T asked for help

You deserve so much better than that. I hope you can find the inner strength to follow your gut instinct and say no to her request. You will most likely be very hurt in the end. I think you know that as well. Like I said, you deserve better.

She might be a bit stuck but she is an adult and responsible for figuring this out for herself. She will be able to. It might not be easy for her but she will be ok. However, if you help her you may not be ok. I have followed your story a bit and she raises quite a few red flags. I wonder if you think it might be helpful to get a consult with another T for another perspective?

In a very misdirected way this is sort of like an abuse of power in that.. well she doesnt necessarily have power over you, the balance of power or air of authority makes her request even worse. Almost like you should feel obligated to say yes or it would jeapordize your therapy or at least make it uncomfortable.

No. Just no. This does not sound good to me at all.

This is a straight up abuse of power.

Also, if a professional can't help here, why does she think you can? Surely there are more people she can contact. It sounds like she has VERY poor boundaries. And the attractive compliment is a no-no. If you have any co-dependent tendencies, beware the waif behaviors. She's a grown-*** woman. I'm sure she can pick up the phone and call a few people. A local church. A community organization. Someone else other than her THERAPY CLIENT.

What is it you're hoping to get from this thread?

Seriously, I'm interested.
. I mean unless you're a minor that is being led at gun point to help. I'm not sure what your reasoning is here.

Thanks for the empathy

I don’t think my t is abusing her power. I had the opportunity to say no. I genuinely want to help her but I know it’s caused problems and ruptured before.
I would help anyone that asked me not just t.

I think it is an abuse of power, and the reason it is different to other relationships is that she knows you will have trouble saying no, and crucially, your therapy will be negatively affected.

One of a therapist's ethical duties is to uphold the autonomy of the client. By asking you when she knows you will have trouble saying no she is failing in that duty. That is by definition an abuse of power.

I'm sorry you have been put in this position.

ETA: here's what the BACP ethical framework says:

You may not see it as abuse of power, but it is considered abuse of power by professional ethical standards. The reason for that is that a client is in a more vulnerable position than a therapist. Much more vulnerable. Not only does it make it more difficult for a client to say no to a therapist than to say no to other people, but it also makes a therapist unable to fulfill their professional duties because a dual relationship wouldn't allow a therapist to be as objective as they should be.

Regardless of how you see it, the professional code of ethics sees it as abuse of power. It's just a fact.

I get where you're coming from, weaverbeaver. C helped the previous therapist a few times with her computer. She didn't feel compelled. I think it actually felt nice to her to be able to help that therapist with her own expertise in some small way. So it was beneficial to her as well as that therapist, actually. However, that therapist wasn't always doing weird stuff like your therapist seems to have a habit of doing and C didn't have all sorts of drama and ruptures happening all the time with that therapist. I know you're attached to your therapist, but it also seems like the reason she has asked you to do this isn't because she actually thinks it's ok, but because, as you said, the professionals she's contacted can't help her (which sounds like a load of crap, but whatever).

Abuses of power are a very very slippery slope. I love helping people. I've actually spent the better part of my life doing it. But it often has been to my detriment. I'll admit that I have helped people in the past because I had an awful family and wanted to be loved.

I don't know what your therapists is asking, but I can tell you that requests from my therapist started out slowly. In the end, I was probably doing 3X the work for him in terms of hours than our weekly sessions, and he was pouty and throwing tantrums when I had to take time to figure things out. In this case, he could have hired a professional (or a different professional since technically I am one), but he had "reasons" it wasn't working out. (The previous person in the job quit on him because therapist did something similar with him).

The fact that an issue in therapists life was even raised means that part of your therapy seems inappropriately focused on her. It should be all on you. So you can heal and get better and have your own life.

If you asked me in the beginning how I felt about my therapist and our dual relationship, I was actually proud of it. I felt special. I felt loved. He told me he loved me and that I was one of his favorite people in his life. I have hundreds of emails from him. I thought it was good for me. But now I look back and it was so absurd, and I had to go to therapy to get over therapy. In our time together, I gave him lots of gifts, helped him with many issues, spent far far too much of my own therapy time on him, and I paid him to have a dual relationship. And when I started to pull back, he attacked me verbally in pages of emails. And then I realized I had been in a cloud.

It took a couple of months (and emergency intensive therapy with someone else) for me to realize how much I lost in this dual relationship, and also instead of working on my trauma, I went even deeper into the hole of co-dependency.

In the end, I'm glad I came out of that cloud. I tell you this because the absolute hell of realizing the abuse is not something I want anyone to experience. Even fellow strangers on the internet

I've learned it's really important for me to now ask myself, what is the driving force? Why do I want to help someone? Is there any hidden issues where I'm trying to be loved? Am I actually afraid if I don't help a certain person that they won't love me anymore?

I hope this makes sense. I have a TBI and sometimes it's hard to shape sentences together.

It does make sense and I see where you are coming from in it turning into a slippery slope.
Ivan relate to a lot of your reasons. I just want t to love me. I would do anything for her. I feel that if I don’t do this it will impact our relationship. I am extremely busy professionally and have had to set aside time every week but I am willing to sacrifice that.
I can imagine your shock and confusion when your t noticed you pulling back and started to become verbally abusive. That sounds very traumatic.
My t has never really verbally abused me- I would be devastated if she did.

