[MissCharlotte]

I had a decent session back today---no fights, no ruptures. I feel really sad and somehow I am translating this as if I need a break from therapy. I can't seem to hit a stride where I feel even a little bit good coming out of there. I always leave feeling bad about myself, or overwhelmed or like I did something wrong. As I integrate those part of myself that I split off years ago I feel worse. I am beginning to think that being unintegrated was a better place for me. I have no confidence anymore and my sense of who I am is full of holes. I can see through myself. Maybe I need a break.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Miss C)))))))))))))))))))))))))

That's a hard place to be.

What if you stop a little early and talk about the fact that you feel like you did something wrong?? Maybe you could get some reassurance and leave feeling a little better. That was probably one of the best things I did for myself in therapy. It saved me from a lot of bad thoughts when I left.

The thoughts that you did something wrong are almost certainly "old stuff"- all of those messages from childhood that needs aren't okay, that we didn't matter, that we couldn't do anything right. It's hard to separate that from what is happening NOW sometimes.

((((((((((((((((((((Miss C))))))))))))))))))))))) Sending many, many big safe hugs to you.

[hangingon]

Wow Miss C, I can so relate. I always feel like I am doing or did something wrong. I have no idea where that comes from but I sure wish I did.

Have you ever talked with your T about those feelings? I have been thinking about doing that with mine.

Hangingon

[chaotic13]

(((Miss C)))
I hate having those feeling after T; like I am out of synch and inconsolable.

I hope your next session goes better. I could be you just need to get back on schedule.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( MissCharlotte ))))))))))))))))
That is a very hard emotion to feel, I used to feel that way after every appointment and occasionally I still feel like just giving up and that it was better before therapy. Maybe talking to your T would help this situation, I am sending you many hugs.

[Flowerb]

Sometimes therapy itself reminds me how alone in the world I am...and have always been. Sitting with my therapist feels right, even though it is very painful to let out all those old ghosts. But then I have to leave, to reenter a life that has no one that listens like he does and no one who knows the whole of what happen to me. So I leave feeling sad. Sometimes I wonder if the "after" is worth it.

I think figuring out what I've avoided feeling all these years has knocked me off center and I'm not yet sure it is better than being numb. My therapist tells me he is holding the hope right now - the hope for true healing and inner peace.

So perhaps you should also hold onto that hope and not stop half-way. I'm not sure that taking a break won't simply prolong the hard part. Have you ever asked your therapist how he feels when you leave? Does he feel progress?

I never know the answer to this - is taking a break avoiding the hard stuff or self-care? And how do we know?

[coconut64]

Therapy is really hard for me too rigth now. A part of me thinks I would be better off without this pain. Why do I have to feel my feelings anyway. I've done without them for so long and I've survived. I'm not sure it is really good to dwell in all this pain. I hate it now and I don't think I'm strong enough to do this. I want to quit too.

[SpottedOwl]

((((MissC))))

It is profoundly sad that you had to hide away parts of yourself to survive. You are a beautiful soul who deserves to shine -- every single bit of you. Let yourself grieve this loss.

I don't think feeling sad is at all 'wrong', it tells me you are healing. You have integrated enough of yourself that you are now able to feel this sadness. Cry, write a letter to your younger self, curl up with a loved one...whatever you need to let this sadness be heard.

Many, many hugs....and a shoulder if you need it.

[sunrise]

MissC I hope you will keep going to therapy. I think it will help.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I have no confidence anymore and my sense of who I am is full of holes. I can see through myself. Maybe I need a break.

I have been feeling recently that I don't even know who I am anymore. My sense of self is shot. That is one reason I am really looking forward to therapy tomorrow (my first session in some time). Because T knows who I am and will be able to remind me.

"A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it."

That's what I want tomorrow in therapy--T to sing my song to me.

Go to therapy, MissC. Ask T to sing your song.

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I had a decent session back today---no fights, no ruptures. I feel really sad and somehow I am translating this as if I need a break from therapy. I can't seem to hit a stride where I feel even a little bit good coming out of there. I always leave feeling bad about myself, or overwhelmed or like I did something wrong. As I integrate those part of myself that I split off years ago I feel worse. I am beginning to think that being unintegrated was a better place for me. I have no confidence anymore and my sense of who I am is full of holes. I can see through myself. Maybe I need a break.

Yes we have to feel worse before we can feel better...as my T always reminds me, that I am stronger now and more able to feel the feelings as awful as they feel....we have to know where we've been to find where we going too...you are not fall of holes as much as the false parts off you are dying and its the loss of those parts that served you well once but not any more that you are grieving...it is always darkest just before the dawn...if therapy were about hop skip and jumping I think it would be a very shallow affair?? Perhaps?

[MissCharlotte]

Wow,
Thanks guys. I should have combined these two threads (the one with dissociating in session). Clearly they are connected.

false parts off you are dying

Mouse, that's interesting and I think you may be onto something. Maybe I just don't know what to fill the holes with. I can't see it yet.

Because T knows who I am and will be able to remind me.

Sunny, I think my fear is that T has forgotten who I am, but maybe it's ME who has forgotten.

You have integrated enough of yourself that you are now able to feel this sadness.

Thanks Spotted--that makes some sense as well. Sigh.

I hate it now and I don't think I'm strong enough to do this.

Coconut, if I am going to continue then you must as well! We can do it.

Flowerb:

is taking a break avoiding the hard stuff or self-care?

