need support even when they really want to help. It's perfectly okay to feel disappointed. It's been useful for me to be okay with being disappointed. What also really helps me is to try to be more concrete and clear about what I need from the other person.

I think you were expecting too much. She was on vacation. She didnt have to repoy or give you any support at all. It was supposed to be her time off.

[Amyjay]

I am sorry you feel hurt and tricked. I bet she didn't want this outcome for your communications either. It is quite possible that she heard you much more than she was able to convey in her response at the time.
I can see that this is part of your work together. She repeatedly fails you on this point (extra communication) but it seems like overall you find your way back to each other and resolve the issues. So the trust in her is there overall even though she still doesn't meet your expectations in holiday emails.
I dunno, keep working this seems like such important work.

[LonesomeTonight]

I can definitely understand your feeling hurt about her response (and lack of response in some cases). If she didn't want to communicate with you on vacation, she should not have offered it. If she didn't want to explain her thoughts over e-mail, she should have sent you something saying "This is too much to go into over e-mail" and offered a brief phone call (if that would have worked with her vacation timing--though she did say before she left that you could talk daily if needed) or said you could talk when she got back. Not just left you hanging. You should definitely discuss this with her when she returns.

[Willowleaf]

My t always says I should ask for what I want rather than expect her to guess or offer. So in this case if I had emailed or text that I needed a conversation she would give it, but she won't offer it. I have had several infuriating emails like you describe and she always says how hard it is to connect by email. Every now and then she manages to reply in a way that helps but often I feel more frustrated. These days I am better at working out what I want so in an email I would ask for support or reassurance or a question etc.
I'm really sorry you are feeling like this as it been there and it's horrible. Maybe you need to go over this with her when she returns. I have been caught a bit when mine goes on holiday and in the early days she offered contact, but I didn't know how it ask for what I wanted and it was a train wreck!

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

I don't think you're expecting too much and I honestly don't think it's your fault. Trust takes a long time to build but it's so easy to lose. She did let you down by offering to be available and not sticking to her word.

Thanks for understanding, Lemoncake. What you said about trust is true. I have a very, very hard time with trust. It's hard for me to build up trust, and then it doesn't take much for the trust we've built together in therapy to come tumbling down again. It makes me sad.

[peaches100]

It's just so hard for me to understand why she has done this several times over the course of therapy. It seems to be almost the only thing that keeps rearing its ugly head over and over again.

What makes it even harder to understand is that my t usually has to talk me into relying on her support, such as touching base while she is on vacation. We've had problems in the past with her not being available when she says she will be, and then I get hurt feelings. So now, I am very reluctant to reach out for support like that because I don't want to be hurt again. I would never come out and ask her if I could email her on vacation, for example. That was her idea.

The hardest part of this situation, aside from the fact that it keeps occurring, is that it ends up making me feel the same way I did with my parents as a child when I was in crisis and needed their support and help. At best, my mom would say "Oh, it will be OK" or "I wouldn't worry about it" without actually offering help. At worst, she would pretend like she didn't notice I was having a problem. Or, when I tried to let her know I was upset or worried about something, my dad would tell me "Quit whining" or "Don't bother your mom. She has had a hard day." I felt very much like my problems and emotional pain were unimportant to my parents, if not an actual irritation. My t knows all of this already because we've talked about my past a lot.

My t finally replied yesterday to some of the things I'd written. I feel even more confused now. She said this:

How great that this time around, you can safely say all the things to me that you couldn't and haven't been able to say to your parents. How disappointed and hurt you were by them when they weren't there for you. Take this in, as it can be a path to some healing.
I understand that you likely will experience this as not supportive again, but imagine my shock in reading your angry messages when my experience was the polar opposite. I felt myself very present for you and waiting for updates from you. It's natural that parts of you would experience my absence as rejecting, as it's much easier to push away and keep yourself safe if you think I'm like all the others who have abandoned you in some way.

I feel even more confused now. How could she think it was present and supportive to reply to my bid for support with a two-sentence answer that felt canned, and then ignore me when I told her I was upset?

It sounds like she thinks that I am just angry at her for going on a trip, so I'm finding fault as a way of distancing from her. In other words, she is seeing this as an angry transference reaction directed towards her because of my past, rather than seeing my feelings of hurt and anger as being connected to her offering support and then dropping the ball.

