[Mouse_]

...Get my t-i-t-s! out and run down the street? LOL! nah, wondering whether too just drop T an email simply stating "sigh, its a long time"...Havent' seen her for 3weeks and still a week and a bit to go...dum, dee, dum. should I, shouldn't I? I mean I know I'm fairing ok, no sudden crisis or that, but just feel I'd like to secure the attachment a little bit by making a little contact. Think I'll just pop out up the shops with me girls, then I'll think some more about it. Funny thing is, T will reply and think nothing off it, and theres me humming and arring whether too or not. But hey theres nothing wrong with wanting a bit of T time and if I dont send just a teenie, whinney email then I feel as If I'm just cutting my nose of to spite my face. Yeah go on, email her. Oh we're see, yeah well make your mind up coz your humming and arrring is driving me nuts LOL! hey I've got to go shopping with two 15yr olds, now that will drive ya nuts, an email To T will be nothing compared to that LOL!>>

Mouse wanders off talking to herself LOL!

[Mouse_]

So I did. I wrote....

Me: sigh, its a long time.

You: Yes it is a long time.

Bye

Ain't got a clue if shes at home on holiday or parachute jumping in the rain forest some place LOL. Oh well,

[darkrunner]

hang in there Mouse!

Was the shopping therapeutic at all?

[Simcha]

There aren't many things much more trying than shopping for clothes with two teenage girls, is there?

[Mouse_]

Ktgal and Simcha, LOL!!

Well the worse thing I could have done was email T, I was doing well until then and now with no reply I feel awful. All sorts of reasons why she hasn't replied are going through my mind. Its not that she isn't not returning my email because shes on holiday because once before she said it was fine to email her when shes on holiday and I said, but your not at home? (why I made that suuuuupid statement I dunno) and off course she said, I've internet access anywhere.

I asked myself why am I making myself feel rejected and abandoned over this? I was doing fine, why does this have to change that? Then I got a picture of a child letting go of the furniture for the first time and realising they can walk unaided, and its like that with this issue, I can continue to be fine or I can sit and feel rejected and abandoned and make everying about about this email? I guess when T said once that I need to experience her in certain ways so I can resolve the memory, perhaps I'm torturing myself with the getting no reply because I'm trying to fix the old memorys of the times I was once abadoned/rejected. Oh well I will meditate on letting go this one issue around the email when on all other areas of my life I've really managed well this summer break.

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL.

[Perna]

I found a wonderful greeting card for mine, had a 3-4 year old little girl on a window seat looking out the window wistfully and on the inside said, "You can come back now."

[Mouse_]

Perna, Perna, where you been! and yes, that card would have been perrrrrrrfect!!

[Mouse_]

Well I reckon T is being held hostage in the Columbian jungle LOL, I've obviously been swinging from one reason to another why no reply. At the bottom of my wondering is the concrete truth, that T isn't going to be playing games and isn't ignoring me or teaching me a lesson, this tells me more about my life and my thinking then it does T.

I went to a Boot sale (yard sale) with hubbywubby this morning and of course my mind was stuck thinking and wondering exactly where may be. But its good practice for my head because I'm having to help myself here, I'm having to witness myself torturing myself and then I'm having to go in to that strange place located someplace in my skull and rescue me.

Its the knowing that I'm adult and seperate from T and the reality of the relationship that I detest having to deal with. Of course I am not 3yrs old needing to tug hold of mums/T leg, of course I am ok, but still, I want to regress to that place where I dont have to take responsiblity and someone else is doing it all for me.

I know I shall get a reply next week from T saying something simple like

"Dear Mouse, Yes It is a long time and that is difficult for you at this moment and I would have replied sooner except some goverment rebels had me tide to a big coconut tree".

See you Monday 8th

Love ***

[Kiya]

If it helps.... and it may not.... I am meeting my former t from several years ago for coffee today and the place we were going to wouldn't have been open. so i called to tell her, left a message last night at 10. This morning at 8:30, still no word, no call, no email.... So i called and she sounded guarded like she didn't know why i was calling. I asked if she had gotten my message and she said no.
So even ex -t's don't always get the message either.
=( Hope you are ok!

[Mouse_]

Thanks Kiya, I'm pretty much ok about this really. I think humour is my line of defence and its working quite well at the moment LOL!

