Unforgiveness / Finding Closure

How do you deal with your feelings when people won't forgive you for something you've said or done and won't even talk with you about it or have walked out of your life completely, whether it be a friend or SO and you still love and care for this person very much? Can you find closure on your own and if so how, when there are so many unanswered questions on your part? This has happened to me a few times. I'm spending time researching on the net to find my behaviour, trying to think, learn and meditate on what happened, which I can only do from my own perspective of what happened and the few words that were said by the other party (usually in anger), if any, and work on the area of myself that contributed to the situation in hopes that I don't repeat my errors in other relationships, be them current or future. If we don't learn from our errors in failed relationships, then the same behaviour is bound to be repeated in other relationships, therefore making them just as toxic as the last. And what if the problem was at least partially caused by misunderstandings on the part of the other person and you didn't get a chance to explain yourself? Does that not bring you frustration that someone can write you off so easily without listening to your side of the situation, assuming that their own interpretation is the only one that is right (which in my case has never been true yet) and they want no part of hearing anything you have to say. For me the hurt still remains and closure is yet to be achieved for me. I still mourn the loss of my best girl friend from a year ago.

BTW, I don't want anyone to make assumptions to whom they think I may or may not be talking about because these are GENERAL questions and not about any one person to which has rejected and abandoned me. Unfortunately, it has become a pattern for me in my life. I'm in a position of examining each of them and learning from them, as they all bear some resemblance. My hope is to resolve the issues in my life that lead to my offending behaviour so that I don't repeat it in any other relationships.

BTW, so far I have learned that my behaviour is derived from not getting the love and nurturing that I needed in my childhood, but I'm also in the midst of continuing to learn why I behave in the manner to which I do and how I may act more appropriately.

I hope my post makes some sort of sense. I'm feeling physically and emotionally unwell. I apologize if I just seem to be rambling or talking in circles. I think I'm going back to bed til I feel better. Thanks in advance for your replies, to which I look forward to receiving. I'm hoping this post will generate enough replies that we may get quite a conversation going that we may all learn something from each of our own relationships, whether they be current, past or future.

All my best for each of you in all your relationships in life, whether family, friend, SO, or lover. None are free from the potential of problems making them toxic.

I also hope that nobody finds anything in my post to be offensive, it is meant to be used as an opening to generate a conversation to be used as a learning tool for us all. I hope that is achieved. I shall return when I'm feeling more at least physically up to it. I apologize for not responding to any other posts here yet today. I wish only the best for everyone who posts here and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

I do apologize for my ramblings. I'm not very good with 'short and sweet'. Definitely something else I need to work on because I know how hard it can be to read long posts.

Hey AG, one small bit of advice. Keep in mind that every single person on this planet has their OWN issues. Even though we may be affected by those very issues, it's not about us, it's not personal. All ppl are muddling there way through life as best they can. When you can see that most ppl, in this specific area, are coming from a space of hurt, can we not feel compassion for them. Forgiving them. The best thing you can do is make yourself always available to be reached out to by those ppl. To be unintimidating, whether by your pain, your bitterness, your anger and rage, or even your neediness. they need to know they have a "safe" place to come to and not end up making the situation worse than it already is or was.
I hope this helps. I'm here to help you.
TgrsPurr. xo

Oh Tgr, I'm glad you brought that up. I tend to look at things from only my own short-comings, putting the blame on myself. You're very right, we all come into any relationship with our own hurts and pains, carrying whatever baggage we have from our pasts. I mustn't forget that.

