Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

What I texted to my former T: Dear L, no need to respond. Just wanted to tell you I wish I could see you. To sit in your office with you and feel safe and secure for one hour would be amazing and so reassuring this week. Trying to conjure up those feelings just by thinking of you. Crying a bit. Miss you. Love you. Kit (of course secretly I wish she would respond, but it's not necessary. I just wanted to be heard.)

Treble Clef,

I felt kind of offended by two different things you said today.

-Butterfly

I need to vent and can’t find the space to do it. That’s where you were useful to an extent.

My doctor is gone for the rest of the month too. Normally not a big deal, but the fact that Creepy Doc is still head doc and I hate going there because of that + the fact that you're gone + the reason I was going in all added up to me feeling stupidly upset about it. I trust him with this stuff. I don't like the patronizing NP I had to see instead. I feel abandoned. I don't want to care. It seems so stupid. And it's not like "my therapist is away" is an upsetting thing I can bring up with anyone else without sounding crazy.
I'm still mad at you.

I'm not happy with you right now. All this talking is not helping. I'm not better. I feel worse. Where are we going? What is the purpose of all this? Do you even know what we are doing or we are improvising?

Thank you for understanding. So much. Words really cannot express the depth of my appreciation. I will call when I am ready to come back. You're right at least I can talk about it now, the why behind my need to take breaks.

oh and "Saga email" - that really made me chuckle as I drove away!! Moi, send saga emails? I don't know what you could be talking about. Hahaha.

For the most part I otherwise like her. Every once in awhile I work up the courage to tell her I don’t like something the dog did. It’s also partially my fault because sometimes she’ll ask if I want it out of the room and I’ll say it’s okay to stay because I know how much she loves it.

ExT i spent all yesterday and some of today in thinking up revenge scenarios.

Am I just a child to you? I hate being treated like a child by other adults. I don't care about the age gap, don't belittle me. I will find some kind of 'adult' way of articulating this but I can't right now. I'm frustrated with you.

I'm finding it really difficult to reconcile the fact you care about me with wanting my money. I've never experienced anything like this before. I've just accepted it - after all, therapists need to keep a roof over their head. It's not a voluntary profession -lots of training and emotional investment goes into being a T.. But with you, it's making me really angry. If I stopped paying altogether, would you still care? Would you turn your back on me? Would that be it????

Maybe she sees the dog as a therapy dog? Some ts use them. That said, I completely understand your feelings and your T shouldn't allow it to jump up and lick you. My T has a dog but it doesn't come into the therapy room. Just as well really as I'm a dog lover and it would be a distraction (in a different way!).

Thank you again for your response to my text last night. It was just what I needed.

I know I'm your favourite

I also decided against going home.

Of course you are! Lemoncake is everyones favorite! Halo top diet ice cream even made a flavor after you!

Pardon me for sticking my nose in!

Awww you're such a cutie.

( You can stick your nose anytime you want)

Thank you for calling me back last night. I got nervous since I already saw you in the morning and your voicemail message is different than you used to have it. Stupid reading between the lines but it feels like you might have changed your thought on calling between sessions or the weekend since you did that and haven't said I could call you the past few weeks.

You're the sweetest. I'm glad we have figured all that out a bit. I have lots of questions about your semi-retirement. Will you keep your website? Will you be available fewer days each week? Will you be starting to think of our work in terms of when we will end? Will you be taking on any new clients at all?

Dear ex-DrT,
So I've been going between anger at you, feeling hurt by you, and brief moments of sadness about the end of the relationship. Like, crying for a minute, maybe wanting to contact you, then it's gone. The anger and hurt parts have been lasting much longer (well, and periods where I feel nothing related to you at all). Not sure if it will continue this way, but the anger is easier in a way to deal with than the sadness. Because then I can put it on you more. Instead of on me. I feel you let your true feelings about me come out Monday. And they weren't good ones. Then again, I let some not-so-good feelings about you come out as well. I think maybe we were each just done with the other? I don't know...Maybe eventually, we can sit down and have a civil conversation about what happened, Perhaps even talk about my progress. But not anytime in the near future. Because I feel it would just be ugly. I want to have positive memories about my relationship with you, but I'm just struggling to have them right now. I can recognize progress I've made, certainly. But I'm talking more about the relationship. Maybe it's easier if those just stay out of my mind. And I can focus on the new T. I've replaced you with a younger, artsier model. Haven't figured out yet if more sensitive and caring, but it wouldn't really take much...
LT

Dear T,

I hate when you lead group, it makes me tense.

I also hate talking about the BPD diagnosis. I wish I could have talked more about it in group (it felt a little like you were chastising me for talking about it professionally rather than personally).



I don't feel good. I really want to email you but I won't because I'm trying to have more self-control and because falling apart over talking about BPD is so effing BPD and I still don't want you to think I have that. Also because I hate it when I send emails and you don't respond.



Also holy crap your wife picked you up from work with the kids in the car and that was weird. And the only reason I know it was your wife (other than the fact that you were walking towards the car with them in it) is because I've googled her. God, I hate myself.

ALSO, I really wanted to tell you I'm reading that David Mann book. I don't think we're done with the erotic just yet.

-c

Wow. That was rather intense for a bit yesterday. Still feeling it today. I wrote a poem about that phrase you told me that really does perfectly describe what you are to me. I researched it a bit last night. And ordered that dude's book that I will read while I am on my break. Thank you for the writing prompt also, I feel like it will be really helpful. I am going to write a piece about that as well. I love you.

In a way, yes. It’s passed off as a therapy dog for the clients, but it’s pretty clear that it’s actually a therapy dog for T. I don’t mind it when it’s behaving or even licks a little bit, but I do mind when it continuously barks without her trying to stop it, when the licking and jumping is excessive, and when our sessions pause so she can tend to its needs.

Thank you for expressing how much you enjoy working with me the other day. I have really sensed that since I came back in June, and 'twas nice to hear. I need this break though and I appreciate your understanding why. And thank you for saying that bit about how at least I am able to TALK about why I do, now. Where I couldn't before. I don't know yet when I will be ready to come back. I will, though. I will.

You have a right to say if you want it there or not. It's YOUR session and time. I wouldn't be happy with it being a distraction.

School starts in 16 days.
You go away for a week in 17.

I think I'll see you when you come back.

You've changed your mind already, I knew you would do. You should never have told me that you loved me, it is a stupid thing.