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#1
Dec 12, 2008, 05:42 PM
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im thinking about starting therapy again . . .part of me really doesnt want to. i dont know what to do.
sometimes i feel like i dont need it. what can someone else help me with, really? ive been down this road (unsuccessfully) so many times before. im not very good at saying things face-to-face. i always feel like im taking up the space of a more worthy client or that i dont belong in therapy at all. not even sure what im trying to accomplish. but this is not much of a life im living. but does it really take therapy to put me back on track? but i never change. i dont get better. do i just not try or do i not know what to do - i can never decide. but i do know that things arent changing for me right now solely through my own might. could have something to do with the fact that i am weak. i have a weak moral, ethical compass. if i didnt i would do more. i just dont like to admit it to myself. ******* so here's a slice of my life. tell me if you think it merits therapy: i rarely leave my house. its been a few days since ive showered. (lovely, i know - but honest) im still in the clothes ive been wearing for -how long?- which consists of a gown with a fleece sweater over it. i havent eaten since 6am. probably overdo it this evening. i forget to take my meds or i fight taking them, i suppose. i know i need them but my mind resists the idea. i guess i need them, right? maybe its the wrong thing to do - take the medication? i dont know. i have not been outside today. i cannot remember if i went outside yesterday. ive been having fleeting thoughts of how hopeless my life is. kinda like a mild panic inside "how can i go on like this" i feel like there is no way out of this. i know there is a way out - i feel like i will not take it and this will just be my life bc im too afraid to end it. and it would hurt too many people if i were gone and i dont really want to die but this sure isnt living. theres another way out and thats to get better but i have been to lazy to put in the work. i cant even begin to face things that twist me up inside usually (although i have voiced a few of them on here). how would i ever present them to a therapist? ive been this way sadly for the most part for years. i go months like this. its not a life. guess i answered my own question. those of you who can please support me in this. i could really use a sounding board as i only have my husband and he cant (and shouldnt ahve to) bear it all. thanks, clara |
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#2
Dec 12, 2008, 05:57 PM
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Hi Clara,
From what you've said I think you already have decided that therapy can help you - you've had therapy before and stopped? For me the hardest thing was making the appointment - the next was actually turning up! and saying things that I considered stupid and timewasting that I should just be able to handle on my own or get over was hard - yes I felt I was taking the space of someone who deserved help more than I did (never thought I deserved to be helped anyway) often thought Im wasting his time - and how do I say this or that when its so trivial against what happens to others - therapy is hard work for me - having said that - I'm not scared to go to shopping centres now - I have learnt techniques to deal with flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks and a whole raft of other things - its not an easy road but the end result is that we can live more of our lives instead of hiding away from the world (which is what I wanted to do) You say you are weak - but you were strong enough to come here - that is a brave thing to do - you are thinking of therapy - that is a brave thing to do - sometimes the road to recovery is one step forward three steps back but its still a road we can travel - take care and let us know how you go P7 
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 clara0clear0eyes
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#3
Dec 12, 2008, 06:14 PM
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Quote:
((clara)) I don't have much wisdom or advice to give you, but I will say that I am a complete therapy rookie right now and havent had anymore than 10 sessions, but I did have those exact same thoughts as you and still do. I hate talking face to face, I feel like my story is boring and not worth going to therapy for and that I am not deserving of any help because I know there are other who should be sitting in my spot every wednesday evening instead of me. Then I think, well maybe I don't need to go,maybe I am okay??? Maybe I can do this on my own. I dont need anyones help...that's my motto I have had for YEARS: "I don't need your help. I can do it myself!" "I have control of this" etc etc. But I have been trying and trying and even believed that I had it under control, but everything I have been trying doesn't seem to work...granted my "tryings" are really just poor coping skills that I always seem to think will fix everything and but in the end I know if i continue with them I will keep falling into the abyss I am desperately trying to get out of. I came to PC and everyone made me see that my problems are my problems...dont feel like you don't deserve help just like the next person, ok? A persons pain, struggles and experiences are all relative. Mine are different from yours and yours are different from susie sunshines(tho with a name like that, she's probably a happy camper  ). Don't go into T thinking that someone else deserves to be in your spot. If you aren't happy with the direction your life is going and you can't seem to get out of....whatever it is you are in (however you would describe it) I describe my as a lifelesstraveled(hence my name) then make the appointment and go.
