I need strength

I need strength to get out of my terrible marriage. Physical, emotional abuse... Everything is planned I just need the strength to leave. I keep thinking I will be able to but when it comes down to it... I know I'm not strong enough on my own... I don't want to hurt him, though he's hurt me many times before. I don't want to lose the financial stability... But it needs to be done for me and my daughter. I need the strength... Where do I get it from?

(((Purple)))

(((((((((Purple)))))))))

from trying and trying and trying some more. No matter how many times you get beaten down you CAN get up. And you CAN get stronger.

Wishing the best to you

Believe it or not, you will find inner strength. I never thought I would be strong enough myself, until my husband announced almost 4 years ago we were getting a divorce. I worked through it and found I was strong enough to be a single mom and had family and friends who would help. Obviously, we decided to stay together, and still have many issues to work out. But you will realize you are strong enough not only for your daughter, but yourself too!

i would try staying a nite at ur parents or close friends house once a week and get used to having free time with no objective . do that for a couple weekss and see if you can't build up the strength to think about your needs.

Monday... How will I find the strength by than? Everything has been figured out and is in order, now how do I get the strength to walk out the door? I panic every time I think of going. I have all my t's crossed and i's dotted and still I'm petrified!

(((Purple))) You find the strength in your daughter's eyes. She deserves to know that this is NOT normal behavior and should be treated with love and respect. If you cannot do this for yourself, do this for her. Her future is in your hands. Dignity has no price. Just leave, when the panic sets in imagine your daughter living the life you exist because she doesn't know any better. The first steps are the hardest.

My aunt gave me a very good motivational thought for when I'm going to leave. Problem is the thought brings up terrible feelings. She asked me "What if he is throwing one of his fits and your daughter happens to be in the way. You will no longer have the chance to get her out." That thought TERRIFIES me... The thought of my daughter not being here. But what terrifies me the most is my daughter not being here any more because I was too weak to get her out... I hope this will be able to be my motivation. It's just so hard!

It's very hard to think I can get out, after 5 years I can finally do it. It's so hard to imagine my life so much different... It will be a better different I can see that, but change is still very scary!

PFM, hi
Jme, but part of the abuse you endured drained most of your confidence from you. Any change, no matter how good it will be, is scary and a challenge.
You do have the power and ability to be on your own...free from the shackles this man had on you. Your confidence and self love with grow...perhaps slowly but it will grow.
Trust yourself, please. You've already taken the hardest step--the first one.

One other thought...yes, think about your daughter. Continuing in an abusive situation will teach her that it's all right to treat women like this...is that what you want her to grow up believing? As tough as it is, you are her number one influence, If she is constantly shown that abuse is accepted, she is either going to allow it in her own relationships or she will avoid having any meaningful ones.
By empowering yourself, you are empowering her.

You are a worthwhile human being and deserve to be shown respect and dignity...

Please let us know how you are doing, ok?
We Care

In Peace

Hi purple (((purple)))
I'm sorry you've had to experience abuse for so long. I am concerned for your safety once you do leave. Do you have a battered women's shelter that you can go to?

Purple,
You already have the strength. I spent over 20 years in an abusive marriage. I thought all the same things you mention in your post.

It is the conditioning your husband has used on you to believe you cannot do anything and that you can't live without him. It just isn't true! Once you make the move, the freedom will carry you along.

It will take some time before you relax and feel ok, but little by little you will, and your daughter will begin to relax too.

but the longer you drag it out, the more the fear and anxiety will strengthen its grip on you. Get out now while you can. Especially if you have everything organised and ready. Take a huge deep breath and walk proudly out of that door! Walk towards the life you want and away from the pain and hurt you're in now,

((((((((hugs))))))))
Rhiannon

Thank you everyone for your comments. To answer the question, no I will not be going to a womens shelter. I will be moving in with my aunt. I feel weak but as soon as I feel strong something happens and it kicks me right back down again.

I have to get a job. What if I can't find one? What if no one will hire me? I have such terrible social anxiety as well... How will this work?! Aaaahhh it's getting to me bad right now

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.... I was supposed to pick up my meds and get my new mil ID and decal for our vehicle today... That was the plan... Leaving Monday since everything will have been taken care of... Now I can't. He wont let me. He's forcing me to go to a work thing and will be taking Monday off work... What do I do now?!?!

You are the ONE who is creating your own LUCK and your own DESTINY....
So, think about it and do it.... being unhappy is the worse thing ever....money will come and go....but your time will go forever....make your own way and do whatever you think it's good for you....If he's like this, he will be like this forever and there is no change at all.....

take care my friend
Marjan

If nothing else, simply call MP's or civilian police to escort you out of your house.

Bluestar just told me that they will send police out here to keep me protected while I pack my things... If he's here Monday that's what I will do and I will just have to have all my things sorted out when I get there... Don't have time here any more... Can't put off leaving, got to do it while I am still sure it's the right thing to do

Gotta do it
Gotta do it
Gotta do it
I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
I MUST do it
I MUST do it
I MUST do it...