As for myself, I don't harbour any hatred or anger towards anybody that has hurt me, rejected me and abandoned me. I know I'm *sometimes* not alone in the blame of a failed relationship I've had and that the other party involved has their own ownership for their own words/actions, but there are times I think I am the only one who is to blame. I am extremely open to people approaching me to once I had whatever kind of a relationship it was in discussing what happened or trying to re-establish the bond that was once there. I hold no grudges to anyone whatsoever. My door is always open and everyone is very welcome to enter within, without worry of being judged, yelled at, put down or anything else of the like. In fact, I would look forward to those in my past who would want to do that very thing. OTOH, I'm not sitting here waiting for something that may not ever happen either. Only they know how open they are to talk with me again. I don't think, even if others have made mistakes, that I think of it in terms of needing to forgive them or that they need to be forgiven. I don't know why I'm like that, as much as I've been deeply upset by the loss of somebody in my life, I tend to look more on what *I* did wrong as opposed to whatever if anything, in my eyes at least, to what they have might've done better to have a healthy relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one who has ever left me should have any fear of approaching me and hesitant of receiving a hostile attitude in return. It would not happen. I understand that we all have our own baggage and hurts in life and I never expect anyone to be perfect, that is impossible. No one can live up to being put on a pedestal of being the perfect one. I accept people, baggage and imperfectations and all. If I was unable to do so, then how could I ever expect to have any kind of relationships whatsoever?

So, yes they have a safe place of compassion, without worry of intimidation when/if approaching me. I'm a very open and compassionate person. I have no anger, hate or rage towards anyone in my life, no one whatsoever. As far as my neediness is concerned, that is the issue to which I'm currently working on. I have certainly recognized myself in being this way in all my failed relationships. That is the one that I was referring to when I mentioned that I have discovered that it is derived from the lack of love and nurturing as a child. I think it is probably the single-most thing that has ended relationships in my life, leaving the other party feeling very frustrated, unable to live up to and suffocated. I never want to repeat this, it must be stopped and now that I recognize that in myself, I think I can make positive changes within myself as to not repeat it in current and future relationships. But with that said, I'm only in the bare start on my journey to learning about my neediness and how to overcome it. There is much to be learned by the negative traits we find in ourselves. And with that learning comes growth, real growth. And that is the stage I am in my life. I do not EVER want to bring that ugly neediness into any other relationship and have the other party feel strangled. No other person should have to put up with it nor do they deserve to. Also, I'm very tolerant of the shortcomings that are within others. I do not expect perfection from anyone and they all bring their own hurts and and traits into whatever relationships they have in their lives.

This is why I'm hoping that this thread with be a learning place for not only me but for all of us. We all hurt in life, we all have baggage we carry from our baggage but we can all learn more about ourselves to lighten the load of said baggage, making for a more healthy relationship with others.

I do hope that those who have left me, don't feel afraid of connecting with me again, because they have nothing to be afraid of, absolutely nothing. I'm a warm, caring, compassionate and loving person and that will always be no matter what happened in the past. My welcome mat is always out. So they will not be met with any unforgiveness, intimidation, anger, rage, hate, bitterness. They will be welcomed with only loving, open arms.

Tgr, thank your for reminding me of the other side of the coin and your very thoughtful input.

Much love and peace to all.

I guess I'm unique with this problem. That's a depressing thought.

Oi! I'm gonna go out on a limb here AG, I hope I don't offend...that's certainly not my intent. Only to help.

I couldn't agree with you more...you are not an angry, bitter, hateful, vengeful person. Your disposition is more passive than that. You turn your anger inward toward yourself and that is the very reason for the depths of your depression into the deep dark abyss. You DO have anger, it's just misdirected and you use it to punish yourself instead of others. Why? you ask. Because you are too much of a ppl pleaser. You need human attention too badly to risk it on something like rage. That's not to say you never get mad. I've SEEN you get mad and lash out. And then you have more reason to jpunish yourself in your depression. There is nothing abstract about your depression AG, it is very specific and very focused and full of intent.

Where I think you make yourself "unsafe" to be approached by someone you've had differences with is your self deprication. Your self-loathing, the way you'll take EVERYTHING so personally and feel overly hurt by the reconciliation. Even here in this post...you took it personally that ppl weren't responding. This makes you unapproachable. Yes, when someone does respond your grateful, appreciative, responsive and sweet. But overly so. You crave the attention so bad it's a little overwhelming. Not everyone will know what to say in a particular post or thread. I've been there. I've also made posts I desperately wanted ppl to respond to and when it didn't happen fast enough I began to question myself. You are FULL of self-doubt. You have a very difficult time holding *yourself* up, your too dependent on others to do that for you. This is a mistake.
Another point AG is that ppl know exactly what you're referring to here, it's kinda hard not to. This makes ppl uncomfortable because everything is being said by nothing being said. Ppl like specifics to a problem or issue, not generalizations. Ppl want the story...not the gory details, but the facts of the situation.
Try not to take everything and anything so personally. Ppl's responses or lack thereof are not necessarily about you.
I responded, why can't that be enough?
Thinking of you AG. I'm your friend.
TgrsPurr. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoooooooooooo

