[fctwinkie]

my 19 yr old pregnant daughter is coming home.....her husband is in iraq and my daughter has been living with his parents in another state for the last 5 mos. BACKGROUND:when she was a teenager she was quite physically and verbally violent....she threw things at me, hit & kicked me, and her older sister, burned me with a cigarette (and said "i'm glad") stole, *****d, etc. etc: we adopted her when she was 2 and in her daddy's eyes she was always the little princess, even tho we had 2 older children who were never in trouble... he refused to deal with her when she acted out....he travelled a lot for his job so i was always the bad guy...in any incident, at home or school, he always believed she was being unjustly accused and took her side no matter what, even if he witnessed her misbehaviour).....from the day she turned 18 she lived from man to man to man until she met the guy she married.....she had known him in person 2 weeks and no one knows if the baby is his) NOW: she is coming home...her daddy, of course, is paying for her ticket...if she chooses to live here he thinks that is great, but if she wants an apt, he will pay for that as well as utilities, tv, etc....i am so STRESSED.......her behaviour has improved somewhat, but she has caused too many (mental) scars on me and i don't want her here.....i do not wish her harm, but if she never entered my life again i would be just fine....my husband, of course, thinks this is horrible....we have fought for several days over her return....last week he said he told her not to come home for now and he would check with her in 2 wks to see how things were going (i think she and her mother in law are not getting along).......i was so surprised and touched that for the first time ever he took note of my concerns and feelings........imagine my surprise when i walked in the office this morning and found him making a plane reservation for her to return here aug. 1st......he says he has done nothing wrong....i feel betrayed..... (and yes, he is already in therapy) i cry a lot and have started cutting again

[Wants2Fly]

I am so sorry, fctwinkie. This is a very difficult situation. I hope your husband will quickly put her up someplace else, though why he has to pay for it is unclear. Is she able to work?

[ally88]

wow..this is such a difficult situation. I hope he puts your feelings into perspective a little bit and realizes that maybe he should tell her to stay somewhere else. i am sorry to hear about all that your daughter has done to you. I hope it gets better.

[Maven]

I think your husband disrespected you. He should have talked to you before buying that ticket (and I agree, why isn't she paying for it?). Sounds like Dad doesn't want his little girl to grow up and take responsibility for herself.

[snowflake_48888]

((((((((((fctwinkie))))))))))))
I am sorry this is happening to you. I too have a daughter who is 30 but has given me much grieve since she was 15. It's a very difficult situation and I can understand your pain.
Snow

[fctwinkie]

thank you..........this is what i fear..........that it will continue forever! how do you get past the anger for all she has done? or is it not possible?

[AmatureBombTech]

I'm sorry Fctwinkle,

Your husband definately disrespected you.

At 19, I was ill with BP2 (undiagnosed), pregnant and a handful for my parents too I am sure. I did alot of things that I am not proud of. I did however, do alot of growing up once my baby came and tons of maturing in the first few years of motherhood. I hope the same for your daughter.

As for your husband, there is only one tidbit of advice I have for that situation, whatever her problem, make him deal with it. If she loses her temper and starts freaking out, leave the room and say nothing...call your husband and make him listen over the phone to her. Or do what my parents did...video tape and audio tape her as she goes into her moods. Replay them when she is more apt to listen and reason. This is what was most effective for me.

Last but certainly the most important, get her some therapy. She is not in a great frame of mind and certainly will not be any better shortly after the baby comes. She needs some help and for the sake of everyone in the family and the newest arrival...please stress to her that she needs to get a diagnosis and some meds so she doesn't pass along behaviours and her baby doesn't start to parrot her later on.

I am 32 now and have worked really hard and am doing really well. So is my lovely 11 year old daughter.
It is possible for your daughter too. She is not a lost cause so long as she doesn't put herself in a victim roll and keeps herself in the survivor's roll. It's imperative that you as parents do not allow her fall into that victim's roll.

ABT

[SeptemberMorn]

It sure pains me to see the subject line of this thread. Don't you think "hate" is too strong a word for a child that you raised? Sure, she has problems, but she didn't come to have them all on her own. It's probably the fact that your husband and you were never on the same page when she was growing up. You two basically taught her to play one against the other.

If I were you, I'd try to get a better handle on the relationship between your husband and your daughter. I'd look at my behavior as well as my feelings for and about her, too. Why doesn't your husband listen to or seem to care about your feelings in this?

There are other options than her living with you. She could get on Welfare and find her own place to live. Your husband could still provide her with other necesities that Welfare wouldn't provide but without supporting her financially.

[fctwinkie]

thank you for your response.......but no, "hate" is not too strong a word for what i feel............i despise every time she comes into my life, no matter what the reason, becuz she only contacts me when she wants something ...........you are correct in that my hsb. and i were often at odds on how to raise her.......even when he agreed with me, when it actually came down to things, he preferred to hid his head in denial......since my daughter chooses not to work, but would rather mooch off of others, i, like you, feel she can learn to solve her own problems, even if it means moving into a shelter for a while.......her father can't handle it and always bails her out with money and "things".....whenever he visits her he has to give her money and merchandise and sees nothing wrong with this...........most of the time my husband is a good guy and reasonable person....but when it comes to this child (and not with any of the other children) he turns to mush..........i think it is because we adopted her when she was 2 and he has always bought into the "poor little orphan child" nonsense (i, too, am adopted and have worked with many adult adoptees, birth parents and social agencies, so i do have some awareness of the whole adoption triangle issue/s)

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
............i despise every time she comes (verb) into my life, no matter what the reason,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Is it HER, or is it her actions?

