[phoenix7]

Simple question with a not so simple answer...

Sometimes I think that talking in Therapy stirs the problem up - maybe you have to get through that to get to the other side - I have seen that - im sorry this may get confusing as I avoid the issue LOL ok lets just say it...... or not

side issue - how come i can speak up for others and turn into a big wet dishrag when it comes to me ? 2 times today I got somthing wrong at the shops and didnt say - "hey thats not right i wanted -......." I can speak, I did know the thing they gave me was not what i wanted/wrong, but i just said thanks and took it - its no big deal but I dont understand it......

Ok Ive put the trigger warning up so I will be blunt.. or as blunt as I can be - hmmm rambling and avoiding the issue again! simple question just ask for crying out loud!

Alright, so if you have lets say self destructive thoughts that you are controlling - discussing them in therapy may bring them out? AAARRRGGGGHHHH ! that the best i can do - so do you discuss it or not? let sleeping dogs lie - ignore it and it wil go away - yeah like that works! I'm just worrying that talking about this will make it harder to deal with when it is already hard to deal with - i know I probably should talk to T on mon about this but dont want to make it worse to a stage where it becomes even more difficult to control..... Im using distraction techniques to deal with it at the moment but talking about it...... dont know if my distraction techs will still work after that - guess im just scared thats all. sorry for such a long post

I guess i'll keep asking the question till i get the answer i want - so here it is ;
A: forget about it and it will go away

[deliquesce]

((((P7))))

you silly girl... i'm glad you got that question out eventually!!

how do you fear the discussing the thoughts might bring them out? you mean, get you to act on them? kind of like - if i tell T then i will want to do it even more because i've been thinking and talking about it? or because T will respond in a way that makes me need to do that? or...?

can i be really blunt and ask for clarification here? are we talking self harm or suicide? i want to keep you safe.

[phoenix7]

oooh you so didnt read the answer.. it was a) forget about it and it will go away LOL

(Quote deliquese

how do you fear the discussing the thoughts might bring them out? you mean, get you to act on them? kind of like - if i tell T then i will want to do it even more because i've been thinking and talking about it?

yep thats it, I distract myself, if i try to deal with it i am afraid it will bring the feelings closer to the surface not back in the dark where i keep them hidden

can i be really blunt and ask for clarification here? are we talking self harm or suicide? i want to keep you safe.

although i have done the first one to ground myself and take a step back from the second one - the thing i am talking about it would be the second one - grrr see i cant even write about it let alone talk about it! - and that part of me is NOT in control at the moment so I am safe. I remind myself of the reasons I need to stay around and the harm it would do - I have my happy box with things in to remind me of this - so i dont know why the thoughts keep returning - i want them gone - but I dont know what to do - whether they will just fade in time or not.. - P7

[deliquesce]

oh honey .

i think you edited while i was posting - i didn't see your answer, but nice try!

you are being brave, brave, brave by being open about it here with us. i understand your fear, but a therapist is trained to deal with that also, and can help you. my pdoc - when i talk to him about "the second one" - he helps to contain it. sometimes, if he is worried that i might act on it because of what we have spoken about - he will ask me to promise that i will call him if they get too much to bear, and that he will keep me safe afterwards. he has promised me he won't put me in hospital (something i am afraid of) so i know i can call him without fear.

but most of the time, just the act of talking about it, helps me get rid of those thoughts. and also, when someone talks with you about them - they might have a perspective that will help you fight them in the future. they might point out things that you havent seen yet, and that can help drive them away.

i would encourage you to talk to your T about it on monday, sweetie. if you need extra support after talking about it, to help keep you safe, then we have services here in australia that can help with that. your T will be able to link you up to some of them. if you need someone before monday, you can give lifeline a call? i used to volunteer for them and they are very caring people. or pm me anytime, i'm happy to chat also.

xo deli

[kim_johnson]

for me... i think i find it like remembering traumatic stuff. that is to say... that i have to go really slowly and test the waters. not so much with respect to my therapists response (any more) but more with respect to how i'm going to hold up until i see t again.

so... just mention just a little bit... then usually you get some kind of empathetic response. then ease off / talk about something else. and then... see how i go through the week... it does tend to stir things up a little, yes. hard to know... i think the week goes a little worse for it. but then my weeks are usually pretty hard anyway so hard to know. maybe it isn't exactly worse but rather it is different. yeah i think about it during the week after i've talked about it. but know what? i'd think about it during the week after even if i didn't talk about it. but mentioning it a little. have the memory of t being there with me through it. can call that to mind during the week and it helps me some. others experience might be different, though. i don't know.

[dalila]

Oh yes P7 let's all ignore the elephant in the room and it will disappear. My T talks about the chocolate cake that we are not gonna eat even though we can smell it and see it... Are you truly safe? Can you call your therapist? Cos this is as close to an emergency as it gets.

Can you play it out in your mind? See it step by step and see the results, not only the chance of immediate release but what it would do to those who care about you? One thing that helped me was considering how many ways it could go wrong... I do not want to become a vegetable or trapped in my body unable to communicate, I may be limited in how far and long I can walk now but I would rather not be confined to a wheelchair or bed. I doubt that you want that either.

