[*Beth*]

After two+ years of therapy I'm finding that I'm extremely attached to my therapist. It's becoming difficult when I don't see her for days (we have sessions twice/week).

We had a session last week in which we somewhat talked about my attachment to her; she essentially said it's okay. But I'm not sure she realizes how deeply I am attached to her. One major reason I feel embarrassed to tell her is because I feel I have gotten ugly over the past year. I feel like she'll be disgusted by my attachment to her. In addition, I feel foolish for thinking such a thought. It sounds ridiculous to me, but the thought is stuck there. I'm also ashamed because I have bipolar disorder and I'm afraid she'll think Yuck, this ugly, crazy woman is too attached to me. Does anyone else feel like this? How do you handle it?

[crihb2000]

What do you mean when you say you are crazy attached? Do you think about her all the time, email/text her often, etc? I am very attached to my therapist and have made it pretty clear how attached I am. It never seemed like she had a problem with it. I tell her often that I am scared to lose her and etc. But, I am not too dependent on her. So, I don't feel the need to email her, text her, etc constantly or in between sessions. But, I do think of her everyday. She is an attachment-based therapist though. So, I don't know if that makes a difference.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by crihb2000

What do you mean when you say you are crazy attached? Do you think about her all the time, email/text her often, etc? I am very attached to my therapist and have made it pretty clear how attached I am. It never seemed like she had a problem with it. I tell her often that I am scared to lose her and etc. But, I am not too dependent on her. So, I don't feel the need to email her, text her, etc constantly or in between sessions. But, I do think of her everyday. She is an attachment-based therapist though. So, I don't know if that makes a difference.

No, I don't text at all and seldom email. I just feel attached to her in my mind and think about her almost constantly. I doubt she has an idea of how strongly attached I feel.

[SlumberKitty]

I was super attached to former T. She let me email and text her. I would email maybe once a week for a long email and then maybe a couple of shorter ones. (Really she should not have let me email her except for maybe when she was out of country because it really made the attachment worse.) I don't think she ever knew how attached I was to her until the last session when I was crying so hard because we had to stop (she got MS). With current T, I try hard to not get attached. So far it's working. I concentrate on some of her human flaws (whereas I overlooked those with former T) so it keeps her more real and less for lack of a better word idealized.


I doubt your T sees you as ugly or crazy. When you care about someone you see the best in them.

[RoxanneToto]

I think to start changing this mindset would take some conscious choice - reminding yourself that you don’t have to be perfect to be found worthy of love by another person, learning to accept and love yourself for who you are.
Admittedly I understand very little about bipolar, so I hope these aren’t totally inappropriate suggestions (I also admit I’m not handling the knowledge I don’t love myself very well right now, and I also don’t have a super strong attachment to my own T but it could happen. I don’t think I’d handle that very well, either, so maybe I’m being a little hypocritical here lol).
Nobody deserves to feel ashamed because they like someone else, though.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, if wanted. I've worried before that my T thinks "Ugh, I'm stuck with her now." Because I felt abandoned by my ex-marriage counselor after being very attached, so I think he realizes how much it could damage me if he also rejected me. And I can be needy at times (see: the email I just sent him). He's hung in there with me, including through a few ruptures (and my leaving briefly at one point). But he's also a sports psychologist, and I think to myself, wouldn't he rather just be working with an athlete, where it's more straightforward? And I feel ashamed of the attachment, because he was initially quite uncomfortable with it (not sure if you've heard the full stone story). He's come around some and seems to understand and accept it, but I just worry about being "too much"--like too needy, too attached.


As for handling it--talking to him about it. Trying to accept that he chooses who to work with, so if it was really that big of an issue, he'd refer me out. And if he hasn't by now, then I doubt he would. So I'd try talking to her about your feelings. I imagine they probably also affect you in your outside life, too, in relationships with people? I know they do with me, in terms of "this person must feel stuck with me" for friends and my H. So it would be good to talk about in terms of that as well.

