[starryprince]

Hi all. It's been a while since I've been on this forum and I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry, this will be long...

I've gotten a new therapist and I've been with her for a little over 2 months now and something happened this past weekend that made me feel uncomfortable. I don't know if I'm overanalyzing but some of the things that have happened are:

-She knows my social anxiety is bad. I have been making efforts for the past two years to meet new people and I've gone to groups, art shows, even some lowkey parties, and I made two new friends from it. However, I've been becoming more reserved (maybe since I just started a new job?) and I want to get back out there but if I put myself in a situation that's too big for me, I dissociate and I have to get out of there. So her solution was to give me an assignment: go to a restaurant and talk to random people there. That is too big for me and, needless to say, I couldn't do it.

-I've gotten into some situations with people I've just met (they're very nice; we just haven't seen eye to eye on some things, which is natural) and I always try to see things from other people's point of views. The problem is that the sessions always end up being about the other person and how they felt and how I have to make things right and it's rarely about my feelings but twisting my feelings around to focus on the other person.

This is the big one:
So for Mother's Day I got my mom and grandma a bouquet of flowers. I got my mom a big bouquet (because she's my mom) and I got my grandma a smaller bouquet of roses, since my mom was going to get her some gifts. My grandma is very expressive. She didn't like the bouquet. Then when my mom got her some new clothes as a gift, she said, "Clothes AGAIN?" My grandma is like that. So I told my therapist about how I was a bit annoyed with my grandma. Now she knows my grandma was sexually abusive to me as a child and emotionally abusive for around 20 years (she still gaslights even now). She said to me, "Are you sure you're not seeing your grandma's behaviors through tinted lens? Because sometimes when we have a bad past with a person, even their breathing annoys us." Then she said, "You're going to have to pardon your grandma at some point. I have a friend and, I'm not saying this is you, but she had a hard time forgiving someone and I told her, 'Don't you think it's a bit egotistical holding that over someone's head for so long?'" I don't know why that hurt so much. Maybe because it felt like it was indirectly made towards me. I got frustrated and she said, "You have a short fuse." So I said, "I apologize for being frustrated. I just feel like we talk so much about other people's point of views that my feelings are invalidated." Her solution? She wants to me to talk about my emotional and sexual abuse next time we meet. I said I was nervous, to which she replied, "We don't see each other next week so you'll have time to prepare."

My thing is that it took me over a year to talk about my abuse with my old therapist, and she was patient. I don't think I'm ready for that as yet and the whole thing has me nervous. I feel like I'm being pushed too much and...I dunno. I don't get that empathy from this new therapist like I did from my old therapist.

I leave each session thinking, "Am I a good person?" I've been questioning that since I started therapy and I don't think that's a good sign.

I tend to overanalyze and I don't want to do that in this situation but I feel like I'm going too fast and my feelings aren't being taken into consideration.

Am I making too much out of this?

Thanks to everyone who read this. I know this was a lot. >__<

No, I really don't think you're making too much about it. This therapist sounds...judgmental and lacks empathy

[JaneTennison1]

Not making too much of this, she invalidates your story when she tells you to forgive, this is your story and your pain and you get to do with it what you choose, you "forgive" in your own time if at all.

I'm so sorry, can you look for a new T?

This T is not holding your feelings in any kind of regard but instead trying to find a solution to them and asserting her solution is the right way. Btw if she said to me what she said to her friend, I don't think we would be friends anymore.

[autonoe]

That sounds really judgmental and inappropriate. I don't know how anyone could fault you for the feelings you have toward your grandma, with all that you have said about her here. I'd be looking for a new T.

[toomanycats]

I would very much like to crotch-kick your therapist.
That is all.

[weaverbeaver]

I really disagree with ts promoting forgiveness. Who the he’ll does your t think she is that she can spout that kinda crap at you.
I am sorry I get so annoyed but nobody can say whether your grandma needs to be forgiven only you and it seems like you are only beginning to process the horrors of what she has actually done to you.
Your t is completely invalidating and dictating your sessions. She wants you to talk about the sexual abuse next week, I want to win the lotto but that doesn’t mean it will happen.
Do you feel your t is in charge because this is your therapy and you can talk about what you need to and when you need to.
Your feelings matter too. I am very angry at your t. How do you feel about your relationship with her?

