In Session Today: Part IV

I asked if he had any thoughts on the last session. He said the thing that felt unfinished was whether there was anything that might help when he's away. I asked if he had any thoughts about that.
He said it depends on what the most difficult thing is. If anxiety is that I don't know whether he still exists, he could "take steps to assure me" he still exists (ie contact me periodically). If it is that I will miss him he's not sure what he can do. I said "i have a list". He said "oh!".
I got my list out and I said that him contacting me while he's away isn't on my list because it feels intrusive to me and I want him to have a break. I said I appreciate the offer though.
I said there are things I can do and things he can do. I told him the things I can do easily. He had forgotten he had as many as 3 hour long videos online.
I said the things he can do list is more difficult to tell him. I asked him whethet he would be able to do a session between my holiday and his, and he said possibly on the Saturday morning but he would have to check. I said that was fine. If he can, that would cut the break down by 10 days.
I was quiet for a moment and then I said "I would like a transitional object". He asked me if I had anything I mind (I was not expecting that question!). I laughed and said yes but that's harder to tell him.
He said he felt sad that it was hard for me to ask him for things. He asked what was scary. I said that he'll say no and it will hurt. I said I feel like an imposition and I feel unwanted. He said he gets the imposition fear, but why unwanted? I said because if I am an imposition that means you don't want me there, that you are doing it because you feel you have to.
We talked some more about the transitional object. He said "is it the worst thing you could ask for?" I said "no! I could ask for your glasses" he laughed and said yeah that would probably be difficult. I said I could probably think of worse than that too.
I said let's park that for a minute and I'll ask my other one. I asked him if he'd be able to write me a letter with a few reflections on our work, the relationship, progress etc. He thought for a long time and said he thinks he can do that. I said "I feel like you don't want to?" He said he is thinking about how delicate it is, and how carefully he would have to think about what he writes but that's not the same as not wanting to.
I asked what he's worried about. He said that I would take it away and read it, and something might hurt me and I wouldn't be able to talk to him about it. He said the solution to that might be to give me it a couple of weeks earlier and give me the option of reading it earlier if I want to, so we can talk about its content before he goes away if I want to. I said that makes sense.
He said when I first said it he thought "can I do that?" And until he has a go at writing it he will have some anxiety about whether he can. But, he said "that's my tangle. And this is a useful opportunity for me to untangle that, so it's good".
I spoke again about not begrudging him the break as I recognised his need for self care and appreciate how that makes him the therapist he is. He said on that subject, he wants to let me know, in case i hear it on the grapevine, that he's winding down the teaching/keynote speaking part of his practice. He said he was concerned that if I heard that elsewhere i might think that it was a precursor to retirement, but actually he just wants to concentrate on his clients. (and I guess cut down on travelling). I thanked him for telling me. I said I notice my response to that was a little bit of sadness, mourning the fact I will never be his student or supervisee. But I wouldn't want to change the relationship we have either. I said "I think we would have been a good supervisor/supervisee team". He said he thinks he would have enjoyed supervising me too.
There was about 10 minutes left. I said "that just leaves one thing" (referring to the fact I still hadn't told him what transitional object I wanted). In the end I just pointed at it with my foot. (It's a little toy he often plays with as I'm talking to him). He said "Oh, that is fine!". He said "I'll play with this one instead" (referring to another fiddle toy I bought him a couple of years ago and that he happened to be playing with). That was a relief and very sweet of him. I thanked him for being so open to helping me. I said I was still undecided about whether i would email him during the break. He said he might not always be able to read or respond. I said if i did, I would email without any expectation of reading or response. He said he would try to read and respond on holiday but if not he would do so when he gets back. I honestly wouldn't expect one. I definitely want him to enjoy his holiday and not worry about me.
I said how I had been upset in session last week but immediately set about coming up with the list after the session. He said it was a measure of how far I had come that I could switch into that mode. I said yes, and also that I could allow myself to be upset and vulnerable in the session. He said definitely.
We stood up, hugged and chatted as we went to the door. It was a good session.

I saw my CBT therapist today and I course knew there was the possibility of him leaving but I still wasn’t sure today at the end of the session he said we can meet up next week for one ( possibly) final session. My CBT said he’s still waiting to hear if he got the job so hence why he might be leaving and he apologizes a million times saying I know I hate putting you in this position where I say I am not sure if I am staying or not ( I totally understood) and he assured me no matter what he would find me another CBT. I just feel sad knowing next week might be his last day I really really like him. Oddly enough I see my regular therapist that week and then my CBT I haven’t seen my regular therapist in over a month it’ll be interesting to see how that goes..

I feel... cautiously optimistic?

