[lifelesstraveled]

I don't know where to post this, but since T will be mentioned in here I figured I would just put it here.

I am sorry for whining but the guy I have been seeing just broke up with me. I won't get into the details, just that for someone who has done such a "great job" at suppressing my feeling for all these years, I didn't think it would hurt so much--it's bringing up soooo many emotions with him and past stuff and I hate it. I have been trying to ignore them and hold them in but they are building up so much that I am starting to feel myself shaking from the inside out. and have i resorted to doing something I told T I wouldn't do and I went a whole three weeks without it til now.

I dont feel like going to see T tomorrow. I have a massive headache I havent eaten or slept since sunday night. I feel like I got hit by a bus 1000 times. I have 8 hours to think about cancelling (i need to give 24 hour notice). I dont think I will be of any use sitting there on her couch and I dont want to take the chance of breaking down in front of her--if that happens i will probably end up running out and locking myself in the bathroom for the rest of the session...so to avoid complete embarrassment I'd rather not go at all.

I know you guys are going to advise that I go...but I dont want to....

I dont know. I just felt like whining. sorry. I dont expect a response.

(((((((((((((((((((LLT))))))))))))))))))))))

You have probably gone through a lot of hard things in your life on your own....this is your chance to have someone, a real person who cares about you, support you while you are suffering. It IS scary to go see T when we are feeling so vulnerable...but it can be so healing.

I have broken down in front of T...and I thought it would be embarrassing or scary...but it was really okay. He didn't get shocked or alarmed or scared and he didn't make it into the biggest deal in the world (like "wow! you're crying!")....he supported me, I got a lot of bad feelings out, and I actually left feeling a little bit better.

I hope you will let yourself go and see T tomorrow. You are sad and you deserve support. I'm so sorry your boyfriend broke up with you.

Originally Posted by earthmama

(((((((((((((((((((LLT))))))))))))))))))))))

You have probably gone through a lot of hard things in your life on your own....this is your chance to have someone, a real person who cares about you, support you while you are suffering. It IS scary to go see T when we are feeling so vulnerable...but it can be so healing.

I have broken down in front of T...and I thought it would be embarrassing or scary...but it was really okay. He didn't get shocked or alarmed or scared and he didn't make it into the biggest deal in the world (like "wow! you're crying!")....he supported me, I got a lot of bad feelings out, and I actually left feeling a little bit better.

I hope you will let yourself go and see T tomorrow. You are sad and you deserve support. I'm so sorry your boyfriend broke up with you.

I dont think I will be of any use sitting there on her couch

LLT, I asked my T about this a long time ago, that if I'm feeling physically terrible, and headachy, and don't feel like I have anything productive to offer, should I just cancel on those days. And she said no, that she would still like me to come in if I could. I think it might help your T to see you even when you're struggling, so she knows more about what you're really experiencing. As EM says so well above, there's a chance she might be able to support you while you're struggling, if you give her the chance.

On the other hand, I know exactly how awful it can feel to feel like you have no reserves left, and then be expected to give something more in therapy. So just do the best you can to get through it. Maybe if you can get some sleep tonight, it'll feel more manageable tomorrow? Take care.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

it's bringing up soooo many emotions with him and past stuff and I hate it. I have been trying to ignore them and hold them in but they are building up so much that I am starting to feel myself shaking from the inside out.

I dont feel like going to see T tomorrow. I dont think I will be of any use sitting there on her couch and

I dont want to take the chance of breaking down in front of her--if that happens i will probably end up running out and locking myself in the bathroom for the rest of the session...so to avoid complete embarrassment I'd rather not go at all.

So the thought of crying in front of T is what is holding you back?

Well, I'm not going to tell you to go. You probably should, but I think sometimes it's ok to take a break.

Wishing you the best.

[lifelesstraveled]

EM--thanks. i decided to go. im mainly going b/c i need to just be in safe space even if it's just for 50 minutes. i live with my parents. my mother who gets some sort of entertainment out of people's drama and pain. its the only time I am "interesting" to her and thats just so she can get the info she needs to start spreading the word. And a father who is so detached and always has been there is really no use in even wasting the energy--among other things.

just the whole being vulnerable thing. I havent exactly worked on that yet. I dont know if i can do it. I will probably end up going in there stone faced...hopefully. I'd prefer it over breaking down.

