[sunrise]

My session yesterday was divided in two, the first half where we talked intensely about something we found out we have in common. Very positive. I had other serious stuff to talk about, but T has told me before it is OK to share the positive with him too, so I did.

Then we got into the hard stuff I've been dealing with lately, and I dumped a mountain of anxiety into that room with us. I raised my voice a lot. I was angry (not at T). I swore. And made a lot of irrational statements, I'm sure. This is not the me he usually sees. I'm pretty contained, very rarely angry. I think he was a bit bowled over--where should he begin to help me with this? It was as if he was standing in a fierce wind, bracing himself, trying to remain upright so he could help. I don't think I gave him enough space to help me, I was too busy being angry.

I did not feel better at all after this session. Releasing anger does nothing for me. In fact, it makes me feel worse. I feel EMBARRASSED for my behavior in his office. I hate him seeing me be so dysfunctional. One thing I remember him saying was, "I can see how scared you are." So he saw this extended outburst as a manifestation of fear. I agree.

I have been struggling with wanting to contact T and apologize for my behavior. I almost emailed him last night. I just wanted to somehow connect and apologize for being so angry and irrational. But I felt also somehow that was not a good thing to do. That I should be able to be angry and not apologize. That he should be able to accept my anger in therapy. It is confusing. I have the strong urge to apologize but yet feel that is somehow not the right course either. I thought of emailing him a poem I sometimes read for reassurance when I go off the deep end (it helps normalize such volatile behavior for me)--I know he likes this poet too. But then I felt there was something kind of appeasatory about that, and maybe the poem was just an apology by any other name. What do you think--should I send a brief email to connect/apologize? Or is it OK for me to have been angry and not apologize or try to minimize it?

On the way out of his office, I asked him to be careful. With what he told to who. And that kind of pissed him off a bit, I could tell, maybe at me telling him how to do his job, or maybe because I was indicating I don't trust him to know what's best. (I have waived confidentiality between us, so I know he is going to go off and tell someone something about our session, and this causes me anxiety. I can't help it. It was related to the anger of the session.) Anyway, when I felt he was pissed at me, I backed off immediately, turned away from him, and went out the door. He immediately came after me and started saying stuff, like trying to make amends. He knew that was a little rupture at the end and he tried to make it all better. But he was just saying this stuff in the waiting room in front of the next client, and AAACCKKK, that does not work for me, I don't even know what he said, just that there is this male client I don't know from Adam listening to the end of our session. So I left quickly.

[lauren_helene]

Oh sunny, wait until you read my thread tonight. You and I just aren't having fun huh?

I would say you don't need to apologize, send an email, call etc. But I won't give you advice like that when I know I do the exact opposite.

I think you should call him, he'll take your call. I bet he understands though. I'm sorry you had a difficult session.

We could have a pity party together if that helps?

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
almeda24fan said:
Oh sunny, wait until you read my thread tonight. You and I just aren't having fun huh?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">OMG, I just read your thread seconds ago. I felt like we are sistahs tonight. I'll make some comments over there.

[sunrise]

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almeda24fan said:
I would say you don't need to apologize, send an email, call....

I think you should call him, he'll take your call.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Ha, great advice, almedafan. Really unambiguous!

[ECHOES]

sunny, You were real, authentic and in the moment.
I envy those who can 'be' right there in their session. T's want to and need to see all parts of us.

I think your behavior was real, authentic, brave, and necessary. I think it will add depth and dimension to your therapy

The desire to apologize might be interesting to explore in itself.

There's no guarantee we'll feel better afterwards. Nice when we do but sometimes it is days before I feel better.

[Perna]

I don't think we should ever apologize for sharing how we feel. The expression of anger can be helpful; your T caught how afraid you are, that's what it is for. One isn't supposed to feel better just because they express themselves, it often happens that way but I don't think that's a given. Expressing how one feels just gets it out there so it can be looked at; it's information. I think it works both ways but I don't think we can predict or control how the other person feels or responds. I think it can be difficult when we're first dealing with intense emotions to try to understand ourselves much less another. I like to look at intense things later rather than working with them while they're happening.

Sunny,
I have been struggling with the same thing lately! I have an angry outburst with T and then feel totally guilty. What you are feeling is normal. I think you should call your T to discuss it instead of worrying about it. Why suffer when you can just call him and settle the matter? Yes, T realizes that he should be able to accept your anger in therapy but that doesn't necessarily mean that he wouldn't feel better to hear from you. My T always says, no guilt here, no need to apologize. But I do and it does make me feel better. I tell him that I hate the fact that he is bearing the brunt of my anger that he didn't cause.

Maybe you could call him or send him a note saying, "I so very much appreciate you! I know you are bearing the brunt of my anger and I totally feel bad about this. I don't know if I should apologize or not, but I feel like I should. So, I am sorry. Thank you for being there."

