[Perna]

There was a man driving down the highway going about 55 miles per hour when this chicken with three legs began running beside him. He decided to speed up to 65 miles per hour, but the chicken stayed right beside him. So he sped up to 75 miles per hour, but still the chicken stayed with him. He came up to a fork in the road and the three-legged chicken went left and ran into a farm yard. Curious, the man decided to investigate so he pulled up to the farm and got out of his car. He noticed that the yard was full of three-legged chickens running around at high speeds. Still curious, the man went up and knocked on the door of the house and the farmer came out. The man asked the farmer, "How did you get all these three-legged chickens?" "Well," the farmer stated, "I have a family of three, and we all like the drumsticks, so I decided to engineer some chickens with three legs so everyone is happy." "How do they taste?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "don't know, haven't been able to catch one yet."

[chaotic13]

Here's a cake for you.

Just pretend the it says "Be Strong WonderFluff" instead of Happy Birthday Erin.

so sad

what a difference a day makes eh?

i've had a very bad day Not H's fault.. i have been feeling bad for him.. protective.. so confused

i'm some kind of monster i think

am i as bad a person as i feel i am? how do i really know?

today i had one of the days where i try so hard to be positive and outgoing.. i have this role i "play" that looks pretty confident to everyone else... thing is i'm NOT confident.. i can just LOOK confident.... and because i don't understand interaction so well i don't have any clue when i am going back and forth over boundaries or social rules.. i end up feeling bad afterwards. i am pretty sure i gave my prof far too hard of a time today - in class.

i don't mean to be this way

some other student made me feel pretty crappy.. she said something off hand to me which was one of those im-cutting-you-but-you-arent-totally-sure things... a back-handed kind of compliment/insult. Catty little thing. It hurt.

there is something wrong with me... i'm not made right. i can't be happy or be like other people.

i want out now

so sad

[Perna]

Stop it! You're doing the best you can so there's nothing wrong with you; nobody does it better

People making back-handed compliments have the problem, not you for being hurt! If you wander over other people's boundaries, they're responsible for telling you! You can't be a bad person if you're trying. That you care says you're a caring person! Bad people don't care. Remember that logic, it actually made sense.

Sorry you're hurting from today. Tomorrow's Saturday, no classes?

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MzJelloFluff said:
i've had a very bad day Not H's fault.. i have been feeling bad for him.. protective.. so confused

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It's hard to uncouple, JelloFluff, especially when you've been together many years. I find myself doing protective stuff to my H too, making gestures to help him cope, that only years of intimacy with him allow me to know how to do. Afterwards I feel very confused. Why did I just do that? We're separated, for gosh sake--it's not like I want to be back together with him. It's almost just habit, and there is an element to it that makes me feel better, which confuses me further. It is tough to uncouple!!!

Please do not let that mean student who made the cutting comment get to you. Pfffftt! She's just being catty. Ignore her and focus on your strengths and worth. It's a momentary blip and does not mean there is anything wrong with you or that you are not like other people. We are all unique and that is OK!

[ECHOES]

((( MzJelloFluff )))

Thinking of you and sending

[chaotic13]

Hang in there Fluff. Playing confident can be tiring. Don't let others get ya down.

yeah.. confusing. should i help when i know how? when? when not to? i simply do not know. H isn't an evil or mean person.. he isn't even a bad person.. he is a good person who has done bad things.. and when i see him now.. i see a man who has struggled through a long illness.. one who tried so hard to do right by me but it went wrong somewhere. i feel sad for him

t left me the most touching voicemail... bless his little t heart.

[tulips30]

Hi fluff, just wondering if you're doing ok and letting you know that I am pulling for you along with everybody else. Your posts sound really good and it sounds like your t. is right there with you. Keep being strong and we'll all keep pulling for you and trying to give you the support you need.

