No Tolerance for Toleration

I have been in the middle of an emotional upheaval lately. I'm miserable. I have major anxiety. I'm flooded with mixed emotions, none of them positive.

My T tells me that part of my problem is that I fight these feelings instead of tolerating them. He tells me not to say, I hate feeling this way! I despise this anxiety! I'm sick of feeling like this. I asked him last session what to do if my anxiety got to a high point, if I started being totally obsessive. He said, "Sit with it." "Tolerate it."

I understand the premise. Having OCD, I know that the more you fight a thought, the more entrenched it becomes. However, I get so infuriated when he tells me to tolerate these things. I feel like these negative emotions and anxiety are intruders that are attacking me. If I use my intellect to try to convince myself to sit and tolerate these awful feelings, my emotions protest by flooding me with anxiety. Then I feel worse. Then I think I hate that I feel worse. It's like a circle and I can't get out of it. Does anybody else understand this? Does this make sense to anyone?

Do I really have to sit with anxiety? Do I have to sit with these negative emotions? Can't someone change the seating chart? It's my turn to sit with Peace. I'd love to sit with happiness. I won't talk to them, I promise. I'll just enjoy their presence. . .

Soliaree,

When I ask T how to get rid of things I am experiencing (anxiety, crappy thoughts, obsessive %#@&#!) he says, "just notice it."

Sounds the same kinda advice you are getting. My solutions:

1. I use klonopin when I need it bad

2. I do try to notice these things. When I feel the anxiety creeping up, I reflect and try to figure out what I am anxious about. Usually I can figure it out. Sometimes I haven't a clue. But I question myself and sort of review the past day's events to see if I can "notice" the trigger.

3. I try to meditate, or at least experience mindfulness. I'm not really good at doing this for any great length of time, but it really helps.

((((((soliaree))))))

I hope you feel better.

Peace

(( soliaree ))

Trust T. The more you practice this the more tolerance you will build up. Then the intensity will lessen and the frequency too.

Can you write about what's going on when it begins? I have found that to be helpful.

I also just read an article in Psychology Today that said that the greater vocabulary we have for our emotions, the more tolerance we have too. I am one who has a poor emotional vocabulary, with few words between good and bad, happy and sad, etc.

Since we'll always have the emotions, tolerance is our ticket to dealing better and sooner to the peaks and valleys that are part of life.

I think it helps me to understand that it is entirely NORMAL to have peaks and valleys and emotional ups and downs. I am going through a lot right now and my emotions are all over the map. It helps to know that is a normal reaction to stress and to life events. I have sometimes felt a failure recently for being unable to contain my emotions well, because well, I am the queen of containment! I'm learning it is OK to not be so contained, to be anxious, to feel all over the map. It's part of being human. I felt really reassured when I happened to pick up a poem at random by Rumi, the 13th century Persian poet, and he was writing about much the same thing I was experiencing. Somehow it was really reassuring to know this is a universal experience.

So I would agree with your T--don't fight your feelings. Just create some space for them and let them be. You're OK.

Hey, I agree with your therapist, too. But I also do understand that acceptance can be the hardest thing in the world. Part of it can be in figuring out what acceptance requires - and in figuring out what one gets out of it.

It is fairly common for people to distinguish between primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are emotions that seem to arise up by themselves - not in response to any prior thought. Secondary emotions are emotions that arise in response to our judgement or thoughts about the primary emotion.

For example... One might find oneself feeling angry. And then feel ashamed in response to the anger. In this instance anger is primary and shame is secondary.

One might feel anxious. And then feel really very anxious in response to the primary anxiety.

The thought is that primary emotions tend to be short lived. They pass. It is in their nature. Secondary emotions tend to be sustained by our repeated thoughts or judgements or cognitions, however. Secondary emotions are meant to be the most distressing emotions. Because they last longer.

So say you feel anxious... Then feel really very anxious in response to thinking of that primary anxiety as 'terrible' or 'terrifying' or 'something that I shouldn't be feeling'. The notion is that those thoughts are what serves to keep the anxiety really very intense and refiring over and over and over.

What to do to break out of the circuit?

Accept the primary emotion. Sometimes people do feel anxious. It is normal to feel anxious. It is understandable to feel anxious sometimes. If you attend to that anxiety in a way that neither pushes it away nor clings to it you will notice it coming and going ebbing and flowing like waves upon the shore.

If you fight it you get into a tug of war with your body. If you invalidate your primary emotion then you get a more intense secondary emotion. If you can acknowledge and accept the primary emotion then you might find that you are able to direct your attention onto something more pleasant.

Of course this is a hell of a lot harder to do than it sounds...

Soliaree, You got some good replys. I think everyone in the world suffers with this from time to time, just some people don't realise thats what they are struggling with and act it out in unhealthier ways? I wont give you any advice coz sometimes I read back my posts and I think geez your giving all this wonderful advice and don't even do it yourself.

If I'm "stuck" and can't solve or tolerate a feeling or situation, I throw a hand grenade into my own foxhole and "start over". Just hit the ctrl, alt, delete combination for your mind and give yourself a warm boot.

My favorite response was when we had secret santa in my dorm at college and mine turned out to be my next door neighbor whom I loved. She had a single room and had given me a really nice bra and panty set. I tried it on and then went next door to show her, knocking on her door and then opening it and entering. She wasn't there, just her boyfriend was I had to do an immediate reset and get my mind into another gear. I figured "it's not something he's never seen" and "it looks like a nice bikini bathing suit" so I put on my best modelling persona and gave him a show!