Call him and tell him this or send him an email and end your worrying This is one time that there is something specific that you can do to end your pain, so do it! And don't feel bad about it

((((((((Sunny))))))))))

[sunrise]

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ECHOES said:
There's no guarantee we'll feel better afterwards. Nice when we do but sometimes it is days before I feel better.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Thanks, ECHOES, there's a lot of wisdom there. I think in my head is this idea that since letting anger out is so difficult and even painful for me, that in order for me to do it, I need to be assured there is some positive outcome, such as "it will make me feel better." But it doesn't make me feel better, in fact, it makes me feel worse (very embarrassed, etc.), so then I get to thinking, well, that was a mistake, that helped nothing! So why do it again? But maybe there doesn't have to be a benefit in order for me to allow myself to be angry? That's what I'm getting from your post, and I think I have to mull that over. And as you said, maybe there is a different benefit to releasing the anger in session--it allows T to see more parts of me. And that will allow him to know and help me better.

Maybe being angry doesn't have to benefit me or anyone and that's OK. Maybe I don't need to have to justify being angry, I can just be that way. These are really novel thoughts for me, ECHOES!

[chaotic13]

Sunrise, does this sound like the type of apology you would send:

On the ride home I realized I got a bit angry towards the end of the session. I’m sorry for displacing it on you. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful raising my voice and drop a bunch of f-bombs. I know you are trained to take it, but it doesn’t mean you should have to. Sorry

I fired this email off to my T after my last session. It was a difficult session. I felt like she smacked me around a bit. I held things in check until near the end when we talked about a relationship issue. At that point stuff just started to ooze out of my pores. My anger was not directed at her but I did feel like my voice had raised and I definitely said the f-word a few times.

In hindsight I think the anger inside felt a lot more intense than what actually came out. From my perspective today, sending the above email just made me look like more of an idiot. If I could retract it I would.

Although you may be losing sleep over the interaction, I'm sure he isn't. You might consider holding your apology until your next face-to-face meeting. Then just start the session with, "Hey, last session I felt like I may have been a bit too expressive." "If this was the case, please accept my apology." If in fact you were too expressive, then you've recognized it, apologize and the rupture should be fixed. You both can move on to other matters. If on the other hand, he felt that your expressiveness was in fact a good thing (maybe just needs some refinement), then you've opened the dialog and you both will talk about it. If I had the chance travel back in time, this is how I would handle it now.

[MissCharlotte]

((Sunny))

Hold onto your anger. I think it is telling you something.

Lots of hugs.

[sunrise]

There are so many good responses here that are really helping me process this. Thank you, everyone.

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Perna said:
I don't think we should ever apologize for sharing how we feel. The expression of anger can be helpful; your T caught how afraid you are, that's what it is for.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, you are right, Perna (as always, so insightful!). My anger was an effort at communication, so T would know the depth of my fear. I was like a cornered, wild animal. They are frightened, and they lash out. He saw my fear. I think it was a much more powerful expression than saying calming and rationally to him, "I am very scared." He knows now, and we can work on this.

Soliaree, thanks for your support. It sounds like you get some of those same feelings after anger (embarrassment, guilt) that I do. Right this moment, I am feeling, inside, that I am a grown adult, and have the right to be angry on occasion. It is the child within me, who was never allowed to express anger, who has this urge to apologize to T and get his "forgiveness" or "approval" or "reassurance" for my angry outburst. T and I have talked before about healthy adult relationships, which consist of two differentiated partners, each with their own feelings, goals, interests, and thoughts. My apologizing would be a step away from such a healthy relationship. I am an adult, I don't need T's approval (she said, bravely). I might feel differently if I had dumped my anger on T, rather than in his room. But I was not angry at him or mean or abusive to him, and he knew that. All my curse words were directed at other people or events.

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I think you should call your T to discuss it instead of worrying about it. Why suffer when you can just call him and settle the matter?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I know you didn't mean that to be funny, Soliaree, but it made me laugh. My T doesn't really do the phone thing. If I called and left a message, he most likely would never call back, and by the time of my session, he would not even have remembered I called. And I would be left waiting several days for a return call, feeling abandoned, ignored, etc. Not pleasant. Nope, not going there. (If I did contact him, I would email.)

