Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

I’d probably directly ask him to keep it down.

You know me, passive aggressive to the end. I sarcastically asked him "Can you be any louder?!"

I know, I know. I'm the b00b.

Hes almost 80 years old and cant warm up his own hamburger? Whats that called - OLDzempic? I should try it!

I don’t feel like getting ready for work. I have to shower yet. Ever since I gave notice I have been feeling myself start to fizzle out. I’m still doing everything I need to be doing-I’m not slacking..I’m just feeling less motivated to actually get up and get myself there. They are really close to hiring my replacement. She’s going over there tomorrow for a little trial to see if it’s the right fit for everyone. I’m just going to tell them if they like her after tomorrows trial-to let’s get the process moving so I can have a week off between them and the new job.

Artie..next time just tell him directly that he’s being rude and to cut the noise down. He was being childish but not communicating directly doesn’t help the situation either.

What do I know though? I don’t communicate with my H directly either so this is definitely the pot calling the kettle black.

I tended to find the last couple weeks after I'd given notice at a job to be really difficult. You're almost out, and your mind is in another place, but you still have to do all the duties of that job. I hope this person works out as your replacement so you can have a little time off.

Hi Couch,

Julio's funeral is in about an hour and a half.
I can't be there, but I don't know what to do with myself.

There's a song I'm going to play at the time that it starts, and that's the only thing that's within reach.

I started the day with a replay from a poetry workshop that had a significant group element.

If I'd known that, I wouldn't have done it.

I want to curl up in a ball, but that doesn't feel constructive.

Lost

Hugs to you, Lost.

Thanks LT,

This whole experience has been excruciating.
I played the song, and lit a candle on the website I usually use.

I've fulfilled my tasks for work, so I have booked time with RC tomorrow to be supported in the aftermath.

I suppose there's 'stuff' that needs to move...but knowing how to do it is hard.

I appreciate you bearing witness.

Lost, I say this to relate to you and normalize it a little, I often feel things for people that I don’t particularly know. There was a guy my H worked with who made some of my favorite music in progressive house. He passed away (same way as Steve). My heart just broke for him, his family, his followers. He really was the next big thing in that genre. I listen to his last song all the time and it makes me cry. Think how sad that the world lost this beautiful soul. I did not know this person in anyway, but he hugely affected me.

You can have whatever feelings you feel. They are real and they are valid. I think playing a song and lighting a candle online is a beautiful way to celebrate Julio’s life. And I think it’s beautiful that he was able to touch you so deeply.

Thank you so much, Scarlet.

I'm so sorry that he isn't in the world any more either.
Thank you for your sensitivity around the manner of his death.
How beautiful that you can keep the connection through his music.

I feel cheated that Julio had been here since 2021, and I didn't know.

It makes such a difference to be able to connect with people who recognise him for who he was.

Hugs,

Lost

Hugs to both Lost and Scarlet. I've been emotional about people I didn't know at all--after Tom Petty's death, I cried the next time I heard one of his songs (shortly after, when I was out somewhere). He's an artist whose songs I've listened to all my life, and a few have particular meaning to me (we played one at our wedding, though I forget which one now). I recall also crying about Prince, Robin Williams, and Anthony Bourdain. And quite a bit about ex-MC's wife, who I'd never met (though I think some of that was empathy for him).

So I get it--both of you were impacted by these people, even if you just knew them for a short time or through their work.

On a related morbid note:

When I saw R last week while Dr. T was away, I asked her if something happened to him where I couldn't see him any more--like if he moved to Canada to get away from our current administration or he was unable to work for some reason, like illness or, well, death--would she be willing to be my therapist at least for a few months while I coped (much of her current practice is business executives, so I wanted to check)? I figured she'd hedge or say, "Well, I doubt that will happen."

But she said she'd be able to, adding, "I'll be here for you." It was very meaningful to me.

I debated whether to tell Dr. T about it, but I did yesterday. He was fine with it and seemed happy that she'd be willing to support me (I wasn't sure, after the whole conflict during the move). I said I knew maybe it was a bit morbid and apologized for that.

He replied, "Well, you never know what can happen." That this T who used his office one evening a week (he'd mentioned him before) had passed away suddenly 4 weeks ago. "He used to sit right in this chair.' Me: "Get out of the chair!" Dr. T: "Well, he didn't literally pass away in this chair." Me: "Oh, OK."

With the R stuff, he also said he was fine with it, assuming I didn't intend to murder him so that I could see her instead. I said (because it was Valentine's Day), "Here, have this Valentine's chocolate. No, I'm not going to eat any." Dr. T replied, "Also, you're not going to need to schedule for 2 weeks from now." (As in, because I was poisoning him--I did not actually give him any candy, to clarify!). A bit of dark humor there...

I can also relate to you too, LT. L and I have talked some about what would happen if she died or was incapacitated in some way. We actually say if she was eaten by a bear as reference to her death. She went on a camping trip early in our relationship and I was afraid she would be eaten by a bear. So now it’s kind of a joke. She said her partner will be the one to inform me in an emergency. I’d probably go back to T for support. I asked if I could go to her funeral. I told her I would just stay with her partner. I don’t remember her response. I also asked her to keep a list of our items so I can get them back if something happened to her.

Sort of along the lines of poisoning… I was tempted last week to bring scissors in. I wanted to open something in her presence, but didn’t know if she had scissors. I decided to just open it at home. Figured it might look really bad to bring scissors to your therapy.

