I can't do this anymore

I'm just done. I really don't want to go into details but long story short I told my boyfriend today that it's not going to work out. When I go to grad school it's done for good. I'm not going to kick him out or anything because I couldn't do that to him but my heart is pretty much done with this relationship. And the worst part is that he says he still wants to be with me and when I ask why he says "cause I love you" which, I'm sorry, but that's just not good enough. I cannot stand that every time I ask why he is still in this or why he still likes me when we are at each other's throats I get "cause I still love you". I'm so fed up right now that I just don't even care anymore. This relationship is done. I can't deal with this stuff anymore.

I come home and cook dinner, then bring it out and clean it up while he sits on his *** watching sportscenter. Sorry I'm probably not even making sense right now I'm just rambling. I can't even put my thoughts into words right now because I'm so fed up with this thing that passes for a relationship.

I can hear the frustration, anger and bitterness in your post, sweetheart. I suppose it would be silly to ask if you've told him exactly what it is that you want him to contribute to your life together on a day to day basis. Sometimes men (sorry guys, but this is my opinion) don't see what's in front of them. You think they would see that it is important that they contribute to the household but they don't. A lot of it has to do with conditioning. If he comes from a home where his mother didn't require that he do these things or require his father to do these things then he isn't going to think that he needs to. It's also immaturity. He's still a kid inside. Yeh, I know, all men are. But kids can help out around the house. I think your issues are more than that.

Depending on what you have invested in the relationship, you might try counseling. Otherwise, it's going to make it awkward for the remainder of your time together. What you could do is begin talking realisticly about plans to find housing apart. Simply, begin talking about it and ask him what his plans are? It may make things real for him.

Here are some hugs for you and I hope you feel better soon.

(((((((((((((( salukigirl ))))))))))))))

Told my husband that i couldnt do it anymore a couple of years ago and now he is living with someone else and i am calmer and happier and planning to marry again. You have to speak up, the frustration will only grow, i tried and tried but in the end i had to say enough is enough ~ sounds like you are at that point too. Dont let yourself be suffocated by a relationship that is not working anymore. I still love my ex, but it has been very much spoilt by frustration and resentment over time.

If you really want things to change you need to take control, he wont go unless you tell him to, he is clinging to this relationship. He needs to find himself a place to go so you can both get on and live life the way you want to ~ and find someone who will appreciate you and hopefully one that doesnt wanna watch the damn sports channels all night ~ my ex did that too ~ soooo boring!

I hope you can work things out soon and be happy.

I have said several times that maybe once I would like to come home to dinner already cooked or the house cleaned or even a bubble bath....anything. I don't even know how many times I have straight up said "this is what I need from this relationship". But he feels that buying me things is mutually exclusive with being nice. And I also can't stand that he makes demeaning jokes towards me. Every once in a while its funny but not every single day. he will make jokes about how I should be in the kitchen and he's the man so he owns me and stuff and always says he is joking but I'm starting to think deep down, he really thinks that. It takes WEEKS of me begging him to help me for him to do the dishes. And when he does them he is pissy and still asks me to help him. Took me over a month to get him to cook dinner and he made tortellini.....I'm not sure if you're all aware....but this requires opening a bag, putting it in a pot and letting it boil for a few minutes. He thought that this was major. And then I CLEANED UP! He still asked me for help the whole time and i'm like....seriously.....you can't put pasta in a pot?!

I told him that, to make him realize everything I do, I will go to the extent that I will go hungry for a day. If I have to starve to show him everything I do I will do that. One day I said I'm going to come home, sit on MY laptop and watch sportscenter and see how long it takes for him to realize there isn't food in his lap and the house is dirty.

Ugh, I'm so livid with him. And he LOVES being the bad guy! He says I treat him so horrible but every time I ask what I'm doing because I sincerely don't want to make him feel bad he goes "oh you're right, you're perfect, you don't do anything" but then tells me I treat him like crap? I think he feels that me complaining to him that he doesn't do anything is my way of treating him like crap. And I have told him, maybe if you would just listen, I wouldn't make you feel like crap! And I'm to the point that when he apologizes I don't even care anymore. I'm just through. i feel like I have been screaming my lungs out saying what i need from him and never EVER get it.