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I would very much like to crotch-kick your therapist.

That is all.

Get in line

[feileacan]

Is there something good about this therapist, too? Does she get something about you very well? Is she very sensitive and empathic in some very important points? If no, then in your situation I would see no reason to continue seeing this T - this clearly isn't a match.

Just because someone advertises themselves as a therapist doesn't make them suitable in working with people and function as a therapist. And it seems to me that not seeing a therapist is better than seeing terrible one.

What does your gut feeling say about this therapist? Do you feel comfortable seeing her? Do you feel she is on your side? If not then better look for someone else because this person cannot help you.

[Amyjay]

Ooh. Well.
Starryprince you do not EVER have to forgive your grandma. I mean you are welcome to if you want to.... but if you never forgive her for the criminal and obscene acts she committed against you then so be it.
Why on earth would she tell you to talk about your abuse next time you meet? Who one earth is she to dictate your timeline and pathway of healing?
The things you have written about your T would be more than enough for me personally to not return to her again. From what you have written she is actively disempowering you. I don't find disempowerment helpful in any way at all myself.

[Daisy Dead Petals]

I completely understand why you found your T's comments invalidating. Her approach seems much too simplistic and lacking in empathy for an issue as complex as abuse.

[seeker33]

This T doesn't seem empathetic at all and I personally would not continue working with him. I would never talk to a friend like this, and treating a client this way is unacceptable!

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

No, I really don't think you're making too much about it. This therapist sounds...judgmental and lacks empathy

Thanks a lot. I've noticed that she's a bit distant and cold and has little to no emotion when I talk about things that bother me. I'm not saying she has to be super emotional but my last therapist was gentle and I could see she was putting herself in my shoes. -sighs-

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Not making too much of this, she invalidates your story when she tells you to forgive, this is your story and your pain and you get to do with it what you choose, you "forgive" in your own time if at all.

I'm so sorry, can you look for a new T?

This T is not holding your feelings in any kind of regard but instead trying to find a solution to them and asserting her solution is the right way. Btw if she said to me what she said to her friend, I don't think we would be friends anymore.

Thank you. I had a problem with her using the word "pardon". We were talking about how forgiveness can be about the other person but my issue was that she was focused on me forgiving my grandma and "pardoning" her. I have a problem with that, too, with the fact that she is trying to come up with these ways of helping me but I should be able to go at my own pace. And same! I would be offended if I were her friend. =/

I'm thinking of looking for a new T but...-sighs- I don't want to come off as hot headed, you know? She already thinks I have a "short fuse". But I keep trying to remind myself that my feelings come first. My mom is super pissed at my therapist, though, and wants me to see a new one. I'm going to give her a few more chances and see how things go.

Originally Posted by autonoe

That sounds really judgmental and inappropriate. I don't know how anyone could fault you for the feelings you have toward your grandma, with all that you have said about her here. I'd be looking for a new T.

Thank you. I thought it was just me that thought she was being judgmental. It's hard for me to get close to my grandma. I've tried for so long but when I see that she's being nice it comes back to bite me every time. Of course I would be on guard. =/

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I would very much like to crotch-kick your therapist.
That is all.

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

Get in line

Ahaha! Thanks a lot!

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by autonoe

That sounds really judgmental and inappropriate. I don't know how anyone could fault you for the feelings you have toward your grandma, with all that you have said about her here. I'd be looking for a new T.

Thanks a lot. I'm going to give her a few more chances and see how it goes. If I see that the same thing is happening, then I'll start looking for a new one.

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

I really disagree with ts promoting forgiveness. Who the he’ll does your t think she is that she can spout that kinda crap at you.
I am sorry I get so annoyed but nobody can say whether your grandma needs to be forgiven only you and it seems like you are only beginning to process the horrors of what she has actually done to you.
Your t is completely invalidating and dictating your sessions. She wants you to talk about the sexual abuse next week, I want to win the lotto but that doesn’t mean it will happen.
Do you feel your t is in charge because this is your therapy and you can talk about what you need to and when you need to.
Your feelings matter too. I am very angry at your t. How do you feel about your relationship with her?