In addition to TgrsPurr, when ppl don,t say what you want to hear you doubt that they care this is not true they care enought to respond so you need to learn how to not be so co-dependent on others
Angie

Well, I don't know quite how to respond to either of your responses or how you think I should.

My post was not talking about any one specific relationship in my life, as I said, it is a pattern that I have formed and I've lost every friendship the same way, by smothering them that they felt that they could not breathe. In fact, if I recall without reading back, I mentioned that I haven't gotten over losing my best friend last year, so she is just one of many. So, I don't know what you think my post is specifically about that people think is so obvious.

Other than that, anything else I would have to say would be considered self-loathing so I'll refrain. I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't.

BTW, I had already said that I was in the process right now of learning how to not be so needy. I don't see the necessity of telling me I need to do something I'm already actively working on, it's kinda like rubbing salt in the wound as it is already in the midst of the healing process.

I know you both are my friends and I'm not being dependant on either of you to help me, I'm working on myself all by myself. Well, maybe that's not true cuz I asked for how others handle this specific situation. I guess I have to learn how to do things without asking questions.

Certainly not the types of replies I was looking. I know you both feel you are offering constructive criticism, I was looking for how other people have dealt with not getting closure when a relationship ends. Any kind of relationship.

Now, I feel I don't know how to talk with people at all. I'm at a total loss.

Oh AG, I'm sorry my post hurt you, that was not my intent. I was just trying to shine a light on the issues of anger, depressiona and the effect of these things on relationships. I do stand by my post because I believe it to be accurate, but I also acknowlege that the truth hurts sometimes.

Can you please tell me what is is you were looking for in this post and I'll respond accordingly.

Thank you for providing some specifics when it came to you and your best friend. I believe it's more difficult to lose a best friend than any other kind of relationship because true friendship is so hard to find.

Can you agree with me that your anger is turned inward toward yourself and is the very fuel that feeds the depression fire? I never meant to rub your nose in anything, but again this is precisely what I was talking about. You're taking offense to something that was not intended to be offensive. A rule that I live by in these forums that has been tremendously helpful is, "Take what you like and leave the rest". You don't have to agree with everything I have to say, but hopefully you saw some truth in my post and that my intention was never to hurt you. All I'm asking is that you take what I have to say, mull it over, turn it on its head and see if there is even a morsel of truth, if there is, take it and use it. If there isn't, leave it and move on.

I only ever want to be completely truthful and honest with you AG, even if it means saying things that are difficult to hear. It's always for your benefit, for your encouragment, to provide some further understanding to the questions you ask. Sometimes things get misinterpretated because of the nature of cyber space, we don't have the benefit of body language, voice inflection, eye contact and the gentle touch of a hand or a warm hug.

I beg your forgiveness for discouraging you further.
TgrsPurr. xoxo

If you could just see the new friends and value there friendships, , the past is over move on to a new begining
Angie

TgrsPurr, i don't see what you said to AG as discouragement. you offered what you could in loving support. how a message is received is out of the delivery person's hands....you went in with an open heart and gave AG something valuable. pat

If you just forget the past and move on, then you bring toxic behaviour into existing and new friendships, as I'm apparently already doing. That in itself proves my point. You must learn from past errors and that's all I'm trying to do here.

AG, this is not about forgetting the past, that's impossible. This is about forgiving the past and all its transgressions.

I've reread all my posts here. I feel that I did address the very issues you brought up. I addressed the relationship issues and how to move on and have closure in them. I explained how it all comes back to you, forgiving yourself. Not turning the anger and resentment inward, as you so adeptly do. But understanding that each and every person has their own issues.
I addressed the issue of being approachable for reconciliation...I pointed out where that may be difficult for some ppl because of your tendency to internalize everything to the point of taking the blame for everything and everything. And from what I'm seeing of you now, you also have a tendency to be rather passive-aggresive. You state how mean I'm being to you in one breath and in the next you're saying how it's all your fault.