[Perna]

{{{Fluff}}}

[Fragmented]

MsJelloFluff,

You are going through a confusing time. I wanted to say hang in there and forget those classmates. As far as the H thing, that is a tough one. Just like another poster said de-coupling is hard. You are dear and sweet and trying to support him. Probably also remembering why you connected with him in the first place, just remember to take care of you first though. You deserve happiness. And take it easy on yourself. See yourself as all these wonderful friends on PC see you and your great T and then you won't have to pretend or worry about those silly classmates anymore. They can see the real you we know. Hang in there. You are doing fine because you are a fine person.

fragmented (aka rsk)

[Kiya]

(((((((((((fluff))))))))))))))))
stepping into the tide of care and support flowing toward you.
kiya

(((((((Fluffy))))))))))

Hope you are doing okay. Here are some images that have absolutely no relevance to anything but are entertaining nonetheless. Love You

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( Fluff )))))))))

Here are some more images that are related neither to the discussion, nor to each other. Love you.

[chaotic13]

J-E-L-L-O F-L-U-F-F

Hope your hanging in there OK today. Just wanted you to know I'm sending you good vibes.When I read your last post, I can appreciate your confusion. With all that you have been through with him, it is probably good that you can still see some good qualities in him and able to see his problems as an illness. This shows that you are strong but still human.

Having said that I hope you can be kind and compassionate without slipping into a position where you sacrifice yourself. I hope you can remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness too. I hope you are frequently visiting your Rights thread and reading each one of them over and over again. While you are helping him, insist that he help himself too and treat you like a human being.

I hope all is going OK this weekend and you are reading this thread and saying yeah...yeah...yeah I know all this crap McKell.

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
Here are some more images that are related neither to the discussion, nor to each other. Love you.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
What! You don't think the catsup and mustard are related to the dog? While it's true the confused cow between the fish-on-a-board and ketchup doesn't know which way to turn, I'd say they relate as well as can be expected under the circumstances? I think that is very much like what Fluff is trying to do and what this post is about.

[tulips30]

((((Hi Fluff)))) My turn.......

[MissCharlotte]

i realised tonight that what i have been saying and doing are not sinking in with him... i had been so proud of myself... T even said he was proud of me in the voicemail he left. Now i can see that what i thot was the pinnacle of painful effort is just one of many hills i must repeatedly climb.. i am going to have to say things over and over and over... i cant do this.. i cant

please.. someone make this stop.. please

it took every fibre in me to talk to H... i cant keep having to relive it over and over... dear god.. is there no end?

so sad

[Perna]

Make a recording in a tiny piece of your brain you're not using. Play it for him at odd moments when you're with/talking with him. Use the rest of you for your things.

{{{Fluff}}}

[nightbird]

you will be alright....you can't control other people no matter how much we might want to steer them clear of harming their lives, but we can control ourselves.

moving on and forward isn't always easy, but it does come with a cost.

the cost is usually worth the outcome.

you deserve to be happy.

it's painful letting go, but freeing, and strengthening in the long run.

peace,
nightbird

omg charlotte! wth IS that guy? you win the unrelated prize.. awesome. i am very much liking this unrelated image thing.. very cute Perna? no jokes?

the smiles and laughs are good guys.. thank you i am very much a believer in the "you may as well laugh as cry" idea.. and besides, crying gives me a headache for the rest of the day.

i had told H straight out "i cant do this anymore" and i was so very proud. T said "i'm very impressed.. that takes a hell of a lot of strength in the best of circumstances, and given the abuse you have been through and how you struggle with this... *very* strong.. just excellent... I'm proud of you." i wanted to burst into tears when i heard that.. kind of happy tears and sad tears... he is proud of me..

now i see i still have to force this issue.. and i dont know how... there are some complicating factors that i cant post here, but basically i dont want to be crule, mean or hurtful to him.. i just want to be ok, to stop suffering over this.

he was planning on coming to visit again......
he thot he should come to my grad in april...
i had to explicitly tell him he cant call me like he had been doing, because he was factoring in LD calls to me in his budget

what do i DO? do i get mean? yell?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Having said that I hope you can be kind and compassionate without slipping into a position where you sacrifice yourself. I hope you can remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness too. I hope you are frequently visiting your Rights thread and reading each one of them over and over again. While you are helping him, insist that he help himself too and treat you like a human being.