[Mountaindewed]

I was terribly attached to my old T strictly as a result of my change in hormones. I literally wanted her attention constantly and I was jealous of her other clients. She had no idea how bad it was until I finally got the nerve and admitted how she was making me feel was causing me to be unable to function and get on with my life. Once I spilled my guts 10 months after the attachment started I felt better. I never did tell her the news she told me was the reason I lost control and ended up in IOP. Once I was able to move on from her it was tough for about 3 weeks. Those 3 weeks I was just so heartbroken. Then after my second session yesterday I felt much better. Like a whole new person. Now my new T seems almost like the old one but I don’t feel attached to her. Although I do kind of want her attention but it’s basically to prove a point about something that I won’t talk about on here.

[crihb2000]

Originally Posted by BethRags

No, I don't text at all and seldom email. I just feel attached to her in my mind and think about her almost constantly. I doubt she has an idea of how strongly attached I feel.

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. It is okay to feel attached. Attachment doesn't always mean it is a bad thing. Be kind to yourself It helped me when I told my therapist about my attachment to her. And based off of her reaction, I knew she was glad to hear it and was so happy I shared with her (she teared up).

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I was super attached to former T. She let me email and text her. I would email maybe once a week for a long email and then maybe a couple of shorter ones. (Really she should not have let me email her except for maybe when she was out of country because it really made the attachment worse.) I don't think she ever knew how attached I was to her until the last session when I was crying so hard because we had to stop (she got MS).

I'm sorry; that must have been terribly painful.

With current T, I try hard to not get attached. So far it's working. I concentrate on some of her human flaws (whereas I overlooked those with former T) so it keeps her more real and less for lack of a better word idealized.

That's so interesting! A clever way to work with your own mind.

I doubt your T sees you as ugly or crazy. When you care about someone you see the best in them.

That's a good thought to keep in mind, though hard for me to accept.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I think to start changing this mindset would take some conscious choice - reminding yourself that you don’t have to be perfect to be found worthy of love by another person, learning to accept and love yourself for who you are.
Admittedly I understand very little about bipolar, so I hope these aren’t totally inappropriate suggestions (I also admit I’m not handling the knowledge I don’t love myself very well right now, and I also don’t have a super strong attachment to my own T but it could happen. I don’t think I’d handle that very well, either, so maybe I’m being a little hypocritical here lol).
Nobody deserves to feel ashamed because they like someone else, though.

Thank you! Your post is helpful, it really is. The way I grew up, being imperfect (the standard of which changed by the hour) was a valid reason not to be worthy of love. It's something I struggle mightily with and need to focus on more in therapy.

Strangely, it took me a long time to decide I even wanted to "settle" with my T. It was a good 18 months in before I decided to really dig in and work with her. Once I attached, the attachment was stronger than I had expected it to be.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

.... I imagine they probably also affect you in your outside life, too, in relationships with people? I know they do with me, in terms of "this person must feel stuck with me" for friends and my H. So it would be good to talk about in terms of that as well.

God, YES!!!!

Hugs to you, too

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I was terribly attached to my old T strictly as a result of my change in hormones. I literally wanted her attention constantly and I was jealous of her other clients. She had no idea how bad it was until I finally got the nerve and admitted how she was making me feel was causing me to be unable to function and get on with my life. Once I spilled my guts 10 months after the attachment started I felt better. I never did tell her the news she told me was the reason I lost control and ended up in IOP. Once I was able to move on from her it was tough for about 3 weeks. Those 3 weeks I was just so heartbroken. Then after my second session yesterday I felt much better. Like a whole new person. Now my new T seems almost like the old one but I don’t feel attached to her. Although I do kind of want her attention but it’s basically to prove a point about something that I won’t talk about on here.

I know, you basically went to hell and back with your former T. I so hope the current relationship is less rocky for you. Thanks, Md

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by crihb2000

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. It is okay to feel attached. Attachment doesn't always mean it is a bad thing. Be kind to yourself It helped me when I told my therapist about my attachment to her. And based off of her reaction, I knew she was glad to hear it and was so happy I shared with her (she teared up).

