i hate this... i think my T is letting me just "sit" in this. In fact.. i am pretty certain of it. i can't ask for a return call unless it's an emergency or something like that. i cannot call for plain reassurance, or for something that i can supposedly give myself - that last part is a problem and he and i disagree on it. i can see it as a goal, but not a current reality.

i ***have*** to find a way to make myself leave the house to do some important paperwork for my new job. i have forms to fill out, etc. i have to physically go. But.. i suffer periodically from some sort of social anxiety... and sometimes i cant leave my house.

im scared... and i need this job... i really do... but all that information does is make me even more anxious. i'm such a failure... at life in general. What kind of loser can't leave their house? It's stupid! What does my brain think is going to happen? Piano fall on me?

i called T three times... he lets me leave voicemails because it helps to just put my thoughts out there.. helps to pretend in a way that i am talking it through with him... but i told him in the last two that i need to leave my house and i cant... told him i was struggling... told him the things i have tried already tried.... i emphasized the need and the importance of this job. i want him to call me back... so badly...

but i did not {i]ask[/i] and i know that means he will not call....

but i cant ask him to call because i am afraid that it's a situation in which i am not supposed to call... and he would call if i ask explicitly, but he would not be really happy about it and he would tell me i should not have asked for a return call..... if he did that i would just be crushed and that would be even worse than now. So i am trapped. i cannot risk asking, he won't call if i dont ask, and in MY opinion...i need him. i don't know that he would agree.

what i want from him is some understanding... some suggestions maybe on how to convince myself to go out.... some way to help me win the agurment in my head. i know enough to know that the fear is unreasonable... i know i'm not supposed to trust it.. but i don't know how to do that yet.

oh god... i wish he'd have some pity right now

((((((((((((((fluff))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you feel like you can't call T when you need to

Let's see if we can help.

My T is not accessible when he is on vacation, so some things I have done are:
1. journalling. sometimes just getting it all OUT - all the fears, etc - instead of just letting them bounce around in my head - gives me a little relief.
2. imagining what T would tell me if he were here. It's so hard to access that when I'm in a really bad spot - but sometimes, if I can get quiet for a moment, I can imagine what T might say if he were available to help me.
3. Talking to a friend. I'm lucky that I have a friend IRL who can be really supportive in these situations. Do you have someone you can call? PC helps too - a lot. Sometimes it just helps to be heard.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( fluff )))))))))))))))))))))))))) What a tough spot to be in. It's such a bad feeling to not know whether or not it's okay to call T. What is the worst thing that would happen if you called him?

right now PC is sort of my journal... so.. i guess i should explain my fears... i don't understand them.. it's not like generalized anxiety... i don't know why i am afraid.. or what i am afraid of. i know intense stress makes it happen... it overwhelms me... going out sometimes is a struggle.. it often is.. so when i get overwhelmed otherwise, i just cant keep all the balls in the air.

i don't have anyone else who is even remotely understanding about mental health issues... T is it

and what would he say? im not sure.. i try and all that happens is that i think of him getting angry with me.. and me feeling really bad. i know intellectually that he would not be mad... i know that. i know he cares... but... i know he believes i need to be moving towards mmore independence, self reliance and so i think he would tell me i need to figure this out...

[Edahn]

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MzJelloFluff said:
i hate this... i think my T is letting me just "sit" in this. In fact.. i am pretty certain of it. i can't ask for a return call unless it's an emergency or something like that. i cannot call for plain reassurance, or for something that i can supposedly give myself - that last part is a problem and he and i disagree on it. i can see it as a goal, but not a current reality.

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Your T is smart.

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i ***have*** to find a way to make myself leave the house to do some important paperwork for my new job. i have forms to fill out, etc. i have to physically go. But.. i suffer periodically from some sort of social anxiety... and sometimes i cant leave my house.

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Would it help to go with a friend?

Can you go even though you're feeling a little anxious? Maybe you can think of it like dating. You're never going to get to a point where you're TOTALLY free of anxiety on your date. Instead, you assess when your anxiety is manageable and when it's manageable, you go for it. You probably won't know if it's manageable until you actually get out and try. So try.

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im scared... and i need this job... i really do... but all that information does is make me even more anxious. i'm such a failure... at life in general. What kind of loser can't leave their house? It's stupid! What does my brain think is going to happen? Piano fall on me?

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What's all this "I'm a failure at life" BS? You're not a failure at life. What does that even mean? What does it mean to be successful at life? These are all just concepts that people are fed and have to basis in reality. You're a normal person with problems. Everyone has problems. Some people KNOW that everyone has problems, and that helps eliminate a big problem: loneliness and shame for being imperfect. Just remind yourself that people have problems. When you fall, get up. It's simply.

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i called T three times... he lets me leave voicemails because it helps to just put my thoughts out there.. helps to pretend in a way that i am talking it through with him... but i told him in the last two that i need to leave my house and i cant... told him i was struggling... told him the things i have tried already tried.... i emphasized the need and the importance of this job. i want him to call me back... so badly...

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What's your T going to do? Run the errands for you? You have an opportunity to seize on some self-reliance and self-efficacy. Are you going to rise to the occasion or just dwell in your house thinking about it? Summon your own inner strength. EVERYONE has inner strength, no exceptions.