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| clara0clear0eyes
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#4
Dec 12, 2008, 07:41 PM
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I didn't even have to read your slice of your life; what you said leading to that made me shake my head, yes, therapy can help that.
Some people take on many therapies in their lives. The well known therapist and author Irvin Yalom who wrote "The Gift of Therapy" as well as other books, entered into many therapies, and types of therapies. Therapy is a way to learn more about yourself, to grow and to have your life feel more comfortable. I think you clearly want that.
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| clara0clear0eyes
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#5
Dec 12, 2008, 08:22 PM
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phoenix7, lifelesstraveled and echoes,
its nice to hear that i am not alone in my concerns. validation is a hard thing to give ourselves or accept from others (atleast it is for me). and yet its also something that i desire, i suppose. i guess im afraid that the therapist wont like me. it doesnt matter whether she does or not i try to tell myself. but its not the truth. i want her to like me. i want her to think im a good person. but if i let her inside my mind how will i be able to maintain that nice and friendly facade? i hate being vulnerable. i hate having someone think, "geez - is that all there is? that's what you are worried about? or that's what you cant fix?" other times i think they'll see that im so sick and twisted and that all the ugliness inside of me will cancel out any possible good. im probably just neurotic anyway! but i thank you guys for responding. and Echo, it really made me stop and think, re-read what i wrote (as if i dont do that enough already) when you said you didnt even have to get down into it to find the answer to my question. thats an affirmation. you guys hang in there and if you need to talk i am here. sincerely, clara |
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#6
Dec 12, 2008, 09:26 PM
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oh gosh, have to add that I still worry about my therapist not liking me, being bored with me, imagining she is mad at me, etc. All lead to fear she will reject me. Still working on that after 1 year and 9 months. Takes time and that was hard for me.. to allow myself the time and the pace i need and want.
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| clara0clear0eyes
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#7
Dec 13, 2008, 11:36 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#8
Dec 13, 2008, 12:44 PM
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Hi Clara,
I think therapy would help you! For me, 2 years plus a few months and I am still dealing with doubts as well. My therapist hasn't kicked me out yet, although I am sometime tempted to kick him! LOL In all seriousness, I think it is a good idea for you because you are already reaching out and it seems that you are ready to talk about and explore what's keeping you stuck inside. We are our own worst enemies, aren't we? Good luck. 
__________________
 [/url] |
| clara0clear0eyes
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#9
Dec 13, 2008, 02:15 PM
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Quote:
Can your husband help you look and make the appointment? Significant others make for bad therapists, as that's a role a professional should play, but they can be good listeners most of the time! I'd say what needs to be accomplished is to figure out what's causing your depressed spell here. It's a worthy cause. Try to take things one step at a time and don't judge yourself too harshly by comparing yourself to others. Others are not in your shoes so they wouldn't know and it's not comparable. What kind of meds do you take? Do you see a psychiatrist regularly then? One step at a time.
__________________
--SIMCHA |
| clara0clear0eyes
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#10
Dec 13, 2008, 02:34 PM
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i get scared that if i let someone in and tell them what i feel and think and tell them about my life (the things i typically do, the pile of trash in my closet that i'm too lazy to take to the road, the dishes scattered about etc etc) that they will feel disgusted and repulsed by me. or perhaps indifferent to me. i feel quite disgusting and despicable much of the time... i can see things i could to that might perhaps alter the feeling. take out the trash. move dishes to dishwasher etc. but... i don't tend to do them very often. maybe because they are an outward expression of something going on inside... i'm not sure. i feel immoral much of the time. sometimes i see what the thing to do is (by my lights) but i don't do it. sometimes i'm too scared. other times i just kind of go numb and it doesn't get done. not sure if this is similar to what you are going through or not?
