[krazibean]

i had a really tough session with T. i was so spacey. i felt like i wasn't even there. she asked if i needed to go to the hospital because i didn't look safe driving. she said some things that stick out to me now even though i don't remember most of what she said. the things i remember are upsetting, but at the time i was to dead to react. she said, "i mean, you don't even know me besides what you see here, so what makes you think you would want to be friends with me?" she said, things like, "do you see how this state you are in right now pushes people away. you're putting up a wall." that one only hurt because she wasn't comforting me, so that statement obviously pertained to her at the moment. she made me sign a safety contract before i left saying i wouldnt hurt myself. i did. but it wasn't until after i got home that i realized what that was about. and i got really angry. and i sent her this email. out of anger...

you just made me sign that stupid paper to cover yourself if i were to do something harmful enough to myself to end my life. so you can't be sued. like i said your life would go on just fine if i died. your day is going on just fine as i sit here a complete wreck. andrea called while i was sitting here crying. i answered. subconsciously seeking someone, anyone. i couldn't even help myself to cover up my tears in my voice so she wouldnt notice, so she didn't even notice i was upset. after we hung up i cried and cried. then i decided to call Gloria. i didn't even think she would answer. she did. she noticed it in my voice even though i tried to mask it. i again covered it up and said no, nothings wrong im fine. she said ok and continued to talk and i cried as i listened to her voice. i couldn't even tell you what she said. She asked how i was doing and i just kept putting it off and asking about her. Then she had to cut it short and hang up. when we hung up i cried even harder again. i don't even know what i would have told her if i did say something was wrong. then i layed down and just stopped everything. i hoped to just die, or pass out, or just disappear. then i realized. you made me sign that paper not because you care what i do tonight, its so you can go on living and not blame yourself if i do something harmful. now you can put me out of your mind and not think of me until wednesday. each and every moment for me right now is just so painful as it passes and for you wednesday will come sooner than you know it. i hate this. it hurts so much. you don't care. you can't care. you can't for your own sanity. i sat there with you and it hurt so bad. ive never been in so much pain infront of someone and have them just look at me. did you enjoy watching me be miserable? i really can't take this. these boundaries, this whole weird one sided relationship thats just so fake. you say you care about all your clients. yea, for their hour. this is hurting me so much and you can use things like saftey contracts so it doesn't hurt you. that was for you not me. why am i having a relationship with you. why am i having a relationship with someone i don't know. why am i letting myself trust you only to get hurt again and again. why do i keep going back to you. its not like you'd be upset if i stopped. someone else would just fill my slot. you'd still get paid. i'm sick of needing you so much. i want to be done with this. sorry, on wednesday i'm going to be sick. i won't be making it.

(((((Krazibean)))))

[Brian37]

wow.....you actually sent that e-mail to your T?

[krazibean]

yes, i did. :-/

[lauren_helene]

All I can say right now is I'm sorry you are hurting. This whole process is just so hard sometimes.

[SweetCrusader]

Wow, there is a lot of pain in your email. It sounds like you don't feel very valued and cared for right now. I hope your T can see to the hurt and feelings of rejection that underlie that anger; and I hope you can, too. I think you wouldn't be so angry with your T if you didn't want your T to care about you.

I can certainly understand lashing out in anger the way that you did. I did that with my T a time or two in the past, too. Sometimes it's just such a painful experience that it seems unbearable.

I hope that you and T can work past this rift, though. The power of your anger, and your sorrow, shows that you have the potential to have a very strong bond with T.

Yes, T's are professionals and they have to keep boundaries for our safety and for their own as well. I am confident that your T does care for you as a person, and probably wishes she knew how to soothe your pain better. The work that T's do is incredibly hard, day in and day out. They do become attached to clients and it's a frightening experience when a client is in danger of hurting him or herself.

