Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Aaargh to wait two weeks to unpack what was happening towards the end of that session!

Hi T,

You going on vacation seems to trigger

We’ll have to talk about that... can we do that without you feeling guilty and without you getting to the wrong conclusion?

Hay girl hay

I have worked really hard to move forward in my plight but I am so ****ing confused about what is going on. It is like you are backing away from me. I told you it feels like you are not validating me as much, not doing something because I feel like I can't get any relief. What happened to the connection?

Me: I feel like you are frustrated with me.
You: I understand that.

I know I am both dependent and independent, two ego states. Are you experiencing both sides of me?

I feel responsible for the awkwardness. And the issue at work. If I would just shut the **** up, I would be okay. If I didn't tell you how I reacted, you wouldn't have felt awkward and in turn, I wouldn't feel counterawkward, and in turn, we wouldn't have lost the connection. But it's gone. And I am the one paying for it, no one else. Everybody else gets to walk through the raindrops unaffected by me, I am affected by everything it seems. I ****ing despise it. A part of me wants to build a fortress around myself with no drawbridge, it wants to be alone. A part of me feels like it needs others and it wants you to go back to who you were. But who am I to want that? I am of no consequence.

I get that it seems that both parts of me are oozing at the seams.

Dear T,
Thanks for the warm handshake and holiday wishes at the end of session today. This sounds so silly, but it was nice that you stood up for it this time. It feels like I've known you for much longer than a little over 3 months. I think you're a good T for me. You both accept and challenge me. And that's what I need right now. I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday.
See you next week (glad you're seeing clients Wed.-Fri.!),
--LT

I hope you like your Christmas presents.

I don't know if i can have a holiday this year as i'm feeling too sick too travel. I hate my life and want to die.

i can not wait to see you fri but i am sad your private office has to close soon

H was annoying as hell tonight. I will be talking and he will start talking to the dog seriously right over me (while the dog is on my lap). It is ****ing unbelievably maddening as it is done purposefully. When I give him the stare, he smiles. Then when I can't get rid of my fallen affect, it offends him and he tells me, "Well, I said sorry." I said, "Sorry, but I can't change my affect on cue." Then he turns the T.V. to something he KNOWS I hate. I ****ing hate passive aggressiveness. I ****ing feel like being blatantly aggressive. But that's not my style.

This all started a short amount of time after I asked him if he wanted to watch T.V., the news, with me. He said, "I will," so I sat in the den with him thinking he wanted to spend time with me. Apparently he wanted to watch something else alone.

TRUST NO ONE

P.S.
I feel preoccupied with you currently because you are acting different. You keep telling me you haven't changed. I feel like you don't even have positive regard for me. This is an intense feeling and I usually trust myself in this regard. How do I know if I can trust myself or not? This is the last thing I need right now. I have the need to contact you so I can stop being so preoccupied with you. I'm never going to feel independent. You are basically kicking me out emotionally. I don't trust myself and I can't trust you or anybody else. It is my belief that you are unaware of your own negativity towards me so at least consider it as a possibility. Because you feel different. Maybe I am unaware of my own negativity. Can you see that this is driving me stark raving mad?

I am not a person. I am full of abandonment fears, angry, and I don't make a positive difference in anybody's life. I am a drain on you and society. You told me to not think about it too much, yeah right. I need to somehow stabilize and see no hope for doing this. Am I just a waste of your time? I hate myself. So you don't have to. I need to eradicate this pain. I feel like a big zero.

You can be so frustrating sometimes, but I'm glad you told me not to leave.

Dear T,
Well, you showed up in my dream for the first time last night. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing... Or if I'll tell you about it. It was both strange and rather amusing.
--LT

Heyyyyyyy...... I love you
..

Did you always know that ET would come along? Did you suspect it would? Are you prepared for it? I need to ask you all this.

So grateful that you acknowledged my email today, and put my mind at rest...but you are in tune with my needs, so I don't know why I expected anything else.

The hug...thank you.

Hi T,

I feel so hurt... I've been crying since I left our session today...
I want to tell you... but I won't because I'll just chicken out. I want to see you before you're gone for the holidays... I want to tell you that you f...ed up, that you're an idiot, that I hate you, that I don't want to see you again in 2018, that you have no clue...

You were trying to be nice and supportive today... but all I heard was... "You're doing this all wrong, this is all your fault, I need you to change right now, it's so easy, why don't you just do it... Your exams are more important than everything else... "... Also you realized that you pushed too hard on tuesday... so when you ask me about it and I say it's ok... Have you considert that it might not be the truth... why would you just change topic... because you did push too hard and yeah... I've felt bad for the past 2 days because of you...

We've been on a journey right here on these boards. But u know what? You love me I know you do. And I love you too

Safest place I know
Tenderness itself, and peace
Shelter from the storm

Love you, miss you already, etc. It feels okay though. I'll see you next week.

That was the second time you've referenced Monty Python, by the way.

See you tomorrow!!! Might be our last chance to walk for a while, stupid winter cold

Another week with me not emailing between our appointments!
Didn't even take effort. Again!
This is a weird feeling.

that is very good though, yay you

Dear T,
I lied. you knew i would, and i did, and then were kind and supportive afterward, without calling me out. Why? Do i need to address this in the next session? It is so long from now because you are taking Tuesday off. I feel funky, bad, embarrassed, ashamed, and I don't like it, don't want to. I really hate the disclosure part. Geez. Don't fire me.
Need you,
Searching

t,

i am so sad. i feel like i can’t breathe. i hate this time of year. i know you would want me to reach out to you, but i can’t make myself do it. will things ever get better?

me

tomorrow might be one of the longer hugs we have, i just don't wanna let you go for the holidays... sigh...

T

13 days and 6h...

I miss you so much it hurts. I wish I had told you before this break how much you mean to me and how scared I was of being alone, but I didn't want you to worry or think I was weak. I'm scared to let you know how much I depend on you. I wish I could answer when you ask me if there's anything I need from you, but I can't even meet you eyes. I don't know how to make it through the next two weeks.