I'm even more confused now and don't know what to think or do. I'm under too much stress already with my mother-in-law's dementia and my husband's very poor health, I feel like I'm barely holding it together as it is. I don't want to be having problems with my therapist too.

Today, all my hurt and anger is gone. All that is left are feelings of regret for having expressed any angry or hurt feelings toward my t to start with. I feel like all it did was screw things up more between us. I sent her an apology and asked her to please just forget this ever happened, that I am just under too much pressure and can't think well. I've canceled my session for the week too. I just can't deal with everything going on right now. I feel like I'm going to crack any minute.

It's odd that my t made the statement that I can safely say to her the feelings of disappointment and hurt that I couldn't say to my parents. I don't agree completely with her statement. I'm not sure it was safe for me to say those things to her. Because I didn't react well to her two sentences of support, and I said so, I felt like she punished me by giving me the silent treatment and refusing to respond at all after that.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I had a similar problem a while back, T1 was out of town and said I could email. I sent a long email, got back a short response that felt like a brush off. I don't remember what it actually said but it was something along the lines of "thanks for sharing your thoughts with me". If he only would have picked out one thing I said and actually commented on it...

So, yeah. I think I understand what you are feeling. I do agree that working things out via email is tricky, and probably best avoided. I think your t should have responded in some way when you sent the email that you were hurt.

What I had to do with T1 was negotiate what felt like support via email, and we had to do it in person, after he returned. It seems so blindingly obvious that the kind of response you got is not support-but it sounds like your t thought she was doing the right thing.

Since it sounds like she is good in session, perhaps really clarifying what is supportive to you when she is away would be worth it.

And, it is definitely not your fault. She was not helpful-and to not respond at all was worse than not helpful in my mind.

Hi Kecanoe,

Yes, it was both the length of her reply and the wording of it that felt canned. The first sentence was a repeat of what I'd basically told her ("I know it has been difficult for you dealing with B's health." The second sentence said "The mindful moments you share will be difficult and gratifying." That last sentence did not resonate with me at all when I read it. I had been telling her how distressful my mother-in-law's condition is, how she hates where she is, refuses to eat, and repeatedly pleads that she just wants to die, and other horrible things like that.

To have my t call the situation "difficult" felt like minimizing how bad it was. To me, it feels more like a nightmare. Also, what I'd told my t about the situation felt anything but gratifying. So her reply just didn't fit for me. It didn't seem very connected to what I'd told her, and I had the impression that she had just scanned my email and quickly pecked out a reply without giving it more than a few seconds' thought. That's why I felt so hurt. Then, when I told her I was upset and she ignored my messages, the hurt turned to anger.

To be fair to my t, I know she dislikes email and would prefer that I call her if I am in a crisis. I resist calling because to me, it feels more intrusive than email. Also, it's easier for me to explain my feelings in email. I'm not very good at spontaneous, off the cuff phone conversation. It makes me nervous, and I feel like there are weird silences and times when we both start talking at the same time, etc. I guess maybe it's easier for me to express myself from a distance too, especially if I need to say I feel hurt, upset, etc.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by StickyTwig

I wonder if she would have preferred the phone calls, and thats why she suggested them? In phone calls it is easy to empathise without saying much, you can simply make sympathetic mmm hmm noises, and there is a lot more room to bounce things back making the conversation more fluid and interactive.

With email it is very hard to adequately empathise with someone. The email often sends a complex message and its hard to get across that you've heard it without simply parroting it all back, which feels quite clumsy. For example she could say "It must be so hard to be going through this with your mother in law, especially as she feels so much like a mother to you" which is just repeating back what you said. Or alternatively she could analyse it a bit further, but she might get it wrong leading to misunderstandings and offence! Either way, it takes quite a lot of thought and effort. There may be a sense that whatever she writes isn't going to fully cut it so maybe she doesn't put much thought in at all.

So I can certainly understand what that you feel hurt, but I can also see it a bit from your T's point of view too. Giving a good reply to an email really is hard work!

