Younger men

A man of 30 is an older man to a 20 year old woman, but a younger man to a 40 year old woman.
I respect everyones right to voice and have their own opinion. I would never be upset with anyones preferences. What does upset me is the narrow mindedness of categorizing and excluding someone based on an age number before knowing anything about that person as a individual. My brother married a woman 14 years younger than himself, and yes, when he first asked her out he was persistent in doing so. (Younger men do this too). Her attitude was much the same that is represented in parts of this thread. Now, after 15 years of marriage she is very thankful that he was persistent, and I am very thankful to have a wonderful niece and nephew because of it. Love conquers all things. Except a closed mind. jmo I will say no more.
Shangrala, I'm glad for you, that you looked beyond the numbers to find your happiness.

Marjan, I don't mind you asking whatsoever.

I'm a healty, youthful and overly curious 50-year old.

Happy and grateful for finding the one person I've sought for most of my life...My soulmate, who just happens to be 28 years old, (and who is only 3 years older than my oldest son).

This age difference does raise lots of brows, (mostly by other women...lol), but chances are those are the very same brows that frown upon alot of other persons behaviors which they do not "approve" of.
I'm happier now than I've ever been my entire life, as is my love...and THAT is what matters to the both of us.

To each their own. If Happiness works for someone, let it be.

I began the thread just curious to learn how many other's share the outlook that I have regarding the concept of older/younger, that's about all. I welcome and encourage the acceptance of what has seemed to be a misconception of what is "allowed".

What really IS allowed, anyway?
What we limit for our own selves, (without passing judgement upon another).
Isn't that how is shoud be, after all?

Your opinions matter, and are as equally welcomed and respected as any other. You conduct yourself with respect for all concerned, which is all we hope to receive, (especially on a support site, such as this).

I don't think it's that some are upset because you, or anyone else has expressed your personal opinion regarding your age preference of who you involve in your relationship.
I feel it is HOW some replies had exceeded being a personal opinion and more along the line of an abrasive statement toward a characteristic of another, which naturally, some will receive as offensive.

Thanks for your replies. I do appreciate your insight.

Shangrala

I've been serious about a man 20 years older than myself and guess it would depend on what a woman was looking for. I was the youngest of 5 children, and my sister is 13 years older than I am so I grew up with my parents and older sister's values so know and like the music of that era, etc. It's been interesting to me now; my husband is only 7 years older than I am but I had more "in common" with his father than with him :-) His father, however, dated women 25-30 years younger than he was; when he turned 80 we were going to give him a big party at him membership club but he forbade us, saying he didn't want his girlfriends to know how old he was! LOL. He loved to dance and party and they were great dancing partners and club hoppers like he was.

I think it's mostly an attitude; I also know my 90's music and my husband, a former DJ, quit listening in the late-1960's! I didn't get married until I was 39 and I wouldn't have a different man for nothing! The right guy for you is the right guy for you.

Shangrala if this man makes you happy then don't worry about what other people say. What matters is what makes you happy. A lot of people can't stand the way i do things, but I look at it like this. I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it. If you have an issue with it that's your issue not mine. I'm not going to accommodate what you need, but what I need. There are a lot of people out there who always have something to say about what someone does. We all have some type of issue just look at it like that if someone has something to say.

Shangrala......I wasn't going to chime in on this but now kind of feel compelled to do so...lol.

I married a man who is 21yrs younger than myself. He is the same age as my oldest daughter. I truly felt (and still do feel) that he was/is my soul mate.

Unfortunately, we are not together after 6 years of marriage. It fell apart a little over a year ago. It was a long distance marriage and there were so many issues with getting him here to the states that it really bogged us down and my husband came to the point of hopelessness. There was nothing I could say or do that could change his mind at that point.

For five wonderful years though, we had a fabulous relationship. We talked deeply, spiritually, heart to heart and soul to soul. He was by far the best lover I had ever had in my life. I never knew what real passion was until him. And I don't only mean sexual passion either.....I mean passion for everything.

As sad as it is that our marriage has not endured all things as we had hoped it would, I would never trade the time I had with him nor the feelings and emotions that went through me during that time.

