Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I thought about old transference T a lot. I mentioned my feelings about it to my mom. The unprofessional one and my new one I didn’t give much of a thought. I did look at new Ts card and I thought “why is she smiling like she’s dead inside?”

She has experiences working in hospitals and I get kind of nervous when they have worked there since my times weren’t very good because the staff weren’t very nice. Like was she a nice staff or one of the kind of abusive ones? It’s tough to tell from just one session what she’s really like.

L,
Your emails this week have touched me so deeply. They are exactly what I needed to hear. It's exactly how I feel about you minus my struggles with object constancy. I wish you weren't on vacation right now. I wish I could give you a big hug. I wish you knew how much you mean to me, and that I too choose you. Even with the object constancy struggles, I do hold you in my heart. I guess that does prove that our bond is real.

Thank you, L. Thank you for everything. I love you so much! And I appreciate and respect you too. I'm looking forward to being with you when you get back. Maybe this time will be easier. Less welcome back gitters. I'm hoping.

Hey T. I don't think I'll be able to do it. I'm sorry, because I know you are going to be disappointed.

I'm such an idiot to have thought NHS would be anywhere near 'normal' by my due date...everything is just getting worse and it doesn't feel like anyone cares anymore. The health board posted that they don't have enough midwives to cope at the moment.

What will happen if I go in to labour at home, and they have no one to send? Will there be enough staff to care properly at the hospital? Am I going to get sick and give birth alone because people want to watch the stupid ****ing football in their thousands? I'm so scared please help me

I had some very very dark thoughts last night. I ended up reaching out to a text support helpline because I just didn't know what else to do to bring myself back from that place. Unusually for me I couldn't sleep. Why did you land this with me, with then no way to process this with you. That doesn't make any sense. I can only imagine your brain has been scrambled by the recent bereavement, and I can forgive you that, but it has led to thoughts of maybe, if you are now scrambled, you aren't the right person to do this work with anyway. That is very very sad indeed.

you mean to tell me you are jumping ship, AGAIN?! (leaving one company to work at a different one)
maybe this is a sign that i should just be done with all this.....

So that was weird timing. I have only ever done this twice before, driven to your house and sat in the car outside. (for anyone reading we have sessions at Ts house in her garden cabin type thing). And I haven't done it for three maybe four years. And not two minutes after I pull up and park, you come home, with you husband. A two minute turn around for you and you go back out again.

So another piece of the weird 'me and you' puzzle slots in to place for me.

Anyway. Sat here now, you are out, just looking and thinking. Do I post the letter I wrote or not?

Oh, and yes, I will more than likely tell you I did this. Though if you get the letter, you'll already know.

Your words were very specific. Private practice from home. So will you keep your walk and talks, I wonder? I'll walk if it means we can finish this. I'd walk a thousand miles if it meant we could finish this.

Chris' birthday. I should have been working today.
I wanted nothing more than to work today.
I ended up comfort eating and Internet surfing.

Thursday feels a long way away.

2 days. I'm hoping tonight is a better night than last night.

Dear T,
You made this comment about how I wasn't sad all the time in the past year and a half, how it was probably just a small part of the time, that I was likely content for most of it. I don't think that's true. I was actively miserable for a pretty significant portion of the pandemic. And at times when I wasn't, I'd say I was generally just managing, not content. Maybe some flashes of contentedness or joy, but very much in the minority. Were you paying attention at all?


Also, I hope I can figure out by 10 am Monday what I want to talk about with you...I feel all this pressure on this week with your going out of town. Like less pressure on Monday, I guess, but Friday? Maybe we should just make small talk...

Love,
LT

Dear T,

I know that all I can do is wait, and try to make healthy choices in the meantime, but I want to talk to you RIGHT NOW! I want to get these feelings out, right now. It's like I can't process this on my own. This isn't normal... In normal life you can usually at least have a conversation with the person who has taken action that leads to distress. You can usually try to resolve it, but in this situation I just have to wait. That's not fair.

I've tried gardening, reading, crafting, none of it works, I can't do it. I'm about to go out on my bike.

