T, Me, the relationship

Trigger icon applied for mention of cutting and suicidal ideation.

I have been hesitant to post this week, because therapy has been beyond difficult and I have been somewhat in pieces and stuck in my head so to speak. Today the pieces finally came together for a change and I came into T's office feeling more like myself than I have in a while. I was able to engage in conversation and hold onto myself throughout.

He has been pushing me about stopping cutting. He keeps likening it to drinking which annoys me. I keep trying to tell him it is different, but we both agree that for me it has become a habit. I told T that with alcohol, someone wants to change their mood or get high. With cutting, it brings me TO ground zero. It grounds me. He is bothered by the secrecy involved with cutting. I have told him that the secrecy is because it is not socially accepted like alcohol. He gets that but he just doesn't want me to be alone in it. AND he doesn't want to be the "only" one I tell. I told him today that I had to take some of my own advice (that I recently gave to a 5 yo) and learn to use my words instead of cutting myself. When I have the urge to cut, T wants me to try to delay it long enough for me to sort of "get over" the spell I am in or long enough to get engaged in something else like a meditation or what ever it is I choose.

I also feel that I need to take greater risks in therapy. In this way I can begin to use words and begin to let out some of the stress I hold in ALL THE TIME.

So, how do I know I held onto myself today? Ohhh, the other day I left T a message about whether he thought I should increase my anti D. The reason I asked him was because Pdoc is on vacation and it is not unusual for me & T to discuss my meds, and I have had a difficult time with suicidal ideation again recently. So, this evening I go, "So what do you think, should I increase?" And he goes, "I don't know, you know best." (He was a tad snotty...an ability of his.) So, I look at him and I say, "Are you going to bust my chops tonight? Don't. I feel good."

Hi Miss Charlotte,

Your T sounds pretty decent. I've learned that having a good T is a rare thing. I've been lucky in that I have a good T. They are usually very educated about psychiatric meds (much to PDOC's competitive dismay I'm sure)and I always feel comfortable discussing my meds with my T.

From what I understand with my limited knowledge of self harm, when people engage in cutting or otherwise hurting themselves, it's almost always an impulsive act with very little thought into the consequences. The overwhelming part of the negative feelings that make you feel like you want to cut or otherwise hurt yourself will almost always pass rather quickly if you don't give in to the impulsive urge immediately. I was told by a psychiatric nurse that I used to work with that the reason why the feeling will pass rather quickly if you don't give into it, is because people are not capable of holding onto such strong feelings for anything other than a short period of time. Sure, the feelings may cycle back later on, but the trick is to distract yourself with something else just long enough to let the impulsive feeling to self harm pass.

I think the way it might be like drinking is that both are negative, addicting behaviors that are really harmful, but used in an attempt to find short-term relief. So does meditation work for you? With the anxiety problems I have, I found that exercise and yoga are more effective for me (in that they distract me from the anxiety, and also re-focus my mind), but then I also have ADHD and it's hard for me to sit still long enough to meditate

I think the comparison to alcohol (drugs too) could be that both things are used to avoid feeling the feelings that we just don't know what to do with, diversions so that the focus shifts. Shifts away from what has stirred us up.

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I also feel that I need to take greater risks in therapy. In this way I can begin to use words and begin to let out some of the stress I hold in ALL THE TIME.

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Wow! This is so brave, MissCharlotte!!
I think it's huge to be able to see what would help us. To name it as you have and to consider moving closer to it is so courageous and I felt you being very loving to yourself when I read that.

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Your T sounds pretty decent

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Yeah, he is VERY decent! Sigh.

We'll see about the passing of time when the impulse hits.

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So does meditation work for you?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> YES it does. I do both guided meditation and unguided. YOu can even download gongs and set a timer to a specific amount of time.. I'm usually only a 10 minute with unguided. However, yoga and exercise are also important to me.

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I also feel that I need to take greater risks in therapy. In this way I can begin to use words and begin to let out some of the stress I hold in ALL THE TIME.

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My T told me this week that she has been deliberately poking and trying to provoke me into an emotional response and the most she has gotten has been an email stating that I don't think I liked you much today.LOL She told me when I feel attacked that she wants me to tell her to literally F-off.

I don't know much about cutting other than I did it some when I was a teen. I don't think I would like his alcohol analogy either. The mediate comment reminds me too much of my old GP telling me to do some candle exercises for my ADHD. I should have told him to F-off.

Echoes,

Thank you. Yes, I feel as though I am reaching out to myself in a loving way as well. I have been practicing maitre; loving kindness towards self.

I told T this plan and he agrees. We spoke about all the shame I hold. I think I am ready to unload some of it. Being embarrassed to discuss certain things is one thing but being riddled with shame is a whole 'nother ballgame.

The thing with my cutting is that it is so important for me to be able to ground myself asap sometimes. That is because I usually feel that ungrounded I cannot be the mother I need to be. I can feel out of control and go into my bathroom, cut and be out in the kitchen 5 minutes later cooking dinner as if nothing were wrong. I am worried that the other diversions won't provide immediate-enough relief.

Sigh.

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I should have told him to F-off.

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Yeah, you should have.

I did tell T to leave me alone tonight though and it felt good.

((((((((miss )))))))))))))

I can't tell -so this is multiple choice =) since i know my typing might get ahead of what is really wanted...

S0 -Do you want:
A. acknowledgement
B. Advice
C. Kudos
D. Some of the above
E . All of the above?

=) so i can provide the right thing for you

kiya

Kiya,

Not sure about your multiple choice. I wasn't necessarily looking for anything--just sharing something I needed to get out.

You can type. it's ok!

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My T told me this week that she has been deliberately poking and trying to provoke me into an emotional response and the most she has gotten has been an email stating that I don't think I liked you much today.LOL She told me when I feel attacked that she wants me to tell her to literally F-off.

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Interesting... I would probably respond impulsively with something along her desired response, but I don't think my T would get anywhere therapy-wise if he tried that tactic.

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I don't know much about cutting other than I did it some when I was a teen. I don't think I would like his alcohol analogy either. The mediate comment reminds me too much of my old GP telling me to do some candle exercises for my ADHD. I should have told him to F-off.

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Yay! A compatriot with ADHD!!!
But... what the heck is a candle exercise?

MissCharlotte said:

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I do both guided meditation and unguided. YOu can even download gongs and set a timer to a specific amount of time.. I'm usually only a 10 minute with unguided. However, yoga and exercise are also important to me.


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I would do better with guided I think. My T asked me if I thought I could do meditation... maybe I can now, I haven't tried in a long time. I think I might try it out again.

MissCharlotte,

I don't think it's unusual for ANYONE to have a difficult time discussing things they feel shame and embarrassment about.

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MissCharlotte said:
Kiya,

Not sure about your multiple choice. I wasn't necessarily looking for anything--just sharing something I needed to get out.

You can type. it's ok!



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Sorry - it was dumb- i just know that sometimes i say something (like my first thought was about the cutting and i was thinking if you were there, caring for your kids and your kids cut - you would rather that they take time out and figure out what is hurting them rather than they come up with the quickest resolve that is hurtful) but really you may not want an answer like that if you just wanted to get it out there or you something different. =)
hugs!!!