Sharing. . .Then Worrying What T Thinks

It has always been hard for me to talk openly about certain issues, so in my therapy, I've done ALOT of writing about how I feel. I've tried to be brave and honest, and have really divulged alot of my thoughts and feelings. . . some of them extremely personal and/or embarrassing. I'm pretty sure I've said things that most people would not mention, even to their t. While my t has commended the poetry I've shared with her and always responds acceptingly to whatever I write. . .I can't help but think that much of my writing must peg me as a really messed up/disturbed person. I worry that when she reads what I've written, inside her head she is thinking, "Oh man! This person is MAJORLY screwed up!" Maybe she pities me, like she would a lost dog. Or maybe she feels exasperated because I come across as a self-consumed whiner.

I worry about this because she rarely tells me how she feels about what I write. We talk about my feelings and reactions, which I know is the focus of therapy. But I can't help wondering what she thinks, how she reacts inside to what I share with her . . .what she actually thinks of me as a person. At times, she has commented on talents I have (such as jewelry making and musical ability), but she does not tell me what she thinks of me. I just wish I knew.

Although part of my concern is probably unfounded paranoia, she has at times made statements that I believe indicate that I must be quite disturbed. For example, once my husband joked that I'd be in therapy forever. When I mentioned it to my therapist and asked her opinion, she said "Based on the early deficits you had in your childhood, you may always have some need for a therapeutic relationship." That tells me that she must consider me pretty bad off.

Do any of you worry about this?

(((((((((( peaches )))))))))))))))))))))

I have worried several times about what my T thinks of me but I have recently worked on the relationship with my T and we talked a lot about some of her insights about me. That really has helped me to not worry, so maybe this is something you could bring up with your T. I have also been told that I will probably need at least some sort of therapy for the rest of my life, it might not have to be once a week but I will still need some help. The fact that you realize that have some issues and you are trying to work on them says to me that your T probably don't think that you are really messed up.

you know....i used too...now tho, i don't...call it healing , call it what ever you want ...but if i need therapy for ever then i do...if i don;'t, well then i don't.

i figure i will probably always need to take certain medicines for the rest of my life (asthma, diabetis, etc)...maybe someday i'll be in a better place health wise where i won't need as much or any...maybe not...i consider therapy the same thing....medicine for my psyche

it took a long time and lots of abuse (sexual and child abuse) for my mind to get as "therapy needing" as it is now...and it will take a long time to heal it. i too express myself better thru the written word...it's just easier for me...and my therapist comments on this.

i have asked her how long will it take for me to get better...and her response is...with time....as in..."it took time for the damage to occur..it will take to to heal." makes sense...broken bones don't heal overnight...i wouldn't worry about if she thinks you are the worst person to walk into her office...if she didn't think you were worth her time she wouldn't see you. be patient...thats the hardest thing for me...even tho i know it will be a slow process i still at times want healing to happen overnight...

I used to worry A LOT about what T thought about me and the things I told him. It really tore me up between appointments. This is something we talked about A LOT, once I got brave enough to tell him about it.

For a while, we would stop 5 minutes before the end of the appointment and I would think for a minute and then tell him the things I was going to worry about when I left and we would talk about those and he would reassure me a bit. He also leaves a phone message for me after EVERY appointment, after I call and tell him what I need. As you can see, I am the World's Neediest Therapy Client

Can you talk about these worries with your T? Talking and talking and talking about this was the only thing that helped. That, and time. The longer I see him, the more confident I feel that despite my messed up thinking and screwed up past, he really does like me and ACCEPT me how I am.

As for being in therapy forever....I used to worry about how long therapy would last, but I've sort of let that go. I'm super attached to my T, so I kind of want it to last forever for that reason. But anything could happen - finances have already determined that I am now a once-a-week client instead of a twice-a-week client... I guess I'm just trying to roll with it and see where the path takes me at this point.

I'm sorry you are having so many worries. I have SO been there (and certainly will be there again at some point!!!). For me, it's really part of the ebb and flow of my therapy.