A day and a half. This evening will be at my family's for the football. I don't like football. But I do want to fix this with my family. How. How do I fix this? I need your help. I need to be brave. Braver than I've ever been before. I feel kind of ready, T. I feel kind of there, have been getting closer all year, but do I do this with you knowing you'll be gone by Christmas?

That's the million dollar question right there...

I found this funny meme online that said “giving just enough info to my therapist so I don’t get involuntarily hospitalized”

That’s been every therapy session I’ve had since March 2020

'Everything's so great
It can't get better
Makes me wanna cry
But I'll go out howling at the moon tonight...'

- Watchhouse

Seeking something to hang on to. Not sure where to find it.

24 hours T. 24 hours. Today will be spent cleaning, tidying, possibly painting.

I can't do this. I feel sick. Less than 24 hours until I have to see you. I have to see you. I have to face whatever this is. I want to run. I want to just dump it all and run, as far as possible. I can't go through this.

Please don't do this to me. Just one hour a week. Please. I'll be good. I promise.

Who's words are those, I wonder?

They aren't from Little One. I feel her, you know. I feel her inside me, calm. She's ok. She's ok with this. She's been ready for a while now, to let go. I think, in some ways, she already did let go. There's a slight sadness there. Bittersweet, you once said. Sorry to go, but ready. I've got her now. I'm holding her hand and together we are ok. God, I can't explain how much that means to me, T. That you helped me to do that.

And then there is this other part which is absolutely screaming inside me. Writhing in gut wrenching pain at the thought of you walking away. This part that would do anything to make you change your mind. This part that has no idea how to go on with life if you say that you won't still be there. This part who has just started to trust you enough to let you see, just started to believe that it might be safe to open up.

And then there is me. Me who knows that now I am on this journey, I have to finish it. Me who knows that now old wounds have been exposed I have to heal them properly. Me who has learnt and grown so much over the last five years. Me who has turned up week after week after week after week, working harder than I ever thought I would have to, both in the room and at home in my own time. Me who has spent the best part of £10,000 trying to repair the damage of my past.

Me who will be desperately sad to say goodbye to you because of everything that you have done for us, everything that you have been to us, everything that you have helped us to learn, discover and become.

But also me who isn't ready to leave without a fight. Please, again, I am begging you to reconsider. Please help me to get to that 'ready' place with Teenage One. Please stay and help her to have the same experience as Little One has had.

Don't do this. Don't walk away. Not yet.

I just finished the model I was making you. I'm not sure I want to give it to you anymore. I don't want the future to upset the past, but sometimes this is unavoidable.

Old transference T would for sure put me in an IOP program if not hospitalize me for my erratic behavior with my meds. New T I’ll tell her but I don’t see her for 2 more weeks and I have no idea how she’ll react.

Hi R,

Had another conversation with a support worker this evening that bugged me. Who says I want to wear a mask and keep my distance when things get back to something more normal? That isn't what the word 'normal' means.

Hi T.I am glad to see you tomorrow. Depending on J's test results, (which hopefully I will get tomorrow), I may be a hot mess.

I really hope old transference isn’t going on vacation at the same time as me. It would be so awkward to run into her. She’s said before that she doesn’t say anything when she sees clients outside of sessions and she will leave the store if they are there shopping even if she’s with other people.

She does know it will cause me to have a meltdown if we run into each other. So hopefully if she does see me before I see her she can avoid me quickly.

But I’m also just assuming she’s vacationing at the same time. Just because we couldn’t get our usual Labor Day time slot doesn’t mean she couldn’t get her weekend before Labor Day time slot.

I had to miss last week because I was sick, and now we miss next week because you are on holiday. Weird seeing you only once in a month. Especially now. I wish I could go on a train ride too. Hope it’s fun, please don’t get covid while you are there.

I booked an art course tomorrow. I am hoping that I can allow it to be the distraction that I need it to be.

Hey T. I have a feeling i’m not going to hear back from the vet’s before I see you tonight, so i will be unable to process whatever the results are for Jack. Ugh.

Dear T, it was so good talking to you this morning. I felt like you understood everything and that my trusting in the process has strengthen. I can't wait til next Thurs when we see each other again. I feel so much better.