OK. As soon as you said "demeaning jokes" I changed my mind. Kick him out. NOW!!!

So you think that even the fact that it's joking it's not appropriate? I tell him that all the time but he still does it. I used to think it was just his sense of humour but then he moved in and it really is that way. I really do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. The only time he helps is if I'm in the cleaning mode and I'm running around doing everything then he'll help for a few minutes but that's it.

I'm starting grad school in May of next year so (if it even lasts that long) that's when it will definitely be over. I don't want to make him look for a place that will only make the lease for like 8 months or something and he doesn't really have any place else to stay so I can't just kick him out. but my investment in this relationship is pretty much done.

it sounds like he probably comes from a family with very traditional gender roles. that's fine if both people want to live that way. i really don't see why you should take care of him for the next 8 months. can you guys go to counseling thru your school? if you're totally over the relationship then i'd tell him to leave. i'm sure he'll manage just fine. he did before you came along so he'll do it again. actions speak louder than words (especially with men) and if you let him stay you are showing him what he's doing is sort of ok after all. giving him some consequences to deal with will hopefully wake him up a bit to realize that most women these days do not think this is acceptable behavior. also, you will probably just become even more resentful having him around taking up space in your place, life, and heart.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shake you up.

I simply have no tolerance for that kind of humor. And I know that you may not have read many of my posts but if anyone has a sense of humor it's me. However, I will not tolerate someone demeaning me in any way. But that's just me. I was married to a guy who would make demeaning jokes about me in front of friends because he knew that I would not start an argument in that setting. The jokes were a little too personal. This was a passive-agressive maneuver that was just plain mean. But I guess it's also personal with me.

I understand your reasoning for letting him stay. I apologize if I came on too strong. My concern is for any permanent relationship with this guy. He has serious issues. He also is very immature. I truly feel you will regret sticking with him.

I'm not going to stick with him. The situation is just too complicated to make it a simple "were done" so we need to talk it out. It's just really difficult actually talking things out with him because when he feels threatened he acts very childish.

You didn't offend me or anything, I totally understand. He does the same things in front of his friends. And his friends will make fun of me and I asked him to, maybe just once, defend me instead of going along with his friends and making fun of me.

I think the thing is, that I don't put up with any crap. I'm very straight forward and I don't hide my emotions and he doesn't understand how to deal with that. And as I'm sure you have experienced, when a woman knows what she wants or needs and isn't afraid to go for it, she is considered a *****. I have told him several times that my education comes first and I'm not putting my needs on hold for him and that makes him very defensive.

I really do think he wants the white picket fence with 2.3 kids and a dog type of life and that's just not me. And we don't see eye to eye on that. Even if we didn't fight, we do not agree at all on extremely important things like finances while you're married, how to discipline children - things that can destroy a marriage. So I think once I realized that we could never work as a married couple I started noticing all these other things he does.

It's just hard for me to think with my mind and not my heart. I have this innate hope that everyone is capable of change and I know that I need to quit trying to 'fix' people and focus on myself but that is easier said than done. In the end I know I need to do what's best for me and somehow I will get out of this relationship. I guess I'm putting up with it for now because, I know once I'm moving in a few months and it doesn't make sense to me to complicate things anymore right now when I'm just going to leave in a little while.

So for right now I'm trying to be civil and over time make him realize that this isn't what i want.

Thanks vickie, you have helped a lot. And thanks to everyone else, too!

There is no reason for you to have to put up with your resentment of his bad behaviour when he is clearly unwilling to put any effort into bettering the situation. He also doesn't know how to give of himself, and as you said, replaces that personal giving with physical gifts. He is not willing to do any work to make your life with him joyful, or even more tolerable. He allows his friends to demean you and does nothing to defend you. You deserve better.

You can not change him - take that knowledge from someone who has been down that road more than once - he will need to change himself, when or if he ever realizes that what he does is wrong. Learn to recognize qualities that one actually possesses, not qualities you believe you could nurture in them, focusing on what you think could be their potential. You can not instill self-awareness, sensitivity, or willingness to take responsibility for one's actions. This thinking isn't fair to them or to your self - it is not your job. You have been expecting something from a man who simply does not have what you need.

