Just listened to a voicemail my ex-therapist left...

She left it a little over three weeks ago, the same day she rec'd my termination letter via mail.

In her VM (voicemail), she tells me that she thinks it's a good idea to move forward and end therapy and I can find someone I'm comfortable with. At the end, she wishes me the best and tells me to take care. Painful, AF, even if I can hear her trying to be a good sport about it. She repeats herself a lot and stutters once or twice.

In between all of that, she goes onto to say that I was misunderstood about her cancellation. In my letter, I told her I believe she skirted around the truth about why she cancelled. She went on to tell me (in her voicemail) that because she's "known me for a while" she would say her grandmother had cancer, had a stroke, and passed and she had to left town abruptly.
I strongly believe that this is not the case and not how things went down. Prior to that, our sessions had become strenuous. I could hear ambivalence in her voice towards me and felt awful...for her. She was frustrated and sometimes, harsh and cold. She spoke to me in ways I had never heard before...we had hit a therapeutic impasse and I'm not sure she knew what to do about me. Our sessions had gone from (what looked like) two friends laughing and having conversation about my crap, to her being involved in it and it turned into a slog.

After hearing her VM today, I was so upset that I nearly emailed asked her for a termination session. She didn't offer this to me in the nearly two minute long message and in my logical mind, I wouldn't want one anyway because I don't trust her, do not feel safe, and I would believe she would be disingenuous- wearing a mask of sorts- but she did say I could call her to talk about it, which is what she would like (she said).

It hurts to know she's still clinging on to this...skirting of the truth. In regards to her cancellation (and she saying she had to leave out-of-town), I saw her the very next morning walking into a restaurant only two hours before our sessionand the following day- she and her boyfriend were golfing. I know what I feel and if I distrust her this much, it means I've already shutdown in many aspects.

It's just hard. I miss her so much. The person I would have talked to about this was her and now I don't have that. It was very hard to hear her voice again. There is no point in speaking to her and during our last conversation over the phone- only the second phone call in a year and a half- I could hear how ambivalent she was and brushed me with a cold professionalism that anyone on the outside wouldn't see an issue with, but felt like aloofness to me and how close we were.

I can finally unblock her now from my phone and email, but I'd like to find closure in this. She wished me the best of luck and to take care.

I don't want to re-open a painful can of worms and ask for closure from her- which, despite my avoidant ways, I usually ask out of that rare woman I attach to- and instead, begin to move on.

How do I heal from this?

*excuse typos. On my phone.

This sounds very messy. Could you talk to new T about it ? It's about what you would like - not Ex T. It's sad they can be so damaging that people have to heal from them ( been there ).

Thank you for not being judgemental and being understanding. I really appreciate it and thank you! I just left another T after not feeling it with him and also, some- what I felt were-
strange comments. So I'm in between T's

In one of my last sessions w/ex-female T, I felt manipulated. After I told her that I was tired of being loyal to women who were harsh with me- I finally had the guts to tell her that it included her. She had been harsh with me the session prior. It was a big deal...stepping up to ex-t like that. She backtracked and told me she was harsh with me because she puffed up and wanted to keep me, not lose me, and that she had to discuss "us" in her own personal therapy. I felt guilty and didn't wanna let her down by leaving. Then I felt manipulated. I feel all kinds of things.

And now this.

Wow. I just broke down and looked her her boyfriends instagram page (she has hers blocked) and she just got engaged to him. They've been dating for 4 months.

Now I'm really gonna compare myself to her. I'm divorcing, crying over her, and she has all of her stuff together and is getting engaged.

I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this. I know that it is painful for you especially not feeling like you have any closure. I hope you find a new T soon who will help you process all of this.

And, of course, we're all here for you all along the way.

Thank you, Hope!

Ugh, I'm sorry...

Thanks LT

How do I heal from this?

I have found the most important piece in trying to heal is to take the focus off of the ex-t and focus on myself. Do whatever you can to make this about you, not her. My most helpful thing was whenever I caught myself thinking about my ex-t I would stop and ask myself "what do I need" and "what is my truth?" I swear I asked myself those questions a million times a day for a while there. But it helped. Allowing myself to grieve the loss of ex-t also helped. I hope you find something that works for you soon.

I looked again. Whyyyyyy am I doing this when I know better????

Her boyfriend added another picture and it showed an unknown female hand, holding up her hand to show off the ring. I'm actually JEALOUS of the woman who is holding up yer hand. I think I long for it to me...for me to be close to her.