After your original post here, because ou rec'd only one response, me, you took it personally that you must be all alone in this plight. You have a way of projecting that no one could possibly suffer as much as you. Suffering is suffering is suffering, it's only circumstance that varies.

You've made some very specific posts about Cat, it's only natural for us to believe that this one is too. And I'm sure he is, but also your best friend and others as well.

Again, I ask you, what is it that you need AG. You makde a post in Depression, but do not respond, but when you made a post here and you didn't get the response you wanted, you became upset.

I'm trying to work with you here hon. I really am. but when you slam the door in my face what am i suppose to do with that? I will keep knocking. I'll keep ringing the door bell. I'll shout through the door. but it still comes down to you opening said door.

Closure is found within hon. It's not some external act of shutting a door or something. To achieve closure we must accept the truth, the whole truth, and might have nothing to do with you personally.

Keep communicating AG. We'll get there eventually.
TgrsPurr. xo

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Oi! I'm gonna go out on a limb here AG, I hope I don't offend...that's certainly not my intent. Only to help.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know your intent is to not offend me but to help me. I would not think otherwise, you don't have that within yourself.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I couldn't agree with you more...you are not an angry, bitter, hateful, vengeful person. Your disposition is more passive than that. You turn your anger inward toward yourself and that is the very reason for the depths of your depression into the deep dark abyss. You DO have anger, it's just misdirected and you use it to punish yourself instead of others. Why? you ask. Because you are too much of a ppl pleaser. You need human attention too badly to risk it on something like rage. That's not to say you never get mad. I've SEEN you get mad and lash out. And then you have more reason to jpunish yourself in your depression. There is nothing abstract about your depression AG, it is very specific and very focused and full of intent.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I have never thought of having anger directed within. I've thought of it as self-hatred. Why would I be angry with myself? For not being perfect? Nobody is perfect. I don't get this at all. I agree that to some point, I'm a people pleaser and yes there are times that I've gotten angry and lashed out but again, I don't see myself then punishing myself with that anger. I've already released it at whoever, whatever I've lashed out at. I think my depression is from my traumas and the lack of love shown to me as a child. I want to feel loved. I can't seem to feel it, even when extended to me. I don't recognize it because I was never told by my parent even once that they loved me, never got a hug, never given a goodnight kiss. I'm sure they must've loved me but I never felt it. I still don't know how to feel it given to me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Where I think you make yourself "unsafe" to be approached by someone you've had differences with is your self deprication. Your self-loathing, the way you'll take EVERYTHING so personally and feel overly hurt by the reconciliation. Even here in this post...you took it personally that ppl weren't responding. This makes you unapproachable.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm a highly-sensitive person. That's not new to anybody here. I thought that others would've had failed relationships in their lives and might've offered ideas to me on how they were able to find closure to failed relationships. Nobody did, other than you directing me to look at where the other person is coming from, to which I replied.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Yes, when someone does respond your grateful, appreciative, responsive and sweet. But overly so. You crave the attention so bad it's a little overwhelming.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That sure shocked and hurt me. My positive responses are overwhelming. I've never been told I'm too sweet before. This just leaves me speechless and crying. I guess I don't know how to talk with people at all. My communication skills, even when positive suck. Now I'm scared to even post at all. I don't consider myself to be an attention-seeker at all. Looks like I don't even know who I am.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Not everyone will know what to say in a particular post or thread. I've been there.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I didn't expect 'everyone' to reply. That would be expecting way too much but yes, I did at least hope for some amount of replies to which I could respond when I came back here. Don't we all?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I've also made posts I desperately wanted ppl to respond to and when it didn't happen fast enough I began to question myself. You are FULL of self-doubt.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

If you questioned yourself then you too had self-doubt. I'm not sure what self-doubt has in relation to not getting replies though.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You have a very difficult time holding *yourself* up, your too dependent on others to do that for you. This is a mistake