You have grad school to look forward to, and you can't afford to be dealing with these issues while you are working hard to complete your education. Make your exit as quickly and cleanly as possible. You have no responsibility for what shape his life takes once you are gone, and you needn't feel badly for leaving him - he doesn't feel badly for treating you in a manner that would make you want to leave.

I wish you the best of luck.

You can tell him you want to live separately without that being "kicking him out".

Why wouldn't he want to hang on to a relationship where so much comes his way...

I know. I fall for it every time. I told him that I have changed a lot, not because my actions made him angry, but because I didn't like those qualities about myself. I asked him if he felt the things I mention are truly bad qualities and he always says yes and he doesn't like being that way. He even said a few months ago that he is tired of ruining relationships from his actions but then does them over and over.

That's interesting mentioning his mom. His mom does EVERYTHING around the house. His dad gets mad at her for buying junk food (he is overweight) but then eats it anyways. She cooks dinner, brings it out and does the dishes. She will even do his laundry for him when he goes to visit. Granted, I take my laundry home too, but I do it myself with my own detergent. She still pays for his cell phone and car insurance and, I'm sorry, but at 26 that seems a little rediculous. He is almost finished with his masters and prides himself on being so independent but at the same time, his mother still pays for half his bills.

It just doesn't seem like he has any empathy for anyone, not even me. And that's a big thing for me. I have enough for about 30 people (a.k.a. I'm a sucker) and I try to see the best in everyone but he is one of those people where something is okay for him but not for other people. He complains when students cross in the middle of the street but I just saw him do it yesterday. He gets mad when people don't accelerate fast enough for him but takes his time if he is in the front of the line. I just don't get it.

It does really seem like a problem with self-awareness. I'm starting to see more signs of narcissism which I know isn't easy to deal with. And considering I'm very neurotic, it makes me even worse. Because, not only does he put the blame on everyone but himself, I automatically think everything is my fault so I have to sit there and tell myself " no, you are valid for feeling this way. this is not your fault" which is really hard for me to do. I almost always feel like I'm, in some way, at fault for his actions.

We have been good today, no fighting yet. We'll see how the rest of the night goes. Thanks again to everyone. You guys have helped me out so much.

i do understand. it's very easy for all of us to tell you to ditch him but of course it's much harder to actually do. i hope things do calm down for both of you. yeah, it's always good to see how someone's family is as that can likely tell you how they will treat you. either that or they do the exact opposite. my family is very traditional but that was all before the 60s. i just read something that said women are less happy than they were 30 or 40 years ago. we have a lot more freedom but it seems we have so many more responsibilities too. i am pretty much just not able to do it all so any guy with me will have to help out quite a bit. that's my story and i'm sticking to it. and i always say men who cook are sexy.

He learned that a relationship is being waited on hand and foot and not contributing. Until he decides he wants something different, this is the kind of relationship he will seek out and stay in. He "loves" that you fulfill this fantasy of a 'relationship'.

If this isn't what you want, you need to be free to look elsewhere.

He's happy, he's not changing because there isn't anything wrong in his world.

We had a huge talk last night in which he said maybe we should just go our separate ways in May when I go to grad school. I told him that I miss when we used to cook together and I would come home to clean dishes and stuff and he said he wants me to go to the gym with him and try not to over react so much. I thought we made a lot of progress.

I still don't know what this means. Right now were just taking it one day at a time. Who knows. Thanks again everyone. I still don't feel very confident about us but we'll see.

Then don't.

That is very good that you could tell him what you want and what you miss, but I am not able to see progress as far as the relationship goes.

His response to your telling him you want to go separate ways in May and that you missed the things you used to do together... is to accuse you of over-reacting and inviting you to the gym, a place he enjoys is more of the same. He is dismissing your feelings and blaming you.

If you want something he can't/won't give, free yourself and start living your new life now.

Echoes...I guess I never looked at it that way. The biggest thing is obviously communication. He feels that showing emotions like yelling when youre mad is over reacting whereas I see it as plainly showing emotions. He was always brought up that way to not show emotion and that guys should be manly. You don't cry, whine or anything. So it's weird for him to be with someone that is very open about showing my emotions and not holding it in.