Why am I not looking at the relationship as a whole? She couldn't meet my needs in therapy, so how on Earth is she going to meet them in another capacity? Why am I in fantasy land over someone who avoided me? I do believe that her relative passed away, however, I think she didn't have to cancel the appointment and unlike what she said about rushing out of town, I KNOW that this isn't true (she didn't even have to explain, though, she just coulda said she needed to cancel).

Why do I have such a desire for connection with someone who cannot offer it to me AND avoided me. I'm literally lying her, looking at the other female hand and envying her. WTF?!

*plz excuse typos/on my phone and VERY emotional

This also helped me after the devastating termination by my first psychiatrist who I had been with for 8 years. I had to focus on my needs. And I also allowed myself to grieve. It is a process and it's painful, but the pain will lessen and it may even surprise you when one day you discover that it doesn't hurt as much and you recognize the healing that has taken place.

I know that you've compared your relationship with your exT to my current, and so reading this makes me hurt for you. I couldn't even imagine how I would react if something like this were to happen to me, knowing how attached I am to him.

I would definitely recommend discussing all of this with your current therapist. You were in a proximity relationship with someone who you believe deceived you and rejected you. If you're hypothesis is right and we are twins, then this probably mimics situations that you've had with other relationships in your life. Use the hurt to really, truly heal.

I'm a PM away if you need someone to vent to.

Thank you so much, Daisy. Yes, your posts do very much resonate with me. I'm sure you know how much pain I am in...it's physically painful.

4 months of dating a dude she vaguely mentioned to me, along with intimating she has her own attachment issues (by suggesting many books to read about love and attachment) and now she's engaged to the dude. I'm happy for her. I do long to be close to her. Very jealous of that hand who gets to be there with her in this moment. Ugh! I'm focusing on someone outside of myself, like she has the key to make me happy.

She doesn't. You know she doesn't. It's through our actual relationships that we find this happiness.

If I were you, I would block the boyfriend's social media. Is seeing this making you happy?

I've given a lot of thought as to whether I'll want to have contact with T when we terminate. I think I've settled on maybe once the initial pain dissipates. But if I were in your shoes, with no closure? Not a chance. It would retraumatize me.

I'm going to block tomorrow. It's her b-day tomorrow. They were blocked from all social media for the past, I'd say, three weeks. It's like I want to feel the pain or something.
I unblocked in a way of acting out after I listened to her message. Totally freaked out.

She's lost a bunch of weight and in optimal shape (like very good shape).
She's very good looking.
She's at the top of her game as far as education.
She's a director at a recovery center.
She has her own home.
She has a kid she loves and seems to be a good mother to.
She just moved into a beautiful new office, along with her business partner.
She's on her way to opening her own recovery center.
She's in love.
She's happy.
She just got engaged.

Like she told me, she's not going to sugarcoat it for me anymore. I'm the one damaging my relationships, not hers...mine. She's got me beat in everything. I didn't even start comparing myself to her until we fell out. I'm unsure where on Earth that came from.

I'm a bit hurt at the, "I think it would be a good idea to continue forward and end therapy." She did go onto say, "And find someone you're comfortable with." But I almost feel rejected. I was very specific. "As of xxx date, therapy sessions have ended, permanently."

In the letter, I mention "the end" a few times. WTH? YOU think it would be a good idea. YOU didn't have a say. God, I'm so upset.

Because her false ego can't handle the rejection from you. So in order to avoid any sort of pain this situation may bring her due to her failures, she takes power over the situation by minimizing and devaluing your ending the relationship. It's a very manipulative and highly effective way to get you to self-doubt and disempower yourself. It's crazy-making.

Thank you for saying this. My best friend said the same. She coulda said, "I respect your decision to terminate..." but nope. She said it in a kind manner and did add I could find someone I am comfortable with...but she thinks it's a good idea?

Geez. That crap hurt. There was no alternative. I didn't leave myself open to continuing. "THE END." Ugh!

I know how "sucky" this is. Remember, you know the truth. She knows the truth. And her deceit is not your burden to carry. Consider making a list of good things you possess that she doesn't. Please put INTEGRITY in big, bold letters first on that list!

Thank you!

I had my ex-hubby listen to the message. He said, "Why is she explaining the situation about her grandmother still? You ended it. Leave it there."

"Btw client, i wanna move forward with ending therapy and ur wrong. My grandma is dead. Wish you the best. Take care. Oh, and I can give you a referral."

I'm just having a bad night. Thank you everyone. I need to vent.

Hey you might want to delete the photos. Someone who does an image search could find the instagram / facebook and this thread of yours.

Your feelings of hurt and grief are all valid. This T wasn't honest with you. She was defensive and not a good T.

She may look like she's got a perfect life but that could be the highlight reel on social media.