[SpottedOwl]

(((Mouse)))
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Then I got a picture of a child letting go of the furniture for the first time and realising they can walk unaided, and its like that with this issue, I can continue to be fine or I can sit and feel rejected and abandoned and make everying about about this email? I guess when T said once that I need to experience her in certain ways so I can resolve the memory, perhaps I'm torturing myself with the getting no reply because I'm trying to fix the old memorys of the times I was once abadoned/rejected.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is so powerful. I read it -- went away, and I had to come back and post.
Something about the image of a young child letting go of the furniture...Wow!!

Just a thought -- feel free to ignore it --

What if you found that picture of a child in your mind, and then imagined *you* were the child's mother. How would you respond to the child releasing her hold from the furniture and taking those first steps?

Imagine giving the little girl love and support, and being the mother that that child really needs.
Then, Thank the child for taking the risk of letting go.
Thank yourself for properly caring for the child and her emotional needs.

I believe that we 'torture' ourselves when there is something important to be resolved. Perhaps this feeling is an opportunity to release some old pain.

Many

Wishing you that inner peace, and a connection with that little girl. I'm hoping she can let go again, and try taking another step.

[Mouse_]

Wow spottedowl, Now you've given me something to think about!

You know I was just upstairs reading some old journals from as far back as 2004 when I first started with this T. What I noticed was how much angrier I was then, how much I've learnt to use anger and guilt as a tool. That my anger and acting out back then didn't bring T back and it won't today either, BUT the important thing to know is that I dont need to control just-one-person today like that, I did once, my world was just my adoptive mother, it was live or death to me then that I get to believe that I can control her enought to give me what I need, but thats all it was, an illusion. I felt good reading those old journals, I got to see that at least my anger has eased over the yrs, that I do tolerate feelings of fear a lot better. I did cringe at how I have used anger and guilt as a tool to get what i want, but I also forgave myself immediately as we learn what we learn as children. But why does it feel like a loss to let go dysfunction? It feels empty and for a moment I wondered what will become of me if I stop manipulations and acting out? But then a sort of calm came over me that said, this is what replaces those ways of being.

Sorry I think I've rambled a bit there, but your post gives me something to go think on, thanks!

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I asked myself why am I making myself feel rejected and abandoned over this?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I ASK MYSELF THIS QUESTION TOO!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
At the bottom of my wondering is the concrete truth, that T isn't going to be playing games and isn't ignoring me or teaching me a lesson, this tells me more about my life and my thinking then it does T.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
This is what I was doing to myself just last month. My brain was coming up of with all kinds of reasons for why I was not getting a response (like... some behaviorist--negative feedback tactic to extinguish unwanted behaviors). Even though, I knew it could be something as simple as... she doesn't check her email frequently. Also when I logically assessed the situation it was OBVIOUS that my T was trained and would not need to resort to these punitive measures... Yet I still let these outrageous scenarios play over and over in my head until I felt bad. WHY?

I guess it does give us insight into OUR thinking doesn't it.

Nice post Mouse. I also am on an extended break from T, but seem to be avoiding (at least at this point) getting caught up in this pattern of thinking.

[Mouse_]

Yeah well she replied, but wish she hadn't. She lied, one of the things she said is "yes it is a long time but [b]we]/b] are getting through it, why she say WE????its not we is it, its me. Perhaps she thinks I'm some 3yr old that believes crap like "we"..perhaps its some fantasy in my mind anyways and nothing to do with missing her...then why the %#@&#! bothter going to therapy, she shouldnt have lied, she should have just said "your getting through it" dont %#@&#! lie!!...I just dont want to be alone unyet I'm not physicall alone, I've got a great hubby and kids but my psyche is alone and I can't make it feel not alone...and she said WE!,...well %#@&#! her!

[darkrunner]

((((((((((Mouse))))))))))

dear mouse, I hear you....I understand what you're saying. It does seem like a lie and that feels bad.

Is it possible she meant it in a way you aren't thinking of? Like maybe she is worried about you and concerned about you, and she is missing the connection with you and being able to make sure you're doing ok? - but she is getting through that?

Or maybe she was just trying to show her solidarity with you....she is still on your side even though she isn't with you like usual.