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

How does this thread have any relationship to how dependent I am on others? Am I the only one on this site that asks opinions from others? Why is my asking any different than theirs? I know I have had relationships where I leaned far too heavily on the other person for emotional support but as far as this site is concerned, is this not a support site? Why is everybody here?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Another point AG is that ppl know exactly what you're referring to here, it's kinda hard not to. This makes ppl uncomfortable because everything is being said by nothing being said.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

What EXACTLY am I referring to here that is so obvious that makes people uncomfortable? ASSUMPTIONS!!!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Ppl like specifics to a problem or issue, not generalizations. Ppl want the story...not the gory details, but the facts of the situation.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I gave specifics. I said I had formed a pattern in my life where all relationships ended because of me being too needy. I mentioned losing my best friend last year because of it. How much more specific to I need to get?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Try not to take everything and anything so personally. Ppl's responses or lack thereof are not necessarily about you.
I responded, why can't that be enough?
Thinking of you AG. I'm your friend.
TgrsPurr. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoooooooooooo

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Again, I'm highly sensitive but more so was disappointed because I thought failed relationships would be something that we ALL would have in common. I couldn't imagine not getting replies, other than yours when I came back several hours later. I was surprised. I guess I need to learn that either no responses or one response is enough and not be disappointed. My bad. I'll try to do better. Yes, you are my friend and I hope me, yours. Thanks for thinking of me. I guess the way in which you think of me hurts though and it seems you're not alone in you're way of thinking either by the looks of it.

WOW!!!

I have read all these post thouroughly and I have to say some very valid points have been made here. I to beleive that you blame yourself and interalize anger and you bottle that up. I beleive that because certain relationships didnt work out, it doesnt mean that you are to blame. Not everything is your fault. I wish you could not carry that burdon on your shoulders. I know that you are trying to make changes and I think that is wonderful but these changes will take a long while. We will be here for you angel when you need us. Through good times and bad. Your a wonderful person with so much love to give. Please stop blaming yourself for other peoples issues. I know that there actions have affected your feelings but how people act is beyond your control. HUGS FOR YOU!!!!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((AG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Also I forgot to say. I love your posts and I disagree with the comment that your overly sweet. I think your a loving, giving and supporting person and to show that, you post encouraging and loving things. There is nothing wrong with that.

AG, I can only assume that my posts did not come across in the spirit in which they were given. I thought I could offer some insight into the issues you brought up and I think I must have made a 45 degree turn in the wrong direction for you to have taken it all this painfully. For that I apologize. I have no desire to rehash or go point for point with you. I don't see how that would be productive. All I ask is that you accept my declaration that things got misinterpreted. I never meant to say that you are too sweet. I never meant to say that your post was entirely about Cat. I never meant to trigger your highly sensitive nature and rub your nose in anything. I never implied that I am without my own insecurities and issues. But what I am saying is, what was your intention in posting this? What response were you looking for that I was so off base about? Why are you picking apart every single thing I've said and turned it into some kind of insult or negativity? Why are you assuming the worst of me? You say your approachable, but when I approached this post, you rejected it in its entirety. Ppl. perceive different things, ppl have different points of view, ppl have a variety of insights to offer. Mine were met with total hostility. Why? Instead of just saying, sorry Tgr, you are completely off base, you attacked me personally and every single thing I had to say. You chose the path of being completely insulted and misunderstood. Why is that? I can say that for me, this will not stop me from making further posts. I wish to continue to communicate with you about any and all subjects. It is normal real life behavior to have discussions about opinions, observations and conclusions. I hope we can do that throughout this post. I don't "know" you AG, only what you post. So my interpretation of you is somewhat limited and I try to work within those perameters as best I can to offer you any advice and insight I can. I have certain personality traits that may clash with yours, but that's life. Lets work with each other. I'm always willing to explain my statements in further detail, but as you can see, my responses are long winded as it is.
I hope this doesn't change our relationship AG. I don't want there to be any mistrust or animosity between us. Forgive me my transgressions as I forgive you yours. We are sisters and ought to treat each other as such.
Thinking of you. TgrsPurr, xoxo

