Couch 246: Choose Change

it's amazing what a difference letting go of resentment can make. i can see looking back just how much it had been poisoning both myself and my marriage. i don't ever want to hold onto any of it again.

Glad you're feeling better Art.

Did you also tell H about what you were feeling resentful about?

There's always two in a marriage. Not just you poisoning the water.

Hope you get it checked out Una.

No; this has all been internal work on my part (both in therapy and CoDA). And while it's true there's two in a marriage, and he contributes his own amount of b.s., this change in myself has gone a long way toward clearing the marital waters. Except for the sadness surrounding our old cat's issues, I'm feeling quite peaceful lately about everything.

hey una what you said in another thread about not getting too comfortable in your sinkhole, not decorating it, girrrrrl that's what i did with my resentment towards h. i did much more than just decorate that particular sinkhole. i freakin' burrowed down and hibernated in it. for years. that's probably why I had to keep going back to therapy. And it's also why I finally just had to let.that.****.go. I've kept myself underground for too long and I can't do it anymore.

Christmas Eve with in-laws: Survived! D had a rough time of it, though. Hoping she'll do better tomorrow with my parents. Not sure if she's not feeling well, stressed, or what is going on (she may not know either). She seems OK now that we're home, so maybe it was just overwhelming.

Also, I need to learn from my brother-in-law, who said he liked to take a walk after dinner and just left for 45 minutes.

Scarlet just uncovers stuff off me, and amazingly there is a layer of words that makes sense. As if all my feelings were processed in a design.

Artie, I'd just say not to blame yourself too much for this. As your H helped create that sinkhole, too. To not think it's just your fault for getting into and staying in the sinkhole. It's much more complicated than that. As in, resentment isn't without any sort of reason.

To me, resentment is another way of giving up power. Instead of taking responsibility to change one's situation - one focuses on another and their energy goes to the other rather than to changing what one can change to make them less unhappy.

This guy is probably a giant whackdoodle - but this makes some sense to me about resentment:
"In the spiritual world, the basic dictum is, “There are no justified resentments.” This statement is abhorred by the ego. “Oh yeah,” it says, but what about so-and-so?” It then goes through its laundry list and litany of horrors, violations of ‘rights’, injustices, presumptive arguments of ‘ethics’, ‘morality’, etc. Every counselor, sponsor, or professional is familiar with such recitations. To recover, the question one has to face is whether one wishes to cling to it (and thereby get the ‘juice’) or give it up. This is the point of decision, without which healing cannot occur."

From Transcending the Levels of Consciousness, ch. 2, pg.56-57
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Posted on January 5, 2021
Categories Thoughts & quotes from Sir David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D. & Susan Hawkins

Tonight it's so quiet, it feels like the panini all over again. Its kinda nice.

Happy Holidays to all! I am trying my best to get through it.
I am trying to accept that I have BPD but have been left in limbo for 3 weeks over Christmas as I am in the middle of a very long assessment. My life will make sense if I have it, which is good and bad and it’s a lot to process.
T offered me a Christmas check In session but Im weird about it because I feel like I’m undeserving of that kind of support and want to isolate myself as much as I can.
I hope you can all get through the holidays ok
Thanks for all the help and guidance I’ve got on here, can’t tell you how much I’ve appreciated it

Thank you for this, it gives me a better understanding of my own thought process in needing to just let the resentment go. My letting go of it wasn't really about blame at all. It was about clearing my vision more than anything; so yeah, it was about healing. I just didn't do a very good job of explaining where I was coming from. Although after the fact I did see just how much I'd contributed to the problems. It's funny that being so mired in it, I didn't even realize how much resentment I'd been holding onto until L mentioned it a couple weeks ago.

Happy Holidays to you, too. And hope you're getting through it OK. You deserve a Christmas check-in session. And if your T offered it, then your T believes that, too. Not sure if it's too late to accept it, like if it was for today or just sometime during the break. But I'd consider it.

You mean the Covid panini? Chives, onions, veal, iceberg lettuce, and Dijon? That panini?

Somebody on youtube called it panini because they said they would get "demonetized" - thats de-monetized, not demon-etized! kids nowadays! English nowadays! - if they used the real word.

Thank you, but I just can’t. It’s for later in the week but I won’t be messaging her. I am on my own and always have been and don’t know why I ever let myself think different.
It’s weird though because I would never miss a week and now that it’s an ‘extra thing’ in the middle of her being closed, I just can’t because it makes me too aware of taking up space that I do not deserve… and that is how I feel in life and it’s not as simple as she makes out.

Maybe you could try to take the word deserve out, if that stops you contacting her and see it differently.

She offers a service and gave the option of an extra top up . You can choose to take it during the break or not, but it does not depend on you having to reach a set value before being able to redeem it.

You sound just like her 😂
Thank you. I just can’t, I prepared for her absence for weeks and I’m not able to just switch back to that frame of mind where I ‘need’ someone.
My attachment issue does bother me though

silly cars. remember how i got a flat tire not long ago trying to get to therapy and had to get a new tire? well said new tire went flat now, and i had AAA come out and change it to the spare but when he took off the tire, one of the lug nut thingies broke off inside the lug nut, ugh so now I have only 3 on that tire. i got the tire itself fixed, but i can't get the lug nut bolt or whatever replaced until Saturday and I don't want to drive my car any farther than the place I'm getting it fixed with only 3 lug nuts! they couldn't fix it at the tire shop for whatever reason. so now I'll have to use h's car to get to my session on Friday because i don't want to drive it all the way up to t's (like 20 miles or something). he said it's ok, he doesn't mind not working friday afternoon, so i hope he doesn't change his mind. everyplace is so short on help right now; grocery stores, mechanics, the tire place, etc it sure takes longer than it used to to get stuff done.

I had no idea either Smothers Brother was still alive.

Yes - I have been watching clips of their old shows. I always thought they were very funny. RIP Tommy.

well our Stormy (senior cat) is continuing on. He's only eating the chicken baby food now if I mix a little milk in it. I ordered some more of the cat food gravy stuff that he likes, so he can have a little variety. He seems back to his normal self. Still sleeps a lot, as he is 18, but is not yowling as much as he had been before we went to the vet.

Hello! New to this forum. I am reaching out for help for my wife. We have been married for almost 8 years and together for almost 12 years. My wife is an artist (jewelry designer) and has not recovered from when her business crashed in 2008. We moved to SoCal about 8 years ago because of a career opportunity for me. We both thought we would be happy in SoCal but life has been really tough here. I have my job and that keeps me moving. My wife on the other hand has struggled a lot and had not been able to sustain her career or evolve into something else. We are pretty lonely here because we do not have that much friends and distan family here, and I think I have reached my limits in terms of how I can help her change. I am desperate in trying to find a good therapist for her to see if that helps and was wondering if there are any recommendations. She also has ADHD and GAD as me, and is also dyslexic. she has so much to give to this world and it breaks my heart and kills me to see her so stuck for so many years. However, her parents were not very supportive in here childhood so she does not have that grit to plow on regardless of the situation, or it needs to be re-awakened. Any advise on how to search for therapists in the SoCal area that have experience with working with highly creative people that are extremely stuck in their journey is very much appreciated, or what types of therapies are best in this case. The therapists in my healthcare plan for the most part are not that great. Thank you.

They made me what i am. Them, Kurt Vonnegut, and Beverly Cleary.

Glad he seems to be doing better.