I see it differently when strangers die - I think it is not the loss of that person themselves being mourned -particularly if only known in fantasy sort of ways. For me, I would see as me trying to glom onto a tragedy or sadness that was not mine. I mean - I am not happy hearing about the loss others endure but it is theirs - not mine. Maybe it is that I don't really believe that outsiders are really mourning the person/loss of having them in your life but rather their own mortality/loved ones/relationship to the concept of death and using the current situation.
I felt that way when the therapist would get more worked up (I know they were acting) about something I told them - my X not yours so chill. When my person died, there was a graduate student almost prostrate with grief/sobs - I have no idea why - he knew of her and maybe had a class but he was not one of hers. I mean - I didn't try to stop him or anything but it seemed excessive and misguided unless he was actually grieving something/one else.
Just a different take.

I agree with this. I think there is a difference between existential loss and grief (which can arise from the death of those we don't know) and intimate loss and grief. Maybe our respective boundaries of what is ours to grieve personally relies on how we seek individuation and sense of self. What we are and what the other is. Very Gestalt. It reminds me of when my students describe themselves as empaths or highly sensitive but I see someone with porous boundaries and an undefined sense of self. Obviously no judgement about how people here are grieving or not, but our different experiences are interesting I think.

Thanks for sharing, Scarlet. It's interesting about the bear thing: When Dr. T went on vacation one time, years ago, I had no idea where he was going. And I said I hoped he wouldn't be eaten by a bear or a lion. It led to an awkward exchange, where I emailed him--it was allowed--confirming that he was still alive, and he said, "No, I haven't been eaten by a bear or whatever it was you said. You're too funny, LT." When I was actually worried about his well-being, not joking. It caused a mini-rupture, but he gets it now.

Dr. T and I had a conversation maybe a year ago about his arrangements if something were to happen to him. His wife is supposed to inform clients (which feels weird on many levels, including that she'd be grieving so wouldn't want to do that). But he said info about his funeral would be provided, and that it would be OK if clients attended. I also asked that if something happened to me, would he be willing to go to my funeral. And he said yes. It felt like a very meaningful conversation, that the relationship was such that we'd each go to the other's funeral.

I do imagine L would be OK with your going to her funeral, though of course I hope that wouldn't be a thing you'd have to think about.

That's interesting about the scissors--I see where it could possibly be seen as a threat, though I doubt she'd see it that way, if you had a reason to use them. Rather than randomly bringing them. Seems like you opted for the safest thing to just use them at home.

Oh, along the lines of scissors: a couple weeks ago, I was feeling really anxious in session. I know standing and walking can help me with that. But when I mentioned that in the past, he said a client pacing around could make him anxious. So I referenced that when I said I wanted to stand. He said how he didn't find me threatening, how it wasn't like I was a 300-lb. linebacker (football position).

I wandered over near his window and saw this crab on the table that I thought was wood. I asked about it and started to pick it up, then realized it was really heavy. He said it was cast iron, and he was surprised how heavy it was when he got it. I said, "OK, I wasn't threatening before, but now I'm picking up this heavy object." Dr. T: "And one that's sharp!"

I felt calmer and sat back down a minute later.

LT, make sure you have in writing about Dr. T going to your funeral. L and I have it in our contract. My fear, and maybe it’s just me because my people aren’t a huge fan of L, is that my family won’t allow L into the hospital if I have an emergency and won’t let her go to my funeral. In my contract with L, it says if anything happens, she can act as family: allowed in the hospital room and allowed to discuss anything with doctors and my family. Then I gave her the same permission for my funeral. That she can be there and talk to people. It would suck to go to a funeral and not be able to talk to anyone about anything because of confidentiality.

Scarlet, you should probably have that in your contract with your medical dr. In your patient portal, all your contact information? Thats where mine is. Out on the internet somewhere!

Thanks! I’m seeing a new doctor this month who actually does happen to have a portal (old doctor didn’t). I’ll ask her about where I can document such things.

Every time i "check in online", i have to review all my now! ancient health history, and who your records are available to is just one of the many many many questions.

On taking scissors to therapy: One time I bought a box cutter and hand held can opener. I’ll leave the rest to the imagination. (I’m kidding). It was a joke with the therapist because one time she tried to open a very tightly packed box with a pen. (The tape was too strong for that). And the can opener is because one time she bought a can of soup for lunch then realized she didn’t have anything to open it with. (The can of soup didn’t have a pull tab. I know most do, though)

On a separate note..I pulled up a tax calculator and it turns out with my new job my take home pay will be pretty much what my gross pay was at my old job. I wonder if it still was worth it-money wise. I guess it is because that will be about $640 a month deposited in my bank account that I didn’t have.

Oh, interesting--I hadn't even thought of that. I guess I just assumed whoever wanted to go to my funeral could go. But of course, family could keep someone from going. I hadn't thought about the confidentiality aspect either. I figured he could just say he was a friend or knew me "through work" or "professionally," which is not a lie. So thanks for mentioning this.

Sounds like it's worth it to me. And you also could be in a place where you could be getting raises.

And funny about the box cutter and can opener! Fun fact: I grew up using an electric can opener. I can never seem to figure out the handheld kind (like where you open the whole can, not just punching holes). I even watched a how-to YouTube video, but still couldn't seem to do it. I've had to ask H to help me with it when the electric can opener was broken. I prefer the cans with self-opening lids!