[Anastasia~]

So, I am having an internal civil war. I am desperately attached to my T right now and I need to talk to him in a session. This is nothing new. However, I am intensely angry bordering on rage at the same time. I feel split in the middle. I have NO idea how to handle this. T tells me to journal, to watch T.V. I called T and asked for an extra appt. after my session Wed. and he said he had new clients and no sessions available. This was after he took two weeks, one of them he couldn't help. But my emotions don't care about reasons or whatever.

I don't know how to deal with this. I am SO intensely attached to my T, I am So intensely angry at T. I need him to help me through this. I am angry because he can't see me again, I get it intellectually, but NOT emotionally. HOW in the **** am I supposed to deal with all of this attachment feeling and angry vitriole? WTF? We never talked about this. I now have to wait until Wesdnesday to see him. UGH.

I have never been so upended, so ungodly angry. It feels like T doesn't care, while my stupid needy part wants to see him anyway. I hate that part. I hate my anger. I am intensely enraged at my T right now, I feel like the last on the list. I feel like I'm having a brain attack (vs. heart attack) and no one is taking me to the hospital. Nobody ****ing cares.

I have journaled, etc., walked, etc., nothing helps. T is nowhere to be found. I am really hurt by this. I can't help it. I'm not purporting to be rational. He didn't warn me of how intense this is. HOw do I deal with having an angry ego state present and a child state present who both want their needs met, but have different needs. I despise that I am at the mercy of someone else. I despise that I am at the mercy of myself. I haven't chose this.

How in the **** do I deal with these two intense states? I resent having to go this on my own, as irrational as it may be, as I am not a therapist and don't have a clue as to what to do. This is intense and unforgiving. In between the intensities comes the need to cry a river because I just can't deal. How do I reach a shade of gray between the fighting factions.??

I have no hope left. This weekend I am going to take Ativan and sleep the whole time, which enrages me that I have to do this. I ****ing hate life. I don't want to care.

Here are my irrational, unfair issues with T that I can't help but feel:
New clients? Fine, but I pay him on time, ahead of time, and have been there longer. I feel like I've been set aside.

He seems oblivious to when he ends up having to take a session off, oblivious to how it might affect me. like he took a vacation week and then had no choice but to stay a week longer due to the weather. I FEEL liked making a permanent second appointment with him so I don't have to deal with this BS because he sure as hell isn't here to help me. YEs, he allows me to text and I appreciate that. Maybe I'll do that. Who knows? I'm so freakin miserable. blah blah blah

[Lemoncake]

Sending you big hugs. I can see myself in your post and know you're doing the best that you can to cope. You have every right to your anger. If you need to permanently see him twice a week so be it. Get the support you need and you're not alone- we're here too.

What do you feel like your child part is saying?

What are your self soothing methods?

[Anastasia~]

My child part feels like she doesnt matter.
I havent felt this bad in ages. What is wrong with me? I cant take this anymore. I am unfixable and hopeless. I dont wany this pain nor do I want the struggle with someone trying to help me. Ive never been to this low a point before. Im tired of being in pain and and living at someones mercy. I wish the people who caused this grief killed me. It would have been more humane and I wouldnt be going thru this. Nothing matters, tho, including me. I hate me plain and simple. Sorry for the negativity. Thanx for your response.

[NP_Complete]

Do you have something you could break? I was feeling angry and completely unsettled by something in my life last weekend. I found some porcelain thing in my house and went outside and smashed it. It felt really good.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds really painful. If it helps, I've also wished, many times, that the person who caused my pain and grief would have killed me. Everything does feel hopeless. I hope you can get through this. Through is the only way.

[here today]

I get it. The split. The intense, different feelings. Both are valid. But they have different inclinations/motivations.

I agree with NP_complete. "Through" is the only way. But actually making it through? Despite all the support here and with your T when you see him, it's a lonely "through". At least from my experience. Maybe it will help to know that we will still be here when you get to the other side?

