In Session Today: Part IV

LT

sounds good.... i'm so glad 2x is working out for you, its interesting he said it's insurance. its possible but my T always has other reasons.

seems like he's doing really good for you lately, so I'm happy to hear that. thanks for sharing it

Thanks, DP--Glad you had a good birthday session!

Our last session was very intense. We talked about our thread on the forum and a part that holds shame was there, tearful and sad. We switched quite a bit. One whom we haven't been coconscious with before came forward and we felt her strong need for denial and protection of the abusers. We don't really know why yet. We talked about how we are making progress towards our goals, so slowly, but surely. At one point we felt compassion for ourselves, knowing we were doing the best we can. We felt how hard everything is. Everything. There is so much hard, all of the time. Everything is so damned hard.
At the end T sat leaning forward with tears in her eyes. We said "Don't be sad." She gave a half smile. We said "Don't be sad!" She just looked at us sadly with tears that didn't fall. A part stepped forward and sang to her "If you worry your face will frown and that will bring everybody down, don't worry - be happy." We laughed then said goodbye.

I don't want to talk about everything that happened. Just a couple of moments. We were talking about something and I was really trying hard to stay present. He noticed and said I was doing a really good job. How I was sitting in an uncomfortable moment really well. That that's been a struggle for me. I said that he had a very poor impression of who I am when I'm unwell (reflecting on VDay2018), and how my mental illness is a part of who I am, but not all of me. He agreed.

I almost cried today. I'll get there again (I hope).

We also talked about authenticity and the therapeutic relationship. He was talking about how part of our work is slowly building trust, relationship building, etc. I said something about how therapy is a false construct. How we aren't friends. He said, "okay true."

I took it a step further and said it's not even imperative that you like me. He said he disagreed. So I said "okay, are you saying that you actually like me?" Then he listed off the typical things people say about me when they say nice things: I'm intelligent, articulate, hard working, and that he admires my integrity in working with my students.

He continued that he said those things because eventually there was going to be conflict in the relationship, and the positive interactions in these moments would help to outweigh the bad. I said "there's already been conflict in our relationship." He said sure. I said "so you're sitting here knowing what happened that night and you want to tell me the only thoughts you've had about me are positive?" He wasn't sure how to respond. I continued that thinking something like, oh she's so stubborn, why won't she just call her husband, etc, is a negative thought about me.

He admitted, after a pause, that he had some thoughts that were like that, but that was on him not me. I said sure, that's your stuff, but it's a reflection of how you feel about me. He finally sighed and agreed. I really appreciated the fact that he was willing to be authentic in his feelings. That he was willing to be authentic versus just talking about the importance of authenticity in the relationship.

Daisy

Sounds tough, I know a lot of the feelings you have about the set up of therapy and the whole liking you thing etc, it goes through my head a lot. I find myself often thinking, is this what he REALLY thinks or what he was trained to say in this situation? It's tough for sure. I hope things get better with you and your T. Hugs to you

I’m curious how people are affected or not by the photos that some therapist have or family in their office. Would anyone expect them to turn it down if you are bothered? It does not bother me, but I do want demographics and I would have no problem asking them to turn it over in my sessions if it was a problem for me.

The only photos that are not general art that my T has on display in his office are of my dogs, so no objection there LOL

However if he had people, I'd probably not say anything but just keep from looking at the photos, it would make me sad

T has a photo of his son on his desk (he told me it was his son). It doesn't really bother me, though I do sometimes find myself looking at it when I'm paying him (since we're standing at his desk).

I agree with a lot of what you say and wish I was brave/confident enough to say it-another opinion such as the "echo chamber" effect sometimes seen on PC is not offensive and being taken as such rather proves your point
I am regularly troubled by overwhelming support given to very specific and narrow expectations of another human being(t)-support those in pain by all means but crying "woe is me so woe should be everybody"has the potential to add more concerns to those previously unconcerned

LT, I really liked your T's definition of assertive. It is super-useful. Thank you for sharing it.

I'm not bothered by pictures of his family. If I did have problems with them I'd have a hard time telling him and I'd never ask him to turn them around. He has a poster on his wall that I hate though...it says "it is well with my soul." It really isn't well with my soul or I wouldn't be in his office. I guess maybe it's well with his soul.

