T touched me ... it's not a good thing...

T touched me yesterday, despite the fact that I said “no” when she asked if it’s ok if she touches me. It kind of happened all at the same time, I said “no” with a speed of light, but her hand already was on my knee. She took it away very fast too, but… yucky yucky yucky feeling, every time I close my eyes the moment comes back and the yucky feeling and everything… All the people around me, all I do is look where their hands are and try to make sure they can’t reach me even by accident, I don’t even hear what a person says if he/she is close… it’s day 2 after it happened and I can’t get over it. It’s a surprise I didn’t jump up and hit her then… I just turned my back to her and left as soon as I could. Few weeks ago I had a dream about T, it was about her hurting me, and I woke up with some terrible feelings. I thought, blah, this could never happen, and now it’s the exact same feeling… I was warned but I didn’t listen, right? This just makes things worse. I wrote her an email, really childish one, said I’m sorry I couldn’t talk and be normal during the appt and promised I’ll be good and polite and normal and won’t talk nonsense, just please don’t touch me. It felt like a punishment… I wish I hadn’t done that. Her response basically proves that she is going to use things she knows about me to hurt me in the future too. My brain knows it’s not true, it’s not what she meant, but I’m so disconnected from my brain now, I just don’t care about the logic and the reasonable explanations, I just scream and panic somewhere deep inside and that’s it.

No hugs, please, I can't handle it...

Im sorry that happened to you - you have every right to be upset if being touched - even in a supportive way, hurts you - maybe your T didnt know that? if so then I am sure she will not do that again - can you talk to her -email is one thing - but a call could help?

I know you are feeling bad at the moment - can you ground yourself? put your hands in ice, go for a walk, play with a pet if you nhave one , cal someone and talk aobut this or somthing else to take your mind off it -

take some deep breaths and take care of yourself ok - P7

Hi 3velniai,

It's so confusing when we are completely in the feeling state or completely in the intellectual state and it sounds like you are feeling a lot right now. I am sorry the touching incident happened, and I think it's a good idea that you wrote the note to T. Keep communicating with her if you can, and try to talk about this at your next session.

I wish you the best. Be good to yourself. Sending you good vibes and energy!

I use to explain to my T how "hearing" what she had to say was like being shot with arrows/shocked with electricity? It was so painful! It took me so long to be able to tolerate talking to her/that closeness. I saw her for 9 years (1978-1987) and then another 9 years (1996-2005) and consider the 9 years "in-between" as therapy too! So, it took me almost 30 years to heal!

Get that logic/head back in there working for you! I found it invaluable.

Perna - do you ever have contact with your therapist now that you are both retired? I have been seeing my therapist for about 17 years now and she is the absolute best!! I have learned so much about myself and continue to grow with her support...For me touch with her is not an issue - she hugs me and puts her arm around me - she always asks if it is ok before doing it. Touch with other people now that is an issue...

3velnia, I'm sorry your T acted before she got your approval. Maybe she was just responding and just wanted to support your. Is is possible for you to just see her response as maybe an accident with good intentions behind it. We've all done things that we thought would be helpful to others but accidently did more harm than good.

I'm sure if you tell your T how her actions confused and scared you... she will not do it again. Based on what your've posted whe was trying to be helpful and made a mistake. Can you give her a second chance?

Ok, I need an action plan I guess. I love action plans.
1) communication. No no to phone calls, I hate those, maybe another email after a few days, idk. I wanted to send one more email to T yesterday, but it would have been another childish ramble, this time an angry and ugly one, so I didn't.
2) to put the logical side of me back to work. Writing down this little stupid action plan actually helps a little bit. Doing some work stuff would help too i guess;
3) calm down the little part, who is panicking. No ideas how to do that other than to shout at it and ignore it. Blah...
4) To go the next appt. Even this thought puts me in dark ugly place, ugh...
My head hurts, I can't think clearly...