When I showed up for the session I felt sad and angry and rejected. And then with the whole "I think you should work with someone else --> actually I can't find anyone else so wanna keep working with me?" thing, I felt... not suspicious, exactly, but doubtful. Unsure if she really meant what she said, if she truly wanted to keep me on or would rather just be rid of me. (Throughout this endeavour she has repeatedly said, "I'd be delighted to keep working with you, but I'm worried I'm not the best person to do so." Even though she swears up and down that this is how she actually feels about the situation, I am not sure whether or not I believe her... it would be the Therapeutically Correct thing for her to say regardless of her feelings... and while I believe that she tries to avoid outright lying ) though I doubt that she would lie outright ) Also unsure about whether or not it'll be possible to overcome this crack in the foundation of things.

Part of me also wanted to say, "I'm sorry, what? First you tell me you don't think you're the right person to treat me so I ought to go elsewhere, and now you tell me you can't find anyone else for me so I ought to stay on? What are you, an insecure high schooler who couldn't quite bear to break up with her GF? F*** your pity and f*** you." But I didn't. I didn't hide the fact that I felt angry but I also didn't actually get angry at her in the moment.

I don't like sharing details of my sessions here.... but I will say I once again had a good session. We walked, which it was finally decent out, yay. We talked about some of the stuff on my notes as usual too.

One thing I realized is, as much as I get emotional over certain things, I can't do it in session and it's not a trust issue... but it's like the minute I see him, I'm calm and happy. All those "emotions" fade and I can't channel them again in session. It's frustrating at times... because I leave, still feeling the same stuff and only willing to really tell one person but yet, I tell him with little to no emotion so I seem ok. Does anyone here have any tips on how to fix this?

I have the same problem. In between sessions I often feel all sorts of emotions for my T. Longing, annoyance, anger etc about various things that have been said or done.... In the session, though those feelings seem to dissipate or if I do bring them up they don't have the same intensity behind them so don't seem as big a deal. I find journalling somewhat helpful and then I just try to reinforce how intense they were at the time but that because I am there with him now they are not as bad. He is quite understanding but I don't know if he fully appreciates what I mean. It is very frustrating

He said I was "very attractive."

It wasn't in a weird way. He said it matter-of-factly while listing off the things I had going for me in life, like he said I was smart, I was very attractive, I was in [my PhD program] which is a really good program that's really hard to get into, I had to achieve a lot of things to get where I am, ...
I made a face (like disbelief/skepticism) when he said "very attractive" but didn't comment on it.
I don't have ET or anything. I don't want him to be sexually attracted to me and I don't think he is.
I'm just focused on the fact that he said it like it was a statement of fact. He didn't even just say "attractive," he said "very attractive."
I definitely don't think of myself as attractive, let alone very attractive. I mean, I'm not hideous, but I'm maybe like a 6? And he's only ever seen me after a day in lab, without makeup, wearing baggy shirts and jeans, and with crazy frizzy hair.

On a completely separate note, we talked about how I can't feel anything like empathy or compassion for myself. Like hurting myself doesn't register emotionally as a bad thing the way it would if it was happening to someone else. I don't feel like I matter. Cruelty doesn't "count" when it's towards myself.
He said it makes him sad that I cut myself.
It may sound insignificant, but that was the first time he's said anything about emotions towards me. Up until now it's only ever been about my feelings towards myself. Up until this point I'd resisted the urge to ask him directly about his opinions or feelings about me.
Then we had this convo:
Me: Do you think I deserve it [cutting myself]?
Him: No.
Me: Do you think I'm a good person?
Him: Yes.
Me: Would you tell me if you didn't think I was a good person?
Him: Yes.
Me: Do you think everyone is a good person?
Him: No. There are a lot of white collar business people out there who are psychopaths and sociopaths.

I acknowledged that I definitely feel empathy and compassion for others, and he said he wished I could care about myself in the same way that I care about others.

T today. Sat down, Me: "You're all dressed up today. Don't think I've seen you in a tie before." T: "Well, the shirt just didn't look right by itself." Me: "Ah." T: "Thanks for being willing to come earlier today." Me: "But I was the one who asked you to change the time?" T: "I thought I asked if you could switch to 10:30 or 3?" Me: "...I had learned a few days ago about a meeting I should attend, so I asked you to switch to 10:30?" T: "Well, thanks!" Me: "Thanks to you, too. Guess this worked out."

Said I had some positive stuff to share. How I'd gone to QiGong (an exercise sort of like Tai Chi, maybe a bit like yoga), and described it a bit to him. He seemed intrigued and explained that it sounds like part "static" exercise mixed with movement. I said I felt like it had somehow led to positive developments in drinking and exercise the past few days and shared details. He seemed encouraged, said maybe was positive momentum.