Aw, that's wonderful. Your T sounds like a good one.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't know how, but L and I have worked through similar. I used to think I would taint her or her space in some way. Like hugging her or holding her blanket or talking about ex-T; are just some examples. She reassures me that I haven't tainted her. I also am worried that she feels stuck with me or regrets things/our relationship. She also reassures me she has no regrets.

L knows how attached I am to her. She even knows I have maternal transference with her. I'm glad she knows. It's a secret I don't have to hide. I wish I remember how I was able to communicate such things, but I don't.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I don't know how, but L and I have worked through similar. I used to think I would taint her or her space in some way. Like hugging her or holding her blanket or talking about ex-T; are just some examples. She reassures me that I haven't tainted her. I also am worried that she feels stuck with me or regrets things/our relationship. She also reassures me she has no regrets.

L knows how attached I am to her. She even knows I have maternal transference with her. I'm glad she knows. It's a secret I don't have to hide. I wish I remember how I was able to communicate such things, but I don't.

It sounds so good with L - and you likely have a talent for self-expression. I believe my therapist would respond in a similar way if she knew how attached I feel to her...she has said some of the same to me. I just wish I knew how to explain my feelings to her in some deeper way than simply saying I feel very attached to you. Yeah, well duh...No, but I mean VERY attached, so what am I supposed to do?

I can't seem to dig out the words. I think I'm terrified of either rejection, or that she'll take me lightly and miss the cue.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Yes I'm terribly attached to my T. I always knew it, but it's really hit home over the last few months due to various things going on from both sides. I see my T once a week but I can send messages between sessions, albeit I really try to curb the need to and sit with my feelings more.

I have told her but like you I'm not sure she really knows how deep it goes. I've even hinted at attraction and she's been fine with it so far, but I guess I'm scared to admit honestly just how I feel about her. Each time I have hinted I've walked away from the session feeling more at peace with it, so I think (at least from my experience) talking it through, as impossible as it admittedly feels, seems to be the key to dealing with the feelings.

[TunedOut]

I think I'm terrified of either rejection, or that she'll take me lightly and miss the cue.

I assume you feel this way because it happened before (but you may not remember a specific incident if it was tied to childhood in a subtle way)? My POV is that this is a type of phobia--if she reacts in the way you worry about, it will hurt but you will get through it and find you survive it. The next time will be easier. Though you have said she probably won't act this way--perhaps rejection isn't always a bad thing? Sometimes life is disappointing and we have to face it rather than avoid it. We all avoid things though--including me. It is just that we all have different phobias. And I find your posts to be beautiful--you are intelligent, sensitive and caring--you are not crazy, you are just more aware of your crazy side!

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by BethRags

It sounds so good with L - and you likely have a talent for self-expression. I believe my therapist would respond in a similar way if she knew how attached I feel to her...she has said some of the same to me. I just wish I knew how to explain my feelings to her in some deeper way than simply saying I feel very attached to you. Yeah, well duh...No, but I mean VERY attached, so what am I supposed to do?

I can't seem to dig out the words. I think I'm terrified of either rejection, or that she'll take me lightly and miss the cue.

I do find each time I disclosed something about how attached I am to her to be valuable. The anxiety lessens, and I feel more comfortable to be myself. I think it has also strengthened our relationship. She's helping me right now with object constancy, so I can hold her in mind and heart and not feel so dependent on her. She says the goal is finding interdependence and learning how to balance being independent with still getting my needs met.

If you can't seem to find the right words, maybe try poetry or quotes to find those words. L and I use those a lot because they sometimes can convey a message more clearly than my own simple words. Or maybe even using a song or a movie character can help. We use that sometimes too.

I do think if you're T seems supportive of attachment of any kind, that you might find relief by expressing your deep attachment to her. Even just not having to hold onto that anxiety.