I pray that your relationship goes the distance. It can be done, but like any relationship..it takes work on both sides. Enjoy each other and the moments you share, for life is short and you must grab for the ring at every opportunity!


sabby

Thanks, Michele~

Agreed on that....there are far too many who dedicate too much of their time pertaining to the business of others, and certainly not enough on their own.
Yes, what I am doing definately makes me happy, and I really pay no mind to that of others. After all, everyone is entitled to their opinion, its the ones who force their opinions upon others who usually has nothing kind or valuable to say, anyway...Not worth my time.

Thanks for reply.

Shangrala

Hi Shangrala,

I'm so happy for you. That's so great to feel love for somebody.
If I were you, I would stop asking or seeking approval from others.
Your happiness is the most important thing ever. If you two are happy together, then that's all matter. Igonre the rest and enjoy every minute of your time with him.

I've been dating a guy who was same age as me, but had three little kids who were living with his ex-wife. I left him and moved to LA. Now, I miss him all the time. We were truly in love. We could understand each other very well. We were laughing at the same things, but everybody was forcing me to leave him. They were telling me there is no future with him because of his three kids. And, now I'm all alone. I found a job and I moved to LA. For sure, I went through so much pain, same as him. Sometimes, I think what if I was staying and getting married with him. Not sure really....not sure what life would be.

So, you see....there is always something...always something is there...age, race, kids, financial problems, addictions, family issues....I think most people limiting themselves for no good reason.....

Your question was so broad, that's why you got such answers....I still prefer to date guys around my age....but I do have guy friend who is 57 and we laugh so much together....he goes after younger girls and never worked out for him....I feel bad for him...his son is the same age as me....I talked to his son too...and he said we got to take care of him, because girls are hurting him and leaving him....well....I do have a very nice girlfriend who is 52, and I want to introduce them together....I think they would be a good match....I've talked to both of them and they agreed....I told him, it's enough of going after so much younger girls who don't appreciate you....so, hope this time works for him and her....

Enjoy your time with your hobby....and let us know how things go....wish you the best....

with love
Marjan

You get one chance at this life its not a practice run, do as you please as long as you dont hurt anyone then life is good.

Perfectly said, Tishie.

Lived long nuff already to know that one from personal experience, which is exactly why I'm not wasting anymore time "goin through the motions".

Time flies by so fast, (and seemingly increasing so the older I become).
Because of the fact that I'm already past my halfway mark, I've done some serious soul searching, (which I have done in the past, but I ignored, nontheless). This time, however, not the case.

I've asked myself if I'm willing to spend the last of my "good" 20 years, (which may be longer...but, I always try not to take for granted the unexpected surprises life delivers...lol), living under the conditions of other's expectations...which, I suppose, is what I've been doing all these years. Just...going through the motions, attending to the needs of those around me, convincing myself that this is the noble thing to do. Which, might I add, never delivered me a sense of self-gratification.
Sure, I felt confident and satisfied that those I love are having their needs met...but fact remained, that mine were not, whatsoever. The more I ignored my personal needs, the louder they cried for attention.

Chances are, if it weren't due to the abusive marriage that I am leaving, (now leaving physically....I've left it emotionally years ago), I would more than likely still be "going through the motions" of contending to the needs of my loved ones. But, because of the fact that I simply cannot take it anymore, it has projected me into focusing on my needs as primary, finally ... delivering me to asking self the question, "Do I want to spend the last of my good years miserable?"

Moving away. Starting new. With little burdens weighing me down, anymore.....and it's about damn time.
Life IS good. Life IS fair. Life IS what we make of it, and.... Life is MINE.



Funny..how this thread went from my asking a random (and yes, quite broad) question bout age, to that of obtaining what we deserve in life....
Sorry bout that....

Shangrala

I realize my question was quite vague, but intentfully so.
My curiosity seeks all aspects of input....A broad question earns broad answers...exactly what I was seeking.....Any kind of reply, but from many.

You're so right that life is far too short to be living it under the scrutiny of others. We only find ourselves questioning our actions and ourselves.

