Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

If I make it past tomorrow, and my mistake can be corrected, things MIGHT be okay. If things go well, it will be a such a relief. If things can't be fixed, it's going to be a long five weeks until Summer. I am constantly trying to distract myself, and it works sometimes. But sometimes it's just miserable. I really hope things go well so I can move past this. I really need you to understand how terrifying this situation is. It doesn't sound too bad, but it certainly feels that way.

eeekkk T. I wonder how nervous I will be going into tomorrow's session. Should I just ignore how upset and angry and spiral-y I got when you cancelled last minute a week ago? I don't know. It seems so far away and I am not angry anymore.

Sigh.

Should I tell you how I've been seriously struggling with thoughts of suicide since Friday when we meet tomorrow? I feel like you don't want to deal with that part of me anymore since you've referred me to the DBT place. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry.

ED tw

Did you worry about me this weekend? Did I even cross your mind?

Please don't leave me tomorrow! Please help me through this. You hold all the power right now.

You seem like a nice person with a good heart...
I wish I knew If I could really trust you.
I hurt way more than you think I do.
I wish you had the right answer for me.
I wish I truly knew where your heart is.

wanna call out from work but that's a bad look cause I almost got fired

I worked a double on Saturday tho

feeling gross and tired and like I have a cold

also emotionless. a zombie

I feel really ill and even though I'm terrified of seeing you this evening, I am desperately hoping that I'll be well enough because there's no way in hell I want to wait till next week to get this sorted out... Uggghhhhh.

ok i did what you suggested and feeled instead of thinked and now i can't shut off the damn feels. curses! curses, i say.

then last night i dreamed i was with my drumming peeps at a circle and E came over to me and asked what was going on with me, because she couldn't see my aura, and i was like i don't know, but i feel like i'm not all here or something and she hugged me.

dreams are weird.

and i miss you even though i just saw you thursday.

curses.

Hi T,

Not sure I'll be able to face you tomorrow without dying of embarassement. I strongly regret saying what I did, I shouldn't have said that, can't you just forget about it?

Dear T,
See you in 90 minutes. Nervous, and ex-MC's e-mail response isn't helping with that... Please don't be like, "Well, duh, of course he tightened boundaries when you said you loved him. I'd do the same!" Because then maybe I'll just run away and not come back.

--LT

I hope your session goes well LT.

I’m starting to feel like a burden to you.

I will not email.
I will not email.
I will not email.

I always miss you when I stop and think about you.

I changed my mind. I do want to know what you think about the possibility. It's not logical for me to want that, though and I know it. Because I want it for the wrong reasons.

Dear T,
I know I said we were good at the end of session, but really I don't think we are. I think you're somehow unaware that I already have transference toward you. Even if you said you were willing to work with it...I can't get the thing out of my head where you said you'd feel creeped out if the stone was about you instead of the safe space. Like...wondering if we need to terminate. Which would make me really sad. But I can't deal with this again...
No love, don't worry!

LT

I wish I had something to helpful to say LT, that session sounds so painful. ((Big safe hugs.))

Lt

That sucks but from this and other posts he doesn't sound very comfortable with attachment. Maybe termimating would be best here sadly. Could you see the female t you saw before him again? Maybe find someome who's better at handling it. I always feel sad for people who's t's don't respond well. Creeped out is a terrible thing for him to say. Sorry. Good luck going forward whatever you pick to do

..."creeped out" ?? that's a s****y thing for a T to say...
Sometimes, I want to whack him upside the head for you.

There's nothing WRONG with it being about him, btw. It's perfectly NORMAL for a person to BE your "safe space." It's perfectly normal to feel attachment feelings, good attachment feelings, towards other people.

Ugh. I'm mad at him for you.

Thanks for the support--I asked him about seeing him sooner to talk about all that more, and I'm seeing him tomorrow (which may be a horrible idea, but we'll see...) I just need to figure out what my next move is...trying to continue with him or moving on (maybe seeing a younger/or at least close to my age woman? Haven't tried one of those yet! Since ex-T is my mom's age).

Yes a closer age woman might be good. I don't like the vibe i get from him off your posts. I feel its only gonna get worse. I went 2x in a row once. I hated it. Lol

Hopefully it helps you make the right choice. I would nevee work with a t who was creeped out by me in any way. That's me though.

Freaking out about seeing you

I don't think the demographics of the T are as important as finding someone comfortable with working with transference