Notme---thank you for that. I never thought about how it would help for my T to see me as i am in the moment when something is happening with me. I go in there all the time "fake" pretending to be sally sunshine. I cant fake the funk on this one.

Sannah--I hate crying in front of people. I was always sent to my room for crying and told to come out when I've calmed down aka shut up. Its just natural for me to want to hide.

Roseleigh--thanks! i am going to go. I dont want to go, but T will be on vacation next week so i kind of dont want to miss two weeks. I am hoping she will give me some advice on how to get through this.

[peaches100]

Sometimes, when I have felt too "raw" to work on anything in therapy -- and way too vulnerable -- I have asked my t if we can just sit together quietly in the room for my session, or just do some relaxation exercises together. Could you do that?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

I go in there all the time "fake" pretending to be sally sunshine. I cant fake the funk on this one.

I hate crying in front of people. I was always sent to my room for crying and told to come out when I've calmed down aka shut up. Its just natural for me to want to hide.

i am going to go.

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Sometimes, when I have felt too "raw" to work on anything in therapy -- and way too vulnerable -- I have asked my t if we can just sit together quietly in the room for my session, or just do some relaxation exercises together. Could you do that?

I don't know if i have the guts to ask her...I might just tell her Im too foggy and too wiped out to really do too much and we may just need to keep it simple . I feel so stupid for getting upset like this over a stupid break up. I just need to pull myself together. I am so used to being with someone. I dont know what to do with myself. I should prob be on the relationship board whining about this. but im done now. sorry.

I'm glad you're going, LLT. Breaking up is a big deal, and no one expects you to just "pull yourself together". Of course you are sad, grieving, confused, angry, afraid, lonely (just guessing)....that's how anyone would feel.

Just go and do what you can with T.

[ECHOES]

I am really sorry for your heartache. Sometimes those emotions bust right through when they need to be seen and heard.
I hope you are finding ways to be kind and gentle with you.

Yes, I will say go to T. It's important to go no matter what. This is another way for T to get to know you.
The way I can do that at times like this is to go and say right off, I am here but I did not want to come today. Of course, I usually post here and say I don't want to go first...

[lifelesstraveled]

Just an Update. I will try and keep it brief

I went to T.

I was fumbling and dropping stuff before the appt even started...I wonder if T noticed. I felt out of it all day.

T noticed something was wrong about 30 seconds into the appointment. I tried to fake the funk, but couldn't. Per usual, she asked about my weekend. We always try make sure I have something to do. I told her I went out with my friend and it was fine (i usually elaborate). She looked at me and asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine. She said "you dont want to be here?" I told her no. I was going to cancel. She asked if it was my usual just not wanting to be there. I told her no. She asked if I was upset about something and I jsut sat there. So I told her and we talked about it and she was so nice and caring and very gentle with it. She kept pausing and eventually I asked why. She said she was trying to figure out (since I wasn't be very vocal) if we should continue with the topic.

We talked about my past relationships and I told her essentially I have never really been without someone. I have always jumped from one to another or was with people simultaneously. Maybe I am a serial dater or something. I dont know. She asked if i think this is a good time for me to begin to work on my life and heal. I told her no, I want my bf (well ex)....real mature. She asked about the emotions connected to this. She wanted to know if I felt any emotions (what does she think im some monster?? )I said yes. Of course but I am trying to contain them. She wants me to reach out and connect with someone. I told her I really don't have anyone IRL. My sis would be thrilled that we are not together, I cant go to my "friends" rarely see them, I would feel guilty calling them up to essentially cry on their shoulder. My parents are a big NO. I told her I will be fine. I can't be around ppl when Im like this. Im pissed and sad and feel huge guilt, fear, hatred for myself....Im a mess and I'd rather stay away from people. No one like LLT when she's upset. So I figured I will stay away until I can pull myself together. She said she felt bad that she will be out all next week. I told her not too feel bad. That I was fine. I dont think she believed me.

