outing myself

I posted this on the substance abuse board, but since it ties in a lot with therapy, I'm posting here too.

Long story short (because I am not feeling very well right now, to put it mildly!), I have been taking SOMETHING to get through the day, every day, for a long time. Something not prescribed for me. It's been becoming more and more of a problem, and I finally realized that I have to stop.

The withdrawal sucks. I called and left a panicky message with T. I am so scared he is going to refer me. But I just have to be honest and own up to what I am doing.

I'm really scared. I know I have been using it as a form of self-medicating, but I think it's just backfiring on me. I've been in AA for a few years, and this is obviously not the AA way to live. Or any way to live.

So, it's 5:20 and I've almost made it through day one. I am definitely, DEFINITELY going to get the xanax prescription this week that my T has been wanting me to get for a while. The xanax just calms me down - doesn't give me that "buzzed" feeling that I've been riding on.

It's a scary thing. I feel like "I don't have time to deal with this" because my kids need me, and my friends need me- a lot of people need me. I guess it had just got to that crappy "bottom" it had to get to so I could stop.

I am really, really scared. I asked T to call me back and just leave me a message, and I know he will when he gets my message, but he checks them infrequently on the weekend.

I'm scared because I know that this will probably make T more, instead of less, intense for a while.

I feel ashamed, and embarrased, and stupid, and scared, and a whole list of other bad things.

Blah.

(((((((((((earthmama)))))))))

I'm sorry that you feel so bad right now.

Well done for admitting that things are not good, and can't go on like this.

(((((earthmama)))))

You are showing a lot of courage. You are taking an important step.

Should you tail off the "something" instead of going cold turkey to help with the withdrawal? (I don't know if that's an appropriate suggestion or not as I don't know what you're taking.)

When you got your Xanax prescription recently, did you tell your doctor about what else you are taking? It is very important to not mix certain drugs, they can synergistically act to be more powerful than on their own. I hope your doctor had full information before prescribing the Xanax. Please be careful, EM.

I hope your T calls back soon. Hang in there. You are on the road to health.

HI EM,
Hang in there, you took the first step to get through this situation. I would also recommend that you contact your primary physician as well. Tell them what you have been taking, they might be helpful in letting you know how to whine off it at a pace that is tolerable for you. Hope your T calls soon. From what you have told us about him, he won't leave you. He'll be proud you took this step. Stay brave and let us know how it goes

EM,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. You've taken an amazing step by admitting to your self-medication and then by realizing it needs to be curbed. I also worry about the possible interactions with other meds you may be taking. Please be careful to make sure whatever you're taking is totally out of your system before starting the xanax (consult with a physician too?).

I trust that your T will guide offer some good advice. Please keep posting.
And, again, GOOD for you!

(((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))

I am sorry that you are ashamed and embarrassed and feel stupid. We still care about you a whole lot and just see it as something that you were doing so that you could cope.... You are a really smart woman who is working really hard to get better and you will get better and you will be able to leave all of these unhealthy coping mechanisms behind..... I'm sorry that you are scared too

EM,

If you were the only one here with unhealthy coping mechanisms well then I would be really surprised. I would imagine we have all been there, are there, or will be there.

You are very brave to take this step.

Be good to yourself.

((((((((((earthmama))))))))))

(((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))),
MissC was right, many of us resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms because we are trying to dull the pain. You are not alone. I'm so glad that you trust your T! He has been there and will continue to be there for you. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. It takes a lot of courage to tell your T you are having a problem, and YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!!! You never cease to amaze me, I'm so proud of you!

((((((((((((((( reddevil ))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((( sunrise ))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((( coconut 64 ))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((forever lost ))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((( gimmeice ))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((( sannah )))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((( Miss C )))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((( soliaree ))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you everyone for your hugs and kind words. It is hard for me to "hear" them right now, but I do appreciate them, and will re-read them again and again, I'm sure.

I'm off to bed right now. Whew.

(((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))
sorry - lil behind the times here.

I just want to add my {hug} here for you. I was in almost the exact same situation a few years ago. My DH is a pharmacist and we owned a drug store. I started self-medicating and did it w/out anybody knowing. When I decided I needed help, I felt ALL of the same feelings you mention. I went thru a very difficult time, but I came out on the other side. YOU WILL TOO. If you ever want to talk about it or need some advice please mssg. me. OK?

tulips

(((EM))) Been there

You are not alone EM...the good thing is you recognize the problem and will work toward a solution. It's a battle for sure...don't be embarassed, I know that is easier said than done. Talk to your T, if he is anything like mine you'll get through this.

Feel free to PM if you need to

DONT feel all those thoughts.......... You are so brave to be talking about this......

(((((((((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))))
Damn EM, you have more chutzpah than most people I know.