I've not been a T, but I'm a case manager, and I know for me it's hard to know the best thing to do. Do I give them space? Do I come in closer to offer more support? Do I just sit with them in it? Do I try to talk them through it, or out of it? Do I call the police to keep them safe? Or will that just anger them? I always ask them for a promise that they'll be safe first, and if they'll promise that, then I trust them. Sure, I ask for that promise in part so that I feel better about it... but I only feel better about then it because I care about them and don't want them to die. I know that if my clients promise me they won't hurt themselves, there is a good chance they won't.

Just some food for thought. I am sorry you're in so much pain I hope I didn't overwhelm or say too much.

Please take gentle care, and cradle and soothe yourself the best you can.

[krazibean]

thank you sweet. reading your response did help me a little. im just so hurt and i haven't heard back from her since i said at the end i wouldnt be coming today. our apt is at 4 but i'm not going. unless she calls me in the meantime. i don't know why thats so important but it just is. i'm so hurt and upset i'm not willingly going back there to continue to feel hurt unless she calls me with some resassurance and comfort that it will be ok. im not going to get in touch with her at all until she does with me. is it possible for a T to lose a patient like that? she must call eventually right? if not, she really doesn't care just like i thought. this is so painful...

She may care even if she calls. In fact, in some ways she may care especially if she doesnt. See if she overrides your right to choose to come to session, then that wouldn't be good for you. Although, I know I would feel the same way. I'd want my T to run after me when I walk away. Maybe shes encouraging you not to walk away. Maybe instead, she's encouraging you to talk it out face to face. I know in the past, that has helped my relationship grow. I know you are wishing you knew she cared more, but thats a great thing to express in person itself!! Its vulnerable, but a mark of growth I think. Instead of talking with our actions, we can talk with our words.

[krazibean]

omg. our session was at 4. i didn't go. it came and went. she didn't call. she didn't email me back. i'm falling apart. i don't think i've ever hated her this much. if i didn't need her so much i wouldn't be so mad right now. i'm just at a loss. now she's ignoring the fact that i'm so upset. i can't believe she didn't call me when i didn't show up. is she going to? is she really going to let it go forever? i'm so sad. what am i supposed to do now? please give me advice. i'm so lost...

[winterbaby]

I feel sorry you are so hurt. It's so hard to feel like this, I know. I think with therapists (not knowing your particular T and the relationship between you, just dropping in here) they usually feel that "we" are in charge of the therapy. I.e., that it is our right to leave when and if we want. So, rarely do they call to "check up" on us if we leave or ask us to come back. That's just the nature of it and doesn't mean that she doesn't care or doesn't want to see you again. This is obviously bothering you very much and the way to resolve it is to talk to her about it. There is no way she can get in your head and no way to get in hers so you need to bring your feelings out in the open where she can respond, and you can hear her response. It's worth a try you have nothing to lose. you're already hurting enough, this is only going to make it hurt more, not knowing.

[Izzyparker]

As everyone else expressed, every therapist works differently. In general, they accept your decisions to come or leave therapy. If you would have gone today, I'm sure she would have the time slot waiting for you, or I'm pretty sure. She may have read your e-mail as hurt and angry but not have understood that you were waiting to hear from her.

My t has been quite clear. If I need to hear back from her, I must ask directly, "please call me back". Otherwise she will not return a phone call or e-mail.

I think your therapist knows you are hurting. She is waiting for you to ask for the help you deserve. From my past experiences, when I have been really angry with my therapist, is when I learn the most about myself and the opportunity for growth that lies ahead. It sucks.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
she made me sign a safety contract before i left saying i wouldnt hurt myself. i did. but it wasn't until after i got home that i realized what that was about