L and I have recently explored ways that my attachment manifests? Like fantasies or I even told her about a sex dream I had about her. Those were HARD topics! Still embarrassed. But I no longer feel ashamed. We explored the meanings behinds them and how they were not violating to her. We've also been working on words like nurture and intimacy within our relationship. That's still hard for me too.

Maybe don't just jump in with both feet if you're scared of rejection? Maybe just test the waters slowly?

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree with Scarlet's suggestion to test the waters slowly. You don't need to share it all at once.

[Rive.]

Reading your post, the thought that came to me was: it is okay to have needs. There is nothing shameful about it.

Your therapist is seemingly giving you something you may not have had at a time when you most needed it (young child). It makes sense to feel attached and want that, or more of that.

The 'yuck', 'crazy, ugly' statements you use about yourself make me feel sad as this is rather harsh towards that part of you that just wants... love? to be loved? to be wholly accepted? This a basic human need.. Far be it from me to project what your T would feel but, I would lean more towards compassion rather than judging you as yucky or ugly etc.

[Taylor27]

I never imagine myself getting attached to another therapist after one who I was with for 7 years dumped me one afternoon. With the therapist who I see now im finding myself feeling the same way feeling very attached to her. I know it's because she has been so helpful and understanding. I don't know if im ready to let my therapist know because im afraid of being rejected. Hugs

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

Yes I'm terribly attached to my T. I always knew it, but it's really hit home over the last few months due to various things going on from both sides. I see my T once a week but I can send messages between sessions, albeit I really try to curb the need to and sit with my feelings more.

I have told her but like you I'm not sure she really knows how deep it goes. I've even hinted at attraction and she's been fine with it so far, but I guess I'm scared to admit honestly just how I feel about her. Each time I have hinted I've walked away from the session feeling more at peace with it, so I think (at least from my experience) talking it through, as impossible as it admittedly feels, seems to be the key to dealing with the feelings.

You remind me that bringing out even some of how I feel is better than not talking about it at all.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by TunedOut

I assume you feel this way because it happened before (but you may not remember a specific incident if it was tied to childhood in a subtle way)? My POV is that this is a type of phobia--if she reacts in the way you worry about, it will hurt but you will get through it and find you survive it. The next time will be easier. Though you have said she probably won't act this way--perhaps rejection isn't always a bad thing? Sometimes life is disappointing and we have to face it rather than avoid it. We all avoid things though--including me. It is just that we all have different phobias. And I find your posts to be beautiful--you are intelligent, sensitive and caring--you are not crazy, you are just more aware of your crazy side!

Wow, thank you TunedOut. Thank you so much

I totally agree that it IS a type of phobia. And that might actually be a good starting point...as in I have this feeling that feels like a phobia...I feel very attached to you, but I'm afraid that you (and so on).

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Rive.

Reading your post, the thought that came to me was: it is okay to have needs. There is nothing shameful about it.

Your therapist is seemingly giving you something you may not have had at a time when you most needed it (young child). It makes sense to feel attached and want that, or more of that.

The 'yuck', 'crazy, ugly' statements you use about yourself make me feel sad as this is rather harsh towards that part of you that just wants... love? to be loved? to be wholly accepted? This a basic human need.. Far be it from me to project what your T would feel but, I would lean more towards compassion rather than judging you as yucky or ugly etc.

Thank you, Rive. You are spot on...I feel like I have the chance for my T to give to me what I did find in childhood, which was consistent acceptance. My mom had textbook BPD, so everything (including me) was black/white. I was either "absolutely beautiful" or 'shamefully unattractive" - it all depended upon her mood.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Cheryl27

I never imagine myself getting attached to another therapist after one who I was with for 7 years dumped me one afternoon. With the therapist who I see now im finding myself feeling the same way feeling very attached to her. I know it's because she has been so helpful and understanding. I don't know if im ready to let my therapist know because im afraid of being rejected. Hugs

I'm so sorry you went through such a painful experience with your former therapist. It's only natural that you would feel afraid to attach again. But it's great that you have!