There is some co dependency going on, I am trying to please her. She has been a big part of my life for the last 7 years. I would feel devastated with out her.

Sometimes, it feels like we are not working together therapeutically but more mutual friendship. I know that this is not the case and would probably disagree. She has shared a lot about her personal life and I know she is going through a very tricky situation and there are not many people she can really ask for help now. I offered before and she felt it wasn’t right so I know she is really stuck.
I also know that I am coming to her rescue which is another part of my own process of rescuing others.
I kinda wish this wasn’t so complicated, why can’t I just be able to separate our personal and professional relationship and just get on with it.

She carefully thought about the consequences for a long time now. It’s not like she randomly asked me. I appreciate that she took a lot of time to think it over first.

I don’t believe she would have asked if there was anybody else she could have asked.
It’s only going to be for an hour every week so it’s not really taking advantage of the situation.
I will enjoy doing this but I worry it will ultimately change the dynamic we have had.

Did you phone ask Kathleen?

Not yet Echoes, simply because I think I know what they will say and I won’t like it.
I know everyone is right but somehow I want to believe that they aren’t. Does that make sense?

Course it makes sense! We are all human. One thing I try and do, not always successfully, is research a decision and then make it. It may be made against the weight of advice but I've made it in full knowledge and consideration of that advice. Then I tell myself, do not regret the decion if it turns out not what you wanted. You made the best decision for you at the time. Now no regrets just deal with the consequences. Good luck!

Once a T blurs the line you no longer have that person in the capacity of our therapist. I can not go into therapy to unload my petty bull crap to a therapist if I know about his pain and suffering or hard times he is having at home. OMG Especially if it so much worse than mine. Weaverbeaver go help your therapist but now go find a new therapist so you can still get help for the reason you are in therapy to begin with.

I have a sense that you find comfort in posters encouraging you to view your therapist's behaviours as exploitative or abuses of power. It is common for you to post descriptions of your therapist/therapy which contain examples of poor practice (of which you seem conscious, otherwise you wouldn't post) in order to subsequently defend your therapist and your reactions to her. There is surely some strong transferential stuff going on here - negative transference towards her which you want others to voice for you? Something projective? You seek others to voice the indignation which you can't fully allow yourself to feel?

I was replying to OP, not you. Stand down, soldier.

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I am not trying to pick on you so please do not think that. What you have stated above is not healthy. You should not want your T to love you and you should be in the position of thinking you would do anything for her. If that is really how you feel than I am not sure what exactly you are looking for. You say she needs help not related to your therapy-and worry about saying no-but now you are saying you want her to love you and would do anything for her. I guess I am confused and no disrespect intended.

This is very insightful.

I am sorry but she is taking advantage of you. Her personal life is of no concern to you. It is not your business but she made it your business. No, she isnt mean and abusive but she is behaving unethically and using her authority to manipulate you. You are trying to cope and develop healthy boundaries and she is blurring them.

I think that the fact that you are willing to post about this, knowing that you will get many responses all pretty much stating the opposite of what you want to hear, is progress. Sometimes when I've been on the cusp of making changes, I'm exactly in this place of doing the opposite of what I know would probably be best for me.

I think if you could help your T without any cost to yourself-- including your time (unless you can really spare it)-- then maybe it would feel differently. What feels a little heartbreaky to me is that you feel if you refuse her request, then your T relationship will change for the worse. Doing it freely is one thing, but doing it out of fear of losing her in some way is where it feels exploitive.

But it sounds like you and she had a conversation about this. If you want to share--- was this addressed? Did she assure you that you could refuse freely, or if she did, do you not believe her?

These are good questions. I also wonder--since you said this will require multiple visits, what happens if you go the first time and then feel really weird about it. Would you feel comfortable saying you'd rather not help her anymore?

Thank you, I really needed to hear this. We are human and can make mistakes. I think this is one I need to make in order to learn from it!

I am not sure what it is, could be all of the above. Definitely some transference, positive and negative!
I post because I have a sense something is amiss and I want to check what others think. I know my t is anything but orthodox. She is crossed boundaries but gone above and beyond for me too. I just want to do something for her.

Thank you, perhaps it would be easier to be friends with her and have a different t.

Probably not. I am very anxious about it so maybe I am imagining all the worst case scenarios first.


Thank you for your honest response. Reading it made me wonder what is my intention with t. Maybe I am seducing her!
I never asked about her personal life but she told me about things that are happening.
I don’t have healthy boundaries so I do blame myself for this. I had offered last year to help her with this and she declined but now she has no one else to help.


We didn’t address losing her. We discussed how she had thought tambour asking me for a long time.
I would liked to have discussed more about boundaries and how to keep that separate from my therapy but time was up.
I can relate, I often know the decision is wrong but I do it anyway. I know she doesn’t mean any harm or isn’t exploiting me but I don’t think she has really thought about what this means for me. Thank you for your help