.....you are reading this thread and saying yeah...yeah...yeah I know all this crap McKell.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

no mckell.. i was reading it and i was thinking "right. ok. that is what i am supposed to do." i was grateful you were saying it.. and reminding me to read the right thread again. That is exactly why i started this thread.. because when H is here... i am different, i don't remember and it doesn't occur to me. i had T leave messages because i just cant seem to see what i need to do, cant think clearly, the most simple ideas vanish. Reminding me is GOOD.

and yeah... being kind without sacrificing myself.. very hard to do.. so hard. Hard to just not fall into the role of subserviant..

but there is one thing that i thought of this morning that i hadn't before... T & i, before H got here... we talked about how to keep me being ok, not collapsing.. and that at least has not happened.. One of the things needed was to keep H from getting angry.. i have to still think in survival mode some. So if i push really hard while he is here, then he might start in and i have two more days with him. i have been standing my ground, but i know i wouldn't if he got mad.. so i need to remember that. Maybe being too firm would put me in a bad position, worse than now. So confused.

[Perna]

[sunrise]

Jello, I am sorry you are so sad and hurting. I agree with your T--you have been very strong and I am proud!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MzJelloFluff said:
Now i can see that what i thot was the pinnacle of painful effort is just one of many hills i must repeatedly climb.. i am going to have to say things over and over and over... i cant do this.. i cant

i cant keep having to relive it over and over... dear god.. is there no end?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">No, you don't have to keep reliving it. Have you definitely decided to get a divorce? If so, as you work out the details of your settlement, there becomes less and less reason to have contact, at least if there are no kids. (If you have kids, it is a different story, as you must continue to have contact and co-parent for life.) But you have never mentioned kids, so if you don't have any, the news is good, yes you will stop having to deal with him over and over again.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
what do i DO? do i get mean? yell?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">You set boundaries. That has been very hard for me to learn to do, and I still am getting a D grade. It is hard to set boundaries during the demise of a relationship when you have never had them during the relationship. Your T can help you with this. Think about what boundaries you would like to set. It sounds like you are already setting one by limiting the phone calls. Good! (But make sure he understands it is not just a budget issue, but that his frequent phone calls are intrusive and you need a greater degree of separation at this time.) It is also good that he has moved far away from you--less opportunity to speak in person with him. Good!

Is your H staying with you while he is in town for his visit? If so, this seems like another boundary you can set. If he must visit you, he needs to stay in a motel. You can meet in a public place, such as a coffeehouse, during his visits to work out the business details of your separation (or whatever is his reason for visiting). Or if he is attending your gallery opening, and you have permitted that, you can see him in that public forum, or you can go out to dinner in a restaurant, etc.

It sounds like one problem is that even though you tell your H you want less contact, he doesn't get it. Is that true? Maybe you need to try to explain things differently. Maybe telling him how he makes you feel would help.(Do you do that?) For example, tell him that you can't keep having so much contact with him because it makes you feel awful, trapped, depressed, whatever... That is not being mean. Tell him how his actions affect you. Maybe you have.... You can also try harder not to make supportive gestures. That may be giving him a mixed message. Just be neutral--not cruel, not supportive.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
So if i push really hard while he is here, then he might start in and i have two more days with him. i have been standing my ground, but i know i wouldn't if he got mad..

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I understand completely about the anger. It is hard for me not to fall into old patterns when my H gets angry at me. Limiting your face to face contact to public places might help him control his anger better. I understand about not pushing these last two days. Do what you need to do. When he is away, you can push harder on the phone or in an email, for example, tell him you do not want him to come to your April graduation.

(Sheesh, I give all these suggestions and cannot do half of them myself...)

JelloFluff, you are surviving. You have done good!



P.S. To MissCharlotte--yes, who is that guy?