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I really don't think you know what that safety contract was about. You jumped to some conclusions after your session that the contract was all about your T protecting her own *ss and not caring about you. Maybe that is not true at all. Maybe she asked you to sign the contract because she cares about you and was worried about your safety. The way to find out what people mean is to get clarification by asking them.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
on wednesday i'm going to be sick. i won't be making it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Krazibean, you sent your T an email in which you clearly canceled your appointment for today. Why would she be waiting for you to come when you already canceled? Did you mean for her not to read your email or not to believe your cancellation? How could she know you didn't really want to cancel, that you were just saying that?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
im not going to get in touch with her at all until she does with me. is it possible for a T to lose a patient like that? she must call eventually right? if not, she really doesn't care just like i thought.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, it is possible for a T to lose a patient like that. I stopped going to my former T almost by accident. I had an appointment set up, I had to cancel it so I called. She called back and ask if I wanted to reschedule. I said I would call her later to do that and I never did. That was the end of therapy with her. She never called back and I didn't really expect her to. It is up to the client to schedule the appointments. The fact that your T has not called does not mean she doesn't care about you. You canceled the appointment, so it is up to you to reschedule. The ball is in your court.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
omg. our session was at 4. i didn't go. it came and went. she didn't call.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Why would she call? You already canceled the appointment so she wasn't expecting you. I think she is treating you like an adult, taking you at your word that you meant what you said when you canceled the appointment.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
what am i supposed to do now?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">When you are ready to have another session with her, call and schedule one.

[SweetCrusader]

bean, I think you need to say to your T what you *really* mean. I know that you experienced some anger and frustration, and that's mostly what you expressed to T... but I think you did the opposite of what you, in your heart of hearts, *really* want. I think that deep down what you really want is to go to therapy and connect with your T. Sometimes when we're hurting we do the opposite of what we really want, because we're scared. I've been there many times. And unfortunately, sometimes when we're hurting, we want to put all the responsibility for connecting onto our Ts. If they didn't put that responsibility back on us, though, we would never grow. A good T will understand where you're coming from, but will find ways to encourage you to stretch and grow just a little at a time beyond what's comfortable... until you've learned to have a healthy relationship.

It seems like you're wanting T to read your mind, and/or anticipate your thoughts, feelings and needs and know how to meet them. I'd wager a guess that this is coming from an early developmental issue for you. When we are babies, that's what our caregivers are supposed to do- because we can't speak, and we can't adequately communicate our every need. We just cry, or get angry, or whatever, until mom or dad comes and rescues us from our distress. I've gone through many, many, many times in my therapy when I wanted T to rescue me in a similar way. I just wanted her to KNOW what I wanted and needed, and I wanted her to WANT to meet that need. I didn't want to have to ask, and I felt like if I had to ask then she didn't care for real. Now I know it doesn't work that way. I tell my T, to the best of my ability, what I need from her. She meets that need as much as she is *able* to, and as much as she feels is *good* and *growth-promoting* for me... and no more.

There isn't anything *wrong* with what you said to T, or how you've reacted, so please don't read that into what I'm saying. It's just where you were at emotionally and that's neither good nor bad in my opinion... but you may be more successful in getting what you want if you try a different approach.

If it were me, I would make an appointment and show up. I would tell my T that I wrote that email out of pain, and that I didn't show up today because I was scared. I would tell her that I long to be close to her, and am afraid she doesn't care about being close to me, so I push her away to protect myself... and that I had wished she would've called me even though I cancelled that appointment, because what I really wanted was to reconnect and be soothed. Then, in the future I'd work really hard (hopefully with T's help and support) at recognizing when I'm in that loop... and asking very directly for what I want in the first place instead of hoping she'll guess. And I'd make an effort not to push T away when I feel vulnerable.

I hope this helps. Believe me, I SOOO know how hard this is!!! Take what resonates for you. Whatever doesn't work for you, that's ok too. Be true to your heart, and be brave!!

[SweetCrusader]

PS: (as if I didn't say enough)

I also agree with everyone who said that T's leave it up to clients whether to leave or stick with therapy. One time I thought about quitting and I told my T. She told me that she would never, ever trap me. She said it's not ok to trap people with abuse... and that it's also not ok to trap someone with love. She said she would never trap me, not even with her love.

That helped me understand that, even though she may want to help me, she would never take the choice away from me whether I want to be helped or not. I'm free to come and go. I know I'm there because I want to be, not because she chases after me and tries to convince me to stay. That feels good to me

[krazibean]

sweet crusader, thank you SOOOOO much for your response. almost everything you said here was so dead on. I feel like i want to just give your response to my T. our next "usual" apt would be on monday, and i was telling myself that unless she called me before that, then i would not go to that either. this time without saying anything to her. i still want to do that, because i feel like if she doesn't care enough to at least encourage, not force, but encourage me to come then whats the point? you putting my thoughts into words though makes me want to send her an email saying most of what you said. maybe after session number 2 is missed and she still doesnt say anything. just the thought of that hurts so much though. anyway, thank you sweet for at least putting some of my thoughts into words, now i just have to decide what to do with that...