Sunny, maybe instead of apologizing use this as a tool to realize that maybe you aren't comfortable letting your T see all parts of you.... you in the the more raw forms, etc. You are so scared of being "dysfunctional" in front of him that you feel the need to apologize for your behavior. You didn't do anything wrong and there is nothign dysfunctional about anger even if it doesn't feel good when it's coming out. One thing I have learned in therapy (and am still learning) is not to be embarrassed or ashamed about the way I act in there because these are all parts of me. Me. ME. And a big part of the therapeutic relationshp is to be able to show yourself as a whole person (if if that means different parts at different times) with BOTH of you being able to tolerate it. It takes awhile. But I believe what happened to you was significant and instead of using the feeling of wanting to apologize and turning into the behavior OF apologizing, process it with him instead.
((Sunny))

[sunrise]

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MissCharlotte said:
Hold onto your anger. I think it is telling you something.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">MissCharlotte, I think you are right. I feel this whole thing has turned out to be really significant for me. Right after I left T's office, I had this insistent recollection of an intense and painful childhood memory. I am connecting this to what I was expressing the fear/anger about with T. And then I recalled two dreams I had a few months ago. They belong in this chain. Everything is connecting up and making sense. I am beginning to understand where my intense fear is coming from. I have a feeling T and I will be doing some EMDR on the childhood memory to help me process and integrate it. I'm excited at all these connections. I think putting all this together will help me be less frightened TODAY. This for me, is one of the wonders of therapy--connecting the dots of my life.

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mckell13 said:
Sunrise, does this sound like the type of apology you would send:

On the ride home I realized I got a bit angry towards the end of the session. I’m sorry for displacing it on you. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful raising my voice and drop a bunch of f-bombs. I know you are trained to take it, but it doesn’t mean you should have to. Sorry

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">No, I would not send this kind of apology (it is too apologetic, lol). I am actually not going to send any apology, as I realize now that would be the act of my child, not my adult. I have a right to be angry. T is my therapist and can handle it. If I had sent an apology, it would have been rather oblique (something like, "T, here is a poem I can really relate to. I think I was the wild hog at our session last night. " ). I can be a master of obliqueness, but luckily T gets it. McKell, I'm sorry you sent that email when it really wasn't what you wanted to do. I have a tendency to fire off emails to all sorts of people, and then regret them later. So lately, I have just been storing them in the "draft" folder and waiting a day. Then I can decide at a more removed time if I really should send them or not.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Although you may be losing sleep over the interaction, I'm sure he isn't. You might consider holding your apology until your next face-to-face meeting.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I'm actually not losing sleep over the apology question, but I am losing sleep over what it was I got angry/scared about. It is still bothering me. It's a big deal for me.

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
Sunny, maybe instead of apologizing use this as a tool to realize that maybe you aren't comfortable letting your T see all parts of you.... you in the the more raw forms, etc. You are so scared of being "dysfunctional" in front of him that you feel the need to apologize for your behavior.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Pink, you are so right on the money! I had an impulse to apologize and it was at odds with my other belief that I had a right to be angry and that I should not feel a need to apologize for expressing anger or to seek reassurance for that. As I've reported here, my "no apology" tendency has won out. It has been so helpful to read all the responses here in this thread. They helped me process the session and do what for me was right.

Pink, there is definitely an element of "I don't want T to see dysfunctional me" to this whole thing. But I am proud now that I did let him see that part of me in session, and that I didn't apologize for being me. I think it goes to show just how safe I feel in that room with T, that I could dump all this anger and anxiety and fear and irrationality. It makes me realize what a long way I have come since beginning therapy. And what a strong relationship T has helped create between us. Of course, I could never be angry outside of therapy.... But, oh well, baby steps.

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Quote:
I think you should call your T to discuss it instead of worrying about it. Why suffer when you can just call him and settle the matter?
I know you didn't mean that to be funny, Soliaree, but it made me laugh. My T doesn't really do the phone thing. If I called and left a message, he most likely would never call back, and by the time of my session, he would not even have remembered I called. And I would be left waiting several days for a return call, feeling abandoned, ignored, etc. Not pleasant. Nope, not going there. (If I did contact him, I would email.)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Oh, I see. Leave it up to me to give bad advice. I offer it 24/7, LOL. However, waiting for a return call, feeling abandoned and ignored would get your mind off of your urge to apologize (LOL just kidding).

Anyway, scrap my response. I'm going with what Pink and MissCharlotte had to say. Although, knowing MissCharlotte, it might be dangerous for her to 'hold' her anger as she probably would end up throwing it at her T along with her fruit and such. Best of luck to you

[sunrise]

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Soliaree said:
Oh, I see. Leave it up to me to give bad advice. However, waiting for a return call, feeling abandoned and ignored would get your mind off of your urge to apologize (LOL just kidding).

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't see any bad advice here. Thanks, all.

[lauren_helene]

Actually Sunny you probably feel so much better not having emailed, called etc.

I haven't either since my session! My situation was different as I was being mean to him. By telling him when this is over I'll have no problem kicking him to the curb and then saying no we have no relationship, no friendship...blah, blah. Yeah right! He must've gotten a good laugh at that one.

I was trying to be hurtful so I'm glad I cleared that up before I left.

There is a certain amount of comfort I feel in not calling, faxing etc. even though I've had the urge to.