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but i did not {i]ask[/i] and i know that means he will not call....

but i cant ask him to call because i am afraid that it's a situation in which i am not supposed to call... and he would call if i ask explicitly, but he would not be really happy about it and he would tell me i should not have asked for a return call..... if he did that i would just be crushed and that would be even worse than now. So i am trapped. i cannot risk asking, he won't call if i dont ask, and in MY opinion...i need him. i don't know that he would agree.

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Look at all this work you're doing trying to figure this all out. You'd think you were answering a test on Symbolic Logic: If T, then call; If all emergencies are call-worthy, and this is an emergency, then blah blah blah. Just try and relax. You have all the resources within you already.

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what i want from him is some understanding... some suggestions maybe on how to convince myself to go out.... some way to help me win the agurment in my head. i know enough to know that the fear is unreasonable... i know i'm not supposed to trust it.. but i don't know how to do that yet.

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Like I said before, it's okay to have some anxiety. Or even a lot of anxiety. What I've found helps a lot a lot, is to befriend yourself and your anxiety. If you're not sure how to do that, ask yourself how you would feel and what you would say if a person in your exact situation confessed to you the same problem you're having.

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oh god... i wish he'd have some pity right now

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Meh. Good luck.

OMG I HAVE THE BEST T EVER. I LOVE THAT MAN (platonically)

i asked. He called. He was not at all frustrated and actually said that this was a very good reason to call him - that i was stuck. He emphasized he wasn't frustrated... and omg.. he was so very gentle and soft spoken with me... overt "softness" always gets me in a way that i can't explain... breaks through my shell. He understood so well... he totally "got it." He gave me some suggestions on how to break up the task... and just knowing he is there.. that somebody gets it and cares.. it makes me feel less alone.

i needed a hand to reach out to me... no one ever did when i needed it

edahn.. i understand.. i do... i can follow everything you're saying, it's all logical and sensible. i appreciate the obvious effort and thoughtfulness. To be honest, i thought a lot of the same things. But seriously.. if it were all that easy then most therapists would be out of a job. Feelings can be powerful and overwhelming.. i am working so very hard on being the one to win.. but i am not there yet. It's like leaving my abusive husband.. it took a lot of time and encouragement and "borrowed" strength.

i wish to god i could relax and do things easily... it's really devastating to feel like this.. i wasn't always this way.

Wow, wow, wow. That is awesome. Good for you for knowing it was time to reach out, and good for T for responding the way he did.

[mlpHolmes]

Hi Fluff
Spoke w/ You this afternoon. I like when you said "...fear is unreasonable" So glad it all worked out!

[MissCharlotte]

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because it helps to just put my thoughts out there.

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OMG Jello I do this all the time. I tell T I need to get it out or say it out loud! It really helps me a lot.

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i cant ask him to call because i am afraid that it's a situation in which i am not supposed to call.

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I have been here too as recently as Tuesday! (I asked for a call anyway)

It's sooooo hard Jello, did you feel like this as a child? Were you chastised or humiliated for asking for what you needed?

Can you try to go out for another reason? Maybe going out for the job stuff is too much because on some level you know that if it is successful, you will be out of your comfort zone even more.

((((((((((Fluffy))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

Fluff, I'm soooo glad you called back and said what you needed - and that he really did call. Yay you! I am glad he was what you needed!!!
kiya

i know earth mamma... he was really "wow." i could not have asked for a more perfect call (well, he could have said he was going to come and sit with me, or i was welcome to call him day or night 24/7 just for a chat!) i still just feel so warm and fuzzy thinking about how gentle and compassionate he was. The wasn't an ounce of frustration.. none. He actually said that he had planned to call me at 5pm, after his last appt (even though i had not asked). He called when he did because i told him i didn't have a lot of time to decide to do something... i needed to have forms filed by a particular time. That meant a shorter call(phooey) but it's ok.. he was amazing.

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It's sooooo hard Jello, did you feel like this as a child? Were you chastised or humiliated for asking for what you needed?

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well.. that is complicated...it isn't like i said "mamma... can i have love/attention/validation please?" and was then made fun of or anything... It's more like i acted out... tried harder to please... did whatever a child a child does to get needs met.. and instead of getting anything or enough of anything, i was pushed aside and made to feel like i was doing something wrong in trying to get anything in the first place. i was "too demanding," for example. Later, even still as young as 13, i had my relationships instilling the idea in me that i wasn't supposed to have needs.. i didn't deserve anything from anyone..

omg.. that makes me want to cry... that is a painful set of memories

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Can you try to go out for another reason? Maybe going out for the job stuff is too much because on some level you know that if it is successful, you will be out of your comfort zone even more.

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i tried to do this... go out for another reason... but i ran out of time basically. So... i did what T said... got ready, everything assembled that i needed and sat by the door until i could just make myself go out there... then i went to the car, sat there... drove to the bank.. sat there... and finally was able to go in and deal with the paperwork. The whole thing exhausted me... by the time i got home i had a pounding headache.

i have two weeks to get my %#@&#! together to actually start the job... in that time i have to adjust mentally to all the new circumstances that creates

thank you so much for the support guys... you folks rock!

[chaotic13]

Glad your T responded to you in a helping way. Not in a suck it up, get your butt out the door, and conquer that anxiety kind of way.

I hate when I detect frustration in T's voice. I is sooo much better to hear gentle acceptance of where you are.

I hope you can build on this energy boost and move yourself outside step by step.

[mountainstream]