Hi Stickytwig,

You made some good points. Yes, I know my t doesn't like email very much. I know she doesn't like getting too many, and she doesn't like them to be very long. So maybe she doesn't like sending them often or typing much either. Her reply just felt so scanty, I guess. It felt like I had put a whole lot of my heart and feelings and energy into telling her how I feel...and she responded with the bare minimum. I felt like she didn't want to spend the time or energy to actually support me, but just give the appearance of it, and that really hurt considering that she is the one who offered it. I guess maybe the underlying hurt has to do with me feeling so attached and invested in the therapy relationship, and the realization that her personal investment seems far less.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I think you may be expecting too much support via email, and it might have felt better to you to have a brief phone conversation with her. It seems to me you are making big assumptions about what your T understood and/or what she could have done and why.

I think support via email is difficult to manage for anyone-- knowing what the other person needs to hear based on their words, without any interaction to sense what's really going on. Much harder to "get it" via email than in person or even on the phone.

Are you often disappointed in your T or other people? I feel that I am, and what sometimes helps me is to realize that (first of all) people can be disappointing when you need support even when they really want to help. It's perfectly okay to feel disappointed. It's been useful for me to be okay with being disappointed. What also really helps me is to try to be more concrete and clear about what I need from the other person.

Hi Listenmoretalkless,

Your words made me analyze myself a little bit closer. I have started really wondering if I DO expect too much from other people. I often do feel disappointed in my personal relationships. I've also made a lot of misassumptions that have turned out to be incorrect. I never realized I even did it until my t and I would have a problem, and we would talk about it, and then I would see where I misinterpreted something.

I consistently feel like I invest much more concern, help, and commitment toward other people than they invest in return, and it hurts my feelings. I usually don't say anything to them about it, and I continue showing care and concern, but after too many experiences of having relationships that feel one sided, it starts making me feel unimportant and unvalued inside. It makes me sad. And that is how I feel in the therapy relationship when I feel like my t just gives me the bare minimum...kind of like tossing a couple of dog biscuits my way. I feel like a scroungy dog that people wish would just go away and stop bugging them.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

I think you were expecting too much. She was on vacation. She didnt have to repoy or give you any support at all. It was supposed to be her time off.

Hi Starrynight,

Thanks for your opinion. You're certainly correct that she didn't have to reply or give me support on vacation. I didn't ask her to do that. In fact, I resisted her suggestion to contact her while she was in Portland. My hurt feelings resulted from the fact that she offered support that felt minimal to almost nonexistent.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I am sorry you feel hurt and tricked. I bet she didn't want this outcome for your communications either. It is quite possible that she heard you much more than she was able to convey in her response at the time.
I can see that this is part of your work together. She repeatedly fails you on this point (extra communication) but it seems like overall you find your way back to each other and resolve the issues. So the trust in her is there overall even though she still doesn't meet your expectations in holiday emails.
I dunno, keep working this seems like such important work.

Hi Amyjay,

I'm sure you're right. My t would not want this outcome at all. She's a good and caring person. It's possible that she felt more support and connection than she conveyed in her reply. I admit I hadn't considered that possibility. I would say, though, that unless a person verbalizes their feelings of support and connection (or finds another way to express it), the person on the other end is not going to know they feel it. To them, it will seem nonexistent. So I had no way of knowing how my t felt unless she told me. I had only her two sentences to go on.

I sure hope we can get through this issue together. We've had similar situations several times, and my t always showed a desire and willingness to talk it over and work things out. But this time feels different. She hasn't suggested that I come to my session tomorrow rather than cancel it, nor has she said anything to my expression of just needing to go underground for awhile. It feels like she's letting go and giving up on me.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I can definitely understand your feeling hurt about her response (and lack of response in some cases). If she didn't want to communicate with you on vacation, she should not have offered it. If she didn't want to explain her thoughts over e-mail, she should have sent you something saying "This is too much to go into over e-mail" and offered a brief phone call (if that would have worked with her vacation timing--though she did say before she left that you could talk daily if needed) or said you could talk when she got back. Not just left you hanging. You should definitely discuss this with her when she returns.

Hi Lonesome Tonight,
Thanks for your reply. I agree that if she had just replied to my email by showing concern for my upset feelings, or even just acknowledging that she got my message, instead of me having to ask her if she did, it would not have hurt nearly as much. I feel like she took what I said personally, and then shut me out. She's not usually like that.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

My t always says I should ask for what I want rather than expect her to guess or offer. So in this case if I had emailed or text that I needed a conversation she would give it, but she won't offer it. I have had several infuriating emails like you describe and she always says how hard it is to connect by email. Every now and then she manages to reply in a way that helps but often I feel more frustrated. These days I am better at working out what I want so in an email I would ask for support or reassurance or a question etc.
I'm really sorry you are feeling like this as it been there and it's horrible. Maybe you need to go over this with her when she returns. I have been caught a bit when mine goes on holiday and in the early days she offered contact, but I didn't know how it ask for what I wanted and it was a train wreck!