[CJR520]

I understand the "hate" thing. It is temporary, but real. She needs her own apartment payed for by her and her husband, and it is time for her to grow up! Period!! Also, time for your husband to think about you, and that the daughter is now married, and it is the husband's responsibility to see that she has housing, clothing, etc. Why can't the daughter work in a grocery as a cashier, or at a desk making appointments somewhere. Sounds like she just wants someone else to take over the helm. Does your husband want to change diapers when she decides to leave? Been there, done that, and your husband needs to wake up now, and fast!

[bebop]

I have to agree with september on the "hate" issue. that is a really strong word. I think I saw on the main post about her leaving a marriage. maybe I am wrong on that but that is when our children need us the most. I have stayed away from this post because of the heading. I hate my daughter. wow! that is very harsh. adopted or not no child needs to be hated by a parent.

[MyBestKids2]

anyone of us can be upset and stressed out enough to use words that we would not ordinarily use. i've seen a lot of posts in here that were filled with words that were very, very harsh.

i believe in giving a poster a room to say what comes out when they are feeling it, as long as it isn't directed towards a poster here. the poster was using a word that is very emotional and at that moment that is how she felt.

i vent here as do others......it is my impression that this is a support forum. judging someone who is obviously in pain doesn't seem very helpful.....

[bebop]

Pat I do agree that at times we all say things we regret later but this person seems to really hate her child. looks like it has been going on a long time. it is really sad. although we get angry at our children at least I do I would never say I hate them. I don't think you would either right? it is just sad to me.

See my mom did hate me and she died that way. even in the funeral home during her viewing someone asked one of her sisters why she hated me so much. to me it is just sad sad sad. sorry I won't post in this one again though.

are we in a position to judge her?

what if she does hate her daughter? did the posts magically change it or did they perhaps make her feel really !@#$%^&amp;?

i'd be crushed if i received that kind of "support" here.

it is very sad to me that ftwinky (hope i spelled your name correctly? has been judged so harshly.

[silver_queen]

I'm not excusing the fact that your daughter has treated you badly in the past and has shown no respect for you, and this has caused the strength of your feelings against her. She is however only 19 yrs old. You are her mother. Perhaps her bad behaviour against you was to test you to see how much support you would give her? If she knows she is adopted, might it be that she was testing how strong your love for her was? And now... you say you "hate" her. I'm not judging that term, but I am suggesting that it might be affecting the behaviour between the two of you. Your daughter might have changed, however slightly, but your feelings towards her might be blocking your ability to notice that. Or she might, now she is pregnant, hope that things might be able to settle down a bit between the two of you, and maybe you're not able to accept that? Another thought I had is that she might sense/ know the antagonism you have towards her. This isn't likely to improve her behaviour towards you - it's more likely to push her towards her father, your husband. You said that your husband paid for her plane ticket and you didn't know about it because he didn't discuss it with you - perhaps he sees something in your daughter that you're currently unable to see? perhaps he didn't discuss his decision with you because he knew you would resist it and would always fight against her coming?

I'm not sure if this has been any help ...

[embarassed]

It makes sense that you are angry at your daughter now for being abusive and demanding but I'm wondering if you also had that attitude against her when she was a child. If you hated her when she was a child then I'm sure she would have picked up on that, which could explain why she's so angry and demanding. On the other hand, maybe you were a loving mother when she was a child, so in that case she could have a mental illness or she could just be a brat. I don't want to judge because I don't know both sides of the story.

[Mouse_]

I am an adopted child and adopted children come with a baggage off emotional problems, much like the dog slogan "An adopted child is for life, not just for xmas". As I was once told, my adoptive mother was the adult first. I hope you find the help you need to deal with these issues, sounds theres a whole lot more going on then your adopted daughter having been the bad guy all her life?

I wouldnt take abuse off anyone ! If your that upset by it all then wait and see if she starts again if she does then tell your husband if he can afford an apartment for her he can afford one for you and that you or her are moving out its his choice ......

There comes a time when we can do no more for our children apart from show them love but showing them love does not mean accepting abuse off them.

[KathyM]

I'm not surprised you feel this way about your daughter. It sounds like you two have been in competition over your husband from the beginning, and she always came out the winner. As a result, daddy's happy and both women are left out in the cold.

You adopted this child and made a promise to raise her. Her behavior may belong to her, but it's there for a reason. Turning your back on her in her time of need won't make any of you feel better. If something tragic happened to her, would you feel bad or personally responsible for throwing her out on the streets?

All you can do now is lay down strict rules if she wants to live in your house, and stick to them - BOTH of you. The whole ugly mess could have been avoided if you had agreed on child-rearing methods before adopting a child. It might help if the three of you start out with some family counseling. Maybe you could all find some common ground and rules to live with together.

Good luck. Just remember - she's carrying your grandchild.

[Perna]

Okay, I have a pet peeve regarding responding to old threads without paying attention to their dates! This incident took place last July, almost a year ago, and her daughter came last August! We don't really know what happened? Not only that but this member hasn't been online here at PC since January so isn't reading the replies.

Opps !

[KathyM]

Thanks Perna. I never bothered to look at the date of the OP - just figured it was current. Geesh, I'll stop worrying about her now. I wonder what happened to the baby - somebody slap me!

I'll pay closer attention next time.

[AAAAA]

I wish she'd come back and tell us how things worked out.