[NativeSky]

I've been seeing my T for about 2 years, and to be fair, I like my T's firm boundaries. I respect them. They make me feel safe. But sometimes it feels like he holds tighter boundaries with me compared to his other his clients.

I try so hard to be a "good" client. T doesn't do texting or emailing so I call him only when there is a scheduling issue. I see him every 2 weeks, and if I'm to the point where I am severely struggling and can't wait, I will contact him to schedule a session in between but I won't say what's going on and he doesn't ask. I always pay on time. I'm rarely late, and even if I anticipate being 3 minutes late, I will call him to let him know.

I know Ts have different relationships with each client, but he seems so harsh with me at times. I understand not extending the time if I am the one who's late, but he won't even extend it if he's the one who's late. There have been times when I have been scheduled to see him on different days and times and noticed that with his other clients he goes the full hour. With me, it's 50 minutes and not a minute more. Even less on the occasions he's running late, or for some reason is just late a couple of minutes in coming to get me.

I have overheard him with different clients toward the end of their sessions. He's talkative, friendly, warm. Wishes them a good weekend or holiday and tells them to take care. He's never said those things to me after a session. We just confirm the next appointment and that's it. Not even a "Bye" or "Goodnight'. He keeps it so "professional" with me. So distant at times. I may be wrong, but sometimes I get the sense that I trigger him. That he keeps a professional distance not for my benefit but to protect himself.

It hurts because all I can think of at times is "What is it about me that you just can't stand?"

[growlycat]

You should be getting your full fifty minutes no matter what!! It’s ok to call him out on these things that you notice. Have you considered looking for another therapist? In my past I had therapists who I suspect did not like me. Changing therapists helped a great deal

[NativeSky]

Originally Posted by growlycat

You should be getting your full fifty minutes no matter what!! It’s ok to call him out on these things that you notice. Have you considered looking for another therapist? In my past I had therapists who I suspect did not like me. Changing therapists helped a great deal

I've thought about pointing it out so many times, but I chicken out every time.

For the past 6 months, I have constantly thought about finding a new T, but my attachment to him is something that I have never experienced before in my life. It's intense. Had a rupture recently. Working on that. I keep thinking maybe we can work through it. That I can't quit something yet again. I don't want to be a quitter anymore. That if I work through this with him, I'll be a better person for it. But I just don't know. . .I don't know.

[growlycat]

Can you send him an email with what you wrote here?

[kecanoe]

Do you know why the boundaries are more strict with you? I have heard that some Ts think that certain diagnoses merit different boundaries. I am not sure I agree with that, but there do seem to be some that believe that.

Was there a problem in the past?

Have you ever talked about it-not necessarily in a confrontational way. I think that would be difficult. But has the subject ever come up or could you just ask about boundaries and what purpose your T thinks they serve?

I understand not wanting to leave. I can't imagine leaving T1. But it sounds like staying is painful also. With T1, I am the first appointment of the day-that keeps me from freaking out when the client before me runs over. And I am the last appointment of the day with T3: that way we can get to a reasonable stopping point. She always runs late, sometimes super late. But being last means that we just go even later.

[NativeSky]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Can you send him an email with what you wrote here?

Unfortunately, not. He doesn't allow emails.

[feileacan]

The only thing that seems a bit off to me is that he doesn't give you 50 minutes when he is late. The other things seem to me to be the dynamics between you and him which is probably dictated by you by being a "good" client. Probably he would be more outgoing also with you if you would indicate yourself that this is something you would want. Without you indicating that he would just perhaps overstep your boundaries and that would not be good either.

Why do you think you need to be a good client anyway? You are paying to him for his time and not for being "good". It is very likely that he doesn't expect you to be "good" and you are hurting yourself by trying to be that for no good reason. It seems to me an important topic to explore.

ETA: I accidentally wrote first that you are not paying for his time but I meant to write (as it is now) that you are paying for his time.

[NativeSky]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Do you know why the boundaries are more strict with you? I have heard that some Ts think that certain diagnoses merit different boundaries. I am not sure I agree with that, but there do seem to be some that believe that.

Was there a problem in the past?

Have you ever talked about it-not necessarily in a confrontational way. I think that would be difficult. But has the subject ever come up or could you just ask about boundaries and what purpose your T thinks they serve?

I understand not wanting to leave. I can't imagine leaving T1. But it sounds like staying is painful also. With T1, I am the first appointment of the day-that keeps me from freaking out when the client before me runs over. And I am the last appointment of the day with T3: that way we can get to a reasonable stopping point. She always runs late, sometimes super late. But being last means that we just go even later.