Be kind to yourself.

[phoenix7]

Ok I will talk to my T monday, I will try not to be the biggest chicken in the universe!!! (definately NOT brave deli , not about this anyway) - can barely get the words out here - dont think i would be any good on the phone with a helpline but thankyou

thanks Kim I will do as you suggested and test the waters and take it from there. I am sorry you are having a bad time of it

Dalila - what elephant? I see no elephant ?thats just my aunt in a grey suit LOL hmmm or it could be me ha ha

Some of the patients i have looked after have been ... well lets say they tried and failed but survived - no i dont want to end up like that and I wouldnt - I can't call my T there are no calls inbetween sessions - there is an emergency line that would be the T on duty but not my T, and ... this is not an emergency - I am in control - I can still think of the damage it would cause to others - the dangerous time for me is when I no longer think about that - this is not that time - I am in control - but i thankyou for your concern

[pegasus]

(((((((((((((( phoenix ))))))))))))))))))

Yes it would be good to discuss this with your T. You will feel yucky and it will stir things up, but then therapy is yucky at times. Your T will know how yucky this feels for you but he/she will be glad you could share. Progress!

[ECHOES]

hmmm.
DOES it go away?

When I reached the point a couple of months ago when I "knew" the effect it would have on the people around me, but the pull of it was stronger than knowing that effect - it really scared me and I did talk to T. I really let it go on too long before opening the conversation with him, it was a huge mistake and it was hard to come back from.

On the other hand, I have talked to T about those thoughts before they reached that point at times in the past, and it actually really helped. He didn't freak out or get angry or call 911 or anything. He just calmly listened and asked questions and helped me get to the bottom of why I was feeling that way. And just that - being heard - diffused them enough that I was able to kind of crawl out of the hole.

The time I DIDN'T talk (as I mentioned in the first paragraph) it was a big mistake. I ended up really scaring me and T, and almost ended up in the hospital. I hated that I made T feel scared, and I hated how close to the edge I was.

I think talking on Monday is a good idea. A GREAT idea. And until then, we can listen....but if you start to feel really unsafe, I hope you will call the T on call. That's why they are there...and I want you to be able to look back on this and think "whew, that sucked, but I'm glad I'm STILL HERE"

[Sannah]

P7, I'm glad that you are going to talk to T about this.

About your side issue. Sounds like something is holding you back from standing up for your own needs (thoughts/beliefs that you formed as a child about your needs)?

[SpottedOwl]

((((P7))))

My T gave me an article on Shame last year that I still think about. One of the examples the authors gave of 'shame in our lives', is not speaking up when we get incorrect change at the counter.

Why not speak up for what is rightfully ours? Because we don't want to draw attention to ourselves, because we don't feel like we deserve it, because we learned from our childhood that speaking up might have consequences...

You ABSOLUTELY deserve to be heard and comforted and supported and loved.

I think the 'secondary issue' of not speaking up at the store might be linked to what is happening with T. Perhaps it would be easier to talk with T about what happened at the store, and why you did not speak up?

Not sure if this helps. Be safe and kind to yourself P7.

[phoenix7]

Pegasus, I am trying to remain strong but i dont know if i am strong enough to talk about this with T - there is still the fact that she might tell my work T about this - but i suppose he knew in the beginning that I had these thoughts - I just dont want him to know now - and yes its probably linked to shame, the old I should be better by now - I KNOW it takes TIME grrrr hate that word!

ECHOES, no it doesnt go away, it just gets stronger or weaker at times - but i so want the easy answer the a) ignore it and it will go away - but it hasnt has it - the elephants still in the room dalila Maybe T can train it!

Earthmama, I agree with what you wrote thats why i was thinking of telling T - the times when I didnt care about anyone else - I know they were the dangerous times - my first real T helped me there and the other times i have managed to come back on my own - but there is a sense that i may not always be able to do that and that is why i am thinking... going ? to talk to T about it - its difficult and im afraid and maybe a bit ashamed that I am not coping - that i still have these thoughts ....

thanks spotted owl - i think you and Sannah have identified the issue correctly - and I can talk to my T about this.

I see my T at 10am tomorrow - 22 hours to go! I will try to remain strong and talk to T about it and not turn back into the biggest chicken in the Universe - thankyou for listening P7

[MissCharlotte]

PHoenix,

You are right. Talking about these destructive thoughts DOES bring them out into the open. It also seems to make them worse--I think because they are no longer hidden. T tells me it's important to shine a light on this stuff, and I agree.

I suffered a lot of abuse as a child and it was ignored by my family and myself. It worked for a long time because as a young adult I cut off my childhood and was able to be very successful. However, eventually it all came back to haunt me--in many ways. So my experience tells me that ignoring something does not make it go away.

(((((phoenix))))

take care.