Ummm, I think it's avoiding. I think I just need to slow down.

What if you stop a little early and talk about the fact that you feel like you did something wrong??

EM, yeah, this is good advice (stopping early). The "something wrong" theme is one that we have discussed many times...it's an old feeling I have been working through FOREVER. I'm ready to give it the heave ho but it won't leave.

I could be you just need to get back on schedule.

Chaotic, this is so true. I am like one of those little kids who doesn't do well with a break in routine. I need my structure and rhythm.

[chaotic13]

Miss C said:.. I think my fear is that T has forgotten who I am, but maybe it's ME who has forgotten.

Maybe neither of you has forgotten, maybe you are just morphing to a higher level. Maybe you just need to re-introduce yourself to your T and yourself. Part of therapy is changing our sense of identity. Returning the form to the formless and then recreating a new form.

[MissCharlotte]

Returning the form to the formless

I think that's it! Parts of me are missing. I am formless. I can't reintroduce right now because I'm not at that point yet. But T and I will have to accept the me with holes, just for right now.

It's excruciating. The pain is excruciating.

[phoenix7]

as others have said i think it would be good if you discussed this with your T - I go through stages of wishing i was still numb - but being alive is much better - even with the sadness and pain, much better than sleepwalking through life.

I think as we grow (hopefully) through therapy - we have sorrow at what has been and what was lost - part of us wants to hang onto the old pain because we know it and can bear it as opposed to what we dont know will happen in the future - there is often pain with progress - i wish it wasnt so - please discuss this with your T - you never know they may know a way to help P7

[MissCharlotte]

Just so you all know...I have and do discuss all these problems with T. I have quite an open relationship with him. So, it's not as if I am not discussing something with him. Today I had an extra phone session and it became clear that my depression is rearing its ugly head again. I have a call into pdoc about increasing my anti d. Right now I am on such a low dose that T says it's not even therapeutic....

I don't believe that I am deliberately hanging onto old pain. I do believe that we have to "feel our feelings" as T says. The trick right now, for me and my therapy, is to feel these feelings that I split off when I was a child and they were too difficult to bear. So, now I get to feel them, have them, bring them with me--gee thanks, and remind my why I'm in therapy again? Yeah and I also wish to transform them but I'm so not there yet either. Right now I am so confused that I believed for a moment that T left me in my childhood home. Yes, so I'm sharing my pain but have accepted that it's mine to carry. And I have to believe that there is light at the end of this damned tunnel.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I think that's it! Parts of me are missing. I am formless. I can't reintroduce right now because I'm not at that point yet. But T and I will have to accept the me with holes, just for right now.

Should we call you Poster Previously known as "MissCharlotte"?

I'm Sorry MissCharlotte!!! I am not trying to be flip about your situation. I know the pain, discomfort, confusion, and fear that comes with what feels like a total loss of identity. For me it leaves me with with no sense of control and as you know I am all about control. "The unknown can be very scary" A profound statement from my T.

[phoenix7]

its sad that you have to go through this twice -once when it happened and now again - I'm glad you have a good relationship with your T that really helps -

I have no words to help, I dont know how to stop the pain or i would - i guess we just have to go through it to get past it -

there is a light at the end of the tunnell - sometimes they just turn it way down low to save on the electricity bill LOL

Take care P7

[MissCharlotte]

Chaotic:

LOLOLOLOL



POSTER PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS MISS CHARLOTTE

(((((((((((MissCharlotte)))))))))))),
I know what you mean when you say you don't know how to fill the hole, or abyss as I call it. How do I know what is me and what isn't? Do I go with how I feel or what I think? Is what I think just a defense mechanism, intellectualization? OR is that me?

I think it is also so incredibly difficult to have feelings from the past in the present. It can be so confusing! It's difficult because not only are we trying to figure out why we feel the way we do, we also have to think in the present and try to act in the present. Ugh, all of this is so disorganizing.

LOLOLOL, Chaotic. In line with your idea Chaotic -- MissC, you should interview your therapist -- go in and introduce yourself and say that you haven't found yourself yet and you need his help. Remember when we were talking about holding an "American Idol"-like audition (didn't we call it American Idealized?) for people interviewing T's? I think we had a lot of good ideas but don't remember them. I think someone recommended asking your T to sing to you, so here's your chance, lol. I hope you start feeling better. Being on the cusp of depression can be so daunting.

Take care of yourself.

[MissCharlotte]

Yeah, okay. In order to figure out my identity, which song do you think I should sing to him?

Here are the choices:

1. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU (He may think I am Whitney Houston)
2. I AM CHANGING (He may think I am Jennifer Hudson)
3. I AM THE WALRUS
4. TAKE ME THE WAY I AM ( My new favorite artist, Ingrid Michaelson)

Okay roadies, who will arrange the karaoke machine?

[MINIME]

((hug)).......

Miss Charolette,
I don't know you very well, but I think what you are experiencing is a good sign. I know when things get rough, I just want to run and hide. Sometimes it is good to take a week off to escape therapy, as long as you go back, that is. It sounds like you are working hard, I bet your T is proud.

I like number one, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, lol. He can sing to you, on bended knee, while you sit in your throne chair. You can give him a microphone, but keep if off if he can't sing, I wouldn't want him to ruin his chance of being idealized Don't give up! Keep on trudging forward, and so shall I. Love ya'! Oh, for the second act, why not make him tap dance to your tune? We're waiting for you to post the video