My T doesn't like diagnoses. He'll do it if necessary for insurance purposes, but since I'm self-pay, he's never discussed a diagnosis with me and I never asked.

I have experienced trauma - CSA. And I have difficulties feeling safe around men in general.

He wasn't always like this. This is my first experience in therapy. In the beginning, he always seemed to be so eager and happy to see me. I could see it in his face. It felt so good. I felt so understood. Once, as I was telling him about a painful experience, he even cried. That touched me in a way I can't explain.

I don't know if maybe I delved into the trauma too quickly, but after about 6 months I was completely overwhelmed. So I went into session one day, told him that I needed to stop therapy and that I would call him when I was ready to start again.

I re-group, call him a few months later and come back to find him distant and somewhat cold. When I took the risk to tell him I had missed him, which made me feel so incredibly vulnerable, he looked away and all he replied with was "That's interesting." I was so hurt. I never said it again.

I see him Friday night. I have to discuss this with him, I know. Hopefully, I won't chicken out.

Thank you all for letting me talk this out.

[NativeSky]

Originally Posted by feileacan

The only thing that seems a bit off to me is that he doesn't give you 50 minutes when he is late. The other things seem to me to be the dynamics between you and him which is probably dictated by you by being a "good" client. Probably he would be more outgoing also with you if you would indicate yourself that this is something you would want. Without you indicating that he would just perhaps overstep your boundaries and that would not be good either.

Thank you for this. . .I agree.

Originally Posted by feileacan

Why do you think you need to be a good client anyway? You are not paying to him for his time and not for being "good". It is very likely that he doesn't expect you to be "good" and you are hurting yourself by trying to be that for no good reason. It seems to me an important topic to explore.

I don't want to burden him. I'm so afraid that I'll become "too much" and overwhelm him. And it's weird, even though I'm paying him I feel like I'm intruding on his time. Definitely something to explore.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by NativeSky

Unfortunately, not. He doesn't allow emails.

Maybe push that boundary this once? Hand it to him in session?

[MoxieDoxie]

You have to push the boundaries to know. What is the worst that can happen? If he terminates you for that well then he is not the therapist for you and it is time to move on. What is the best thing that can happen? You do need to discuss your feelings about this otherwise his therapy will not be productive for you.

[LonesomeTonight]

If you can't e-mail him, then as SE suggested, I'd type up pretty much what you said here, print it out, and hand it to him at the start of session. I've done that a few times if it's something I thought I'd have trouble saying or expressing as I wanted to (I express myself better in writing), and I've found it to be helpful.

Originally Posted by NativeSky

I know Ts have different relationships with each client, but he seems so harsh with me at times. I understand not extending the time if I am the one who's late, but he won't even extend it if he's the one who's late.

I could never go to a T that made me feel like this. We are paying our Ts for a service. They should be giving us our money's worth but much more important than that, they should always be kind to us. Kindness is healing. If your T is not consistently kind then try another. The chemistry between the two of you is not working. Don't assume it is all you. You deserve much better than this!!!

[katydid777]

When you took a break from your T, he may have felt that it was bc of him, and he may think he pushed you too far, and don't want to go over your space again, and is trying to protect your space. I also believe all of you that have a male T are very strong. I couldn't have one. I have a very difficult time being around some men. I won't even watch Dr, Phill, he gives me the creeps, LOL

Originally Posted by NativeSky

I've been seeing my T for about 2 years, and to be fair, I like my T's firm boundaries. I respect them. They make me feel safe. But sometimes it feels like he holds tighter boundaries with me compared to his other his clients.

I try so hard to be a "good" client. T doesn't do texting or emailing so I call him only when there is a scheduling issue. I see him every 2 weeks, and if I'm to the point where I am severely struggling and can't wait, I will contact him to schedule a session in between but I won't say what's going on and he doesn't ask. I always pay on time. I'm rarely late, and even if I anticipate being 3 minutes late, I will call him to let him know.

I know Ts have different relationships with each client, but he seems so harsh with me at times. I understand not extending the time if I am the one who's late, but he won't even extend it if he's the one who's late. There have been times when I have been scheduled to see him on different days and times and noticed that with his other clients he goes the full hour. With me, it's 50 minutes and not a minute more. Even less on the occasions he's running late, or for some reason is just late a couple of minutes in coming to get me.

I have overheard him with different clients toward the end of their sessions. He's talkative, friendly, warm. Wishes them a good weekend or holiday and tells them to take care. He's never said those things to me after a session. We just confirm the next appointment and that's it. Not even a "Bye" or "Goodnight'. He keeps it so "professional" with me. So distant at times. I may be wrong, but sometimes I get the sense that I trigger him. That he keeps a professional distance not for my benefit but to protect himself.