Thank you, you're right. I've started processing it a couple of years ago but the problem is that I still live with her. I try to get close to her but it doesn't work out well. I keep telling my therapist that my feelings are valid but they either say "yes" or don't say anything. So I don't know...I'm so confused. =/ I'm really nervous to talk about my past with her because I feel like I won't be validated but I will see how it goes. =/ I feel like my T is in charge some times. As for how do I feel about my relationship with her...I don't know. I was very pleased with her in the beginning because I liked the fact that she challenged me and I liked the weekly assignments but then the pace quickly got too fast.

Originally Posted by feileacan

Is there something good about this therapist, too? Does she get something about you very well? Is she very sensitive and empathic in some very important points? If no, then in your situation I would see no reason to continue seeing this T - this clearly isn't a match.

Just because someone advertises themselves as a therapist doesn't make them suitable in working with people and function as a therapist. And it seems to me that not seeing a therapist is better than seeing terrible one.

What does your gut feeling say about this therapist? Do you feel comfortable seeing her? Do you feel she is on your side? If not then better look for someone else because this person cannot help you.

Well, we connect on us being people of color and being queer but even with that she fights me on it. I told her that I have a hard time getting close to my grandmother because she is homophobic. My grandmother told me, "I love you but I don't love that part of you" and my therapist thought it was a great thing that she said she loved me and she told me, "I have a good friend who's homophobic. You can't change people." I know I can't change people. I know my grandma won't change, but the homophobia hurts since I can't talk about myself in my house. I have to literally whisper with my mom. -sighs-

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Ooh. Well.
Starryprince you do not EVER have to forgive your grandma. I mean you are welcome to if you want to.... but if you never forgive her for the criminal and obscene acts she committed against you then so be it.
Why on earth would she tell you to talk about your abuse next time you meet? Who one earth is she to dictate your timeline and pathway of healing?
The things you have written about your T would be more than enough for me personally to not return to her again. From what you have written she is actively disempowering you. I don't find disempowerment helpful in any way at all myself.

Thank you. That's a great word to use, "disempowerment". That describes what's going on with me. I don't think I can forgive her or pardon her...I would like to but I think I have to move out and spend some time away from her for me to consider it.

Originally Posted by Daisy Dead Petals

I completely understand why you found your T's comments invalidating. Her approach seems much too simplistic and lacking in empathy for an issue as complex as abuse.

Thank you. I think it is simplistic and difficult at the same time. She seems to think that those are easy things to do, but I can't go in a restaurant when it's busy and talk to people. That's too much for me.

Originally Posted by seeker33

This T doesn't seem empathetic at all and I personally would not continue working with him. I would never talk to a friend like this, and treating a client this way is unacceptable!

Thank you, I wouldn't talk to a friend like this, either. I was surprised when she said this.

[starryprince]

Thanks a lot for the support and validation everyone. I really appreciate it!

[Wonderfalls]

I don't disagree with you but I think it's worth talking about with her before you drop her altogether since it's so hard to find even a pretty good therapist. The fact that you actually live with your grandmother makes a HUGE difference.

Just as a petty remark since you brought it up, her assignment is stupid.. You can make a few comments to the grocery clerk about the weather or your cat, but people expect privacy at a restaurant.

[satsuma]

Yes totally agree about the restaurant, it's a minor problem out of all the stuff you wrote but still a really bad idea.

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Wonderfalls

I don't disagree with you but I think it's worth talking about with her before you drop her altogether since it's so hard to find even a pretty good therapist. The fact that you actually live with your grandmother makes a HUGE difference.

Just as a petty remark since you brought it up, her assignment is stupid.. You can make a few comments to the grocery clerk about the weather or your cat, but people expect privacy at a restaurant.

