[MissCharlotte]

Yesterday's session was surprisingly difficult. I had not placed even one call since last week and didn't even leave any messages for him like I usually do. I am protecting myself from his impending vacation. Beyond the extraordinary pain, anguish etc. that we all go through with T's absence, I am trying to sort out exactly what comes up for me when I think of his vacation.

In session I had a hard time talking at all. I was very stuck in my head and there were huge--absolutely huge--chunks of silence. There was so much swirling in my head that I felt like if I spoke I would be blurting out seemingly random words and phrases.

I was very up front about what I was experiencing. I told him that I was worried about his vacation and preferred just not to to deal with it at all. I wished I could just not go to therapy now (even though I have three more sessions until his vacation) until he comes back in september. In this way I can protect myself from the hurt, the rejection, the abandonment.

T said that although the breaks are difficult and interrupt the flow of things, that they present opportunities as well. And naturally, I'm like, for what? He said that instead of avoiding that maybe it would be a good idea to explore what comes up for me regarding his vacation.

He asked if I had any fantasies about his vacation--whether I thought about it at all. I told the truth--that is NO, he is just gone. He said that it might be better if I allowed myself to miss him first of all and then if I try to hold onto the relationship while he was gone. Arghhh, I know he's probably right but I simply cannot last 3 weeks between appts.

The me who is inside is accustomed to beginning again, and it is she who is at the forefront right now. But the feeling me is fighting for control.

I wish I could tell him how I really feel--that I feel completely abandoned when he goes away; that for the first time in my life I feel like someone listens to me. That I wish he cared about me the way I care about him.

Lyrics from Ingrid Michaelson: (great song)

There's a corner of your heart for me.
There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

[SpottedOwl]

((MissCharlette))

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wish I could tell him how I really feel--that I feel completely abandoned when he goes away; that for the first time in my life I feel like someone listens to me. That I wish he cared about me the way I care about him.

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That is exactly what came up for me when T went on vacation -- what if you don't come back? I didn't want to keep sharing with someone I was afraid would abandon me. In a nutshell -- issues of abandonment.

Maybe you can write this up in a note, and start your next session with this info? I think you have a pretty clear understanding about why the vacation worries you, now you just need to share this with T.

Who knows...maybe this break will lead to a BREAK-THROUGH!!!

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((MissCharlette))))))))))))))
*I* was nearly crying!!! =(

It is so terribly hard. Honestly last week i was afraid to go to the clinic monday - visioning everyone crying that T's plane had gone down and she was gone forever and ever. It does feel like total abandonment, like they only exist because we see them every time. Like you, I started preparing way in advance for the absense - but it really only made things worse. Much Much worse. Now that I have consented to go tonight, and deal with the loss again tomorrow, some how that is better than the week of worry and 2 weeks w/o t.
(tomorrow, remind me i said this).
I do hope you can give yourself permission to miss him - and mabye even permission to fantasize GOOD, POSITIVE fun things about T's vacation.
I'm here if you want to chat or PM.
kiya

[Mouse_]

MC, Yes the very first summer vaction away from T back on 05 T asked me what I was going to do? I said, just wipe you out in my mind. Then in 06 I said I'm going to do something special on the days that I would have had T, then in 07 I said I'm gonna have to think about you...but none of these things appeared to help me....then today the 08 break? well I do feel different, the missing her doesn't change, but theres something rather odd going on for me too. I am not desperate to try and replace what I am missing with anything else or anyone else, theres a sort of wierd calm about it all...I feel very sure of who I am inside, something that I always feared I had loss when T isn't around,...I guess thats what I always feared the most, that without T I cease to exist at all. I remember the first yr when T said to me that I feel she is taking something away from me when she goes? and I think its only now that I understand that statement...everywhere I look at the moment I see me and T and everything I do at the moment I feel I do through T if that makes sense, this is the first time I still feel her withiin me...perhaps as a baby when I was abandoned I hadn't had enought time to learn to contain enought of my birth mother within me, that part of our being that we do need...the soul that is passed on from one being to another...I think that must have been awful to have been abandoned with nothing inside and not enought memory to hold onto.....I think no matter how hard therapy is and how much we think we are not moving forward, we are...I mean theres no way I could have planned for me to feel like this this time...its like the pieces are falling into place and every tear, scream, suicidle thought, feelings of aloneness and heartache we experience in T are all part of the process...yes allow your self to miss him but dont try to do it so perfectly either because what is supposed to be will be at the end of the day!...I keep walking around with this silly smile on my face because I suddenly feel grateful for what T has given me..the ablity to have a healthy relationship with another and the ablity to stand on my own 2 feet as well!...

[mlpHolmes]

Sending healing and warm thoughts to you.

PM if you need or want to talk.

Hugs of care {{{Ms. Charlotte}}}

Holmes

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MissCharlotte said:
I wish I could tell him how I really feel--that I feel completely abandoned when he goes away; that for the first time in my life I feel like someone listens to me. That I wish he cared about me the way I care about him.


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MISS What do you think is holding you back from making this wish a reality? Your last sentence was very powerful-- "I wish he cared about me the way I care about him." Are you afraid that if you told him how you really feel it would reveal that imbalance in the therapy relationship that we are all afraid of?

For me, I know that T cares about me; however, I also am trying to accept that although there are a lot of reciprocal feelings, the way in which we both feel them is different. I think it's a big part of "growing up" is recognizing that our T's have feelings for us, but are not going to be the same exact ones, of the same exact nature, that we have for them-- for me, that has NOT been okay, but I'm starting to work on that.

Anyway, I'll shut up cause you are feeling sad and I'm going on one of my tangents. Just know that I'm here for you anytime you need.