Peaches!! ((((((((((((((((Peaches))))))))))))))))))
you ask, has anyone else worried about this? Have I! - when I read your post I had to stop halfway and check the author - I was thinking, whoa, I thought I had decided not to share this.

I have struggled with these thoughts until I came to something from Lloyd Richmond -
"...you do not speak about the past in therapy so that your T can understand what happened; you speak in therapy so that you may hear yourself speaking the truth about your own life" --
So I am trying to see T as a guide, first, last, and always. Not a friend, not Mom, not around forever, but a guide. I don't know if this makes sense, but for me it lessened the worry of what she thinks of me. What is, is.

Peaches 100,

My husband was given up for adoption at birth. He spent the first six months of his life in an orphanage, where I believe he experienced very little holding and affection. I have read that many babies in this same situation actually died.

Like clay we are all formed by our first experiences as babies, and as young children. If we have been neglected or abused it makes forming a healthy self-image of ourselves particularly challenging.

When we open up and share our feelings with others, we make ourselves vulnerable. With vulnerability though can come healing. It is kind of like letting air to a wound that thas been bound up, and can only heal by getting air to it.

Good for you for being in therapy and all of the journaling you are doing. It is hard work, but I believe this investment in yourself and emotional well-being will pay big dividends in the future.

EJ

I also worry about what T thinks sometimes. Not so much of me, but of the things I'm saying. Sometimes the words "what do you think?" spill out and I get the dreaded "what I think doesn't matter". Although it's not exactly what I want to hear, it is also soothing and reassuring to hear him say that. It means that he is not judging me but accepting me as I am.

As for how long will I be in T, I'm not sure. Good luck getting getting them to commit to a time frame. Once T told me that I was "overdue" for therapy but also earlier this year when I was considering moving he told me that I shouldn't consider T as a factor for not moving. So a bit of a mix message there. I'm very screwed up in many ways, T knows that, I know that. He told me the same thing someone has mentioned here, that it took a long time to do the damage and many years of living with the defenses that the hurt created, so it will take a long time to heal.

I used to worry - after the fact - about stuff I've shared with various T's. My primary T and pdoc are pretty good about not reacting like I'm a freak. My pdoc's the head of a women's inpatient unit at a major psych hospital so I figure she's probably seen / heard everything possible. I still sometiems really worry about what my addictions dr. thinks, because she tends to react more visibly when I talk about things like cutting or suicide. I'm just outside of her comfort zone.

What finally got me over being concerned about what they thought of me, was when I came clean to my T and pdoc about how much I was drinking. That was really hard, but it was worth it.

--splitimage

YES!!!! I have written T things that...a year ago I would have never even allowed myself to even reflect on let alone share with someone.

I deal with this fear every time I write something. I wonder sometimes if she might call the police to have me committed or just say..."you need to leave."

Sometimes I wish my T would actually say something like this to me when I write something really (*&^ up and off the wall... Then at least I would know she is being open and honest with me.

This is *such* a good idea!

Even though I've been in therapy for several years (with the same T mind you) I still worry about the things I say to my T. Simple things like when I don't feel she's being responsive enough to my needs (in my head this feels childish) to larger things like the graphic conversations about the sexual and physical abuse I've been subjected to as an adult. Even though my T is pretty good at controlling her emotions I know in my heart they have to have an affect on her. I think because of my nurturing nature I will always care what others think, hopefully not to the degree I do now.
Angel

I also worry what T thinks (and the T HE is consulting). This happens especially when I divulge personal information like I have in the past month. It makes me feel SO vulnerable and I just want to push him away BUT I start feeling really needy. It's like I have to make sure that everything is okay. I've been needy since divulging the last bit of information and have asked him for an extra session during the week three times. The first two times were fine, but he was hesitant on the third time. He told me he doesn't want me to become dependent upon him. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I asked him if he would have a problem offering a second session to another patient who didn't have my issues. He said that he would not. I told him that it felt like I was being punished for who I am. I'm so frustrated. Yes, I worry that he and the consultant think I'm a big @#@#$ing loser. I think that, so why not project it upon them?