It hurts because all I can think of at times is "What is it about me that you just can't stand?"

A previous therapist said me all her clients can be difficult in one way or another and the one's attempting to be a "good" client can at times be the most trying for a therapist to treat.

Like someone else said, your therapist may be taking his cues from your reasons for taking a break. It's best figured out in a direct discussion with him.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by NativeSky

He wasn't always like this. This is my first experience in therapy. In the beginning, he always seemed to be so eager and happy to see me. I could see it in his face. It felt so good. I felt so understood. Once, as I was telling him about a painful experience, he even cried. That touched me in a way I can't explain.

I don't know if maybe I delved into the trauma too quickly, but after about 6 months I was completely overwhelmed. So I went into session one day, told him that I needed to stop therapy and that I would call him when I was ready to start again.

I re-group, call him a few months later and come back to find him distant and somewhat cold. When I took the risk to tell him I had missed him, which made me feel so incredibly vulnerable, he looked away and all he replied with was "That's interesting." I was so hurt. I never said it again.

Honestly, your T's behavior seems a little bit like someone who's been hurt or had someone break up with them, and then runs across the person later on. You've said that he seemed to openly care for you before, and I'm wondering if that attachment was indeed quite strong on his side and that's why he didn't take it well when you took a break? I am by no means suggesting you did anything wrong in taking a break. It's certainly not your responsibility as a client to worry about hurting your T's feelings if you take time off. I just wonder if he's gone into some sort of self-protective mode. When you said you'd missed him and he looked away, my intuition would say he didn't want his own feelings to be pulled forward, he didn't want to admit he had missed you too. And it feels like he might be punishing you for leaving, by making you leave right on the dot, even if he started late.

If it were me I think I might ask questions about how he felt about the break. If he's forthcoming and honest about his feelings maybe there's a way to move forward in a warmer fashion. If he stonewalls you then maybe there won't be much room for improving things. I hope that something can change for you in this therapy relationship.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Honestly, your T's behavior seems a little bit like someone who's been hurt or had someone break up with them, and then runs across the person later on. You've said that he seemed to openly care for you before, and I'm wondering if that attachment was indeed quite strong on his side and that's why he didn't take it well when you took a break? I am by no means suggesting you did anything wrong in taking a break. It's certainly not your responsibility as a client to worry about hurting your T's feelings if you take time off. I just wonder if he's gone into some sort of self-protective mode. When you said you'd missed him and he looked away, my intuition would say he didn't want his own feelings to be pulled forward, he didn't want to admit he had missed you too. And it feels like he might be punishing you for leaving, by making you leave right on the dot, even if he started late.

If it were me I think I might ask questions about how he felt about the break. If he's forthcoming and honest about his feelings maybe there's a way to move forward in a warmer fashion. If he stonewalls you then maybe there won't be much room for improving things. I hope that something can change for you in this therapy relationship.

I was thinking something similar, that maybe he was upset by you abruptly taking a break, even though it's completely your place to do that as a client, and you shouldn't have to worry about the T's feelings. Just thinking that could possibly be coming into play here.

[BudFox]

Sounds like his boundaries and his conduct serves his needs, while making you feel worse. Yet you are paying him.

In my observation/experience, therapy boundaries are almost always a benefit for the therapist, and a detriment to the client, but it's sold as some sort of necessary lesson for the client.

[NativeSky]

Originally Posted by AttachmentesBueno

A previous therapist said me all her clients can be difficult in one way or another and the one's attempting to be a "good" client can at times be the most trying for a therapist to treat.

Reading this made me realize that in trying to be "good" I have been keeping very rigid boundaries as well because I'm so ashamed of needing him and even more so of him finding out. But I'm guessing he already knows I'm fighting it so hard.

I realize I keep him at a certain distance also.

[NativeSky]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Honestly, your T's behavior seems a little bit like someone who's been hurt or had someone break up with them, and then runs across the person later on. You've said that he seemed to openly care for you before, and I'm wondering if that attachment was indeed quite strong on his side and that's why he didn't take it well when you took a break? I am by no means suggesting you did anything wrong in taking a break. It's certainly not your responsibility as a client to worry about hurting your T's feelings if you take time off. I just wonder if he's gone into some sort of self-protective mode. When you said you'd missed him and he looked away, my intuition would say he didn't want his own feelings to be pulled forward, he didn't want to admit he had missed you too. And it feels like he might be punishing you for leaving, by making you leave right on the dot, even if he started late.