I met with t on wednesday. I showed him my parts journal. He sat and read it. After he read the child part he said "mm.." he read the adult part and said this is great! He said I'm sorry it's been so painful and made a sad face. He was referring to the child parts pain over the boundary changes. He said I do a good job with the adult part explaining logical things to the emotional child part and he suggested I work on the adult part reassuring and comforting the child part. I said like "i understand why you feel that way?" He said yes

He said he got my email about the man online. [Side note: on Tuesday night I sent t an email about a man I have been talking to online for 2 years. I told t that our relationship has progressed into romance and that we I told t these things are the most sexual things I've done in 8 years, and that I've been wondering if it's bad and unhealthy [the fantasy stuff], and if I am just reenacting traumas I've endured. I also admitted I know it's weird and I hope he won't judge me. I said I feel like this is big and wanted to share it with him, but am also scared to]

So anyway t said he read my email. T said a lot of things about it. He started by saying he wants to caution me about the online thing, but that he thinks this is a very good sign of how strong I've gotten. He said sex and sexuality has freaked me out so much before. He said that he thinks the fantasies are probably more common than I think, even with women who were not abused. He said we'd have to talk more to tease out where it stems from. He said he thinks it's ok and that he wanted to reassure me of that. T said "I'm so excited!!". He kept saying he thinks it's a very good sign!!!

I was so relieved he responded so well and made it comfortable to discuss with him. I didn't feel weird or ashamed at all.

We hugged at the end, during the hug t made the mm sound and said I'm proud of you

I texted t later that day and said thank you for the healing and meaningful session and for making it so comfortable, and that I am excited about my progress. He sent back "yay!"

Junk, that's so great! I'm happy for you! I relate to the sex stuff and it freaking you out. I can't even talk to anyone online in that way though, so you are doing great! Glad your T still hugs you too.

Blondie was dense per usual (among other things, wondered if the depression I was going on and on about was Spring related -- am sure it's entirely coz I mentioned suspecting I might have cyclothymia a couple of sessions ago).

However, she sat on the floor with me. And, complained about how hard it was (as usual) although I didn't ask her to sit down (and in fact, feel rather bad when she does). In future, she said she'll make herself comfortable on the floor with pillows and blankets.

I said 'Great' and offered to make her chai as well -- apparently, she loves the stuff.

[TW: self harm]

I usually meet with him weekly on Fridays, but a lot of stuff happened at one and I wasn't handling it well and I called his office and they said he had an opening today so I was able to get in.
Today was the most intense session we've had. We covered several different topics that I really struggle with facing. I also finally told him about my concern that once I fully opened up he'd realize I was too much for him to handle or agree that I really am all the terrible things I think I am. We talked it through and he took that responsibility seriously.
I then let him read my reasoning that I'd written out when I was deciding to cut myself and we talked about it. For like 15 minutes not only could I not look at him, I actually turned in the chair and hid my face and had tears running down my face the entire time. But even after reading and talking about some of the things I'm so deeply ashamed of he still didn't agree that I was pathetic or disgusting or that I deserved it.

I majorly feel like an idiot. I kind of read some nonverbal things as meaning T was upset/mad (or something along those lines)/ with me. I told him it was like he was rejecting me, but really, I'm not sure if that is accurate. All I know for sure is that whatever it was made me feel horrible and unsafe. So I was almost in tears because it really upset me. I finally told T although it was humiliating. T and I talked about it. I told him this isn't an intellectual thing, it is completely emotional. It's like it hits me and I can't think my way out of it rationally. It's like I read something into things and more than likely will ascribe a negative meaning to whatever it is.

So, this is how my mind works. T told me last week he was going to go on a month long vacation in about a half a year. And I feel okay about it, it is a long time away so I have tabled it for later. So, did I have a negative reaction to T because of this? Because I don't think that was the reason. I have had this reaction to him regarding the waiting room before and he wasn't going on vacation. However, I don't really know what it was that caused that reaction.

I feel so stupid about this. It doesn't make sense and I feel bad because I don't want to make him feel hyperconscious when he goes into the waiting room.

I know that I sometimes become hyperconscious and I hate it.