Why can't he just give me the extra session a week? I feel like I wasn't worth the time of day way back when and I feel the same now (in spite of what my intellectual brain says). My toddler emotions just don't get it. I'm hurt. I feel rejected. I feel like how I feel is not important. I know that the consultant has heard of what I told T, but she said that she wouldn't see me for the extra session. Now I'm terrified because I feel so vulnerable, I don't know if I can trust her.

T told me that I needed to redefine trust if my definition was that I can trust people who consistently are there for me when I need them. I guess I didn't get that, but can't get that now.

I know I rambled and apologize for that. Yes, I DO worry what my T thinks. He doesn't tell me exactly for that reason. How am I supposed to know how I feel or think? I don't even know if there's a me. So, I told him a lot of information and now wish I hadn't because he knows, the consultant knows, neither are willing to give me the extra session, and I feel sooo vulnerable I hate it. I told T I wanted to push him and everyone else away and just disintegrate.

There HAS to be a better solution to our issues than this. There HAS to be a better therapy model to address how we feel that hasn't been discovered yet. We ought to come up with one and market it, make a lot of money, and help tons of people at the same time.

Over and out . . .

wow, I don't understand this. It sounds like a reasonable definition of trust to me....

I never thought I would say this, but...yes; I sometimes worry about how my T might perceive me after I tell him something heavy and/or "odd."
Sometimes I can't read my T's body language when I tell him something that is distressing to me, which only makes me wonder more. He is very good at hiding his reactions so that I am not alarmed or made to feel as though I am weird or strange. Sometimes too, I misinterpret his body language to mean something it isn't. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so I tend towards "catastrophic" type thinking at times, assuming the worst of something when there is often no basis behind it.

Any way you look at it though, my T has almost thirty years in the "biz", so I am pretty damn sure he has seen and heard almost all of it. Your T probably isn't too much different in that regard unless she is naive or extremely inexperienced with diverse populations. I wouldn't worry too much; in my experience with my T the worry is usually unfounded. I've said and done some disturbing things, and my T doesn't think any less of me for it.

I worry about what my T thinks about me, sometimes. I try to stay grounded, though. What helps greatly is that I have some experience working with disordered children - I remember how it was. You don't see patients as your friends, or coworkers, or family, or neighbors, or whatever. It's a different relationship. You WORK with these people, your job is improving them, so you're happy when they're doing good, and you work hard not to feel like a failure when they're doing bad. It's like they're your work project, but at the same time they're also alive. You bond with them. I don't really worry what my T thinks about me, I said it wrong. I worry if she bonded, if she has accepted me as "her" project by now, or it hasn't happened yet. Does she see me as her patient, or as a random stranger. This is what I worry about. My previous therapist never bonded, but never refered me away either, it was so frustrating - why waste my time and money?! Why keep on if you're not willing to get involved? When I finally quit him, I saw such a relief on his face, but why the heck wait for the patient to initiate termination of therapy that you can't or don't want to provide to start with? This is just so immature, so irresponsible, so unprofessional, so plain silly. I've never encountered something like that before, so now I'm kinda worried about this new one I have. And she's super-professional-psychodynamic, never letting any personal thoughts/feelings/moods out, like a machine - it's a good thing, I guess, but sometimes I wonder, what if she feels about me the same way that other guy did? I don't want her to like me, all I want is for her to be involved, to care. Not about me as a person, about this project she's having...

I think most people worry about what their T thinks of them - when I told mine about the sexual abuse incident in my childhood I was sure he would turn around and look at me as if i had crawled out from under a rock - he didnt - his face didnt reveal anything - which of course then made me think oh great so he's thinking I crawled out from under a rock - or oh my god what a loony or why is she wasting my time!- I guess we all fill in the blanks for ourselves when we feel vulnerable - apart from my abuser he was the only one i had told so I was feeling pretty vulnerable - but i couldnt say that in case he said "dont be so stupid" not that he or any therapist would (I hope not!)

- it helps me to remind myself they are human like us and are dealing with what we say on a professional basis - but I still wonder what he thinks... P7