He asked some more about the drinking, including asking whether I now considered myself an alcoholic. I said in some ways I did, but...some would consider an alcoholic someone who is drunk all the time, when I'm not like that. He described several different sorts of people who could be considered alcoholics, including someone who doesn't drink much all year, but then goes on a couple benders. And then the person who might have a drink in the morning, one at noon, one in afternoon, one in evening, just to the point of being "tipsy." I said I was kind of like that except for the "tipsy" part. How I feel like that implies a bit drunk, and I'm just more a bit leveled out, that it would take more than one drink for me to be what I'd called "tipsy." He agreed, saying he's not sure why he used that term.

Talked about D briefly, her sleep habits, high energy levels, etc. (I forget why she came up). He then said he wasn't sure if he'd asked this before, but were we just having the one? I said yes. He asked why, gave brief explanation of how we really only ever wanted one. I said I assumed he just had the one kid, since there's only one photo on his desk. T: "We don't talk about the other one." I laughed." He said yes, just the one. (Wanted to ask why just one for him, but didn't.)

It had been about a half hour. I said I had something I kinda wanted to talk about, but didn't know. T: Go ahead, we have 20 minutes. Me: .........It partly came up because of a comment you made about H last week, er, last session, regarding him being jealous. T asked if I meant of MC? I said kind of, and him. He reiterated part of what he'd said last session, about sometimes people wanting their partner to be jealous. But it wasn't what I was going for.

I said it also tied into the conversation we'd had maybe a month ago about testing. T looked confused. He said he didn't recall exactly what he'd said. I said I wouldn't expect him to, that I had partly initiated that conversation about testing because I had considered telling him something, but didn't know if it was testing him. T: Now I'm really confused. Me: Yeah, I know, I'm not really making sense. Just trying to work myself around to something. T: Remind me what I said that you're thinking of? Me: You mentioned how if someone keeps testing, eventually they'll hit the point where they'll get rejected, or something like that. T: Oh, I wasn't referring to myself there, just in general. Like, if a partner was like, "Will you still love me if I do this? What about this? How about this?" Then they'll likely hit the breaking point at some point and then would be like, "See you abandoned me, just like I said you would." I said that made sense. But still worried about telling him something.

I sort of rambled about stuff involving whether I wanted to share or not. T sat back in his seat and said, "I'll wait till you figure out what you're going to say..." I said, joking, "Maybe you should go get some more coffee and come back or something." I said I was just worried how he'd react to something involving him.

I said how in the past, he'd said Googling was OK. He said yes, to a point. I asked at what point it wouldn't be OK to him. He said if it's just the first page of Google results, that's fine. It's more if someone went way beyond that, was, say, tracking down his relatives' Facebook pages, trying to find photos of him on there. I said I hadn't done that. And that I wouldn't, had learned that lesson with MC (I had just found MC's wife's page).

I asked what about videos, say, if I'd found a video of him doing something online and watched part of it. He asked if was playing [the sport he plays]. I said yes. He said he thought his brother had uploaded a couple to YouTube. I said yes, I'd watched a couple minutes of one of them. He said that was fine. I said OK.

Then I said there was something else. He said if I wanted to wait till next session to share, was OK. I said no, just had to get it out, but was worried because not much time left to discuss. He said I could always send an e-mail after session if still bothering me, that I knew our agreement about e-mails. I thanked him. I started crying and said I was just scared because of what had happened with MC, that I'd screw something up with T. T said that was very understandable that I'd have those fears.

I said it had been maybe a month or two ago. How T had replied to an e-mail and implied he was traveling. And I'd checked something online and figured out he was at an event. I asked if that bothered him, and he said, "Maybe a little." I said I was sorry. He said was OK.

I said then I saw how something he was doing would be live streaming. And, well...I ended up watching a bit of it. I glanced at him nervously through tears, waiting for his reaction. He said, "That's OK. I'd rather you not do it again though." I said I wouldn't, and I was sorry. He said, "It's OK. I'm not upset with you." I said I was glad. That I was just going to not say anything to him, but he'd made a comment last session regarding H, where he was saying how waiting longer to share something (in this case, e-mail to MC) with him could make it more awkward. I said it struck me how that could apply to the thing with T, too. T said he was glad I'd told him. How otherwise it would have been a secret between us and it could have ended up blocking things in therapy.

I said, crying, "I was just scared that I'd tell you, and you'd say I had to leave." T said, "Wow, you really worry about people kicking you to the curb, don't you?" Me: "Yeah." T: "It's OK, Again, I'm not upset. I hope we know each other well enough that you know I'd be honest with you about how I felt." I said we did. He added that really, now that he's thinking about it, what I saw is part of his public life (rather than private life) anyway.

Scheduled for next Friday (already on for next Tuesday). Went over to his desk to pay. Shook hands, as he said, "Good luck today." I said thanks, and "Are you sure you're OK with everything?" T smiled, looked in my eyes, and said, "All is well." I said "OK, thanks. I'll do my best to remember those words." Then headed out.