I don't think you have very much to be afraid of by outing yourself--the fear is more related to letting yourself down and afraid that other people think less of you and reject you for admitting that you have a problem and need help. The reality is that the people you love, care about, and respect-- the people that really matter---will not think anything less of you; especially your T. I don't think it will make therapy super intense like it has been at times in the past either (other than the difficulty in the actual first step of committing to telling your T in session), and in fact it might even make therapy somewhat easier if you can think with a clear head and really deal with the emotions that you were trying to avoid with the self-medication.

Relapses are very common, and more the rule than the exception in recovering addicts. AA of all the places in the world should be an accepting place, and should respect you for having the guts that so many people lack. I think you can get through this, but don't go it alone. Your T is fabulous, and the perfect person to deal with this problem with. The only caution I would give you now--just because I don't want anything adverse to happen by mixing Xanax or any other medication with whatever substance you are talking about here, and also because I don't want one addiction to lead to another addiction in place of the old one-- is that you please find a way to be open with your physician about your self-medication. If it were me, I wouldn't trust myself with the Xanax or anything else for that matter for quite some time, and I'm not so sure that Xanax is going to be ultimately helpful to you in this matter anyway. Your T recommended it when he didn't know about your self-medication, so discuss it with him first.
(((em))) I have so much respect for you for being so open. Someday I'll find a way to be more open about myself like you have been here with us. You are helping other people by being open with us, and I'm glad you are here. You are irreplaceable. Please be good to yourself.

(((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((( Tulips))))))))))))))))))))
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((((((((((((((((((lauren helene ))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((meeka)))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((( simcha )))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I did tell T, and of course, he is NOT going to refer me (like I had feared for some reason) He was concerned,and wanted to know the details- what, how much, etc. But he is still there for me.

I went to AA and told my home group, and they were loving and supportive too.

I think a lot of this is ACCEPTING that I have PTSD. I have been self-medicating in one way or another since I was 18 (at least). I keep thinking "well, if I just TRY HARDER, or DO BETTER, or whatever, then the intrusive thoughts, fear, etc. will just go away". Somehow, in the past couple of days, I'm finally starting to accept that diagnosis, and it makes me feel like maybe I can forgive myself just a little bit. Like....these symptoms aren't my fault. Whoa, it kind of takes my breath away to even type that. It's a hard one to get my brain around.

Anyhow, I do have a prescription, in my own name, for klonopin now. I told the doctor as much as I could, but I was very scared while I was there. I've taken 1/2 of a pill a couple of times since my appointment on Monday morning, and honestly, it really helps. I don't feel like I have to be running, running, running all the time...I feel kind of normal.

Thanks for all of the support, everyone. I PC!

I once helped with a study of the use of Xanax. One of our patients had a seizure when he stopped taking a high dose suddenly, and was taken to the hospital. Don't discontinue it abruptly.

((((((((((((((((((((((((EM))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It is REALLY good to hear back from you and that the negative is turning into a positive.

When do you see your T again?
I would have a very difficult time telling anyone other than my T such things, so talking to the doctor would have been the hardest part for me. I'm really glad you stopped the habit in its tracks before it became a gigantic stumbling block. It's like saying "Hey, I'm the one in charge here!" I like that.
Sam

I also believe you use the best tools or coping techniques that you can (even if they are unhealthy ones) at the time & when you are capable of doing better you will do better. I used to have to close myself up in a closet for hours & hours & just cry & cry to keep myself from overdosing on my meds. I don't have to do that anymore. When the suicidal thoughts come, I'm more able to deal with them rationally.

You are having a "growth spurt" now & are going to learn some great new healthier coping techniques & let the old dysfunctional (self medicationing) ones fall away.

It's not a blame thing. We do the best we can with the tools we have. When we can do better, we will do better. I'm learning new tools in by DBT group & I'm starting to implement them. When the old dysfunctional ways of coping start hurting you enough then you will seek out a way to change, at least in my case.

Sometimes, we need to just look at some of the trauma we have survived & how we are actively searching for healing & a better quality of life & give ourselves a big pat on the back for the great efforts we are doing.

Great going, Earthmama!!--Suzy

((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))

You are brave and courageous. Be well.

((((((((((EM)))))))))))

How you doing?

I recently resorted back to some not-so-great coping mechanisms since all the stuff that has been going on with me. I try not to feel ashamed about it; rather I just try to understand why I'm doing it. However, I understand that a lot of bad feelings can come along with stuff like this, especially when you admit it to your T. I think that sometimes we want our T's to think we are better than what they see-- and sometimes we want them to think we are worse. It is interesting how we are afraid to just let them see us as we are. Maybe you are scared that your T is just seeing you, at this time, as you are. I know I have gone both ways (in terms of "better" and "worse"). I am slowly learning to "just be." I hope you are taking good care of yourself. xoxo.