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
AG, this is not about forgetting the past, that's impossible. This is about forgiving the past and all its transgressions.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Forgiving the past? Isn't that kinda what closure is about. I don't know how to find closure. I still hurt from all my failed relationships because I wasn't given the chance to talk with the other person to get closure.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I've reread all my posts here. I feel that I did address the very issues you brought up. I addressed the relationship issues and how to move on and have closure in them. I explained how it all comes back to you, forgiving yourself. Not turning the anger and resentment inward, as you so adeptly do. But understanding that each and every person has their own issues.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't recall reading that I should forgive myself in your reply. You did mention that everyone has their own issues and I agree. See my last reply re: anger turned inwards. It's hard for me to forgive myself when others don't. Plus that is only part of the scenerio. I'm only half of the failed relationship. There were two people. And when I don't get a chance to talk with that other person, then I'm left without closure. What if the other person does not see things in the way in which I meant them? The interpret something totally wrong and the way in which they interpret them is part of the reason they walk away. How does not having the ability to explain supposed to find me closure?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I addressed the issue of being approachable for reconciliation...I pointed out where that may be difficult for some ppl because of your tendency to internalize everything to the point of taking the blame for everything and everything.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Maybe that would be because the other person totally blames me for the relationship breaking up. I've yet to hear any of them take any responsibility yet.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And from what I'm seeing of you now, you also have a tendency to be rather passive-aggresive. You state how mean I'm being to you in one breath and in the next you're saying how it's all your fault.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Where have I said you are mean? I've said I'm hurt. I have no recollection of saying your mean.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
After your original post here, because ou rec'd only one response, me, you took it personally that you must be all alone in this plight. You have a way of projecting that no one could possibly suffer as much as you. Suffering is suffering is suffering, it's only circumstance that varies.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

OK, wrong choice of words, I seem to be so good at that and it so often gets me into trouble. I was hurt. I don't mean to imply that I'm suffering any more than anybody else. There are lots of people who suffer FAR more than me, I'm very aware and conscious of that. I'm sorry my reply was not appropriately worded.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You've made some very specific posts about Cat, it's only natural for us to believe that this one is too. And I'm sure he is, but also your best friend and others as well

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I specifically mentioned my former best friend to take the reader's thoughts away from cat. I don't talk about him anymore and haven't for a long time until I'm forced to defend myself here. I guess if I should ever ask for any opinion on any relationship issue in the future, I'll have to be extremely specific as to not give anybody the opportunity to make the WRONG ASSUMPTIONS which are so often done. I wasn't specific, other than mentioning my former best friend, because I said that I've made the same mistake in ALL my relationships. I do NOT wish to talk about cat and I'm sorry that he has to even enter this conversation. It was not by my doing.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Again, I ask you, what is it that you need AG. You makde a post in Depression, but do not respond, but when you made a post here and you didn't get the response you wanted, you became upset.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Am I the only person who has ever posted just to vent and ask for no responses? NO! But I will refrain from that in the future, to which I've already stated in that thread.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm trying to work with you here hon. I really am. but when you slam the door in my face what am i suppose to do with that? I will keep knocking. I'll keep ringing the door bell. I'll shout through the door. but it still comes down to you opening said door.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I've opened the door. I wasn't looking to be criticized, no matter how constructive or supportive, I was looking for others to tell me how they found closure. I don't know how else to explain that. I guess I'm not very good on how to word things properly to get the kind of responses I'm looking for. I know you're not trying to hurt me, but only to help me but you've said things that now I question who I am because I sure as hell don't know anymore. I'm not who I thought I was, that's for sure. I'm come across totally different than the person to which I thought I was. I'm lost and confused.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Closure is found within hon. It's not some external act of shutting a door or something. To achieve closure we must accept the truth, the whole truth, and might have nothing to do with you personally.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

If it might not have anything to do with me, then what is it? How do I find that out? The whole truth. When communication between me and whoever the other person is doesn't take place, then the whole truth never comes out. And the whole truth you are giving about me personally, as I said, leaves me feeling totally lost and confused. I have absolutely no idea who I even am anymore.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Keep communicating AG. We'll get there eventually.
TgrsPurr. xo

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I am communicating. I'm confused, I'm hurt, I don't even know who I am, I'm totally lost.

