How To Move On

So today I have terminated with my T after a couple of difficult months. Since October I had been feeling like he had lost all empathy and compassion and was essentially fed up of me after some pretty cold sessions where there was no acknowledgement that I was upset or distressed and it felt like he no longer cared.
I was planning on bringing this up with him in my session yesterday which would have been a huge step for me as I avoid all confrontation but as soon as I sat down he started to tell me off for emailing him feedback after the last session (I have always been allowed to send one email between sessions) and that from now on no email contact would be allowed. There was no explanation just a very firm do not email me again unless it’s related to scheduling.
This automatically caused me to shut down but he continued to essentially say that I was choosing to allow myself to feel suicidal and that I was resistant to therapy because I have told him I am not ready to disclose my history of CSA to anyone close to me. He has been pressuring me to do this for a while and won’t accept I am not ready for that step.
From there it just went from bad to worse and he ended up raising his voice at me and making it very obvious he wasn’t prepared to show any empathy or compassion.
So this morning I have sent an email terminating therapy with him. Although in my head I know it’s the right thing and best decision for my wellbeing as the sessions were actually making me feel worse, but in my heart it’s hurting so much. All I want is for him to care about me and I’ve spend the afternoon hysterically crying. I know I need to move on and I want to, I just don’t know how to stop hurting.

I am so sorry to read this. You've definitely done the right thing which must have been incredibly painful under the circumstances but you deserve much better than that. You deserve empathy and compassion and a T who will respect your wishes, including if or when you choose to disclose your history. After all, therapy is for you, not the therapist. What right does he have to demand anything of you, Well done for knowing he wasn't right for you.

Moving on comes naturally when you've grieved. Let yourself feel the pain and then it will start to ease. Don't force yourself to move on when you're still hurting. Grieve for the fact you longed for him to care for you and that it is a perfectly natural thing to have longed for. Honestly, you will get through this if you let yourself feel, then over time it wil get easier and you will be best place to know how you wish to go forward.

Hugs, I'm so sorry. You did the right thing in terminating. A therapist should never blame a client for feeling suicidal. And it's not fair for him to suddenly change the email rules on you. I know it can be very difficult to move on, and you likely would be reluctant to do this right now, but I suggest looking for another therapist as soon as possible to help you process this. It doesn't need to be someone you see long-term (though of course that's an option), just someone to help you through it.

When my last therapist terminated me 4 years ago I eventually discovered, after 6 excruciating months, that the feelings associated with her rejecting me had mimicked, or triggered, or unfrozen, or something, feelings that I had had in my childhood, associated with feeling unwanted, unacceptable to other women in my family. No particular event that I could recall, just the unbearable feeling.

Once that feeling became (slowly) conscious, I was in-the-bed depressed for several days, and in horrible shape for a month or so. I wrote about it all extensively on PC at that time, that was the only human contact I had about it for a long time.

If that is at all like anything you are experiencing, it will take time -- because it's not just this trauma, it's the ones from the past, too.

I think it could be argued that the therapist doing that opened a wound, like a boil or absess, that had been long covered up, like a surgery -- except that all she did was open that wound and there was nobody and no "therapy" around to help me "heal". It was all just what my body/psyche could do, or not do, and . . .I lucked out, maybe? I have lived to tell the tale, anyway.

I don't think my "wound" is/was all that uncommon. Maybe people who have good therapy early on simply get over things and move on. But once this retraumatization has happened . . . I hope it helps, some, to know it can be gotten over, somewhat. The loneliness is, for me, still a large part of the pain.

Thank you so much for this, it sounds like you have actually gone inside my head and pulled out some of my thoughts. At the same time I’m sorry that you can relate to the pain I’m feeling.
Feeling unwanted, unacceptable, unloved and uncared for are all things that I have discussed in therapy that have been caused by childhood experiences with my family and I guess you’re right, his broken promise of wanting to give me a completely different experience to that, one where I would be accepted and cared for is like being retraumatized.
It feels exactly like having an open wound but nobody is around to ensure that it ‘heals’ but it helps to know others have got through similar circumstances so thank you.

I'm so sorry. This really sounds like it was his problem, not yours. A therapist raising his voice at at a client seems so completely unacceptable. You did do the right thing, but that doesn't mean that you don't still care about him or that you don't still want him to care about you. Unfortunately I doubt there is any way to make yourself stop hurting. I'd try to keep validating for yourself that it makes perfect sense that this hurts and keep reminding yourself that you did the right thing. And keep asking for support and validation here. People here do understand how a therapy relationship can be traumatic.

I just want you to know that I can empathize with the deep grief you are experiencing. It does get better but it definitely takes time. I found my way through in talking to a new therapist and letting myself just grieve the loss like you would the loss of someone to death - one day at a time. To me it felt like a death and oh the crying you do! It’s worse when you did nothing and could not have done anything different which definitely sounds like your case. Let yourself grieve but also don’t be afraid to seek someone out to help you through the transition.

I am very sorry that this has happened to you. To say that you have a choice about being suicidal is inappropriate.

