Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

Dear T,
I need to figure out how to make it through these down times that I inevitably go through. H bought a huge item (brand new car) for D who doesn't have a job. I have no choice but to change things, including both how I react, how I communicate, how I handle things, and how to let it go after that. It feels like I don't have a chance. Hence the term I feel nonexistent, or maybe I feel existent but disregarded/disrespected. Right now I feel really sad and emotional. I a dreading going to work the next three weeks. I wanted to just go once to see you, but if it is okay, twice a week is really being helpful at this time. I want so badly to cry, but I can't. I wonder when I will explode. Thank you for your help.

I was doing well for a week. Should have had a session then. Tues will be a waste.

Dear T,

I need to talk but I don't see you until Thursday. Maybe I'll shoot you an e-mail, I don't know, beginning to feel a bit hopeless.

-Butterfly

F**k I miss you, R.

t i've been doing my homework for school but it's time for a break from that, so i thought i'd work on my therapy homework for a bit, and i found that box of my dad's old pastels, so i'm going to use those to do the drawing. kinda more than just a bit symbolic eh??? thanks again for the +3.

I hate you, you stupid son of a...

I miss you. Some days I just miss you so, so much.

There's some questions that I would love to ask you. But I can't. I wish I could but I can't.

Why would you tell me you found me to be challenge but not explain what that meant?

Oh and I love you. And I'm in love with you. And I know it will be okay because I trust you and I trust myself.

I am SOOOO full of sadness. I'm sad that I'm not normal. I'm afraid because I have to go to work tomorrow. I know I was in a "good" mood sometime this weekend that felt good, but now I feel horrible. I think I fell off the mountain I was climbing. I feel so unstable that I desperately need you to stay stable/the same. I feel like my brain is lost in space and I feel ungrounded. During these times, it is difficult to hold on to your stability and to know you are still here like always. I think I am making progress, just based on the fact that I felt better and that my so-called humor seems to be returning. I have noticed this at work, but only during lunchtime. I hope you are still around.

How come knowing for 100% certain that the strength of these feelings towards you is due to transference and not to do with who you are does nothing, NOTHING, to change them?

Dear Info,

I’m in very bad shape tonight. Not the worst I’ve ever been, but wanting to hurt myself. Yeah, yeah, I have a good enough hold of myself that I won’t do that, but having the feeling is still awful.

ATAT

oh, regret.

damn it all anyway.

I'm so afraid that memories of you would fade. So. Afraid.
But I would always love you no matter what. Always.

Two things:

I was driving home from getting groceries when I realized that I may not need to leave. There's been some ongoing miscommunication between us, and if you're still willing, I think I can continue to see you. But with everything that's happened, I don't know that I can or that I want to.

I know you’re super busy, but I really wanted to hear from you this weekend. It would have made me so happy. I can’t wait to see you at class tomorrow. Please don’t wear your ugly cuff links.

Dear T,

I'm kind of mad that you told me to call if I wanted to talk this weekend, and that if you didn't answer you'd get back to me when you could. It was so hard for me to make that call, only for you to text me back a few hours later to tell me that you're unable to talk tonight. Maybe it's my bad for trusting that you would call me back or my bad for saying that I wouldn't be able to talk during a 1 hour timeframe because we were supposed to see MC tonight. Maybe if I wouldn't have said that you would have called. I wish I could see you for 90 minutes tomorrow...is that ever a possibility? See you in the morning...thanks for switching that for me at least.

Do I ever cross your mind once you leave the office?

Do I turn up tomorrow or not?

I really don't know yet.

I'm still mad at you.

I noticed you changed your facebook profile picture, so did your wife. Hers has your daughter in the center, and you on the outside with a stupid grin on your face -you won't ever look at me like that.

Dear Former T. Wow, really missing you today for some reason. Dear Tony the Tiger T. I see you in two days. Am I anxious? Am I looking forward to it? Am I dreading it? How about all three. Kit.

Dear T,
I feel really connected to you after today's session, and it scares me.
Love,
LT

What flag do you put up when you could do with some help, but you're not ready to surrender yet?

*frantically waving that one*

Dear T, I eff'd up and rescheduled our last appt., knowing full well it was a bad idea. Due to this being your busy time of year, our appt was already 2 weeks out, then the reschedule required me to wait another 3 weeks. I didn't ask to be put on your wait list for an earlier opening and I know I could have, but then why reschedule in the first place, right?
On one hand, I felt I had to. Work got crazy busy and leaving early would have been extra difficult that day or even that week. I needed to take care of work things. Not myself. After all, what's more important?
I am stubborn and I know I'm functioning, but I also know that the depression cycles and I get caught up in it.
I feel like I'm sitting on the side of a well, knowing full well what safety precautions I should take, and then decide I don't need them. Soon after I fall in...head first. Sitting at the bottom, arms crossed, pissed off and frustrated because I can't get out on my own. Dumb ***.
See you Thursday, assuming I don't cancel again...