:heart

[deliquesce]

P7... your option tomorrow is to either go and spill everything, or cluck like a chicken for 45mins, ok?

if your T is a psychologist or a psychiatrist (i'm not sure about counsellors) then they aren't allowed to spill to your work T unless they have your permission or believe you are in immediate danger. i would remind your T of that, if that is something you are worried about. tell them that you have no intent of acting on these thoughts, but you do need to talk about them in order for them to go away. at my old work place (hospital) they used to take client confidentiality so seriously - they wouldn't talk to another care provider unless the patient had signed a form allowing them to do so. so i think it is something your T needs to take seriously, and if they still 'threaten' you with that, then i think that's a discussion that needs to be had?

or, of course, you can cluck like a chicken. and hide behind the elephant.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

P7... your option tomorrow is to either go and spill everything, or cluck like a chicken for 45mins, ok?

I'd love to see her face if i did that - oooh she would so get me the hugme jacket!

or, of course, you can cluck like a chicken. and hide behind the elephant.

I dont think an elephant would fit in her office, I will mention the client confidentiality thing - or wear my chicken outfit LOL - thanks you made me smile - maybe we can both get through this

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

Simple question with a not so simple answer...

thoughts that you are controlling - discussing them in therapy may bring them out? ... let sleeping dogs lie - ignore it and it wil go away -

dear P7, sleeping dogs have a way of biting when they awaken. Please tell T what is in your thoughts. Please?

((((((((( p7 )))))))))

[deliquesce]

i will be thinking of you tomorrow sweetie and sending all good, courageous, safe vibes your way. what time is your appt?

[phoenix7]

Had my appointment this morning - am so tired feel like ive run a marathon - and Well I couldnt find my chicken suit so I mentioned the suicide thing - see theres progress i can write the word - maybe i can say it next! I said i was havng very negative thoughts but was not in danger of harm to self or others - so that was ok - she was good with that - so theres another thing i was worried aobut that didnt happen. I guess at times (most of the time LOL) i am my own worst enemy when I should be my friend!

T thinks if I can fill my life with things I enjoy then the thoughts will subside - I have a plan for a day out where i am to go and have a peaceful day out - Im going to go to the aquarium - its lovely there they have a huge viewing gallery where you can sit and listen to music and watch the fish - cant go till i get paid in a couple of weeks but thats ok - i will give it a try.

Didnt mention the thing about talking to my work T - I dont think she would without my permission so thats ok - i just get scared sometimes.... well lets face it... a lot LOL

SO i gues i did ok - i mentioned it and that was HUGE for me - I'm still here - I didnt go up in a puff of smoke and I havnt done anything stupid - we didnt talk much about the feelings which is good because i dont think i could have - i sort of clammed up at one stage it was hard work getting any words out at all started stuttering LOL but got back in control - im still feeling FINE (Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic and everything in my life is screwed LOL) well maybe im FIN and thankfully T has manged to turn back on the light at the end of the tunnel for now and thats enough - thank you all for your support and advice - it meant/means a lot.

p.s., T mentioned this was my 19th session......hmmm signs that she has had enough of my insanity???? or just my insecurity kicking in again LOL

((((((((((((((((((P7))))))))))))))))))))))

Awesome! You did it!!!!!! And lived to tell the tale

Seriously, that is so good. And hearing that the light is back on at the end of the tunnel made me

Whew! I'm relieved FOR you!

[phoenix7]

thanks Earthmama, im relieved for me too

[SpottedOwl]

((((P7))))

Excellent work! I know how exhausting those sessions can be, so relax knowing you earned it.

T thinks if I can fill my life with things I enjoy then the thoughts will subside - I have a plan for a day out where i am to go and have a peaceful day out - Im going to go to the aquarium - its lovely there they have a huge viewing gallery where you can sit and listen to music and watch the fish - cant go till i get paid in a couple of weeks but thats ok - i will give it a try.

Going to the aquarium sounds lovely - you'll have to let us know how it is. It is good to plan those bigger trips, but don't let money or lack thereof stop you from looking for things you enjoy in your every day life.

One really powerful exercise is to sit each night and write out gratitudes for the day. Things you are grateful for -- no matter how small. Just taking the time to focus on the good aspects of life helps to balance the challenging ones.

And...I don't know why...but I thought of getting a goldfish? Since you like fish, maybe bring part of the aquarium home.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

((((P7))))

One really powerful exercise is to sit each night and write out gratitudes for the day. Things you are grateful for -- no matter how small. Just taking the time to focus on the good aspects of life helps to balance the challenging ones.

I bought myself a gratitude diary but often forget to write in it - must try harder!

And...I don't know why...but I thought of getting a goldfish? Since you like fish, maybe bring part of the aquarium home.

had fish for years - last goldies were over 10 years old when I found them a new home - I gave them away last time I was.....hmm lets say..... making sure things would be ok if i werent around they went to a good home i made sure of it - I have one of those pretend fish things in a glass tube - may get that out of the cupboard - that'll drive my cats crazy take care P7

[deliquesce]

argh! i wish had the internet at work so i could've checked up on you earlier. SO RELIEVED to hear that it went well. what a big step forward - go you!!