I rarely look at my T in the eye. Today, he very gently told me that he needed me to look at him while he tells me this next part

T: Emerald, I believe every single thing you said.
E: *bursts out crying for the first time in session ever*

I was completely wiped when I got home

Came in yesterday "late," because showing up to anything on time really bothers me. We talked about how yesterday was incredibly stressful and taxing at work. How thoughtlessness almost made me late. How all of the day's events were just adding to the uneasy feeling I had. I did not want to see him today. I explained that I'm in the middle of a round of hormones, and being there scared me. The last time I was there where hormones were influencing me was Valentine's Day. He asked me to describe how I was feeling. The analogy I used was that my emotions were a fire and the hormones are an accelerant. It feels foreign. He said given the history between us and my internal experience, my anxiety made sense. He said he was hopeful that today would be a different experience.

Overall it was a different experience. We didn't talk about much. Mostly we talked about the relationship. Ugh. He's going on a "break" next week. It really isn't that big of a deal. He wanted to make it a bigger deal than it was. The conversation around this started with a comment he made about my emotion. That I was sitting well in my emotions and feeling them appropriately. I commented that I didn't agree. I did the math and it's been nearly 8 months since I've been able to cry in therapy. And I'm a crier.

He challenged me to focus less on the emotion and more on the fear. What bad could happen? I said that the detachment from emotion was protective. That eventually the wall would crumble and that's when bad things would happen.

"What bad things?"
"It's when the other shoe will drop."
"You're using euphemisms. Specifically what bad things?"

I said that I've grown to like him and appreciate the working relationship that's developed, which is impressive considering. So once I give up trying to hold the crumbling wall, that's when he's going to decide to move or take off time to write a book or whatever that would make him unavailable. That it's what happened with RoboT. That I'd been abandoned by him. Therapy has actually made me worse, and that I had measurable data points to prove it.

Bubbles asked me to compare and contrast his break versus the break and end with RoboT. I said the same was that the therapist would not be a resource available to me. The difference was that this upcoming "break" is barely a break at all and I wasn't terribly affected by it. He would be back. Bubbles said I was right; he assured me he would be at our next scheduled appointment on the 26th. I said I didn't like that. That he could get hit by a car or catch ebola or something because "who knows what you're up to next week."

He asked if it would help me if he told me he wouldn't tell me what he was doing next week. I said no. What he doesn't know is that I already know why he's out of the office. Thanks, Google. Unlike other people here, though, I don't have the strength to admit to him that I know this. Especially now that he said he wouldn't tell me what he's doing, I feel a great deal of shame about it.

What I replied was that I didn't want to know what he was doing. It wasn't on the list of many personal questions I wanted to ask him. That when I said that, I didn't mean it. I just have one question.

"I had that written down to discuss today."
"Of course you do, you asshole."

I hemmed and hawed, and ultimately I wasn't able to ask him the question I had for him. He observed that I sounded and acted very adolescent when I was trying to talk to him about my question. I agreed and asked why. He said that when people are activated, they have a tendency to regress to whenever the trauma was.

It was the end of session, so he did something really smart to help me come to baseline. I was telling him about my plans for the evening. I went out with my friend from college. We go out now every 2-3 weeks to commiserate about our jobs. He asked me a question to differentiate the population of students my friend works with versus the population I work with. A lot of my students have ADHD, so he asked me a very intellectual question about my opinion of the prevalence of ADHD diagnoses in America. I went into "adult mode" very quickly and was ready to leave afterwards.

T yesterday. Small talk, then he said he wanted to talk more about what was behind my wanting to view the video of him. He said he understood I had a natural curiosity about people who play certain roles in my life (like T's). I said yes, because the power is very unbalanced in the relationship. He gave a rather odd look. Me: OK, maybe "power" is the wrong word. But you know so much about me, even things I don't tell other people, but I don't know much about you. T: OK, that makes sense. In that way, there is a power imbalance. Me: Yes, and I think watching you let me see you outside, to give me a sense of what you're like when you're not in here with me. Not that what I saw probably represents how you are with family or friends, but...I guess maybe I wanted to see if you were actually an a**hole.

Talked about experience with MC, how I felt, because he shared so much, like I really "knew" him. That I was under the illusion for a long time that who he was in session was who he is as a person. T asked if he shared some things that didn't seem to match that. I said yes, with him talking about screaming at his kids, admitting punching a wall in the past, etc. T said that didn't seem to match with his persona. I said yes, but part of me maybe didn't believe that. But then with the call in December...I feel like I got to see a different side of him, maybe something more like the real MC? Because the way he was breathing and talking, it seemed like he was trying to avoid yelling at me. So it completely shattered the illusion.