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by Anastasia~

My child part feels like she doesnt matter.
I havent felt this bad in ages. What is wrong with me? I cant take this anymore. I am unfixable and hopeless. I dont wany this pain nor do I want the struggle with someone trying to help me. Ive never been to this low a point before. Im tired of being in pain and and living at someones mercy. I wish the people who caused this grief killed me. It would have been more humane and I wouldnt be going thru this. Nothing matters, tho, including me. I hate me plain and simple. Sorry for the negativity. Thanx for your response.

You have value even if you can't see it right now and don't apologize for saying anything- let it all out. Are you safe right now?

Could you get into bed and cuddle up with a soft toy or something like that?

Did you manage to contact your therapist?

[kecanoe]

That sucks. I have been at the point where I had to take meds and go to bed just to survive, filled with self loathing, filled with fury at t, unable to even breathe normally, parts warring with parts, mad because other people get to die and I don't. It's awful. I wish I could help.

Hang in there Anastasia. It's ok to express those parts of yourself. The rejection can be grueling, but you have a good relationship with your T for the most part, so hopefully you can work through it with him.

Wed. must seem so far away, to wait to see your T.

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

Do you have something you could break? I was feeling angry and completely unsettled by something in my life last weekend. I found some porcelain thing in my house and went outside and smashed it. It felt really good.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds really painful. If it helps, I've also wished, many times, that the person who caused my pain and grief would have killed me. Everything does feel hopeless. I hope you can get through this. Through is the only way.

Thanks NP. I have something now that I can break but the rage isn't here still, some anger. But I have a child at home, but when she leaves, I'm going to do exactly what you say thanks

I agree that through is the only, and I will get through this. I'm just tired of being in pain.

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by here today

I get it. The split. The intense, different feelings. Both are valid. But they have different inclinations/motivations.

I agree with NP_complete. "Through" is the only way. But actually making it through? Despite all the support here and with your T when you see him, it's a lonely "through". At least from my experience. Maybe it will help to know that we will still be here when you get to the other side?

Yes, both have different inclinations/motivations. IT is a lonely through, you are right. Yes, it helps knowing that you all are here and were her for me. I appreciate all of you.

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

You have value even if you can't see it right now and don't apologize for saying anything- let it all out. Are you safe right now?

Could you get into bed and cuddle up with a soft toy or something like that?

Did you manage to contact your therapist?

Thank you for saying I have value, I value your input. Yes, I am safe and was safe. I'm not sui.

I'm in bed with my dog now, I was at work so couldn't do much. No, I didn't bother contacting as I've already texted him too much. Plus, being enraged at him makes me not need him as much. My anger doesn't want T to have the power to hurt me as much as he does. MY anger is angry at him for hurting me. My anger is enraged at him and I am hurt and in pain.
And it's all just devastating and really, really sad. It is painful just to be. I will be okay, though. Thank you for your post.

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

That sucks. I have been at the point where I had to take meds and go to bed just to survive, filled with self loathing, filled with fury at t, unable to even breathe normally, parts warring with parts, mad because other people get to die and I don't. It's awful. I wish I could help.

Exactly. I have my Ativan and am going to take it soon and just stay gone. You did help by replying, I appreciate that. I'm trying to get some pot, not sure how others feel about this. But it really helps me with my anger for some reason. And right now I'm all for that.

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

Hang in there Anastasia. It's ok to express those parts of yourself. The rejection can be grueling, but you have a good relationship with your T for the most part, so hopefully you can work through it with him.

Wed. must seem so far away, to wait to see your T.

Yes, I'm still here. It was rejection to me, again I wanted him to go out of his way and say something like, I will see you on Friday (when he usually doesn't). But I get he doesn't want to do that. I just wanted him to care that I was in pain. I wanted him to do something about it. Clearly this is not feasible. Wed. seems like eons ago, and I am angry that I have to carry all of this until that time, the time HE designates. I really want him to really care and I want him to tell me that. I feel invisible to him. He no longer has time to fit me in.

[here today]

Feeling invisible really, really sucks.

[Anastasia~]

Yes, feeling invisible does suck. Being me sucks. Being nobody sucks. I thought your choice of words in your post was accurate, I think my core wound was hit or something major because this feels major.

[Lemoncake]

How are you coping Ana?

