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#751
Sep 23, 2023, 06:50 AM
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Steeling myself to go and watch a National Theatre production of a Neil Gaiman book.
When checking timings, I discovered a content warning for
Possible trigger:
Hoping that I will manage to cope with it.
__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
 ArtieTheSequal, Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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#752
Sep 23, 2023, 12:20 PM
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I survived...we'll talk about it on Thursday, but I made it through.
Six or seven references might need a bit more than a minor CW...
__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
| ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight
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#753
Sep 23, 2023, 01:29 PM
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I don't know if I should tell you I have a stomach bug and thats why I was sick on Thursday. I kinda feel like you should know because my mom has it too so I am contagious. But I absolutly do not want to hear any talk about food in your email. I don't care if its broth and gatorade. I don't want to hear about it. You always turn the conversation to food somehow and I can't keep anything down today and I just don't want to hear it. Your "advice" will be triggering today.
__________________
"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka |
| ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight
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#754
Sep 23, 2023, 02:18 PM
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Sometimes I feel like you don't really give a shyt about me
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight
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#755
Sep 23, 2023, 11:18 PM
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Dear E: I wonder if it should just be “T,” as I didnt hear from T at all this week, nor did i try and contact her. I feel like she’s been trying to squeeze me in every week, and I feel bad enough about that, but add on the fact that i am not paying, is too much. I know i’ve seen her for 8 years, and I probably shouldn’t just let our relationship just sort of stop like that. Also, i probably won’t reach out to her either. I know I should be feeling some sort of feeling around this, but I don’t, at least not right now.
I feel so stupid that I keep emailing you when i know that you can’t do therapy over email. it just was a rough rest of the week, and today was especially hard with the self-hatred and body image stuff. I don’t even think i conveyed the level of my despair very well, either. what do you do when you can’t stand being in your own body anymore? but only do things to make you feel worse about it? wtf, E?! I don’t know. |
| ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight
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#756
Sep 24, 2023, 06:37 AM
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Feeling really depressed and helpless. I keep asking people for help, but they just give me advice that doesn't apply to my situation.
I even asked on a cptsd support group, and they made me feel worse. Why am I always to blame for everything? As if I'm not trying everything I can? But trying won't help, will it. Nothing works, I ****ing hate it |
| ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
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#757
Sep 24, 2023, 10:52 AM
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I remember you saying that maybe my marriage has served its purpose, raising our son, and now that he is successfully living and working in another state, that it wouldn't be considered a failure if I ended it; that maybe it has just run it's natural course and there's no "bad guy" that I perceive I would be if I left; that it's nobody's fault.
I don't believe any of that, though, which is essentially the problem. I cannot break my marriage vows; I may not go to church every Sunday anymore but I still consider them sacred. Well, if he cheated on me, stole from me, or hit me or something, I would not force myself to stay. I would leave under that type of circumstance. But my being annoyed with him for not being more supportive of my upcoming surgery/procedure (and other such annoyances)? Those are not enough for me to break my vows. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. |
| LonesomeTonight, Mountaindewed
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#758
Sep 24, 2023, 11:52 AM
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Artie - sorry for intruding. Two things.
Google Death by a thousand cuts. You know theres ptsd and theres cptsd, where cptsd is not one big trauma but cumulative occurrences. You know everyone here will support you whichever way it goes for you.  Maybe theres a way to live more independently - more in line with what you would do IF - even while staying together? Plus it might help him to grow a little. |
 ArtieTheSequal, Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight
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#759
Sep 25, 2023, 10:33 AM
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I told you about the stomach flu and that I may have been contagious when we met. And I told you I didnt want to talk about food and what would make me feel better because food was a big trigger right now. I was worried you would get offended but you sent a nice email and just said your sorry I'm feeling sick and that you are totally fine and not to worry and to feel better" You had some ! In there so I knew you werent mad at me. But you didn't even mention drinking water so I'm glad you understood what I was saying.
__________________
"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka |
| LonesomeTonight
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#760
Sep 25, 2023, 12:22 PM
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64 days and I'm still feeling hurt by you. Some days I'm fine. Others it moves to anger.
I imagine writing a public negative review, but don't. Why should I always aim to be better? Day 6 of gym done. I'm grateful I still don't have real problems. That I can afford to eat. Have hot water and electricity.