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MissCharlotte said:
Yesterday's session was surprisingly difficult. I had not placed even one call since last week and didn't even leave any messages for him like I usually do. I am protecting myself from his impending vacation.

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I can so relate to this, Miss C. My T is out of town the second half of this week, so I am missing my Friday appointment, and I haven't called or e-mailed at all (normally, I call or e-mail daily). It's like it's easier to just pretend he doesn't even exist if he's not going to be there. But that's kind of scary - like, am I shutting down that part of myself that is connected to T? And can I get it back when I want to?

I'm always tempted to start skipping appointments before he has a vacation. Maybe so I can abandon him BEFORE he abandons me.

I agree with pink - I hope you can tell him the things you said in your last paragraph. Before my T's last vacation, I tearfully told him every thought and feeling I was having about him leaving - no matter how immature or childish they seemed (things like "I want you all to myself" while sobbing and hiding behind my hands ). In the end, it felt really healing - I was completely honest, he was totally accepting, and somehow, I felt more connected with him before he left instead of less.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss )))))))))))))))))))))))))) T vacations are so hard. I hope you will come here and let us support you while he's gone.

[MissCharlotte]

Kiya,

Yes, I will miss him, but good positive things about his vacation? Come on....

LOL

[MissCharlotte]

Mouse,

OMG your post truly resonated. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I guess thats what I always feared the most, that without T I cease to exist at all.

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THAT IS IT!!!!!!!!! I was trying to explain to him tonite that I am afraid that during his vacation I will hit a certain point where I will have to re-invent myself once again as I have so many times in my life. I am tired of doing this and don't want to anymore. But I can only hold onto him for about five days, a week tops then poof!-he's gone. I think that the feelings of abandonment from my mother are what comes up for me.

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the ablity to have a healthy relationship with another

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Tonite I told him that I was not having relationships with any more people--just animals!

[MissCharlotte]

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Who knows...maybe this break will lead to a BREAK-THROUGH!!!

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Maybe, but I think more like some insight. T says vacations are opportunities. Sigh.

[MissCharlotte]

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What do you think is holding you back from making this wish a reality?

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You know that's a good question and one that T and I explored tonight. Although the imbalance is part of the hesitation the bigger dilemma for me is shame. I hold shame inside of me -- huge amounts--. There is shame for feeling, shame for feeling loving feelings, shame for needing love and shame for just existing. Most of this came from my mother. T called it my "forbidden feelings."

Of course the imbalance in the relationship is also huge. And because I hold so much shame -- it makes that imbalance that much more volatile.

Peace out sistah

[MissCharlotte]

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It's like it's easier to just pretend he doesn't even exist if he's not going to be there

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Earthmama,

YES! I do pretend he doesn't exist because it's easier than dealing with the impending separation.

I told him tonite that my intellectual self couldn't sync up with my body and although I know he will come back my body -- my whole self doesn't know it.

[MissCharlotte]

When I got to session I was five minutes late or so. I came in and was talking about something ELSE--telling him about my day and how good I felt. T pointed out that I have been late the last couple of sessions. I said I was sorry, but I have been coming from a different location and I just didn't allow enough time. He said that our behaviors are often a portal to the unconscious. I was laughing, sort of nervously. I said that today I made native American rattles at camp with the kids and if I had mine I would shake it at him and he would think there was a rattlesnake in the room. Of course by now, he's just giving me "that look." I go, "Okay, I already told you that I am avoiding dealing with your vacation!."

Whew--the session just took off from there. We talked about how I felt when I think of him going away. I told him that I can feel it in my body--my heart races a bit. He said that he believed that I have difficulty allowing myself to love him--that I don't know how. He said that loving relationships are a basic necessity of life. I told him that I was very crabby yesterday (the day between sessions) and that I felt like I was completely out of my body all day. He said that I dissociated so much as a child to avoid the painful stuff. (blah blah blah)

We talked about all the feelings of shame that come up for me in the context of my feelings for him.

He said I would benefit from doing some basic grounding exercises to help me stay on the earth. He recommended qi gong (sp?). He stood up and asked me to stand as well and he taught me a qi gong grounding exercise. We stood for about a minute or two facing each other. It was pretty amazing and I felt completely grounded--In fact, so much that I was a regular blabbermouth the rest of the session.

I told him that I was afraid that I would think I had to re-invent myself again while he was gone. I said that I had done that so many times in my life and I just refused to do it again. But I also pointed out that I cannot hold onto him or the relationship longer than five days, a week at most. We talked about how I don't fantasize about his vacation--he's just gone! He said, "Now you see me, now you don't." I told him that it felt like a very young part of me and he said it must be. We talked about my mother's abandonment (blah blah blah).

Sigh. I love my therapy.

[Kiya]

Miss =( sorry you're hurting!!
"Tonite I told him that I was not having relationships with any more people--just animals!"
I agree!!! I do far better with animals than ppl.

[Mouse_]

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MissCharlotte said:

THAT IS IT!!!!!!!!! I was trying to explain to him tonite that I am afraid that during his vacation I will hit a certain point where I will have to re-invent myself once again

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yes re-inventing ourselfs...why did we do that? ....is that a trauma within itself? having to try and form a false self before we've even been able to form a real self?...is that the feeling off sickness inside?...is it the sudden switching from being someone who is in therapy to being someone without therapy again?....I think what I am finding now that the person I am in therapy and the person I am outside of therapy are becoming one_and_the_same.....perhaps thats why I don't feel as shocked as I normally do when T is away?...because I have a sense of the person I am when I'm with her..its the loss of that feeling that hurts the most?...sorry your reply just got me thinking...