I feel like I am on here asking for support way, WAY too much lately. So, I apologize in advance for yet another needy post.

Actually, I can't even type out what's wrong. I doubt this is even in the right forum, this is just where I usually post and feel like I "know" the most people.

T isn't helping. I guess that's how this ties into the psychotherapy forum.

I don't even know what I'm asking for. This sucks.

sorry it's not much but ..

((((((((((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))))))))))

big hug for you ..... wish it could be a real one .......

Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

Can you give T another chance? Can you call him and tell him you are in pain and he isn't helping? Can you talk through this?

How can we help? We are here for you.

Take care.

[Kiya]

=( (((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))) what happened????

[sunrise]

(((((earthmama)))))

Did you have therapy today?

I hope you will pass through this soon and become able to reconnect with your T. I know he would want to help you.

[chaotic13]

((((((EM)))))))

[little*rhino]

oh who *cares* if it is the "right" forum? Ha.. so now tuck that one worry away.

i hate the blah monster em.. can't express the feelings.

sorry it's rough... but we LOVE you lots and lots

and im sorry.. there isn't any slab of meat in the regular smilies

Thanks, all.

I sent T the most scathing, hateful, angry e-mail tonight. I have never done anything even remotely like that before - to him or anyone else. I am SO not a scathing, hateful, angry e-mailer. My appointment is tomorrow at noon. On the one hand, I'm tempted to skip it....on the other, I want to go there in person and tell him what a %#@&#! %#@&#! I think he is.

I don't know if I hate him or if this is negative transference. When I step back and look at it objectively (not easy to do) my feelings do seem out of proportion to the situation. But on the other hand, I feel like I've taken some big risks in therapy lately, and really let him in, and like he isn't keeping up his end of the bargain....and that PISSES ME OFF and makes me feel like all of his "caring" is a big fake show. Ugh. UGH!

I'm sure I'll update tomorrow after my appointment. I'll probably update the medal race on the Olympic thread too. Right now, he is definitely in the running for Gold for Biggest %#@&#!, and I'm leading the race for Most Inappropriately Hateful E-mail.

[Kiya]

@_@ OMG!

((((((((((((((Earthmama!!!)))))))))))))))))
Hope things will be alright and there will be more understanding on the other side of this!

(((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))

After today's session, I think we're moving TOWARDS understanding, and being okay. So, heading in the right direction anyhow.

This was pretty much a big screw up on T's part. My e-mail was a little out there, but the feelings were real, and valid.

Therapy. Ugh.

Earth,
Hey! I'm glad that you worked things out with your T I did the same thing, sent angry emails to T and then felt guilty about it. I went through "negative" transference and the emails got worse. I now think, "Who wrote those? It couldn't have been me!" T was hurt and angry about these

He told me, "You thought I was a @#$@#$@#$ during that time." I told him that, as hard as it is to believe, that I didn't think that. I was so angry because I kept feeling rejected
by him and it hurt massively. This caused my anger to intensify and to be directed at him. Yes, the anger was out of proportion to the situation so I suspect that it was the result of feeling rejected by an attachment figure a long time ago. It's hard to explain to someone else when you are saying horrible things about them that you just want them to be there for you forever, to not leave.

I spent about three months in the negative transference mode with T. It was sooo difficult. I know what you are going through and want you to know that it does get better!

Take care.

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earthmama said:


I sent T the most scathing, hateful, angry e-mail tonight.

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At my session today (well, yesterday, since I'm up in the middle of the night with insomnia!), I learned that my e-mail was neither scathing NOR hateful.

T and I spent the whole session talking about the e-mail, about my feelings about what had happened, etc. I have never been encouraged - well, never even been ALLOWED - in any of my relationships - to have feelings or to be angry. So, when I sent an e-mail to T telling him how I felt about what he had done, it felt SO over the top to me - like I was just out of control and unacceptable.

When T and I talked about it, it was clear to him that I was angry and hurt, but that was it. And he said the anger and hurt were appropriate. And he said he felt really bad about hurting me - especially the young part of me.

It was really eye-opening....I'm still trying to get my mind around it. I really don't get angry, and this is something T and I have talked a lot about. He has been trying to help me see that there is such a thing as "good anger" and "appropriate anger" - in my mind, anger is dangerous, anger hurts you, anger is scary - because that is my experience of other people being angry, especially in childhood. So....T hurt me, I told him I was angry, and...that's okay??

I guess it's another example of how we use the therapy relationship itself to learn and grow and heal. Too bad it's so darn gut-wrenching and painful sometimes!!

[chaotic13]

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I learned that my e-mail was neither scathing NOR hateful

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Isn't interesting how we judge ourselves. I often feel like what I've written my T is weird, show extreme anger, excessively needy... Then she doesn't seem to get the same impression. I often wonder... why is it that I perceive what I say and write so differently. I am just acknowledging what I was REALLY feeling when I wrote something, but my automatic filter watered it down before sending it? Or are they just being T and taking it all in stride?