I also agree, that there are many individuals who seek companionship in others who fall in an unrealistic range. It works for some, while not for others.
It is very difficult to watch someone you care about struggle repeatedly with something that you see so clearly, yet they are blinded to. The best anyone can do regarding that situation is to guide the best that you possibly can and be supportive when/if they reach yet another dead end. It's hard, I know. But there's really nothing more any one person can do for another in such cases.
I truly hope that the introduction of your friend to him will work out for them both. No one should be alone, especially when seeking companionship. My best to them both.

Personally, since I can remember, I've always found comfort in men 10+ years older than self...(father figure?...perhaps, though none ever turned out successfully). My hubs is only 2 years older....and, I've never felt so distant from someone than I do with him...Another disaster with an ending only enevitable.
And it seemed...as soon as I quit seeking to find a sense of gratification by fulfilling another, all unfolded to me as it was meant to be.....for ME.
By letting go of past behaviors and allowing fate to be my means of gratification....I was allowed passage to what IS...for me.

Life truly is too short to be living it for another. A lesson which took me over half of my lifetime to finally learn.
Time to move on....and rightfully so.

I wish you all the best, Marjan, and I sincerely hope that fate will deliver you your rewards, as well.
Thanks so much for all your support. I truly appreciate it.

Shangrala

Sahang I watched your signature and I really do believe the law of attraction. We create what we want in our lives. This is so true.

Sabby if you two still love each other than the both of you should still be together. If you live in the States why can't he just get a Visa.

I probably don't count. But I have dated both men older than me and younger... but I'm not quite 23 yet, so dating much younger people can be kinda ILLEGAL!

But I don't see why I wouldn't, if a nice one came along. It's not age that matters to me, it's maturity (amongst other things, lol!)

Hi All,

I agree with Patty and Marjan here. I've always prefered guys close to my age too. I absolutely hate it when I get approached by guys in their 30's and 40's. Personally I find it really insulting.

So really i see nothing wrong with categorizing or even flat out turning someone down based on their age.

I am studying business in college right now and imho the romantic world is really alot like any other marketplace of buyer, seller, and product.

In the product marketplace a buyer decides what features are important to them and then looks at only those products that meet their requirements. Products that don't fit the buyer's specifications are quickly and immediately discarded from consideration.

So imho it's not narrow mindedness at all. Imho it's just exercising the very basic human right of choosing what we like. That's all it really is.

Melissa

Yes, my dear...enjoy your time with him and don't let others bug you....be proud of what you have chosen....others would be so jealous of you

I think I have been so stricked on myself always and not letting myself to love somebody else....I always find imperfection in the others, not paying attention that we all are human being and we are not perfect....

and true, we are all creative our own life....everything is our own creation in our mind....these days I'm meditation a lot and I experience that whatever I think about is happening....so if I change my perspective and think positively about people and things around me that will happen to me...It's amazing what I'm experiencing and I welcome it....

I think most of my relationships ruined because I was so afraid to lose the person and at top of that I was getting jealous so much....then funny thing, the last boyfriend I had and I broke up recently with, was driving me crazy....he's handsome and getting lots of attention and he doesn't have even one single guyfriend....all of his friends are girls....I was constantly upset that I couldn't be relaxed and happy with him.....now I miss him too....not sure if it could have worked really....so, our mind is creating every thing....I'm trying my best these days to get rid of my jealousy in romantic relationship, but it's really hard sometimes....

I wish you luck....please enjoy your time with him...you are such a wonderful person, I can say from your writing....you are so loving and caring....and besides, it's up to your boyfriend to decide to be envolved with you or not....for sure, he loves you that's why he's with you....

with love
Marjan

I don't want to hijack Shangrala's thread but wanted to clarify about the visa. It's very difficult to get visa's for folks from certain countries and the fact that our age difference was so great (older woman/younger man as opposed to the other way around) it was a huge red flag.

Anywho....it's just not easily done in many cases.


sabby

Sabby I have also heard that when someone from another country marries a person in the U.S. they become a legal citizen. Do you still talk to him?