We ended the appt with her asking me. If it was possible, she would like it if I would reach out to someone. I told her no without hesitation and said I will be fine (my phrase of the night). She wanted to know what I was doing this weekend. i hate when she asks me. I told her I will let her know at the next appt. Right now I jsut want to be left alone.

Ugh I can't type anymore--plus this is getting disgustingly long. I took something to help me sleep. I think it's kicking in....good night everyone. sorry this is so long.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

I told her essentially I have never really been without someone. I have always jumped from one to another or was with people simultaneously.

She asked about the emotions connected to this. Of course but I am trying to contain them.

I can't be around ppl when Im like this. Im pissed and sad and feel huge guilt, fear, hatred for myself....

Im a mess and I'd rather stay away from people. I figured I will stay away until I can pull myself together.

Life, good work! Do you want to talk about those feelings up there ^.....

[peaches100]

Lifelesstraveled,

I'm really proud of you for being able to finally talk to your therapist about what was bothering you. I can understand so well that strong urge to avoid connection with others. Maybe you feel like nobody really cares anyway. Or that they just would not understand. Plus, if you've been hurt alot by others in life, you probably have strong emotional armor on to protect yourself from getting hurt again. I'm sure your t would like to see you reach out and bond with others. But you don't have to jump right into it. Just focus on taking little steps.

Also, please know that we on the board care about you. We are not bored with this thread. Please continue posting if it helps, and we'll keep on reading.

[chaotic13]

LLT, I hope your session goes well. Like you I really have a hard time allowing myself to be supported by others when I am feeling down. When I went through a really tough spell, I canceled my T appointment. I was really concerned about breaking down, and just couldn't allow it. I regret doing that. At some point I hope I can reach a point where I can allow myself to be supported by someone and just let stuff out instead of playing tough or just withdrawing.

If you can get yourself to go... go. If you can't...maybe there will be an next time.

[lifelesstraveled]

I had a whole entire reply here and lost it.... i hate when that happens...

Sannah....to keep it brief, all of those feelings are coming from how stupid I was to NOT listen to logic. instead I decided to chase ghosts (untouchable hopes, dreams and plans). Never again. A stupid mistake I will never make again.

Peaches. You're right. I do feel like no one really cares. No one ever has. So why bother?

Chaotic, it's sooo hard for me to let others support me. I hate admitting that i need help, I hate asking for it and accepting it, which is another reason why i have been contemplating just quitting therapy, but this is a topic that should be reserved for another thread.

thanks guys

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

all of those feelings are coming from how stupid I was to NOT listen to logic. instead I decided to chase ghosts (untouchable hopes, dreams and plans). Never again. A stupid mistake I will never make again.

I do feel like no one really cares. No one ever has. So why bother?

I hate admitting that i need help, I hate asking for it and accepting it,

What logic Life? Why are hopes and dreams untouchable?

I care!

Do you feel like you are defective or something if you need help?

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

I had a whole entire reply here and lost it.... i hate when that happens...

Sannah....to keep it brief, all of those feelings are coming from how stupid I was to NOT listen to logic. instead I decided to chase ghosts (untouchable hopes, dreams and plans). Never again. A stupid mistake I will never make again.

Peaches. You're right. I do feel like no one really cares. No one ever has. So why bother?

Chaotic, it's sooo hard for me to let others support me. I hate admitting that i need help, I hate asking for it and accepting it, which is another reason why i have been contemplating just quitting therapy, but this is a topic that should be reserved for another thread.

thanks guys

(((((((((((((LLT)))))))))))))))

I hate it when I lose a whole huge post!

I too, can relate to fears about asking for help and accepting it. For me, it relates directly to a fear of rejection...I have also been struggling with this sense of shame that feels overwhelming. Shame keeps me from asking for what I need too.

[lifelesstraveled]

Sannah--- i sent you a PM to answer your questions...no one wants to read my long drawn out story.

Searching--for me asking for help is not really a fear of rejection for me, but it might be part of it. I just feel sooooo small when I admit that i need help or when i might need to ask for it, which very RARE. It makes me feel weak-- like someone is getting ready to take advantage of me or something. So i usually "try" and figure things out on my own. Tell myself that im fine(like i did with T last night)...I'd rather suffer than ask for help.