[Kiya]

Yeah, I wonder the same thing. Earthmama, I am sooooo glad things went well and that T was helpful in letting you show anger.
I had a similar experience this week with T when I was talking about my ER experience and how I had felt betrayed and tricked by MD in being 'fed to the wolves' in some of the tests and how one of my alters (after said test) said about MD "I am NEVER speaking to her again!!! Never talking to 'that woman' ever, ever again!!!!" T's eyebrows got lost in her hair at those words (of my beloved MD) and how later in the ER when I was trying to contact MD because she had said she'd call to check in on me and hadn't by 5:20pm, I couldn't reach her and felt totally, totally abandoned. Not a feeling I usually allow. I told T all this and so we talked about how my life map that i've been given by my parents consists of either smothering, suffocating "love" that hurts, or the opposite of emotional neglect which feels like abandonment. "So", said T "I can see why you struggle with getting your needs met when you feel that if you can't meet them right then, it feels like abandonment." And went on to talk about these relationships I am forming with MD and T and how they are steady and I am supposed to be able to tell them when I am angry with them.... and that is ok. I still can't do it yet. When MD did call me, all that fell away. I never told her I was upset. When T didn't call on her vacation (again) like she said she would, I didn't tell her. And yet she wants me too. I don't get it. But maybe I'll learn one day.
Earthmama, you seem to be breaking the learning curve and getting through these lessons quickly!!!! Kudos!!!!!

that was a far longer post than i had intended to write. sorry!!!

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Kiya said:
I am supposed to be able to tell them when I am angry with them.... and that is ok. I still can't do it yet. When MD did call me, all that fell away. I never told her I was upset. When T didn't call on her vacation (again) like she said she would, I didn't tell her. And yet she wants me too. I don't get it.

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This is really hard for me too. T has always encouraged me - from practically the first session in therapy - to be angry at him and to tell him I'm angry. And there have been times when I've been angry - but then I convince myself that I'm being unreasonable, and I let it go without ever telling him.

We've bickered in session - but that feels different than anger - we're disagreeing on something, but it's fun.

I think this time I felt hurt badly enough - and the timing was SOOOOOOOOOO terrible, I mean as bad as it could be - that I just let him know how angry I was.

I'm sure it will all work out, but right now I feel sad to have this rift between me and T. I do think a lot of really deep, important issues have come up as a result of this though - it's definitely given us a lot of new stuff to work on.

But I miss T. I really want it to be Monday so we can be in the same room and maybe work some more towards recovering from this rupture.

No wonder I have a migraine today!

[Kiya]

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww sorry you feel so bad and have a migraine to boot! (((((((((((((((hugs and excedrin migraine )))))))))))))))))))))
keep writing and calling t..... i am so glad you are working through it vs. running!!!! Very inspiring to me!!!

[Sannah]

This is great EM! What great stuff for you to be learning. But it seems that you still don't feel alright with it?

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Sannah said:
This is great EM! What great stuff for you to be learning. But it seems that you still don't feel alright with it?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No, I don't really feel alright with it.

I do feel like it is okay for me to be angry at T, and he did apologize, and we're working towards reconnecting. All of that is good.

In general, I hate having any disconnect with T. That part feels bad. I think I feel like I'm at a vulnerable stage of therapy - where we've sort of opened everything up and are in the process of looking at it and healing it - but it is SO FAR from being healed - so I just feel kind of fragile and alone right now without T.

I do feel very, very attached to him and this disconnect hurts. I don't even feel like I'm explaining it very well. I guess I feel kind of vulnerable and alone.

[Sannah]

Interesting how you feel disconnected from him because of this? To give you "normal info" (I needed to learn tons of this stuff!) "healthy" folks can get angry with each other without feeling disconnected. Please do not take this wrong!

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Sannah said:
Interesting how you feel disconnected from him because of this? To give you "normal info" (I needed to learn tons of this stuff!) "healthy" folks can get angry with each other without feeling disconnected. Please do not take this wrong!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LOL - no, I TOTALLY need to learn what is "normal", believe me!

And I do hope that someday I will be able to be angry without feeling disconnected. I'm just not there yet, apparently!

I am always ready to shut down and run away from T. I'm learning not to do it, but it's just my instinct. I'm always on guard, looking for a sign that it's time to cut and run. I'm learning that I'm not going to have to do that with T - that he is safe - but it makes it hard to stay connected when we have a misunderstanding.

I DO hope to be normal someday! Really!

[Sannah]

Thought about this a little more and wondered if you feel disconnected because you don't feel comfortable with this anger and it is sending you off balance a bit and when you are off balance it is hard to connect? It is sort of like a dissociation? I remember feeling like this sometimes and my husband was really patient and we would call it "I'm out of it"!

[sunrise]

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earthmama said:
I really don't get angry, and this is something T and I have talked a lot about. He has been trying to help me see that there is such a thing as "good anger" and "appropriate anger" - in my mind, anger is dangerous, anger hurts you, anger is scary - because that is my experience of other people being angry, especially in childhood. So....T hurt me, I told him I was angry, and...that's okay??

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">earthmama, this could have been written by me! I am the same way. I can see that therapy can help with this. I got angry at T one session and we dealt with it. It remains one of my favorite sessions. It was very powerful to get angry and have the other person be OK with it. Who would have guessed someone would accept my anger and not abandon me?

Hang in there. You are doing great work. I hope the time until T returns passes quickly for you.

[Kiya]

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earthmama said:
so I just feel kind of fragile and alone right now without T.
I guess I feel kind of vulnerable and alone.

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padding EM in lots of bubble wrap for this week. Wanting to help hold you and keep you safe =(