Originally Posted by satsuma

Yes totally agree about the restaurant, it's a minor problem out of all the stuff you wrote but still a really bad idea.

Thank you, and I agree with you! I told her that when she makes the sessions about other people it invalidates my feelings, and her solution was to tell me to talk about my abuse for our next session. I told her I was nervous about it and she said that it was good that I have some time to prepare before our next session. I also told her that it was hard to pardon my grandmother since I live with her, but she wasn't phased by that.

I'll talk to her again when I see her. I want to give her a couple of more sessions, like a month or two. If I see things aren't changing, then I'll start looking for another therapist.

And yes, I thought the restaurant idea was too big for me and I was thinking, "People go there to eat. They don't want to talk to strangers."

[starryprince]

Update:
So I took some people's advice on here and I spoke to my therapist yesterday. I don't even know how to describe the session...I told her I was uncomfortable talking about the abuse and she said, "Well let's talk about why you're uncomfortable." I said that it felt like we were just talking about it to validate her invalidating comments, and that I feel like it was too soon to talk about it. So she kept asking why, but I already explained it...So then we started talking about my grandma's homophobia, since that's a big issue; I can't change her but it still sucks because I'd like to be close to her but my guard is always up, and I'd like to be myself in my own home instead of whispering about who I like or anything related to queerness. She, AGAIN, brought up her homophobic friends and she said, "One of them is very homophobic and she beats her son if he only does something that's deemed a bit feminine because she's so afraid of him turning gay. And we're really good friends." So I was shocked and I blurted out, "She BEATS her son?" And she said, "Well, not really beat but jostles him around." How can you be friends with someone like that? She keeps bringing them up and I keep telling her, "I can't be friends with homophobes..." And she said, "I'm not telling you to do that!" I feel like my feelings weren't getting through to her...I want to give her more chances because I always think I'm overanalyzing things because I internalized what my grandma said but I'm working on that!

However, this is the problem: I'm trans and I'm getting surgery and I need a letter from my therapist. My old therapist was hesitant to write the letter although we knew each other for 3 years (she was still great) and this new therapist will write the letter because of a new program that's started for trans people who need letters...So I might have to stay with her until I get the letter for my appointment with the surgeon in August...

So...I'm in a bind. -sighs-

[nikon]

I'm really sorry to hear you're in this situation!
are there any online contacts you have - trans communities online - that can maybe point you in the direction of trans-friendly therapists in your area? i'm trans too and have had a couple of terrible therapists. i mean, i know the letter is of utmost importance but having to listen to that **** from your therapist does damage, and it would be great if you could find someone else, especially if you're going to see them for more than just the referral letter.
why was your old therapist not keen to write the letter?

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by nikon

I'm really sorry to hear you're in this situation!
are there any online contacts you have - trans communities online - that can maybe point you in the direction of trans-friendly therapists in your area? i'm trans too and have had a couple of terrible therapists. i mean, i know the letter is of utmost importance but having to listen to that **** from your therapist does damage, and it would be great if you could find someone else, especially if you're going to see them for more than just the referral letter.
why was your old therapist not keen to write the letter?

Thanks a lot, Nikon! The only trans communities I know of are on Facebook and I don't have FB. There's a trans forum on here that I might post on to see what advice I might get. I agree with what you said about my therapist, and I'm also paying for the sessions, too, since I switched insurance companies because of my job and now it's not covered anymore. As for why my old therapist wasn't keen on writing the letter, I think it was because I'm nonbinary trans and she just thought it was about my gender presentation and not my gender identity. She didn't really get it. :/ It seemed like she was genuinely confused about what it means to be nonbinary, since she has binary trans friends and she doesn't know much about nonbinary gender identities.

I was excited to see this therapist but I leave each session feeling down. She is REALLY pressuring me to talk about my abuse, so I'm not sure what else to do, besides look for a new therapist. I think that's my only option. -sighs-

[Favorite Jeans]

I can't see the forest for the WTF...

I really can't even. Like I'm trying to write a coherent answer with logical points and it's too hard.

