Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

I've been having vertigo for two days now. I've had it twice before in my life.

Former T was very healing. I stayed with her 10 years. I would have stayed with her forever had she not gotten ill. Yes I was very attached. Healing is good but IMHO it can be very hard when to know when to move on to the next step. HUGS Kit

These are some good points. I said today to him that I'm torn between the fact that I'm not used to being in relationships where someone is brutally honest with me (T: "I try not to be brutal." Me: "OK, fully honest."), so I don't know if this is normal and something I just need to deal with . But it's also something that really hurts sometimes, like I can feel much worse after things he 's said to me (not difficult topics in therapy--not expecting them to be a bed of roses--but things he's said to me). I have no idea what the line is. Like helpful but painful vs. just hurtful.

And as for the manipulative thing, this is what he said in the email: "I do not appreciate your comment of 'I need to find someone who will'. It's not the first time you have made a comment of this kind, and I interpret it as a threat and manipulative." Bear in mind, he knew I was feeling when he wrote that. I know he shouldn't handle me with kid gloves, but I mentioned again today how it might not have been the right time to tell me that, how he could have just told me next session when I was more stable. He agreed with that and...I think apologized? sorta?

I think he's very much been useful to me. I've made lots of progress in certain areas (he agrees with this). But I wonder if I've just hit a brick wall with him, that to move forward, I need someone else. Even...I could potentially see someone else for some stretch of time then go back to him (he's said in the past that he'd be fine with this, that I could go elsewhere, then come back at any time). Like I just wonder if some part of me needs healing or attention or whatever that T can't/isn't skilled enough/isn't willing to give me right now before I can really move forward. Hoping the consulting T I'm seeing Friday can help me figure that out (and perhaps I could even see her longer term, too).

You should get checked out by doctor or urgent care center. Could be ear infection or something else going on with your ear (my mother-in-law had something happen with...some tiny crystal thing in her ear shifted and she had really bad vertigo). Hugs...

@@-how was work?

LT, I guess I am not sure it’s a two-step process, healing and then progress. I think it’s an all-mixed-together process. And I’m not sure it’s so much healing in the sense of wholeness as scarring over.

Also it sounds like what you’re saying you need is a therapist to kind of reparent you. Definitely not Dr. T’s wheelhouse.

I'm such a noob. I paid a lab bill twice! Thankfully they sent me back a refund check.

In other news, I get to bring my dog to therapy with me! She used to come with me when I saw ex-T. T's building didn't allow dogs, so I stopped bringing her. But I just found out that L's office is pet friendly. I'm so happy for her to get to meet my Anya.

And this Sunday is my niece's 2nd birthday party. I can't wait to see her again! And my other niece who I only saw at the hospital when she was born. It's been 6 months

Today was my easy one-small-language-class day. So okay. Even got to the gym for the fourth day in a row.

Tomorrow are the big classes, including the one with the problem student. Whom the colleagues I consulted think should be removed for being disruptive, but there are several steps to go through first.

This resonates with me so much.

The couple of times the first woman said things like she felt like she was being attacked (not exactly her word I don't think but something close to it) - I told her good because I was attacking her because she had attacked/humiliated/tried to trap me. I wasn't sorry. It wasn't an accident.
She stopped saying that sort of thing to me.

Bummer about steps - I agree he must go. Actually it sounds like he needs to go away and mature before coming back.
Bad Lads Boot Camp.

Oof vertigo is awful, you have my sympathy

How long is the process to have him removed? A week? 2 weeks? I mean I assume something like that would need to move rather quickly?

Dunno. First step is to contact the disability center to see if they can do anything even though he isn’t registered. They haven’t gotten back to me yet. Then, the department’s head academic adviser. Then the chair.

And I also have to warn him he’s in danger of removal.

I really think maybe my T isn't used to me standing up for myself, at least as forcefully as I did today. I usually back down much earlier and defer to him. But today I didn't. I stood my ground. I told him how things he'd said had bothered me. I said he'd hurt me. I'm not sure he knew how to deal with that, with my standing up for myself and not giving in.

The therapist never told me I attacked her, but she did tell me I could be very mean. She nearly terminated me once for something I said to her. I thought it was sort of useful and somewhat translated into every day life.

I agree on it being a mixed-together process. I know I can't really heal the childhood wounds, so scarring over is a better analogy.

In some ways, I want someone to reparent. Yet I feel becoming hopelessly attached to them. So I feel "OK, T is better, because he doesn't do that." But then he says or does things that hurt me (even if with the best intentions). Again and again. And I wonder if I'm just reopening the wounds repeatedly by staying with him? Such that I can never really heal or scar over?

I keep thinking I need someone like T to push me forward. But here I am tonight, drinking more than I'd intended to (I was doing well with that in the past 7 days, without seeing him). I think I may have gotten more out of my (free) conversation with this person at the bar who recently became an American citizen (from Nicaragua) than I did with T, for whom I pay significantly. (Therapy was not one of the discussion topics--they ranged from our local area to natural disasters to politics.)


Maybe I just need to step away from therapy all together for a bit, I don't know... Like reboot my brain or something...

LT- I think the whole re-parenting therapy thing takes place in Schema therapy. It differs slightly than Psychodynamic. Don’t quote me, but I think that’s what I read when I was seeking out a therapist in the past.

I know this isn't a political thread. But the person I was talking to at the bar said that one of the other people becoming a citizen at the same time had been in the U.S. for like 30 years on a green card from Guyana. She said she was only becoming a citizen so that she could vote in the next election. I imagine she's not the only one?

The current T I have is so different from anyone else I have seen. She remains 100% calm, keeps 100% of her boundaries and still is there for me. I cannot speak enough for clear consistant therapy. Arguing constantly is great if it helps but if you are still stuck then you need to move on. When thing were over with ex T 1 I felt a huge wall of sadness and shame, slowly out of that emerged relief. I was so relieved not to argue with someone I cared about.

Therapy with the second one was not nearly as contentious. And I doubt she ever felt attacked (although once she said I damned her with faint praise) - I saw it more as I simply wanted to make sure I did not over-state the compliment.

I did not strike the first woman first, and I was fairly restrained in my dealings with the first, but she did not get free passes to mock me. Usually mine were in response to a question she had asked me about how I felt about her and I told her. She stopped asking so I stopped telling her. I think she was actually (as opposed to her usual over-acting) surprised the time she asked me if I thought she was kind and I said absolutely not. She seemed to think she was although I have no idea why she had that image of herself. Kind is absolutely not a description I ever would have used for her.

That sounds about right. And I don't even know if that's what I need. I think I just want a T to have more compassion toward me, to show more outward caring, to not interpret things I say or do as being about them, but looking at the bigger picture. Like, "Hm, what's going on with LT that she said/did this? This is probably about something else, not just me." Not "This makes me feel like you're trying to control me" or "This is manipulative."

I agree that she may not be the only one, but that’s all I’ll really say.

I don’t think that is something that is going to change in your therapy with Dr.T, unfortunately.

I don't think scolding someone for not being nice enough is helpful in any way. Better to ask if someone is ok as they seemed a bit down than to tell them they didn't seem "hospitable" enough

I'm grumpy though, she would be lucky not to get a hospitable middle finger tbh.