Couch 155: The International Operator

You did more in a day than me in a year lol
You rock!

((((LT))))

omg...I BRIEFLY have had a dishwasher in my life...and that was the summer after I graduated college, when my parents had moved into a MUCH nicer, newer house than I grew up in. Except, it was the worst few months of my life, and part of it was me cooking after my mom had already cooked/cleaned in the kitchen and didn't want me messing it up. EXCEPT the fact that I always cleaned up after myself, and she never put this restraint on my brother...who ALWAYS used the kitchen after she had cleaned up.

(sorry...clearly a problem for me!)

But seriously--I never have used a dishwasher for real in my life..(all of my apartments after college have never had one?) and that is a real adult goal in my life, because i hate washing dishes

I agree. I understand that my friend personally believes in silver linings and "everything happens for a reason" but I wish they(or that particular "co host") wouldn't apply it to everyone.

Has anyone ever felt like emotionally they were in the eye of the hurricane, the calm before the storm for a bit? I've felt only mildly emotional this week, but it feels like I'm just suppressing a bunch of stuff and it's going to come back up at some point. Is this normal? I wonder if I'm suppressing my emotions because my T is on vacation and I know there's not a whole lot of real world support for me right now.

NP, yes.

I think of it like being on a long arduous hike. Sometimes you hit a flat stretch in the trail and you get a chance to catch your breath before you start another steep rocky climb.

It’s 4:30 am and I’m up sobbing. I’m so despondent. It’s not even just the cats. It’s everything. I hate the way I feel. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore.

(((Daisy)))
Please stay safe...

NP, yes. You know because your t is not available your coping strategy has kicked in & you have distanced yourself from any feelings. That’s your way of managing. It’s not wrong & it’s also not surprising either. I’m also wondering if maybe you have something that you know/want to talk about, so a bit like Fuzzy said, it maybe is you just catching your breath.

Congratulations Scarlet. How does it feel being a Mrs?

Woke up extra early. Procrastination plan #1: sleep late. Abject failure.

Sorry that you ended up early Stressed. I hate when I do that on the weekends.

Not trying to rub it in but I ended up sleeping late myself. 7am.

Ah the joys of being a teacher.

Why do I have so much crap? I'm averse to throwing things away but I could have saved myself a ton of work had I gotten rid of a single item at a time! Like even if I ever get this small again, these shorts are not ever coming back in style and I'll be way too old to carry off booty shorts, anyway.

My one bright spot in this dark cloud of cleaning (shudder) is the trip to Goodwill to rehome these clothes. I'm not buying anything I promise!

I'm sorry for spamming couchies!

I am cleaning out as well -I have lived in this house for 30 years and really some stuff just needs to go. It is daunting - basements and attics are my downfall.

I've had walls go up to protect me emotionally before but I can usually tell when I've put one up. I didn't feel it this time. Maybe because I got so triggered last Friday and there was no one, even the suicide hotline lady was not really there, I'm unconsciously protecting myself from feeling anything too strongly. I'm just trying to figure myself out right now. I can feel things brewing beneath the surface and it scares me. I have court dates coming starting next week and I think they are going to bring up a lot of stuff for me.

I hit the jackpot for this concert weekend..... usually I dread it so much, they stick me with this awkward random host family and it's just awful. But this time?

I have a bedroom that has its own private deck overlooking the entire ocean

My host family greeted me last night with beer and klondike bars and a fire on the patio

They were like, please join us for all our meals, we were thinking of having lobster for dinner tomorrow, but maybe you don't like lobster? (me: )

I watched the sun rise on my private deck and then I went for a run on the beach, the husband took me fishing, I caught a big bluefish and we filetted it and grilled it for breakfast

He's an architect and we spent all morning talking about Bauhaus and how he designed a studio for Previn

Just, wow wow wow. It's an incredible break from what's going on at home.

Wow, anais. It really does sound like you hit the jackpot. Enjoy it! You deserve it.

That's awesome and you so deserve it!!

Karma because you got so much done yesterday

That sounds lovely.

I should be getting rid of stuff myself.

Cool anais, enjoy.

There's a serious disconnect with my therapist over the topic of asexuality. She shrugs off my feelings of alienation from pretty much all of society's social/cultural exchanges and says I understand that's how you feel. That kind of response is so invalidating, it always leaves me stuck and hopeless that there is anyone to talk to about this.

She tries to normalize asexuality (and also gender issues) by saying things like, it's very common. Or she'll say most people have fluid sexuality and it's not so cut and dry.

All of this ignores the distress I feel about not fitting in socially because no matter how many times I try to tell her that our society is focused on partnering, she says she knows that's how I feel. And then she says if I need to fit in somewhere, what's wrong with the lesbian label? And I'm like...but that's not me. I have zero attraction to women. Just because my body is female does not make me a lesbian. I can't relate to them anymore than hetero women.

So I've looked online for other therapists and the thought of switching feels traumatic. Also, they all look/sound insipid and make me appreciate my therapist. I just can't go through another search, not when there is more right than not right with the therapist I see. I just don't know how to make her understand.

She knows a lot about sexuals--hetero, homo, bi, pan--but nothing about the distress of being none of those in a primarily sexual world. I looked online and found an ace group a couple cities over--too far to participate in--and they have indicated that very few therapists understand issues of asexuality. My therapist has shown leanings toward a belief that this is caused by childhood abuse in my case, so she views it as asexuality is a place to land for now.

Basically, I just don't feel like she is at all understanding me on this and I just want to scream. Or quit. Or both. But then I would have no support at all.

I guess I'm not looking for advice so much as I want to vent.

For anyone wanting to suggest talking to her about this, I have. Many many times. She sees it as me being upset whenever she has a different view. I just want for someone to understand.

I'm sorry you're not being validated by your therapist, RR. You'd think more therapists would be open to asexuality.

I have to say, being forced to get rid of about 3/4 of my things has had a lot of benefits. Before the fire, I had bought those Mari Kondo books with the goal of cutting down on extra stuff, but it turned out my life took care of that for me. What is left means a lot to me, it's all extremely organized, there's no clutter and I clean much more often and thoroughly because the space is so much easier to clean, so fewer allergies!. I cook more too, and more adventurous recipes, because the truth was I could never use the tiny apartment kitchens properly-- I had too many appliances and dishes taking up working space. Most things I would not bother to replace at this point. Just don't need em.

I still read through the Kondo books. Painfully repetetive and cheesy, but I followed her clothes folding section in Spark Joy verbatim and it completely changed my life.

I’m so sorry that your t is not validating your feelings. By her being like this, she is isolating you further. Although you feel that you are very attached to your t, she is not able to support you as you need to be supported. Is it not worth trying to find another t? This is who you are & you are being true to yourself, you deserve better. Please carry on looking.