I would really love it to work out and I can only hope that maybe last night, showing that I'm very serious about not being around forever if it's going to be like this woke him up a little.

Luckily, there is a mutual friend that gets both sides from both of us and can be totally honest by saying who needs to work on what etc... So I talked to her last night and she reassured me that he really does care about me just has a very odd way of showing it? But she also said that doesn't blame me for not wanting to put up with it. She said she wouldn't expect me to stick around if he never helps out around the house and said that every relationship is about sacrificing things for the other but if only one person is sacrificing (a.k.a. me) it's not going to work. She also said that, moving in together too early would be hard for anyone, but that if it were to work out, this shouldn't be the thing to break it up so easily.

So I don't want to necessarily give up considering how much time and effort has been put into it already. I asked him last night about seeing a therapist and he refuses. Maybe once he calms down a little and we're not in the middle of an argument he will be more accepting of going to one because I think, for this to even come close to working, that therapy is needed for both of us.

Thanks again everyone.

Well tonight he helped me make dinner and he called to order a new recycling bin (which I keep forgetting to do) and made a pile for things he is going to take to the storage unit tomorrow. He also asked to go with me and do laundry tomorrow.

So, for one day at least, it has gotten better. He hasn't been obsessed with his laptop or anything like normal and has actually participated in things with me today. So the real test will be to see if this sticks or not.

It sounds more like there is room for you both to grow in your relationship and make it work if you both want that. Communication is the key to all relationships. I wonder if it wouldn't be fun and very rewarding to see a family therapist to help you learn to communicate with one another in ways that make your relationship feel wonderful to you both.

He refuses to go to couple's counseling. His exact words were "**** those people".

But he has helped me (or has totally made dinner himself) the past 3 days. And yesterday we split the dishes in half. I just can't tell if this is one of those just changing for a few weeks or months and then it will all go back to the way it was before, or if its a permanent thing. I guess only time will tell.

What is he afraid of, I wonder.
Learning and growing are good things.

That's what I said. I said the point of relationships is to grow together, to teach each other things and to learn together. I have grown a lot from this relationship because he makes me want to be a better person so I started finding things about myself that I didn't like and changed them. I don't know why he hasn't? Either it's too hard for him or he doesn't feel anything is wrong. He says that I make him want to be the best man in the world but I just don't see it sometimes.

We also had a talk today about me going to grad school and I told him that if he doesn't have any other interest in moving that he shouldn't. I said I don't want him following me to some random place. I have an interview with a prof about grad school this friday so we'll see how that goes but I have a feeling he is going to want to follow me there and that's not what I want. I have had guys follow me cross country when I was moving for my own education and they always ended up resenting me and the relationship ended and they ended up moving back to where they came from.

saluki ,, Hi .....

observing here I see kinda a womans forum stance .... { would ya like a guy point of view ? }


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ok Here it is ,,,,,
wholes bunches of what has been said here ,,, holds true .
And why I quoted this post of yours is so you will remember >>>... You Saw it Coming .

Old saying >> leopard don't change its' spots . You can train 'em to act on command ,,, But really get the S*** to take ? ..... Takes a fricking Lot !

You young ,, keep your priorities straight .... and try not to go to the just a loser and / or demeaning place with yourself ,, or him ... Life is a learning experience ,, some lessons take >> and some don't .
Ya have to choose which ones matter to You ,,, and if it Don't feel right ... ? >>>>>.... Don't do it .

Best I can relate out of my vast knowledge ... LOL . Here's me trying to figure out how to maybe ,,, date again ,,, and make a new life place . * shrugs * ,,,, all I know is what I have already been TAUGHT ,,,, hehe . And Learned !

Good Luck Kid .
WMD.

Saluki, you didn't say that he was unemployed as well, so he can find a place to live. He's not going to leave when you go to grad school or any other time, until you force the issue. If he's unemployed as well, you sure DO need to be done. He can live at the Salvation Army. They'll even give him a job! I know it's hard for YOU to be less than kind, but he doesn't seem to have any problem with it. Congratulations for being emotionally done. When you go to grad school, will YOU be leaving? If so, move into the dorm or someplace where he is physically not allowed to come. billieJ