Have you looked into EMDR? It is for victims of trauma in which you have been a victim of trauma. Since I am new here, I can't link the page for you. So, here is the description:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal. EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma. When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound. If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain. Once the block is removed, healing resumes. EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes. The brain’s information processing system naturally moves toward mental health. If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering. Once the block is removed, healing resumes. Using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR therapy training sessions, clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes.

Treatment Description: EMDR therapy combines different elements to maximize treatment effects. A full description of the theory, sequence of treatment, and research on protocols and active mechanisms can be found in F. Shapiro (2001) Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing: Basic principles, protocols and procedures (2nd edition) New York: Guilford Press.
EMDR therapy involves attention to three time periods: the past, present, and future. Focus is given to past disturbing memories and related events. Also, it is given to current situations that cause distress, and to developing the skills and attitudes needed for positive future actions. With EMDR therapy, these items are addressed using an eight-phase treatment approach.
Phase 1: The first phase is a history-taking session(s). The therapist assesses the client’s readiness and develops a treatment plan. Client and therapist identify possible targets for EMDR processing. These include distressing memories and current situations that cause emotional distress. Other targets may include related incidents in the past. Emphasis is placed on the development of specific skills and behaviors that will be needed by the client in future situations.
Initial EMDR processing may be directed to childhood events rather than to adult onset stressors or the identified critical incident if the client had a problematic childhood. Clients generally gain insight on their situations, the emotional distress resolves and they start to change their behaviors. The length of treatment depends upon the number of traumas and the age of PTSD onset. Generally, those with single event adult onset trauma can be successfully treated in under 5 hours. Multiple trauma victims may require a longer treatment time.
Phase 2: During the second phase of treatment, the therapist ensures that the client has several different ways of handling emotional distress. The therapist may teach the client a variety of imagery and stress reduction techniques the client can use during and between sessions. A goal of EMDR therapy is to produce rapid and effective change while the client maintains equilibrium during and between sessions.
Phases 3-6: In phases three to six, a target is identified and processed using EMDR therapy procedures. These involve the client identifying three things:
1. The vivid visual image related to the memory
2. A negative belief about self
3. Related emotions and body sensations.
In addition, the client identifies a positive belief. The therapist helps the client rate the positive belief as well as the intensity of the negative emotions. After this, the client is instructed to focus on the image, negative thought, and body sensations while simultaneously engaging in EMDR processing using sets of bilateral stimulation. These sets may include eye movements, taps, or tones. The type and length of these sets is different for each client. At this point, the EMDR client is instructed to just notice whatever spontaneously happens.
After each set of stimulation, the clinician instructs the client to let his/her mind go blank and to notice whatever thought, feeling, image, memory, or sensation comes to mind. Depending upon the client’s report, the clinician will choose the next focus of attention. These repeated sets with directed focused attention occur numerous times throughout the session. If the client becomes distressed or has difficulty in progressing, the therapist follows established procedures to help the client get back on track.
When the client reports no distress related to the targeted memory, (s)he is asked to think of the preferred positive belief that was identified at the beginning of the session. At this time, the client may adjust the positive belief if necessary, and then focus on it during the next set of distressing events.
Phase 7: In phase seven, closure, the therapist asks the client to keep a log during the week. The log should document any related material that may arise. It serves to remind the client of the self-calming activities that were mastered in phase two.
Phase 8: The next session begins with phase eight. Phase eight consists of examining the progress made thus far. The EMDR treatment processes all related historical events, current incidents that elicit distress, and future events that will require different responses
here.

Thanks to you all for replying. I’m really struggling and have spent the night going between awake and crying and dreaming about him contacting me and saying he realises he upset me and he is sorry and that he really cares about me, which in reality is never going to happen. I don’t feel like I can get out of bed today. I wasn’t expecting for it to feel this bad as it was me that terminated not him. I am scared I’m going to be weak and email him again telling him I made a mistake and I want to come back. Logically I know this would be the worst thing to do as he would just continue to cause me harm, but then I tell myself that maybe I got it wrong and I misinterpreted his behaviour. Why would I want to go back to something that has made me feel so bad for the past few months?

I’m so angry at him right now that I want to leave a scathing review on his google business page but he will know it’s me. Although in many ways I want him to know how much he has hurt me and to hurt him back, in another way I don’t want him to hate me more then he already does.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. In a way, it's like a breakup from a romantic relationship. Even though you initiated the breakup and it was for the best, it still hurts.

I agree with this. My current T said several times how it seemed like a breakup from a romantic relationship when I terminated with ex-marriage counselor (for whom I had a lot of paternal and a bit of erotic transference and who also really hurt me near the end). He also said I was grieving a loss and how grief isn't linear, which helped me with my feelings of "I should just be over this already."

If you think it would help, write the review and post it here. Do you feel like you told him everything that you needed to tell him in your termination email?