__________________
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| ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, Mountaindewed
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#761
Sep 25, 2023, 04:55 PM
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Dear T,
I don't think I can talk about this, but right at the end of session today--maybe it was because I was wearing my glasses right after we'd scheduled? But I was looking at you and for a minute, it was like I really saw *you*, like I was taking in the gray in your beard, almost like I was seeing you as this whole person? Not some idealized being. Maybe it's because you told me about the arthritis in your ankles and also your recent athletic victory. I don't know. It felt meaningful in some way. Or maybe it just means I need to be wearing my glasses for more than reading and driving... Love, LT |
| Elio
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#762
Sep 25, 2023, 06:44 PM
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oops.
i'm sorry. you know if you don't respond to my check-in i'm going to sit over here worrying that you're dead. damn it. |
| Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#763
Sep 25, 2023, 06:49 PM
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i hate my brain
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| Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#764
Sep 25, 2023, 07:15 PM
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Dear J,
really curious as to what you think my "secret" is. Do you know I've done multiple things that could've gotten me arrested today? Do you know I'm off my meds? Do you know I have an obsession with the person that let me stay with them and I'm incredibly upset they put up boundaries (that I'm going to respect)? Or is it something else? Or is it something you've made up? I'll be honest with pdoc tomorrow. About why I'm super itchy right now and that I'm only on some meds anyways. I hope she bans me from benzos forever.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#765
Sep 25, 2023, 07:26 PM
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L,
I really feel like you were cold to me today. Just not emotionally with me. Maybe too much into logical. Idk. I also feel that I've been taking a lot of the blame lately instead of you owning your part of the dance. Something is off, L, and it's not just me. I almost read you as being mad, but I know that can't be it. But you are definitely not coming off as nurturing or even trying to be emotionally present with me.
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| ArtieTheSequal, Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#766
Sep 25, 2023, 09:29 PM
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My t talks to much, listens too little, and I don’t really feel like I look forward to seeing them. I kind of want to just get it out of the way. Fortunately I only have to go every two weeks.
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| Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#767
Sep 25, 2023, 09:41 PM
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  will the height of my stupidity ever be reached? will I never learn?! 
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| Elio, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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#768
Sep 26, 2023, 09:54 AM
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Dr. S, I started wondering if I choose to see Dr. P over Dr. G as a form of punishment. Yes, it has a logical base. I can pretty much come up with logical bases for many of my decisions. Emotionally, Dr. G would have given me so much more that I crave and got/get from you. So am I denying myself pleasures/enjoyment/joy/good feelings because I want to make myself suffer? If I'm suppose to go with my intuition on this; I would say I am.
I wish you would stop telling me how much you think I will enjoy working with Dr. P and how glad you are that I am seeing him. It feels like you are trying to ease your own guilt than support me. And maybe that is accurate. It also feels right. |
| ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight
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#769
Sep 26, 2023, 11:30 AM
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ah so i am also wondering if you are not responding to my check-in email because it's too much therapy-related, and if that's the case, I really should know better after so many years, but... it honestly was just, me being caught up in the excitement of clarity; and there's also the possibility that you've read on my poetry blog again and realized a couple of the new ones are more than a little bit about/to you and you just plain don't know how to respond. I get both of those reasons, and thinking about them as why, feels a lot better than worrying you are dead. Now maybe I will stop googling obituaries. I really hate my brain. I'm the one that left therapy, but I still.can't.let.you.go.
Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Sep 26, 2023 at 12:05 PM. |
| Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#770
Sep 27, 2023, 11:59 AM
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...at least I'm not obsessively checking my email anymore. there's a certain, well, comfort and sort of strength in myself (not sure that's the right word?) I've found in sitting with your non-response and figuring out the most likely why behind it. I am choosing to believe that you are not dead, that you read my check-in email and thought it was too much therapy-related so did not respond for that reason, chalking the sending of it up to my excitement at the clarity I was feeling at the time of sending, and leaving it at that.
Perhaps I have learned something after all in the umpteen years since we met. Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Sep 27, 2023 at 12:17 PM. |
| Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#771
Sep 27, 2023, 12:10 PM
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T,
can you teach me how to give a flying fk?
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| ArtieTheSequal, Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#772
Sep 27, 2023, 02:03 PM
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oh and L? I think you should warn people at the very start about what a difficult and convoluted relationship this can become. I don't know if I'll ever be able to emotionally break away from you; I just need to figure out how to live with that.
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| Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#773
Sep 27, 2023, 03:34 PM
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You didn't say anything but I could tell by your face you werent happy about me only having 10 saltine crackers to eat today. I'm glad we actually discussed more of my fears snd is and what is worrying me right now. I seemed more focused today. You also got my Hefflelumps reference when I said I felt deluisional from dehydration this past weekend.
__________________
"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka |
| Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#774
Sep 28, 2023, 10:41 AM
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Talk of medical/legal
Hi Dr. S,
Possible trigger:
I think I am to the point where I am missing the idea of you/us more than actually missing you. And I worry that me stopping early will have made you see me differently and you won't give me the same considerations you did in the past; should we ever cross paths again. - me |
| ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight
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#775
Sep 28, 2023, 12:34 PM
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Rehab/PHP was all for naught. :YLou can't force me to change.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| Elio, LonesomeTonight
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