Hi All,

An interesting article on Yahoo News today.

It strongly reaffirms and vindicates my opinions on NOT dating/marrying men well beyond one's own age.

According to the article below (see the part in bold underline), it appears marrying a man that is much older than yourself is not a good idea (unless you are looking to increase your chances of getting divorced, lol).

Peppermint Patty

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

In love? It's not enough to keep a marriage, study finds

SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) (July 14, 2009)

Living happily ever after needn't only be for fairy tales. Australian researchers have identified what it takes to keep a couple together, and it's a lot more than just being in love.

A couple's age, previous relationships and even whether they smoke or not are factors that influence whether their marriage is going to last, according to a study by researchers from the Australian National University.

The study, entitled "What's Love Got to Do With It," tracked nearly 2,500 couples -- married or living together -- from 2001 to 2007 to identify factors associated with those who remained together compared with those who divorced or separated.

It found that a husband who is nine or more years older than his wife is twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turn 25.

Children also influence the longevity of a marriage or relationship, with one-fifth of couples who have kids before marriage -- either from a previous relationship or in the same relationship -- having separated compared to just nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.

Women who want children much more than their partners are also more likely to get a divorce.

A couple's parents also have a role to play in their own relationship, with the study showing some 16 percent of men and women whose parents ever separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to 10 percent for those whose parents did not separate.

Also, partners who are on their second or third marriage are 90 percent more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage.

Not surprisingly, money also plays a role, with up to 16 percent of respondents who indicated they were poor or where the husband -- not the wife -- was unemployed saying they had separated, compared with only nine percent of couples with healthy finances.

And couples where one partner, and not the other, smokes are also more likely to have a relationship that ends in failure.

Factors found to not significantly affect separation risk included the number and age of children born to a married couple, the wife's employment status and the number of years the couple had been employed.

The study was jointly written by Dr Rebecca Kippen and Professor Bruce Chapman from The Australian National University, and Dr Peng Yu from the Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.

Internet Link to News Article:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090714/lf_nm_life/us_couples

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hey some of what her article is kinda true at least in my own life. My ex husband is 12 years older than me. And I had one child before we were married and WE had 1 while we were married.... He smoked I don't. But the reason for our divorce really hinged on his drinking problem, the fighting that revolved around it got scary last summer so I kicked him out and he also lost two jobs before that while we were married.

But I wouldn't neccesarily say it's the age that does bc if he had just quit drinking and gone to aa We would probably still be together.

Now I'm dating a guy a year older than me and it feels nice to have someone on a similar page in life.

But don't knock and older guy when it comes to sex... My ex would get turned on in a minute, and always while he was down on me. No complaints there. Usually he wanted it more than I did.
And I hit on him first!!!

I agree with peppermint to not get married with somebody much older, but the interesting point about sex life is that you can't count on the age for it...hehehe....
my ex husband was four years younger than me and had very very low sex drive...I was thinking there was something wrog with me...then after him when I start dating, I found out, I'm absolutly normal....it was him having very low sex drive....he's still single after three years of our divorce!
So....you can't really rely on the age for the sex drive
The other point is that you can't really rely on the statistic for your love life....if you love somebody, no matter how old he or she is or what he or she does, don't you want that person in your life....love is blind and it's so sweet

with love
Marjan

It's quite alright, Sabby...hijack away....lol..No worries.
This subject directly relates to my present situation, anyway, and thought I'd add a couple cents worth in here.

This is something that Kristian (who lives in Holland) and I are presently working on. He is coming over on a visa waiver for the time being, (a stay no longer than the allowed 3 months). The plan is for him to return at the arranged time, and from there we contend with the necessary procedures for bringing him back as a US citizen. This seems to be a long, drawn out task ahead of us, however not impossibe.

jerrymichele mentioned about the fact of becoming a US citizen through marriage....that is a probability that I am looking into at present. However, nothing is as easy as it appears, especially when involving the legalities of our "wonderful US democracy"....lol. Again though, a task not impossible.
And, of course, there is the inclusion of the laws of the foreign county involved....oftentimes, proving far more difficult, if not almost impossible.

