Couch 238: Appreciating Small Progress Couch

Glad he's doing better and that you keep testing negative!

So that was an interesting session with Dr. T. I'd been reading some of my posts on here from like 7 years ago with ex-T and ex-MC, so I talked about a bit of my observations with that. One of which was how much conflict there seemed to be with ex-MC. Dr. T said he got the sense that the strong rapport between us (me and ex-MC) sort of overrode some of the other stuff with him for me.

I forget who mentioned this first (I think me?), but we ended up comparing it to a romantic relationship where the two people have a strong sexual connection that can make them ignore problems in the relationship. Then when that connection fades, the relationship tends to fall apart spectacularly. He said he'd observed that with some people he'd seen. At first, I thought he meant people he'd dated and thought "well, that's a little more than I needed to know," then realized, from something else he said, that he meant people he'd seen as clients.

I mentioned how he was so accepting of me, until he suddenly wasn't. That it had felt good to me because I didn't get that in childhood. Dr. T said he wondered how ultimately helpful it was to me though, as people in the outside world aren't generally as accepting as him. Which was an interesting point that I'll need to think on more.

Then we made fun of him a bit, as I'd said I'd forgotten how annoying he could be at times (from reading the posts). We talked about his corny dad/grandfather jokes (they worked together at one point), and Dr. T said, "Plus he's often late and also nasally when he talks." Me: "Therapist rating. 3 stars: Too nasally!"

Ugh. Getting a migraine again. I took some medicine and shut off all the lights in my office. My eye is like twitching or something and it is bugging me. I'm trying to ignore it.

We are having more rain -which we don't need at the moment after some torrential downpours brought a lot of flooding

The only Dunkin' Donuts we have left is at the airport. I think. But you can't walk 2 feet in the Northeast without falling over one. I thought you were in the land of Tim Horton's (I mean not canada but that your state had them)

unaluna are you excited about the donuts or the coffee? I have really been enjoying Dutch Bros (coffee) since they opened up here for coffee. A little too much! I can easily find myself going there before work. But I really do not need a $6 coffee 5 times a week. Lol. (That's $30 a week or $120 a month!) We get donuts at work once a week. Used to be on Fridays but now it is on Thursdays. Only today I didn't get there fast enough and there were only yucky kinds left. Boo hoo. So I had a banana instead.

Yes we have Tim's here. I dont think the UK people would like his famous Timsbits!

There are a couple of tims in town, neither near me. Not like this Dunkin'. It might get me back using apostrophes again!

Im a little afraid to drink "store coffee" again. Im getting very sensitive to caffeine in my old age. If i have 2 cups at home, i dont properly conk out.

I still need to make a trip to the new cannoli bakery. Maybe i will rent a car for my next dr appt and put it on my itinerary.

I am very exhausted and dissociated right now. I have about half an hour left at work so I am chilling a bit. I had a very busy day at work! Feast or famine. Today was feast. For sure. And everyone needed something from me.

I have aftercare tonight. I am very very tired but I will go. (It's on Zoom!) I really want to just go home and sleep but I missed the last two weeks because the first week my sister's children were here and then last week my sister's children were here and I was volunteering at Church. I want to go home and go to bed because I did not sleep well last night at all. I was up at 1 AM watching Murder She Wrote on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries because I could not sleep. I usually do not want to go to aftercare and then I go and then I am glad that I went. I assume the same will be true tonight.

Tomorrow night I am supposed to have dinner with a friend, but she still has not told me where she wants to go. I hope she does not bail on me like last time. I really need some sleep.

But if you go to therapy to re-work old patterns (which I think you do although certainly not everybody does or wants to), then being with a therapist who is very accepting is generally helpful. There is nobody more accepting of you than a good-enough parent.

Signed,
Somebody who spent the evening accepting/thoughtfully responding to much more nonsense from my three-year-old than anybody in the outside world could or should

I had a Dunkin' donut several months ago and didn't enjoy it enough to finish it. Too dry and bland. There is a local place and a local chain near me that both have ruined me for other donuts. I'm not a coffee drinker, though, so I can't comment there.

That's a good point (and I hear you on the taking nonsense from your child!).

I also feel like Dr. T is doing some key things that my parents didn't do, like, for example, letting me know that you can be irritated with someone, but it doesn't necessarily damage the relationship. In other word, that someone can feel negatively toward you at times, but it's OK. I know I was really upset about that a couple months ago (and I still don't feel some of his methods are the best), but I think some of it is sinking in now.

I suppose the ideal, in terms of a parent, is maybe somewhere in the middle? I don't know. Being very accepting, yet also teaching, in part through example, that some conflict and disagreement are OK (which I didn't get from my parents).