I have no idea what all of this was. If anyone has any idea or have had this happen, please let me know. Because this is just discombobulating.

The good thing is that I am not worried at all now that he is angry, etc. I think I really trust him.

T yesterday. He retrieved me, then said, "Wait, I have to grab my coffee." He came into his office with it and said, "You wouldn't recognize me without my coffee!" I said, "True!" He said, "Like I wouldn't recognize you without your fizzy water! If you didn't have that, I'd think maybe you were actually a robot." I said I should get some iced tea at the nearby coffeeshop next time. He said, "No, don't do that!" I said, "Then you'd think I was an LT clone!" We both laughed.

I said how he's always so prompt to get me (I was a couple minutes late this time and texted him to let him know, which he appreciated). He said if he's a couple minutes late, sometimes his client will text to confirm they do have an appointment that day. I said how with MC, I only started to wonder once it had been 15 minutes (he was often quite late). He said that sometimes, he ends up keeping a client for a little extra time, if it seems they need it, like if they were really upset at the very end of session.
I said I guessed we should continue alcohol conversation from two sessions ago and pulled out my list of "reasons to cut back/stop," "things I'd give up by cutting back/stopping," and "goals." Gave him a copy and had one for myself. Right away he said I had too many goals, and I said my thought was that I could work on them gradually, like one week at a time.

We started going through reasons I should stop/cut back. First two were health and my daughter. Then I listed various other ones. He asked if I'd gotten emotional while writing them, or if it had been more clinical. I said more clinical. He said that often people need some sort of emotional reason to quit. He asked if there was a particular thing on list that spoke to me, and I said my D. He said maybe I should look up stories of mothers who had, say, hurt their daughter in an accident while driving drunk, something like that, to emotionally connect. I said from what I'd learned in grad school (public health), those sorts of scare tactics don't generally work, like the anti-smoking ads showing people who'd had jaw cancer.

T said in his experience, it can work. He mentioned a client with a drinking problem who was late picking up his son from daycare because he was drinking at a bar. As he was pulling up, he saw his son there sobbing in the teacher's arms because he was late. And he never wanted to make his son feel that way again, so he stopped drinking.

He also shared a story of a client who was a smoker who wanted to save money to take a bus trip to see her grandkids. She figured out how much each cigarette cost, got rolls of coins from the bank, then put money in a jar for what she didn't smoke and saved up enough to visit them. So she was motivated by visiting family.

We talked some about things I'd be giving up by stopping/reducing drinking. A big one is something to help me with anxiety, including panic attacks and social anxiety. I said specifically how it helped with anxiety with eating out. He asked me about that more. I said how back when I started seeing ex-T over 6 years ago, I was extremely anxious about eating out, how I'd pretty much have a panic attack anytime I ate out. T asked how often I had them now in that situation. I said maybe once a month?

He asked what made me anxious. I said partly OCD contamination fears about food, but also that people were watching me, and if I started getting panicky, they'd wonder what was wrong with me. He asked if I meant general people in restaurant or just people at my table. I said both, but mostly people at my table. He asked how obvious I thought it was, and I mentioned some outward symptoms, like coughing, scratching my neck/throat. He said how most people probably wouldn't think anything was odd. I said true, as I often try to pass it off as allergies. But that in trying to hide it and cover it up, it can make it worse. I said how at a recent retreat for an organization that I serve on the board for, I basically had an hourlong panic attack. T was like, "Wow." I said how high my heart rate had gotten just from sitting (like 130, per my Fitbit). How I'd just met some of the new members that day and kept thinking they were probably wondering what was wrong with me (since I ran off to bathroom once or twice and barely ate anything).

Talked about how H can tell if I'm starting to panic, and would often seem to be getting annoyed, so then I'd try to conceal it, which again, made it worse. How I know I'm supposed to "ride the wave of the panic," which ex-T told me--a CBT thing--but how that doesn't work so well for me. T said that H is probably much more attuned to my signals, and I said yes. How I'll often be like, "I'm just coughing from a throat tickle, I'm not panicking."