Another thought I use is the quote I like, "When you are being run out of town, get in front and make it look like a parade." Pretend you're a cat and "meant to do that" and just go with your first positive thought or idea about whatever is giving you fits. Indeed you can "change the seating chart" since it's your room, chart, class, anxiety. When I use to put myself down in my thoughts I'd yell in my head, "Support!" and three guys dressed in togas would bring out a Corinthian column and set it up in the "dome" of my head then scurry out the other "ear" :-) Picture your seating chart and make "someone else" sit on the hot seat, then you "leave" and have fun instead, somewhere else.

Laughter relieves stress and lowers anxiety. Might not get rid of it but will get you more "room" to maneuver and think of ways to combat it or will help you sit with it better, making it feel more friendly and less oppositional.

Kahil Gibran said to embrace your winters as you do your summers. Meaning all our emotions have purpose and validity. We are afraid of the negative ones and reject them out of hand. Sitting with them really is awful and i understand perfectly why you do not want to. i don't either. But sitting with them i dont think means having coffee with them. But dont fight with them... you can distract yourself with things that calm you to help prevent and relieve the anxiety... while allowing yourself to still experience the mixed feelings you have. They come for a reason. They will keep coming until you discover that reason and make peace with it. They are as much a part of you as your arms, one pleasant, one not, but both essential and useful.

you can channel those feelings into writing or drawing... you can find all sorts of ways of making them more descriptive.

i dont think you have to sit... you could walk with them

take care of yourself and the parts of yourself which feel pain.

i hope you do get to sit with peace

much love baby cakes

Thanks, Sis

I do feel better now. I finally slept after a about three nights of insomnia. Ativan works great for me, gotta love those benzos! I do need to get back to practicing mindfulness. It did help me become calmer but I haven't been practicing it lately. I think I'm practicing mindlessness now, LOL.

Take care!

Echoes,
I do like to write down how I feel to try to get it out and so that I can remember how I felt so I can tell T. It sounds like a good article I know when I am having difficulty and someone explains to me what it going on that it helps tremendously. The last wave of emotional upheaval has gone, I feel so calm. It is amazing. Thanks for your support

Yes, I understand. My emotions have been all over the map although they have quelled for now, thank goodness. It's interesting that someone was feeling the same that we do so long ago. Sometimes, we think it is modern life stressors, but I guess every era has had it's stressors. I do wonder, though, with all of our perfect T's out there ( ) why this problem hasn't been solved. But alas, I know I must accept these feelings in order to move on. Thanks!

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acceptance can be the hardest thing in the world. Part of it can be in figuring out what acceptance requires - and in figuring out what one gets out of it.

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Hallelujah!

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So say you feel anxious... Then feel really very anxious in response to thinking of that primary anxiety as 'terrible' or 'terrifying' or 'something that I shouldn't be feeling'. The notion is that those thoughts are what serves to keep the anxiety really very intense and refiring over and over and over.

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So true, Alex. I have to work so hard because I have OCD - the type in which you think thoughts over and over. My T told me that I probably am having a really difficult time getting over my emotions because of my OCD. Ugh!

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If you fight it you get into a tug of war with your body.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Hmmmmm. This is why my back was killing me, my shoulders were extremely tight, and why I couldn't sleep.

I always tell T that he can always help me by giving me information/the theory, etc. as to what is going on with me at the time. Your explanation really helped me understand it better - I had never read anything about primary/secondary emotions and found it very interesting. Thank you so much!

Mouse,
You're right! I did get some awesome replies Yes, I've been having a tug of war with my body by fighting the emotions, as Alex explained, and I can feel that it wasn't too healthy.

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I wont give you any advice coz sometimes I read back my posts and I think geez your giving all this wonderful advice and don't even do it yourself.

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I know what you mean. Your statement reminded me of something someone told me when I gave some advice that I wasn't taking. She said, "Well, that doesn't make it bad advice!"
Thanks

Perna,
I actually did the hand grenade thing while I was walking into the building where I work because I kept having negative thoughts. It worked! I was able to shift gears. Unfortunately, I think some passer-bys might have been hit with some shrapnel, but what can you do? LOL

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I put on my best modelling persona and gave him a show!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> LOL, Perna! Good for you!!!! I'm so curious, how did your neighbor friend take this? I'm wondering if you got a warm boot from her, LOL.

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"When you are being run out of town, get in front and make it look like a parade."

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I love this quote! I have a picture with penguins on parade that I wanted to put here but haven't figured out how yet. It was cute, though. Trust me.

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Laughter relieves stress and lowers anxiety.

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I agree! I try to create opportunities to laugh as often as I can. With Sister's posts around, you don't have much choice but to laugh

Thanks so much

Fluffy,
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But sitting with them i dont think means having coffee with them.

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That's good, I'm having enough problems sitting with them. I wonder if these emotions leave an assprint?

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They are as much a part of you as your arms, one pleasant, one not, but both essential and useful.

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Fluff, do you have to make fun of me? (LOL) I know I have one pleasant arm and one arm that's mean, but did you have to tell everybody? I was trying to keep it a secret. Now everyone knows.

Thanks for the support