Part of the process for me, too, was the activation of a revenge motivation I had never felt so strongly in my adult life. Nothing in my memory, even. For me, though, it wasn't so much that I didn't want the therapist to hate me -- I thought/felt I would be a "bad person" for acting on that motivation. I strongly considered it anyway, though.

No far from it. I didn’t even really give a reason. He knew I was angry with him in the session so I would imagine he knows it’s related to that. He replied just saying thanks for letting him know which was pretty much the response I was expecting so I don’t really know if he fully realises how hurt and angry I am. I’m thinking of giving it a couple of weeks, so I have time to work out stuff in my head and have had a chance to try and get over some of the anger, and then maybe send him a feedback email listing everything that made me decide to terminate and just tell him not to reply. But just not sure if that’s a good idea or not.

Yeah there is definitely a part of me that would also feel like a bad person if I did act on the revenge temptation. It doesn’t feel good to want to emotionally hurt another person just because they hurt you, but I can’t stop myself from thinking about it. But to be fair he probably wouldn’t care anyway.

If you don't want to write an emotional review (which I can understand as I don't think I would) maybe give it a couple of weeks and email him explaining why you are terminating and go into how it's left you feeling, but not from an emotional place (if that makes sense). Rather like writing a complaint, you could explain from your logical mind how this has left you to get it out of your system. You probably won't get a reply and could even say you don't want one, but write it for closure. He's more likely to take something from a clear logical email rather than an emotional one. It's an approach I've taken when writing letters of complaint to various companies etc. The impact is greater if I don't write from my emotion, but state the emotion clearly.

Thank you, I think this is exactly what I’m going to do. I feel I need to get out what I’m feeling and make him aware of it to help try and find some kind of closure. I’ll just need to make it clear that I don’t want a reply, I think that would stop me feeling the closure. I want it to be in my control and not his.

I can understand that. I really hope writing the letter helps you find some closure. It can be empowering just allowing yourself to say how it is to the person who hurt you, especially as this was often not the case in childhood.

If you read about the term “trauma bond,” do you think it fits your experience at all? There are some good tips online for breaking free from such a toxic relationship.

Thank you, that’s actually really interesting, it does fit it in some senses. I don’t want to say he is a bad therapist as I feel guilty doing that, I think I probably was the one who caused the issues as I wasn’t making progress as quick as he wanted and was somewhat resistant to certain things. I think I caused him a lot of frustration and that’s why eventually he lost patience with me. I’m not saying how he handled things was right as it’s really really hurt me but I guess he’s only human and some people you just don’t like and that’s how he felt about me, which is really really painful to think.

Please be careful within yourself here, KLL85. It's not either/or and you did not cause the issue because you weren't making progress. Resistance is not usually something we can consciously control and the T's overreaction (IMO) was maybe the best he could do, due to his own issues. Perhaps he felt responsible for moving you past the resistance and did not know how. Or something like that. And then projected that responsibility onto you, when you could consciously do no more than you were doing already?

And, yeah, not being liked is very painful to think about. That's something that could be useful to explore somehow. But from what you have written here there doesn't seem to be much evidence of that? Just that he got frustrated-- which I think is on him and how he handled his frustration, not about you.

My last therapist could not, for her own issues I believe, own her part in the impasse and SHE terminated me. But there are other people who have posted in this forum and in difficult situations, like this has been for you, and their therapists HAVE been able to own that they hurt their client and hence, it has sounded like, it can help the client move past both the hurt the therapist caused AND the original unhealed trauma.

I think, based on a lot of thinking about this in my own situation, that writing and communicating about how badly you feel feel may help. And not focusing on the complaint part, as Lonelyinmyheart suggested. It's very hard to tease those apart, I know from experience. But ultimately, I have no control over my ex-T and what she does. I only have my own responses, which have been pain. So -- what am I going to do with that? Still very much in the early stages, still can barely stand to feel it. That's where support groups have really been helpful, though.

I’m so close to emailing him and telling him I’ve changed my mind and I want to see him again. I know this isn’t the right thing to do and it’s better to move on but I am really struggling with the idea of not seeing him again. I keep telling myself that maybe I can convince him to care about me. This is so hard, I don’t know if I can cope with this feeling for much longer.

You will feel like this. You're crying out to make it all okay again and go back to familiar territory with him. It's a misplaced way of trying to correct the past and get the care you need. However, you know deep down you this won't work and you won't feel any better long term. Sure, on a short term level it will be a relief to go back, but very soon you'll be unhappy again because you can't change another person. It's just like being in any sort of unhappy or abusive relationship. I tried leaving my ex many times and ended up going back, only for more unhappiness. I grieved when I finally left, but it was a relief too and I've never looked back.

Try and resist your emotional urges and see them what they are - conditioned cravings for more of the same. You'd be going back to unhappiness. You can't change your T. If anything he might be even worse knowing he has more power over you (if he's truly that way inclined).

If you can sit these temptations out, you WILL feel better in the long term, more empowered and able to find people who really can help you.

Thank you so much for this. Messages like this really do help me realise there are people out there who truly to understand how I feel. Thank you.