sometimes i feel quite depressed and hopeless. i can see some things that would help, but i can't bring myself to do them. sometimes i think... it is partly a function of not feeling adequately cared for by others. so... i never really learned how to adequately care for myself. i don't feel worthy of care. not others care, not my care. and i'll reference all those above things for why i'm not worthy... but... if a therapist cares about you (and you let them in a little and they care about you) then sometimes... it can help one start to care for oneself and feel worthy. so then you do the things you know will help... and they do help... and the spiral starts to spiral upwards and one feels better rather than the usual state of things spiraling down will little prospects for improvement. it matters whether they care. it matters a great deal. anyone who tells you that it doesn't matter is seeking therapy for very different reasons. there are a whole bunch of reasons why people seek therapy. there are a whole bunch of theories about what therapy is supposed to be and about how therapy is supposed to help. i'm a big believer in their caring being helpful. they don't tend to go on about that, however, because that is next to impossible to measure and it makes it sound like however many years of training is pointless / not worth much. it is hard to let someone in... it is hard to find a therapist who is on the same page with respect to what will be helpful for you. it is hard to find a therapist who you click with (someone who likes you and who will genuinely come to care!). but... it is possible. for everyone, i think. even me... |
| clara0clear0eyes
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#11
Dec 13, 2008, 09:38 PM
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its funny(not) that I could read you entry kim and ehcoes and feel that it was me talking - kim I often lok around my flat and am dusgusted at how I live - mtold T once told me about having to go to a clients house as she was agoraphobic and I was horrified - I said well you wil never come to mine - then felt that was harsh and explained why - the mess - and the despair it caused me - I couldnt have beared it if he had seen my place but he made a joke out of it and we got past it - it's just so hard somtimes to carryon breathing let alone do something - that's what I call myself weak and pathetic and unmotivated - T said I should talk to myself as if Im a friend because I am so much more understanding with other people than myself - but thats hard to do
letting someone in is dangerous - they can hurt you especially if you have 6ft fences and machine gun turrets around the inner you to protect you and you have learnt that if you let people in that all they will do - hurt and betray you - so therapy is hard for us (me) - but it is possible and it works - so we have to stick at it - the alternative is just too scary. P7 |
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#12
Dec 14, 2008, 04:23 AM
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Quote:
myself and later my mother. |
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#13
Dec 14, 2008, 02:06 PM
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When and how did you come to this conclusion?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#14
Dec 15, 2008, 03:02 AM
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i did read about the dishes and the trash - yes, i could see myself in that. no one and i mean no one comes to our house. its just my husband and me - I - never could get that grammar thing right. i have been trying at times.