T brought up the video thing, and said the main thing that bothered him about the viewing isn't that I watched the videos, it's that I figured out where he was. He said, "As you know, I don't tell clients where I'm going on when I'm away, so..." I said, "Yeah, I could tell by your reaction to that part...I'm sorry about that." He said I just happened to figure it out on a weekend that he was doing that.

He went back to watching the video. He said he wondered if it was partly because he was away on a day we'd normally meet, if I'd felt a bit abandoned so was looking for connection. I said that was probably part of it. He talked about a client who had taken a rock from his office—like he stole it and confessed after termination—and said he would hold it to feel connected to him. So T asked if it was like that.

I said, yes, in a way. How some posters on here had talked about transitional objects (I was sorta hoping he'd offer me one--maybe I need to come out and ask?). How honestly, that's part of why I'd asked for a business card in an early session. T said maybe it was also like the handwritten thing he'd given me for that Imago exercise. I said yes, but I hadn't looked at that recently.

He asked if I'd done similar things with people in the past. I said I was afraid to tell him this, because I didn't want him to think I'd do this with him--because I wouldn't. But with the high school teacher, I found his address in the phone book, and would sometimes drive by his street on my way home at night. T asked why I did that. I said seeing the lights on in his house and his car in the driveway was comforting to me. And, more recently how I knew what car MC drove because I'd seen him getting out of it multiple times. Sometimes when I had a session with ex-T, I would see MC's car in the parking lot and feel comforted, because it showed he still existed. So that may have been part of the watching the video thing--that I saw that T still existed.

I said I'd tried to explain it to MC once, saying I thought maybe it was about object permanence (where a young child doesn't believe that, say, their mother still exists when the mother leaves the room). How MC had completely discounted that, saying it's how a young child's mind works and wouldn't be how an adult mind is (or something like that) and I'd felt very dismissed. T said that made sense, how yes, the terminology I used is connected to young children, but that the concept was valid. That MC shouldn't have just dismissed it. It felt validating to hear him say that.

Then T said, "Can I ask you a question? Wait, why did I say it like that? I'm going to ask you a question." Me: OK. T: Were you only upset about what MC said in retrospect, now that you've terminated? Or were you upset at the time? Me: I was upset at the time, I felt I had this great insight and he was completely discounting it because of the terminology. T (sounding very serious): If I ever say anything to you that bothers or upsets you, I want you to tell me right then, at the time, OK? Me: OK, I will. Thanks. And I did try to tell MC at the time, but he just dismissed it.

T said I should try to think of the common threads between people I've been attached to and the situations. How maybe that could help us understand more what's going on with me. I said I could try to journal about that, and he said we could work on it together, too. He also said he didn't want me to end up with the same stuff happening with him that did with MC. Like if I went down that same path, developing unhealthy attachment, pushing too much, etc. Because that wouldn't help me. I said I agreed, that I didn't want it to happen again either, that I was really afraid of it.

I said how MC had told me that processing transference could be a healing experience, to sort of rewrite the endings to stories from my past. T said, "Corrective, then." I said yes. But it felt like he'd promised me that, and I kept holding on and trying to work through it in the hopes of getting that. But then I didn't end up getting that.

I said I felt bad saying this, but in some ways, I feel like MC was getting something out of my needing him. That he wanted to be needed. T said, "That would be countertransference. He's a very nurturing guy, so you looking to him for that could have brought out that side of him more."

I asked if understanding what was going on could help prevent me going down the same path. T said it could help. I said I guess I should be sharing whatever thoughts or urges I have. But that's scary to me, because I don't want him to get weirded out, thinking, "Oh, no, now what is LT going to do?" But I said I guess I should still share it, right? He said yes, that we should talk about it. I said maybe that could help me figure out what's behind all of this. And what the common thread is between people I have this reaction to, the wanting more of a connection and having trouble holding onto it between when I see them He said, "Yes, not to get all 'Schoolhouse Rock' on you, but 'Knowledge is power.'" I smiled.

Got out phones and scheduled. I joked that I needed to look around to figure out what item to steal, and he laughed. I said, "Oh, and you're not about to take a 3-week vacation, are you?" T: Not unless I win the lottery. Which would be difficult, since I don't buy lottery tickets. Went to desk and paid, while chatting about scratch-off lottery tickets. Shook hands as he said, "Thanks for chatting!" I said "Thank you, too. Uh...Have a good weekend!" T: "Today's Monday." Me (laughing): "Right, so it is!" T: "I'll see you Thursday." Me: "see you then."

You are being SO BRAVE in therapy, LT! <3 I really admire you

Today’s session was eventful. I first got a call saying bring my celexa medication which panicked me since I dialed down on the dose so and didn’t get my refill yet so I was worried about that so she asked how I was etc etc says that’s good the session lasted I kid you not 15 mins maybe 10 I lost track I usually have a half hour. T practically pushed me out the door and never checked my meds and said she’ll refill my celexa and told me to dial down on my Ativan only take as needed instead of as my usual take everyday. I honestly don’t get her:/

Aw, thanks, TMC! You're being quite brave, too. Hope you're healing OK from the accident...