I'm gonna try to summarize though: the therapist isn't good at therapizing. You don't have to be emotionally or otherwise generous to someone who sexually abused you. I can't believe that the therapist's first priority isn't your feelings, your experiences, your truth. It's really the least you can ask for. The whole point of therapy is that you matter.

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I can't see the forest for the WTF...

I really can't even. Like I'm trying to write a coherent answer with logical points and it's too hard.

I'm gonna try to summarize though: the therapist isn't good at therapizing. You don't have to be emotionally or otherwise generous to someone who sexually abused you. I can't believe that the therapist's first priority isn't your feelings, your experiences, your truth. It's really the least you can ask for. The whole point of therapy is that you matter.

Thanks a lot for the validation. Yea, this whole thing has thrown me off course. Some people aren't a good fit for their careers and that's her. Speaking up doesn't help at all. I've been trying that and she's just not getting it. And you're right: therapy should be client centered. She tells me not the bring my other family members opinions about my grandma into the conversation, which makes sense, but she brings up her friends all the time. I'm tired. I'm looking into other places that take my insurance so I don't have to continue wasting money. The letter issue is the big thing, though. It's like I'm stuck everywhere I go. This year started off great and all of a sudden problems ate popping up out of nowhere...

Originally Posted by starryprince

She, AGAIN, brought up her homophobic friends and she said, "One of them is very homophobic and she beats her son if he only does something that's deemed a bit feminine because she's so afraid of him turning gay. And we're really good friends." So I was shocked and I blurted out, "She BEATS her son?" And she said, "Well, not really beat but jostles him around."

Just want to address this part. It's abuse. I've witnessed it done frequently to a sibling and it's abuse. Your therapist not saying "that's wrong"...plus other comments you've described about her... she's not a safe person. You're better off looking for a genuinely LGBTQ affirming therapist. Many say they ARE, when they're not.

Personally I would find it extremely painful to work with a therapist who thinks it's OK to beat a gender non conforming kid for gender non conforming behaviour. That's abuse. And personally I cannot be friends with that people who think such abuse is OK.

And why do some people, including some therapists, like to push forgiveness? Forgiveness is NOT a prerequisite to healing, nor is it necessarily a goal "everyone should have". . If it happens, it happens.

Empowerment is so critical for us survivors and your therapist is being really harmful.

Some people say this kind of pushing that your therapist is doing is spiritual abuse.

I've a non binary friend who had to ditch several therapists before finding one that's a good fit. Their therapist is one who understands and treats complex trauma from various abuses including CSA, plus is a qualified gender therapist.

Best of luck. You deserve better.

[SalingerEsme]

No, no , no. The therapist is not well trained in trauma at the very least, or is a bad apple Imo. That is hurtful and dehumanizing, both her invective to "pardon" and her weird off pitch stories about her psycho friend. I have literally never written this before: you have to fire her. I agree with quiet mind she is an unsafe person, and there ARE safe people for you.

Years ago, I had a student transition. He was born as an intersex person, and his parents made th e decision to make him a girl, and he lived as a girl until puberty. My class of 12th graders were so respectful and listening; he would say as someone intersex, my view on this passage in the novel is xyz, and the other kids would engage that as a legitimate and valuable viewpoint, and there was a ton of peer pressure to do so.

I feel like your T is giving you less safety than my class.

Your T should understand herself thoroughly if cisfemale yes, but even if she hasn't iexplored within herself and out into culture, there's a level of empathy beneath which sh falls not just as a T but as a human, from your description.

Sorry for being fired up about this, maybe more than is helpful. I just feel we are all vulnerable in the patient/ T relationship, and they are called upon to honor that.

[Erebos]

I am struggling to see what exactly she is qualified to be.

A therapist she is not.

I don't even know what to say about her child abusing "friend".

It's like she has taken some aspects of being a therapist and applied them to her friendships.

This constant "I" And "My" do this, in an attempt to invalidate your thoughts, feelings and experiences is just a no no.

You have to forgive your abuser?
Do you though?

It's like she likes the idea of being a T but has no idea how to actually apply the theory.

Hope your able to find a T better suited to your needs.