I don't think I'm totally to blame but they all do. Thanks for being there for me. I'm just so confused and crying.

(((((((((((((((((((((AG)))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((AG)))))))))))

Please PM me.

Ry

I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your replies. I'm obviously not good with the written word. After this evidence, people will probably really stay clear of me in fear that I will misinterpret what they say. It just seems I can't talk about relationships without people assuming that cat is involved. I hate that. I wish that relationship was never made known to anyone else. At this point, I'm almost wishing it never happened. I don't know how else to explain what I was looking for. I guess I really lack in vocabulary skills. I'm not trying to insult you. That was never my intent. I thought you asked me what upset me so I broke your post down to give my interpretation. Obviously that's not what you were looking for. I misunderstood and I did it with a 2nd post before reading this one I'm responding to so I apologize for doing it twice. I'm not assuming the worst of you, never was, again, I obviously don't explain myself well. It seems the more I say, the deeper I'm digging the hole. I don't have any hostility towards you and I'm not meaning to insult you. I'm not sure why you think I am. How have I attacked you personally? I've not said one thing bad about you. I've said you didn't intend to hurt me. I'm glad you will still communicate with me. This would be the point where those that have left me, did. Thanks for hanging in there. That means the world to me. I wish I was better at communicating, I really do. This does not change our relationship at all from my point of view. You offered me help, I misunderstood it and some of it hurt. We can't always expect that we will like everything that we hear/read. There is nothing to forgive you for, you haven't done anything wrong but I do thank you for forgiving me and my screwed up brain and still wanting to hang in there with me. You will be the first after an exchange like this. That means a lot to me. Thinking of you too. I'm so sorry. God, I wish I was normal.

AngelGirl,

I hope you're around, I wanted to respond to your first message......
I would like to say I think it's very grand of you to try and look at yourself ( in your first post) and ask how others coped/dealt with relationships. I believe that shows the desire to progress.

I think I'm on the other side of the "coin"- from you. I'm the one that flees when things are feeling a bit too uncomfortable. I wonder if that's the kind of people you are having relationships with- people like me?! My T. has told me " I bet when you run from someone, they don't even understand what happened"--- you know, I think he's right. As far as dealing with it... well, that's still a work in progress. - sorry I'm not much help!

May I say though AngleGirl... please try not to get upset when people don't post right away. For me, I have a family and weekends can be hectic-- and I had a real tough session thursday with my T. and couldn't handle it and did some things that weren't good for myself-- so I've been feeling a bit down and that makes it harder to post-- which for me is real hard without the depression. Well, I said more than you probably wanted to know-- I just wanted to give you an example of how it's not you.... things happen and people sometimes just aren't able to answer too quick. I'm also saying this for myself-- as I do the EXACT same thing in my mind ( I worry with almost every post- that no one will respond- including this one)--

I'm wishing you well,

Mandy

Some people just don't know how to forgive. They lack a pretty important social skill. Once you've apologized, the ball is in their court. One thing that may help in the future is adding to your apology, "Please forgive me." That lets them know that something's required on their part.

If someone doesn't forgive you, it's sad...moreso for them, because they've refused to accept a blessing.

I've found the best way to deal with those feelings of loss are to find somewhere you can get validated. Other people's words leave a stain on your heart. The child's saying, "Sticks and stones will hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me," isn't a truism, but a way to protect yourself from bullys. Words hurt.

Here's my virtual hug: I know it hurts. I'm sorry you are suffering. Making mistakes and learning from them is all a part of being human and growing. You deserve to be forgiven. It takes a special person to have the humility to apologize. There is no defect in you.

Good Morning AG. Thank you for accepting my apology and I accept yours. Your right, this doesn't change a thing between us. I think what we're doing here is responding in a mature manner. We admit miscommunications took place, we apologized and now we can move on. This is the epitamy of a mature and healthy relationship. Thank you for this. I do hope you're doing okay and that you feel better today.

I enjoy our correspondence and don't want that to change. It's business as usual, lol.

Hope you have a lovely day. TgrsPurr. xo

You all are setting a very productive example for the rest of us who are quietly watching to see how you all communicate effectively. Thank you from all parts.