So, bad session. It was an after-hours appointment, so I had to ring the bell.

She was right on the other side of the door waiting for me. Unexpected. We head back to her office and she starts jabbering at me in the hall on the way there. I can’t get what she’s saying and she has to repeat herself like four times. (She was asking if I wanted a minute to gather myself.) So by the time we reach her office I’m upset, embarassed, and feeling stupid. And all I want to do is leave. I don’t usually react this way to not hearing someone. Can’t afford to.

She tries to start by talking about an incident that triggered thoughts of 2ex last week and that I wrote her a letter about. I’m still hung up on the thing in the hall and we talk about that instead. For like 25 minutes. Then we talk 2ex for maybe ten minutes, then wind up back on the thing in the hall.

I’m very quiet that first 25 minutes, staring around in a dissociated fashion and being weepy. Finally it occurs to me she’s being very quiet, too, letting me be quiet to an extent no therapist ever has.

ATAT: Why are you being so quiet?
Piaf: Well, to be honest, I don’t quite know where to go from here.
ATAT: So you’re just going to give up and sit there?

After that we both talked more, about the incident in the hall. I end up telling her the most embarassing thing that ever happened to me as a result of my hearing (it involves thinking a whole roomful of people at a talk were laughing at me as a result of something I misheard). She calls this “very sad,” despite me pointing out there was a happy ending.

Then for some reason I tell her about the film Last Year at Marienbad and a novel of Salman Rushdie’s that mentions someone watching it because they love the person who really wants to see it, which I did for 2ex. (The film is virtually incomprehensible.)

Then we get on to 2ex, during which I ask her why she’s so blunt in her criticism of him—like, personal—while other therapists have said he was abusive but don’t criticize him personally. She says she likes to call a spade a spade.

She asks if any of my other therapists suggested PTSD, and I said yes, for assault, abusive marriage, and hearing struggles. That brings us back to the incident in the hall.

Piaf: How did you feel?
ATAT: You’re going to start asking therapist-y questions?
Piaf: You don’t have to answer.

I’m more interested in why I felt whatever.

Piaf: I don’t like why.
ATAT: Why not?
Piaf: It is not specific enough. One can talk about the whys forever and get nowhere. I prefer what. It is concrete. What did you feel?

We go through that, I say confused and surprised (that she was right there on the other side of the door) and humiliated. She spends the next five minutes taking responsibility for the whole thing, saying she “pounced” on me as soon as I entered and didn’t give me time to collect myself and turned away from me when she spoke.

ATAT: I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but...
Piaf: But...?
ATAT: It isn’t your responsibility. You’re not the one who’s a freak.



At this point she tells me that from the outside it seems that my life is pretty hard, harder than most people’s. I disagree, arguing that the life of no one in white middle-class America can really be called “hard,” and my problems are definitely First World. I also point out my mother has the same hearing problem, a much more stressful job, raised kids, and had a terminally ill spouse, but coped with it all.

We go over because I’m still weepy. She says again she’s sorry for the incident in the hall, that she just wasn’t communicating well. I tell her about AY’s Chinese room/therapy theory. Piaf the Practical says, “Just open the door.” (She is obviously not a philosopher. Wonder what she would do with Schrodinger’s cat?)

And then finally I get out of there. No Piaf for three weeks, and she’ll be “completely inaccessible.” Nunnery? Biosphere II? Climbing Everest?

(((@@))) piaf - obviously, paris in the springtime

((ATAT)) maybe Piaf likes to explore caves and abandoned mines for a hobby. No cell reception down there.

this might call for another list.

What if she turns out to be like that guy in...Kentucky? Floyd Collins.

They'll remake “Ace in the Hole” and it’ll be about my therapist.