YES! A thousand times yes! I have felt precisely this. Ever since I resumed therapy it feels like he is punishing me for taking a break. I can't shake that feeling and I somehow feel like I deserve it and need to prove that I will not stop again.

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

If it were me I think I might ask questions about how he felt about the break. If he's forthcoming and honest about his feelings maybe there's a way to move forward in a warmer fashion. If he stonewalls you then maybe there won't be much room for improving things. I hope that something can change for you in this therapy relationship.

My anxiety is sky high but, yes, I will bring this up tomorrow because I've hit my limit. I can't continue like this. As painful as it will be to never see him again, I know that for my own wellbeing I can't continue like this.

[TeaVicar?]

I think you should just ask him and don't let it rest until you get an explanation that you feel ok with. All of the suggestions above are possible. Do you feel any guilt for having the break? Maybe there's some counter-transference on his part and he's responding to your guilt on some level. Maybe there's some other reason why he feels the need to maintain such firm boundaries. Either way if it's a problem for you, you need to bring it up.

I stopped trying to be 'good' a while ago and found my therapist to be much more engaging. Now I try to annoy him occasionally, just for fun. Gently pushing boundaries can be frightening but fun too sometimes. He can also be rigid and unhelpful at times but is always willing to talk about it.

[Myrto]

You get to take as many breaks as you want in therapy the same way you get to stop therapy whenever you want, your therapist has no say in any of this and he certainly doesn't get to feel hurt and needy that you "broke up with him" (sorry that's what it sounds like from his part). You are a client and paying for a service, you're not supposed to care about your therapist's feelings. This guy sounds needy AF. And now he's punishing you? Ugh. Red flags everywhere.

[NativeSky]

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

I think you should just ask him and don't let it rest until you get an explanation that you feel ok with. All of the suggestions above are possible. Do you feel any guilt for having the break? Maybe there's some counter-transference on his part and he's responding to your guilt on some level. Maybe there's some other reason why he feels the need to maintain such firm boundaries. Either way if it's a problem for you, you need to bring it up.

I did feel guilty for taking the break and I felt like a quitter for needing to stop when the going got tough. But I'm slowly, very slowly, learning to be gentle with myself, and realize that I just needed time away from therapy for a bit.

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

I stopped trying to be 'good' a while ago and found my therapist to be much more engaging. Now I try to annoy him occasionally, just for fun. Gently pushing boundaries can be frightening but fun too sometimes. He can also be rigid and unhelpful at times but is always willing to talk about it.

I have a feeling this is what's going on with me. Me trying to be so good, a perfect client, is getting in the way. And that's exactly what I'm longing for, for him to be more engaging, and not have it feel like I'm being watched from behind a glass, bulletproof, wall.

I've thought of messing with him on purpose by just going in there and sitting in his chair and not say word and see how'd he react. But I'm not that brave. Maybe some day.

[NativeSky]

Session with T today.

Talked about his distance, coldness, feeling like I was being punished, etc. I talked about it from my end, and how I was feeling and perceiving everything. I did not say a word as to how I thought he was feeling.

He asked for examples as to when I had felt those things. I knew he would so I was ready! Out of all of them, he specifically only apologized for one.

He admitted to feeling hurt by my leaving so abruptly. That it made him feel like I had not valued the work we were doing. He said he was experiencing counter-transference, but did not go into further detail. Although he did seem very concerned for how it had affected me.

He's very much a blank slate T, but said that he was willing to do things differently. He seemed to soften and warm up and by the end of the session I felt a connection to him I had not felt in a long time.

I have hope we can work through this.

[missbella]

Originally Posted by NativeSky

I've thought about pointing it out so many times, but I chicken out every time.

For the past 6 months, I have constantly thought about finding a new T, but my attachment to him is something that I have never experienced before in my life. It's intense. Had a rupture recently. Working on that. I keep thinking maybe we can work through it. That I can't quit something yet again. I don't want to be a quitter anymore. That if I work through this with him, I'll be a better person for it. But I just don't know. . .I don't know.

It seems your dilemma hinges on punitive labels and assumptions, quitter, this self-imposed burden to mend the rupture. It sounds like a harsh imposition overseeing you.

I did myself great damage perceiving therapy as some sort of moral imperative, some purification I must undergo to be worthy. So my irrationality kept me too long with an arrogant, unskilled, disdainful therapist team that disliked me and did great hurt. My self-assignment to make it work with them only did damage.

Therapy is supposed to lighten our loads, not impose more burdens, despair, shame or drama. And it’s no more a moral obligation than going to the allergist or hairdresser.