I don't know....just trying to give you other ways to think of it. I definitely understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry that she said that and it is upsetting.

((((((((((((((((((((((( Mouse ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Mouse_]

((ktgirl)) I appriate your response. Some place deep inside of me I know T didn't lie, well not in the way I seem to feel she lied. I know this is a trigger for me because my anger is raging without any real valid reason.

Its like I'm scared to admit whats really angering me?, I'm scared to admit that I wanted T to express more need for me then what she did. But if she did that really, I'd proberbly feel kinda of freaked out. But its someplace inside my mind that wants something so much more, unyet its clashing with my adult self and its causing such inner war!!

I mean what did I really want? T to have written back "dear Mouse I miss you soo much, all I can do is think about you"? %#@&#! I'd run a mile if she did that, unyet I think this person inside me was expecting that?? I need to take control of the reigns here, this child inside of me is killing me!!

Perhaps this about the confirmation I wanted/needed as a child when I found I was adopted and needed to know that my adoption wasn't a mistake? that my adoptive mother really truely wanted me? that she wouldn't do what one mother already had done? and the only thing that a 5 yr old could see as permenant was someones undying love for me? which I never got, never got a "yes you were wanted speech", just got a "your lucky we got you, you could have ended up in a childrens home",

No ones going to give me that security now are they, not the way I needed it back then, its now, i'm 46, T is giving me the best an adult can give to another, I've got to get used to that, face my demons, what demons? the demons that were always terrified of being given away AGAIN! get over it "mouse" %#@&#! get over it!

[Mouse_]

And I'll shut up now.

[ECHOES]

Oh (((Mouse_)))

Your T's "we" remark reminds me of a time when I thought I could not take care of myself at all. I was running errands and crying at the same time, driving while hysterical (outta be a law, I suppose), thinking "I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!! WHAT AM i GOING TO DO?!?!...when it occurred to me... I AM taking care of myself, right now, right at the same time I am having this thought that I can't do it, I am doing it !!

You have really had such a long break from T. I am distressed with a week: I can't imagine having to go 4 weeks.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Mouse )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hang in there, sweetie. You're doing really well.

You know, sometimes I really regret reaching out to T when we are apart - sending an e-mail or whatever - because I am taking such a big risk. What if he doesn't e-mail back? What if he e-mails back but sounds unfriendly? What if he e-mails something and I misinterpret it? It's getting better, but when it was a more unfamiliar thing, it was often upsetting. And I would drive myself crazy - because I wanted SO badly to reach out to him, but then the SECOND I did it, I would start worrying and regret it. Oy! THERAPY!!!!!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Mouse )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) This feels bad, and hard. And it will work out.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ECHOES said:

Your T's "we" remark reminds me of a time when I thought I could not take care of myself at all. I was running errands and crying at the same time, driving while hysterical (outta be a law, I suppose), thinking "I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!! WHAT AM i GOING TO DO?!?!...when it occurred to me... I AM taking care of myself, right now, right at the same time I am having this thought that I can't do it, I am doing it !!


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I really like this story, Echoes.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I asked myself why am I making myself feel rejected and abandoned over this?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
...And now lied to. Do you think your focus and interpretation of your T's use of the word WE is more of what ever this is all about? My mind sometimes gets hell bent on creating misery, and unfortunately is very good at it.

Maybe your T after wandering through the Columbian jungle stumbled into a small Internet cafe. She had just a few minutes to checked her email and fired off a quick, well-intended, but not well throughout response before being captured by the local warload.

[lizzzie]

Mouse, it's beautiful, how self-aware you are with this whole process. I know it's really hard right now, but it sounds like you're able to step back and really see your feelings, which can only be a good thing...like someone said earlier, you're watching your child-self fall down, but then picking her back up again, and you both (child and adult selves) learn from the experience.

Hang in there!

[MissCharlotte]

((Mouse))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kids but my psyche is alone and I can't make it feel not alone.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I so get this. I feel the same. As I go through each day, functioning, seeing H, taking care of kids, teaching, etc. I still feel alone. It is such a paradoxical experience, and frankly, exhausting. I don't know about you but I can't take much more of it.

[MissCharlotte]

((Echoes))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!! WHAT AM i GOING TO DO?!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is where I am right now too!