I tried to talk to him about a professional issue but it was going nowhere and I was getting a bit bored and frustrated. I went quiet. He said I seemed sad. I said I am a bit, because i could sense his hesitancy. He said it's a weird thing because it's a part of who we both are but it is not why we meet.
I said I couldn't be bothered to talk to him about anything. I told him it felt like there was no point and I was worried he would make me feel worse.
We started talking about how I was feeling. I said I wasn't feeling much now.
T said I had expressed sadness and fear so far but I seem to have shifted away from that. That it feels important to pay attention to the subtle shifts in the way I was feeling. I burst out laughing. I said it feels ludicrous to have to be detective to myself. T said I need I deerstalker. I said "does that make you Watson?". He said maybe. He asked what the case would be. I said that's a good question. How can you tell when the nature of the mystery is a mystery. T suggested "the case of the woman who is fearful of intruding" he said that was based on last week. I said how about "the case of the woman who can't make sense of herself". I said I have so many feelings and I can't make sense of them. I don't know what they're all about.
He said where do I feel them? I said in my head, my chest and my stomach.
He said what is it like. I said my head has this sense of urgency, like I have to fix this now. It's panicky. My chest is tight and like it's shutting down. My stomach is hollow like there is something missing. That's where the yearning comes from. He asked what that feels like. I said it feels like it's going to kill me. He asked "the absence is going to kill you?" I said yes.
T asked what does the missing thing look like? I said I dont know, it has been gone for so long (I felt a bit upset when I said that).
He asked who took it. I said I feel like it's my fault it's gone. He said "you lost it?" I said I drove it away. He said "if you did, you had a good reason to at the time". I just looked at him.
He said there's a couple of minutes left, is there anything we can do to make sure you are safe to leave. I just looked at him. He said what's happening? I said "I dont know" then I said "I'm fighting crying". He said "don't fight it". I shed a couple of tears but then stopped myself because time was up. He said it's okay that I can't make sense of it all.
I stood up and said "come on then" and we hugged for quite a long time and he squeezed me tight. I said goodbye and he said "take care".
We just touched some deep stuff which I've never touched in therapy before. It's a shame it happened in the last 15 minutes.

(((ATAT))) I do applaud Piaf's practicality in opening the door as the answer.

But, seriously, didn't she just take a vacation a little while earlier? What the...

And, sorry you had to blow so much time dealing with her goof-ups....

I don't actually think she goofed up. Except maybe in retreating into silence at the start.

I did think she was right, what can be a better question than why. It's really easy to get hung up on the whys and go in circles sometimes.

Yeah, she was out three weeks or so in February. But there are caves that need spelunking!

I really like Piaf, ATAT. 3 weeks in February and 3 more in April? sheesh!

"I don't think you're taking your meds right now!"

"are you hearing the voices?"
"no"
"are you REALLY not hearing them?"

T doesn't believe anything I say anymore

"do you still care about me?"
"of course I care about you... That's why I do these things like hold boundaries and get frustrated when you sabotage"

"it's hard to watch. I can't even imagine what it's like to go thru."

Feel bad about it all. But oh well such is my life

Emails.

Me:

Hi T
Just wanted to let you know I'm okay. Clearly we're touching on some very deep stuff there. Feel a bit tired out but alright. Managed the drive okay.
Love,
Echos

T:

Hi Echos,

Thanks for letting me know. I guess from your email it was obvious that I was concerned about you when you left.

Take care of yourself,

Warm wishes, T

I talked to T about different things about which I struggle. T helped me navigate some difficult things and I feel that I have a lot to think about. I think that my feelings/emotions in session were real, and I think that the part of me that thinks I am having paranoid thoughts may also be a part of this. I think both are true. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting implicit negative vibes, and I believe that is true. It's kind of difficult not to consider the worst, because if I don't expect it, it might destroy me. I had a really difficult time talking to T using some terms which was embarrassing. I feel as if I have been diligently trying to navigate my way through all of this at work , at home, and with T.

Then T tells me he is going away and may not have cell phone reception. I don't care anymore. That is my pat response to a situation that causes me pain in which I have no way of knowing if my emotions will get in an uproar, or not. I want to talk about how strong and powerful I am, but really, I am afraid. I don't even think it is going to bother me at all, but again, it's like I have to prepare for the worst.

I told T that I wasn't sure if I didn't trust others of whom I was speaking or if I don't trust myself. How do I know when I am projecting? It's maddening. Maybe that is my problem. I can't even have one thought about another without considering if I am projecting. I hyperanalyze everything and think, am I angry at home at feeling powerless, or am I really trying to tell T that I feel powerless with him? At a low level, I feel powerless because he is going away and might not have cell phone reception. But I trust him. I trust that he isn't sending me implicit messages of anger and such. It is a sense of powerlessness, needing someone and not being sure they will be there. I haven't chosen this. However, I don't feel like I am below my T, in the other situation, I do. My T is just my T, and as that, I am attached to him.

I am having such a difficult time discerning what is going on, whether my negative emotions and/or paranoia are a part of this, is what I'm saying true as far as how I'm conveying it, or am I projecting my emotions outward?

The confusion I am suffering rom is horrid. It makes me feel sad for myself because it makes the world a difficult place to live in. What is real? What is projection? What is accurate? It's almost like I am gaslighting myself, although that probably isn't possible.

In spite of all of this confusion, I am moving forward.

I feel like I need an after session after each session to discuss the session. I guess that is called next week.