I feel like my parents just hid all the negative emotions. Like I don't recall ever really seeing them have disagreements, let alone arguments or fights. There was no model for that (and I didn't have siblings). My mom gave me the message that I had to be the perfect friend or student or girlfriend or I'd be rejected. And in my few moments of talking back to her in my teen years, she'd start crying (OK, so that was a negative emotion), saying she thought we were close. (So I just postponed my rebellion to college and my early 20s.) So then it felt like a conflict with a friend or a boss or a partner was the end of the world (mostly, I just avoided conflict as best I could for a long time).

The thing is, I believe most parents are really trying to do the best they can. They don't always get it right but I don't think it is because they didn't want to. I am not saying you can't want things to be different or make them different -just I didn't ever buy into the blame your mother for everything therapy school. Sometimes they are afraid for you and are trying, misguided perhaps, to help or protect you in ways that didn't work for you. And I have friends who are in their 60s and still blaming their parents even after years of therapy. I think a more reasonable goal of therapy is to put their parenting into perspective. Parents do d good things and they do things that missed the mark (I am not talking about abject neglect or abuse)

But I didn't hire the therapist because of my parents.

They may be trying the best they can, but they can still be, say, poorly attuned to their kids, not meet their needs, etc.


Also, I know I could certainly be a much better parent. That's also part of why I go to therapy.

Yes they can be more or less attuned. But everything ebbs and flows. Plus I don't think my generation of parents had ever heard of attunement or everybody gets a trophy or feeling bad is something that kids need to be protected from. It may be the language I object to - instead of my mother did x to me - perhaps -when my parents did X I took it as Y.

I don't think acceptance and conflict are mutually exclusive, though. Acceptance is like, "you're a good person with a good heart, your feelings are valid, and I'm here for you no matter what." But that doesn't mean you don't set boundaries (which they may hate and get upset with you about) or get annoyed by their behavior or tell them that you don't support what they are doing or let them experience the natural consequences of their actions.

I agree--it's essentially what I meant by the parent being somewhere in the middle of those, though I suppose that implies they'd be less accepting. I guess a better description would be having both of those elements, where they're accepting, but also setting boundaries, expressing annoyance, not protecting them from negative consequences, etc.

What do you mean by accepting?

I know children and pets are different but I have a tweaky dog who is afraid of his own shadow. He was not mistreated but his litter was neglected some and not held and such as a tiny pup. I got him when he was 4 mos old. He makes me nuts and I am not good when he is scared of stupid ****. I would not be good with a child who was afraid of life either. I try to be patient with him, I never would hurt him intentionally, he is the sweetest little guy when he isn't being terrified of some non-threat. I am able to work with him on things like -scared of walking around a corner for about 1 minute before I am like "just ****ing walk" -luckily he is dog and does not understand me. Do I accept that he is a tweaky little nutcase? yes I do - and I hire more patient trainers for him from time to time. I also just pick him up and carry him over scary things (usually while telling him he is a giant nutcase). Sometimes the cat terrifies him because ancient cat can't always jump on the couch and falls off - life terrifies him. Does one keep the cat (who has lived here 21 years vs 7 for dog) away? IT is demented
cat's home too -but dog gets scared. Who wins?

The cat should win. Always.

Pretty sure someone in therapy somewhere feels that their parents were too accepting.

This explains everything. Timmy’s doesn’t use apostrophes, so neither do you.

Two words: Federal Donuts.

Ok, googled it. For a minute there i thought you meant Mike Pompeo!

I never hear "my parents did this and therefore i believed x, not y, which i now realize is not true" as BLAME. It's just the facts, ma'am. Stating a sequence of events.

Like i ALWAYS lock the car door, and NEVER leave my backpack in it. Yet every week on NextDoor, oh boo hoo my purse was stolen out of my unlocked car, what kind of evil world do we live in?! Well i would definitely blame your parents for not teaching you right! I may need to ask for a trigger warning for car break-in posts cuz man they irkle me!

Actually cat is more like Mr. magoo at this point and he doesn't know winning or losing but I think he does win because the dog goes to his bed as far from the couch as possible (I have 4 dog beds in the living room and 3 in the bedroom because the two cats like to sleep on them from time to time. Just to mess with the dogs I think.

I am sure if in therapy the dog would tell the therapist his minion always takes the cat's side.

I disagree -saying my parents did X to me is not a fact in most cases. The parent might have been trying to do MNOP but it was interpreted as X.

I would never blame parents for that. I worry about you.

Thats what im saying, its not about what they did, its the interpretation and the resulting result.

Like how i go off now when somebody says they didnt lock their car door. It is incomprehensible to me. Thats what worries me about me! Im a clockwork orange.

I have no idea what any of this means. Aramaic? or Mandarin?

A, im agreeing with you.
2, why dont people lock their cars? The manufacturers keep making it easier. Its a push button now! Or maybe, HOW? How can they do it? My dominion does not extend that far.