[krazibean]

i hope i'm not annoying anyone by continuoulsy posting on the same subject, but this rupture is a big one for me and i just feel like i need to reach out to someone, and since the problem is with T, it can't be her. anyway, small update, i left a message on T's office phone asking if it was ok if we talked, and that this has really taken a toll on me and i really need to talk to her. what i'm going to say is the next mystery. any ideas on how to word all these intense abstract emotions to her and that all i want is her comfort? sorry again for being a pain.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
krazibean said:
i hope i'm not annoying anyone by continuoulsy posting on the same subject,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

hi krazibean, personally i've really enjoyed your posting on this subject. i can definitely relate to your feelings, and have enjoyed hearing others' suggestions for how to proceed (might come in handy someday if a similar situation arises for me). anyway, please keep updating, i'm really interested in how this situation plays out and how your T handles your feelings. in fact, you've inspired me to stop lurking and make my first post here. best wishes!

[krazibean]

welcome, notme. thanks for posting. i'm glad you are able to relate. that is also what got me posting too. i swore i would just be a lurker and here i am posting all over! i'm looking forward to reading a post you make about you similar situation so that i can relate as well.

[altonwoodsdrphil]

Dear Krazibean, I read your initial post and some of the other ones and I was wondering why you feel as though you need this person in your life. Has she helped you quite a bit in the past? Prior to your last visit what was your opinion of her as a T? the T you described sounds pretty un-caring and in-sensitive to me, If I were you I'd go buy a good self help book and shop around for a diffrent T

[SweetCrusader]

Hey bean, Any update? Have you spoken with or heard from T since this email? How are you feeling now?

[krazibean]

hey SW, thank you for asking. I was going to post here and update on what was going on but i didn't want to annoy people with my same problem anymore...since not too many people responded i figured i'd drop it. so thanks for your interest.

After i sent that email i swore i would not get a hold of her until she called/answered me back. well my need for her overgrew my stubbornness/ anger and i called and left a message asking for her to please call me back. It took her a day, but she did, and we talked. I felt the need to apologize to her for "acting out", and then she told me that it wasn't easy on her either. That she wasn't just sitting around feeling annoyed at me, that she was debating whether or not she should call. she said, "part of me wanted to call to make sure you were okay, but the other part didn't want to give you attention for your negative behavior." she said she even talked to her supervisor about it and she said not to call and leave the "responsibility" to me. so now i don't like her supervisor!!!! anyway, i see her tomorrow and we have a LOT to go over and talk about. I'm still upset with her because i felt so uncared about. so we'll see how it goes. i'm almost dreading it because i don't want to face the feelings again. It seems i need her most the few days right after i see her, and then the disconnection loosens and i'm okay again until i see her and then it starts all over. so we'll see.

anyway thanks again for asking...thats my little update

[nightbird]

hi bean,

I hope you are working on what to do.

Like Sweet Crusader (who is wonderful, I feel) I hope you get back with an update - no matter what you decided.

bless your heart

[nightbird]

oh, my gosh........I didn't see the next page!

So sorry.

Now I'll read.

[nightbird]

her supervisor needs a clue

have a good session and i hope you get your needs met.

peace and love

[lauren_helene]

I am glad you called her and she called you back. As for the supervisor part, that is interesting that she told you that.

I mean, we all call supervisors, managers or others in our jobs for advice, but do we tell our clients, customers etc. that we did so? Wouldn't that lead others to think that we didn't have confidence in ourselves? I'm wondering why she disclosed that to you.

Oh, I'm probably over-analyzing this as I do with my sessions.

Anyway, that is good news for you either way. It should open the door to further positive communication for you both.