For a session that I had pretty much planned, it didn’t happen as I thought. Once I sat down and started talking about the 8th, I hit a wall.
‘We were invited to dinner with some friends, and I was doing pretty well. For me, that is the bare minimum, keeping up with the conversation, participating and enjoying the food.’
‘As you say that I get a sense that there is almost constant monitoring going on: “am I okay, am I doing OK?”
‘Yes, exactly. The conversation was around TV, and what people had been watching. Our friends’ son brought up an episode of Family Guy…’
‘What is happening there? Is it because of the content?’
‘Yes. Our friends’ son brought up an episode of Family Guy where a character was left to die of a heart attack. We both know why that would be a problem for me.’
‘Yes.’
‘The seating arrangement was such that I could not excuse myself quickly, and I don’t think my cool, calm exterior worked. His mother looked at me and said “It’s OK, we’re not talking about real life. This didn’t actually happen.”’
‘How did that make you feel, because you know that Family Guy is not real life?’
‘It didn’t really help. I was still trying to come back. I hadn’t finished eating and up to that point I had been enjoying my food, but after that I lost my sense of taste.’
‘When you talk about that you sound surprised.’
‘It’s the first time I have ever been triggered to that extent, and it took me a while to come back. The ideal is that I don’t get triggered, or if I do that I’m able to bring myself back more quickly, but I can’t do that yet.’
‘Yet. I hear an acceptance there, and it sounds like something that you are working on.’
‘The most difficult thing about this is the cyclical nature of it. Getting through the day only to be in that terrible place again at night.’
‘When you talk about that, it makes me feel stressed. Getting through the day and waiting for horribleness at night.’

‘Exactly, and I think ‘If only I had dealt with it at the time’, but what I am dealing with has changed. It is more intense than it was a year ago, even.’

‘This is a bit directive, but do you feel as though you have changed?’

I paused to consider my answer and replied. ‘I feel markedly less resilient. I couldn’t deal with it at the time, because my attention was on the song I wrote for Chris and making that the best it could be. When you have worked an entire day in a recording studio and just got a guitar track…You have one day to do this project and the engineer says ‘Do you want to come back tomorrow and do the vocal?’ I wanted it to be something I could be proud of, and I am, but it could have been better. I used to think that it was just **** timing, but ‘She knows you worry’, and ‘Because of all you’ve been through I didn’t want to tell you this, but…’ They ****ing knew what they were doing, and I am supposed to forgive that?’

‘Is that an expectation on your part?’

‘There are outside forces, people keep talking about how I have to feel sorry for them. And that’s the old echo “And you can’t just let this go?” If I could just let it go, I would, but it doesn’t feel safe.’

‘And you believe that forgiveness benefits the other person?’

‘I know that forgiveness sets everybody free. I could sit here and quote six different passages from Buddhism to modern American fiction, but I believe forgiveness means it doesn’t matter.’

‘And the flipside of that is right now it matters very much.’
‘For now, forgiveness lies beyond. A place I am not yet fit to visit.’

R asked me how it felt that I was not yet ready to forgive. I said I was OK with it.

‘The meeting at the college went well. They put me in the path of a couple of other opportunities, and then she asked to see some recent work. There is no recent work without the pieces I have written living through this, so I looked through my document of about 30 new poems since 2016 and selected two long poems and four haiku. I don’t know why I did this, but I also attached a 500 word piece on how they came to be.’

R wondered whether this was different than the way I would usually submit work. I explained that it is usually 3-5 pieces and a 1-3 sentence bio.

‘So you have been a bit of a writing rebel, then!’

I explained that I felt as though I was preparing a defence. ‘Throughout my time at university and in developing my own practice, I have always felt that poetry ought to be able to stand on its own, but I was concerned that the pieces might give an impression of me being in a darker place than I am.’
‘You’ve shared some of your pieces, and I wouldn’t say they’re dark. I would use the word ‘powerful’…yes, there’s darkness, but it’s not a negative. So it was less ‘This is where they came from’ than ‘Please don’t use this as a judge for any opportunities you might want to give me, I am OK.’

‘Yes.’

‘In doing that I get the sense that you want to be understood.’
‘Yes. When I am sharing my skills and doing what I love, I feel like a more worthwhile person.’

‘That’s almost a reminder there.’

‘When I write therapeutically, it takes the creativity out of it.’
‘And that is a coping mechanism for you.’
‘Yes. I only write fiction when things are going well, and I haven’t written fiction since 2015.’
‘That’s a sort of measure for you then.’
R and I had a chat about my expectations and she has asked me to come up with a list of what I want and don’t want from therapy.

‘I want to feel. I was talking to a friend the other day, telling them that ‘It’s over, but my shoulders don’t know that yet.’

‘You feel tense in your body? As you said that, I became aware of mine…’Drop your shoulders…’’
‘Yes.’

‘You talk about safety, but what I’ve heard you say in session about feeling scared, overwhelmed, terrified…that doesn’t sound very safe to me.’

Throughout the session I was aware of the letter by my arm, but didn’t bring it up. Makes sense to start there next time.