Hello 3velniai,
I would simply say something to your therapist about the touching thing. I actually find it odd that she did this, as most aren't really very touchy-feely. But I bet if you just say "I know you are trying to be understanding through touch, but it makes me uncomfortable so I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that. Just listen to me and let me know you are listening".
Don't send any more emails. Write down what you are feeling and maybe read it to her in your next session, but don't write anything that you might regret.
If this keeps going on and you still aren't comfortable, get a new T. You have every right to do this if you feel you aren't getting anywhere with her.

3 - rahter than shout and ignore which will only make her cry louder for attention - tel her that you will try to keep her safe - that you will let T know that you dont like to be touched and that T will be ok with that - maybe hold off on contact with T til you feel you're in control or your next appointment - take care (making an action plan is a good idea - restores some calm)

I told her I hate when ppl touch me when it happened, and later she promised she won't do it again unless I ask her to (in the email, so I have it in writing like a contract, lol). This thing is clear I hope. It's all the other things in her email that feel like a threat, her saying that she won't touch me, but hey it's good to have such a discipline tool and similar. she wrote that it's a joke. It's soooo not funny, grrrr...

Wait....I am probably reading this wrong, but was T joking about using hitting as a discipline tool?!?!?!?!?

As for how you are handling it, I love how you are making a list and letting the logical part of you help you. And as for the young scared part, I agree with P7....maybe gently letting that part know that you CAN and WILL keep her safe. The steps you are taking - telling T how her touch made you feel, making your action plan - show that you will make sure she is safe...

Hang in there....

holy hell?! what on EARTH is this T thinking, to make a stupid joke like that?

you are there to be HELPED, not to be DISCIPLINED. i know it was "only" a joke, but after something as serious as the breach she did earlier (touching you without consent), then you would think she would be doing everything right now to create a safe space again. grrr.

i think you are being so awesome using your logical side to make lists and stuff of things to do. very clever and resourceful . i hope your T's joke was the result of her being confused and panicking, rather than something she would think was a good idea if she was in her right frame of professional mind.

(((Safe hug))) I'm sorry your T has put you into this spin. You have every right to be angry at her, but generally such anger only hurts you.

You DO need to discuss this with her. She DOES need to realize that she isn't validating your feelings and fears by having this attitude.

She sounds a bit inexperienced, to me. I hope you have strength to educate her, and that she learns quickly and well. Then not only will you have assurance that she won't enter your personal space, but other patients in the future will be safe also.

I totally agree with sky_ .

I liked others ideas for calming the young part of you. I sometimes do this by drawing pictures of my older ego states protecting the younger one. One image in particular showed the smaller ego state curled up in the corner while an older one was removing a limp skeleten from the closet. It had the skeleten by the neck suggesting that it was no match for the older state and there was nothing to fear. .

Also, when I was dealing with fears that my T could some how hurt me. I just kept reminding myself that... "I could easily take her down.". It sounds stupid, but... It worked. Telling myself that she couldn't really harm me even if she wanted to helped.

Hi 3...the only thing I can think of is either she didn't know...or she thought you were at a place in your therapy that it would further your progress. That definitely doesn't excuse the incident and she should have waited for a response before she acted. Those boundaries need to be clear and I think making an action plan sounds like a great idea. Give yourself a little time...don't overwhelm yourself. Maybe think of a couple things or ways that she seems to be helping you with and a couple things or ways that you are not comfortable with. Safe zone...unsafe zone. Just a thought. I am wondering if you have been with her long and if up until this you feel like she has been helping you any or if you have been comfortable with her. It's really hard to make any progress if you don't feel comfortable. Whatever you do...take care of you:-)

I agree with the idea that your T may think that you are in a different place in therapy than what you really feel. And unfortunately, your T won't know how you feel about it unless you tell her.

I really am surprised that she tried to make light of the situation. But then again, I can't tell whether or not she did/said what she did because she felt that you would be ok with it.

I hope you are able to work it out with your T and get back to a safe place.....