i have suffered from agoraphobia (for lack of a better word) to some degree in the past. everywhere i go i feel like i am faking it. i might leave my house only a few times a month. if i drive into a parking lot it is the oddest thing for me - looking to not hit other people or cars, trying to get the vehicle in correctly because it doesnt come naturally to me bc i havent done it regularly enough. using a debit card - even this i am not good with. i make mistakes and i try to play them off like i'm absent-minded. one of the first times i ever put gas in my car in years and years - i didnt know what to do. all the technology had changed. i kept trying to figure out why the gas wouldnt come out. i looked at the picture of the lever and in my anxious state i had not interpreted it correctly. the cashier inside was looking at me like i was an idiot. finally i went inside and told him i was having trouble. "its on" he said. so i go back and finally figure it out. so simple, you'd think. i felt like a moron. things like that. being unsure how to do day-to-day transactions, not knowing my way around town, trying to remember all the traffic rules, "can i turn here - does that line mean two-way or one-way traffic?" and just moving about in a store like walmart - i am afraid that somehow people will see something odd in me, that i will make a faux paux and they will learn my secret. so many little things to know out there in the world. . . going to the therapist was the only time i really left the house. if i was going to run an errand i did it during that time. my poor husband does everything - grocery shopping,errands, etc. its not fair to him. but i get along okay. i didnt go in there and tell the therapist what a shut-in i was. maybe i should have. |
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#15
Dec 15, 2008, 03:54 AM
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i had my suspicions for quite awhile. i was a very spiritual kid. and i let that i go. my mother did not approve, i dont think. my mother and father have a very,very strong work ethic. they have succeeded at many things in life. they had hoped that i (and my siblings) would follow suit. i guess i first started letting myself down - well, i let myself down from a really young age. i was baptized in my church shortly before my 8th b-day. this was all my own doing. no one forced me into it. in fact, i was a little afraid to come to my mother and ask her (my spirituality had at times been a source of "entertainment" for my family). i knew no matter the outcome that God and i had entered into a covenant. but i did want to make it public as is the custom. But even in the midst of all this striving for goodness an evil existed within me that would not be stilled. i prayed and cried and repented relentlessly but i would not stop committing the same sins over and over. alot of it was sexual in nature. this caused me great pain and overshadowed the good i tried to do. so, i knew very early on i had these moral shortcomings. my mother started to believe in my moral shortcomings in my late high school years. i was unhappy - becoming depressed. this was not acceptable. my depression got in the way of my "societal duties". i might have a nervous breakdown but by god, the neighbors were going to think well of us. my brother and i were supposed to uphold the family name in all that we did but it didnt work. we were left alone. all the time while my folks were out of town with our little sister. we were kids. we turned to anger and depression and alcohol. by then i had given up any semblance of spirituality and was a depressed closet heavy-drinker. (but i had remained chaste if you dont count grown man creeps i had no control over groping me in elementary and junior high) -but that was all about to change the summer after graduation i was assaulted by a 36 yr old man from my town. my mother blamed me. i had to live with it alone - what would people think? then it was off to college. the depression had only worsened with all the goings-on. my mother would barely look at me if i came home, so disgusted. my father would get in bed with me - i just wanted my mom to hug me. i fell apart at college and knew i couldnt call them. i made an attempt on my life. i wound up in the hospital for several days. my folks would not make the 45min drive to come see me or take me into their care. they would not release me unto my own recognizance. i became a temporary ward of the state. lots of other fun stuff over the next year. i wound up living in a half-way house. just lots of stuff. while in the hospital they orchestrated a meeting between my mom and i. i dunno - it hit me really hard at the time- where my life had gotten to - i sobbed through a good deal of it. my mom just stared at me. afterwards is when they said that my mother was "emotionally unavailable" and that i would have to look other places for support. (they were trying to find a support system for me when i got out) so off to the half-way house instead. eventually i wound up moving 500 miles away and didnt really talk to them for years. i tried to go over the stuff that had bothered me from our past one time about 3 years ago and it didnt go so hot. if she was just incapable of love that would be one thing, i could accept that but she heaps it on my sister, adores her - and thats okay (i just want her to love me, too) but instead when i asked her she said that she was sorry that she loved my sister more than me but that she just couldnt help it. "what do you want me to do, clara?" not good. not at the time.but im pretty much over it now. but i am pleased to say that we have a such a better relationship now. i never stopped loving her. it just hurt, ya know? we talk every week or so. i just had to let it all go. we just dont revisit the past. oh, and the guy went on to assault other women - he went to prison a year or so after what happened with me. he just got out awhile back. i found him on a sex offenders site. but i do have to fix this broken morality of mine and my poor work habits. |
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#16
Dec 15, 2008, 04:01 AM
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kim,
thank you for your words, for your honesty. its nice to know that someone else struggles with the same things i do even though we have all the reasons in the world to build a life . . .sometimes we just . . .dont. but again, im with you - that has got to change! |
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#17
Dec 15, 2008, 10:59 AM
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Clara you are not immoral!
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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