I was crying during part of this--I guess I'd never really talked to this T about the extent of some of my panic/anxiety issues. He said, "I really feel for you in terms of how the anxiety will make it harder to stop drinking." It meant a lot that he said that because he seemed to really get it then. Like what I'm struggling with and part of why I drink.

It was near end of session, but we talked a bit more about things I'd be giving up by stopping drinking. This one probably seems a bit silly compared to some of the others, but I was saying how I felt really welcome at taprooms and bar/restaurants where we're regulars and shared some recent experiences, with servers/bartenders seemingly genuinely happy to see me/us, chatting with us, etc. T: "I would think a crackhouse could be really welcoming, too." Me: "..........Hm, good point."

I said how we were already scheduled for Friday and Monday. Went over and paid. He stood up this time to shake my hand and said, "Until we meet again." I replied, "Until then." He said he was going to follow me out to get next client (he doesn't usually). I opened waiting room door, and he said what I was expecting to be "thanks," so I said, "Sure," then realized he'd said "Take care," and was like, "Uh, you too."

i am not sure how i feel about the crackhouse comment. but i also have a particular sensitivity to addiction related discussions (esp alcohol), as it is something my T and I have disagreed on.

Really? A crackhouse? A few beers hardly compares to crack.

(((LT))) A comment about the panic attack - my heartrate went that high while i was at a Chinese restaurant, and i called an ambulance to take me to the ER! It would not slow down so i could drive. They determined that my sodium level had gotten too high because my diuretic for blood pressure had taken out too much potassium and then of course the chinese food, so they ended up adding beta blockers to control my high blood pressure.

I would let your gp know about these fitbit readings. You are waaaaaay tougher than i am, i am a big baby about my heart rate getting out of control. An hour seems like a long time.

I heard it somewhere that you don't just get to numb the emotions you choose. So if you drink to numb certain things it will numb more and your DD may not get everything you can actually offer her. Maybe that statement helps I'm not sure. My family were addicts so I find it hard to always be impartial. Good luck!!

My session with t was good. We walked and caught up on typical things like work and symptoms. When we got back we talked about guilt and shame over sex. I wanted to tell t something about csa but I couldn't get the words out. T suggested writing it out. I felt intense shame and shut down. T said this is the child part now. I said I just wanna go in my hole now! T said that's how I survived. But I don't have to do that anymore. That its over now. The session was over. T got up but I stayed sitting. I was overwhelmed. I asked t can I stay in here a minute. He said yes of course.. He patted my back

After I left I emailed t with the words I wanted to say but couldnt. A few hours lAter t e-mAiled me back, a long email. It was supportive and nice and reassuring

Yeah, I know it looks really bad typed out. His delivery of it was different though...it didn't so much at the time feel like he was saying my drinking beer was as bad as smoking crack...more like anyplace where you're a regular can feel welcoming. It would have been better if he'd used the example of a coffeeshop (especially since he has a bit of a coffee addiction--see the first part of my session writeup). Then again, maybe he was trying to make the point with the crackhouse that anyplace where you consume an addictive substance can seem welcoming...

I might have to ask him about that comparison tomorrow, what exactly he meant by it. In a way, it makes me think of an ex who was abusing prescription pain pills (like, getting them illegally). At the time, I smoked (stopped over 10 years ago), and he would be super critical of my smoking, acting like it was worse than his using the pain pills. I was like, "Well, I couldn't go to jail for smoking, so..." As in, yes, it was incredibly unhealthy but also...legal. Plus he kept lying to me about the pills.

Thanks. That's an interesting point. This isn't the same, but: One thing that T said in session that I forgot to include is that by drinking to avoid anxiety, then I'm not learning the skills to get through the anxiety. So then I feel I *have* to turn to alcohol in those situations. So one thing we're going to work on is ways for me to deal with that anxiety on my own. Ex-T did some of that, and it worked a bit, but...clearly not enough. Some of it was CBT stuff, and it didn't really work for me at the time (6 years ago), but maybe I can try some of that sort of thing again with current T (he's also trained in that, along with other stuff). Or maybe he'll have ideas for other approaches. (We really haven't addressed anxiety/panic that much yet, since there were other things I was dealing with.)

Junk---Sounds like another great session for you,you have a great T. Congrats on all the process you've made, it's wonderful to read about