[Anastasia~]

Thanks, Lemon, for asking. I have been taking Ativan and doing nothing but sleeping. My brain feels like it had a bomb explode in it and I have no energy. I texted t again and he responded by saying this sounds important and we need to talk it through. He says the perfect things but left out I'll make sure to call if there is a cancellation; or whatever it is. I get the limitations of therapy and that Ts aren't supposed to come to our rescue, but that's what I want him to do whether it's how I"m supposed to feel or not. It is really, really painful. I wish my psychic pain manifested physically so people could really see it and respond to it accordingly. This is something major, but apparently it's no big deal. I hate this. More ATivan.

[Anastasia~]

Trigger WArning:


I don't want to be anymore. I was thinking of driving to where the hurricane is and just standing in the ocean. I just want all of this to end. I am not going to do anything to myself. period. I just feel like ending all of this pain in a way that nobody has to do anything.

[chihirochild]

(((anastasia)))

Originally Posted by Anastasia~

Trigger WArning:

I don't want to be anymore. I was thinking of driving to where the hurricane is and just standing in the ocean. I just want all of this to end. I am not going to do anything to myself. period. I just feel like ending all of this pain in a way that nobody has to do anything.

I had similar feelings, like when driving down the road, i wanted to head into the dangerous flash floods. And when a dr. thought i had a blood clot, i didn't go to the ER like she wanted me to because i thought it would be a good opportunity to just die. (Of course I didn't tell her). My T was a jerk for how he handled everything. He didn't have to handle it like that.

life's to short to be affected what they do.
It gets better after stepping away from it, and you sit back and wonder if what you've been doing is even therapeutic--being in intense pain throughout the week. Your brain is stewing in all those negative emotions and stress, which has to cause disease eventually.

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by Anastasia~

Thanks, Lemon, for asking. I have been taking Ativan and doing nothing but sleeping. My brain feels like it had a bomb explode in it and I have no energy. I texted t again and he responded by saying this sounds important and we need to talk it through. He says the perfect things but left out I'll make sure to call if there is a cancellation; or whatever it is. I get the limitations of therapy and that Ts aren't supposed to come to our rescue, but that's what I want him to do whether it's how I"m supposed to feel or not. It is really, really painful. I wish my psychic pain manifested physically so people could really see it and respond to it accordingly. This is something major, but apparently it's no big deal. I hate this. More ATivan.

There is no real set way to how you should feel. I've honestly wished the same thing previously that our pain didn't have to be invisible. That it could be shown physically like with a blood test or an x-ray.

Do you have any real life support and are you eating? Sometimes I find it easier to just drink calories through chocolate milk or something similar.

You're going to get through this.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by Anastasia~

I wish my psychic pain manifested physically so people could really see it and respond to it accordingly.

I used to wish my husband would hit me so people could see how much pain he caused me. Then I would feel guilty for wishing that. But I think your thought is so valid. Emotional pain is easy for people to overlook. I hope you get some relief from your pain soon.

[Anastasia~]

I am doing okay, but it still is really painful. I am kind of shocked that I have responded so intensely this time as I do think I've gotten better, or I did think that. Not sure where I am right now. Also, different facets of my life have changed in the past few weeks, a stressful change at work, a stressful change at home, and I think I am just completely overwhelmed. I'm trying to take things day by day as there are currently things I can't change but just have to accept, just like I can't change that T's schedule is all full, so I just have to deal with it instead of wishing things would change. I am so overwhelmed by it all, I need something to give. Thanks to all for caring and helping me through this. You all were a constant which I desperately needed.

[here today]

I had unbearable things get activated and it would be unbearable -- well, just like the last one. And I would get through it, process it, and then that one would be integrated, I guess. But then the next one would happen and I would be a wreck and it would be unbearable until it, too was passed.

It sounds like you're dealing with a very basic, deep struggle. And yes your T is your T and you can't change his schedule. AND you are overwhelmed by the anger and attachment/longing. And it just sucks, like a hurricane until it's over. Which it will be whenever it is.

[Calilady]

I completely understand you. Things that I understood rationally caused me deep pain and suffering.