Hi Willowleaf,

I'm sorry you have experiences like this too. It sounds like you've been able to get clearer with your t about what it is that you want from her in the way of support. I probably do not do a very good job of saying what I want. I feel selfish asking for things, and would much rather she offer support than for me to actually ask for it. When I have to ask for it, I feel guilty, as though I am now making them feel obligated to do something that they may not want to actually do. I think my t must have a good idea of what I want, though, because we've worked together for a very long time. She knows my issues, my triggers, and my needs. I think it would be impossible for her not to know by now. So when things like this happen, it leaves me feeling very confused. I end up feeling like I don't know who is at fault or even if my perceptions are right. I wonder if I'm just crazy after all.

[peaches100]

I'm starting to feel really scared that my t is going to tell me she can't work with me anymore...

[peaches100]

After getting my t's last message, I sent her this:

R,

I'm sorry you felt shocked by my angry message. My intention wasn't to shock or offend you; it was to tell you I felt confused and disconnected by your reply to me. I didn't see how it applied to my situation.

To my recollection, this is what happened.

1. I emailed you and told you how much difficulty I was having coping.

2. You sent two sentences back.

3. I felt hurt because I needed more support than two sentences. Also, I didn't understand how your second sentence even related to my situation. My experience was of feeling confused and disconnected from you. So I emailed and told you how I felt.

4. You ignored my message.

5. The next day, I sent an email inquiry, "Did you receive my message from yesterday?"

6. You replied Yes, but you decided you weren't going to explain yourself in an email.

7. I hoped you would offer a quick phone call to clarify things since you knew I felt hurt...or at least that you might reply, "I think we miscommunicated. Let's talk it over when I see you next time," but you didn't. You just stated that you weren't going to explain it. I felt very hurt and dismissed. I also regretted having said anything to you, because it felt as though you were punishing me with silence.

8. I emailed: "It seems that you've decided not to communicate with me, so I will respect your decision."

9. You ignored my message.

10. By then, I felt so abandoned! I sent you one last message to explain how I felt, and I told you this time that I would not expect a reply.

11. You finally replied, telling me you were glad for the words because it would assist us in our work, etc..

Based on the interactions between us, I didn't experience you as being present with me or supportive. I'm confused about how you perceived that you were? I don't know why we saw things totally opposite.

I didn't experience your trip as rejecting. It was the interactions between us that made me feel rejected. I am not trying to see you like all the others who have abandoned me. But when you say you are there for me, and then you are not, how am I supposed to feel?

I'm more than happy to be corrected if what I stated above isn't true. But this is what I experienced.

T

I sent it yesterday and so far, she has not replied. If she doesn't, I guess I'm going to take a break from therapy for 2-3 weeks until I feel like I can see this situation more objectively.

Right now, the therapy relationship is feeling more stressful than helpful. I don't know how to clear up this misunderstanding, and fear it may not be possible. This whole issue of my needing more support than she seems able to give has come up so many times already. I don't think it's resolvable.

From now on, I am not going to send her any more email for any reason, no matter how much she tells me it's OK. I've said this before, and then caved after she talked me into doing it again, only to have something similar happen again. It always happens again.

Also, I'm not going to ask her for more support. I'll take what she gives me and deal with it. If it's not enough, I'll have to provide it for myself. I just can't keep going through this kind of situation again and again. It's like being stuck in a psychological Groundhog Day.

[peaches100]

[Pennster]

Aw, peaches, this sounds so distressing. I don't know if this is going to be a useful perspective for you,, but I have a lot of outside contact with my t. I have found that using the phone is super-helpful if I need support. Emails I use more if I just want to report something, because I don't find a response by email helps me feel connected or supported enough to be helpful. But with a phone call I can hear his concern and support in a way that leaves me feeling connected and better able to move forward with whatever I decide my next steps need to be. Do you think you might be up for experimenting a bit more with phone calls instead of email and see how that works out next time?