As to date, (and although I already have discovered that I need to do much more research to discover the exactness of facts), the chances of Kristian's return to the US after his initail visit are far greater (and sooner), if we marry during his first 3 month stay. He will return to his country as a citizen of the US through marriage, which should expedite his return to me.
I cannot be positive on that as of yet, but from what I have read so far, it is the results I have understood. I can be wrong though, (most of what the government offer to the public to read is so full of that legal lingo crap that it is hard to really put into layman's perspective).
I think my next step will include some legal counselling to confirm my speculations as what information they do offer the average person is nothing to bank on.....lol.
Anyway...just thought I'd add that lil bit for you, sabby. And once I do find out the actual laws on this, I'll be certian to post it for any further reference.

And as far as the age difference raising a huge red flag....At first it was a major issue for me, as our American culture doesn't exactly favor the older woman/younger man thing..(for whatever close-minded reason that is), and at first, I allowed that to dictate the direction my relationship was going with Kristian.(which was to an enevitable end), and by the way, made me absolutely miserable.
If it weren't for his persistance, dedication, understanding, love and acceptance.....I most definately would have fallen victim to what our society "allows" for us. Once I realized that our love is as right as any other's, all began to naturally fall into play. And I am so grateful.

Ppatty~
Thanks for that interesting response of info about that case study regarding the opposition of older/younger.
Perhaps in your research you can find a case study regarding those in favor of older/younger...Be interesting to see the test results to that one.. Thanks.

Take care~

Shangrala

Hi Shangrala,

I am sure one could find studies where a poll was conducted to determine people's preferences when it comes to the age of their partner, but I think looking at how long these relationships last is really the most important statistic to be looking at here.

This is why this particular study is so interesting, because it shows that some choices do indeed have a higher risk of failure.

For example 2nd and 3rd marriages generally have a poor track record of success. There are always exceptions of course... but statistically speaking MOST 2nd and 3rd marriages usually end in divorce.

And personally speaking... I think if I was contemplating a second, third, fourth or fifth trip down the aisle... I think I would rather try my luck at a Las Vegas Roulette or Black Jack table, as think my odds for success would be much better there, lol.

Peppermint Patty

Hi PPatty~

Isn't it unfortunate how some view marriage seemingly as more of a legal dating contract than devoted vows that have soulful value?

For me, marriage is sacred. However, I do not believe that one should sacrafice one's soul for the sake of carrying that marriage to the old misconception of the "for better or worse". However, that does not mean to bail out at the first sign of trouble, either.

I simply cannot accept the fact that a person must relinguish his/her sense of self for the sake of another who is not willing to carry their responsibility in the marriage. In that case, those vows have lost the value along with the partner who will not honor them.

And yes, imo, it takes an incredibly unique bonding between two persons involving a vast age difference, (regardless of which gender is senior/junior), to carry the extra weight of what that kind of relationship WILL entail in order to survive it....A weight that Krisitan and I WILL endure, regardless.

I think too, though, that much of that extra weight is applied because of how society views it. It is the opinions of others who compound the issues...adding a great unnecessary burden to the exisiting issues that that couple must already deal with.
So, with that, it isn't up to just the chemistry and abilities of said couple, but also, their success depends somewhat on how much pressure they can endure from those limitations/obstacles dumped on them by the majority.

Shangrala

wow...you are so harsh about life and love and marriage....It's okay to fail, we will learn from it and stand up again....not everybody has to experience the same.....there are some second or third marriages that are good and last forever....there are couples with age differences that are happily married....if you or I don't like it, we don't have to force our opinion on others....
She is in love, he is in love, they don't care about their age differences....so what? they are happy that's all it matters....they dont' know about the future same as us who don't know about our future either!
You really can't rely on statistic for getting married, you got to do what is good for you....

MT

Thank you SO much, Marjan.
You are the, "Live and let live"...Obviously, NOT of the majority. It's replies such as yours that reinforces the good to be had...in any given situation.

Hugs~

Shangrala