Have to keep saying these... Gotta keep it in my head, have it embedded in my head... Have to stay strong have to stay smart even though I am in a bad panic

I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible time. Thank God you have your Aunt to go to and you don't need to worry about living arrangements. Make sure you have everything in order(ID, Health cards etc). It's best to leave when he's guaranteed not to be there or have the police escort you. Once you leave please don't be coerced into going back to him with false promises. Don't worry about getting a job - just get out first and take it day by day. Best of luck.

PFM,
You can do this...

When my daughter was leaving her <insert coarse word>, there were three deputies there to protect her while she moved out. He was livid...but she was safe.

Random thought again...he is military and will most likely think twice about doing anything with MPs or civilian police there.
*He* will have to tread lightly or it can cause trouble for him.

You can do this. No matter how much you are shaking, crying, or fearful...you can do it.
The alternative of staying with him doesn't sound very safe, physically or mentally for you and your daughter , does it?

You will be in my thoughts,
Catherine

WHY? WHY NOW? He's trying to be nice now and I don't like it! I hate it because it makes me want to change my mind but I can't! Why now? 5 years and why does he choose today to be nice? Jst 3 days before I plan to leave? UUUUUGGGGHHHH

He does this all the time! He goes through nice bits for a couple days after things have gotten really bad. But these good days don't last long. Please let me stay convinced he wont change, please let me stay convinced things wont get better and please don't let this make me change my mind because I feel bad!!!

So so terrible, one thing after the other is going wrong since I decided to leave... I need this, can't just one part about this be easy?!

Control...Make You Doubt Yourself...Put The Blame On You.

PFM, there is no easy or right answer
but
there seems to be some anger along with understanding his attitude showing in this post.
Don't doubt yourself or the reasons you are doing this...
Take back your power, it's there within in you
Deflect his deadly attempt at making you the one responsible for everything.

Don't doubt yourself or lessen your resolve to protect yourself and your daughter.
Jmo/jme, but if you give in? It will go back to the way it was, you will be even more afraid to leave, and you may just end up having to take even more abuse because you tried to leave...please think twice before you hand over that power to him.

Keep posting, we are here, we care

Catherine

Thanks for your response. My aunt told me a day or two ago (my days are all blending together lately) that I will be tested, I will be tested more than I can imagine when it comes time to leave. Things will make it harder and things will make me want to stay. She said this tests me and my strength, tests if I really want out and if I'm strong enough to do what I have to do. I just didn't think I would be tested in every way imaginable. I didn't know I would have to go through all of this just to get my life back. And the hard road is just going to get harder and more painful. But it's what I need so I think I will be able to over come everything... It's just so hard. The doubt the security, everything makes it so hard and my moods concerning this are all over the place. I just wish one thing would be easy, just one.

(((((((((PurpleFlyingMonkeys)))))))))

well....everybody is different....but if you think too intense and emotional, then it makes it harder....just let it go and do what you got to do....
take care
Marjan

I would have to say as some others have said. Get the strength from your daughter. Think about if you want your child to grow up in that kind of environment. I don't think you want that for your daughter. The effects will be longlasting.

I have been on both ends of this. Growing up in a home where my parents screamed and yelled constantly. My father beat my mother and my brothers. I love my parents very much regardless of how I grew up. My dad has changed alot. But I am now 35 years old and I have never forgotten those things from my childhood. I know they have affected me and my brothers. They did get divorced after we were all adults. But sometimes I look back, and almost wish they had separated when we were children so my brothers and I would not have to have been put through all that.

On the other end, I also ended up in a very abusive relationship. Was in it for 6 years, way too long. I tried for years to leave, but he stalked and harrased me to the point that it was more scary being away from him, than it was being with him. Where did I finally get the courage? I really can't say. I didn't have children as you do, but I found the courage to finally get out. I thought of how I could no longer go on with my life like that. The hardest thing for me was I knew in order to be totally free and safe, I had to leave my home, my family and everything I loved.

It was hard, but I honestly can't say to this day where the courage came from. But I woke up one morning and said I just can't do this anymore. I left with $3 and the clothes on my back. There had been times in that 6 years I had money saved to leave, but could not find the courage to do it. I left that morning and didn't look back. I moved completely across the country to get away from him, to be safe and start a new life.

I'm so glad I did. :-) You can do that too. Please think of your little girl. Be careful and be safe, I wish you the best of luck. You are worth more than you realize. Don't let someone continue to put you down, degrade you and make you think different. It took me some time to get my confidence back, but I did. You can too.

I had to go out with him to a work thing today. It was hard and I just wanted to scream the entire time. I beat him at the game he forced me to play than on the way out to the car guess who drives slowly past us? None other than the lawyer from yesterday. He winked and smiled at me and I forced a smile than directed my face back to facing the ground. Husband didn't notice. He's trying his hardest not to throw a fit right now. Don't know why since he knows nothing about what I plan. I guess it is his way of keeping control over me. Either way I was doubting everything of course until I saw the lawyer. It's like he was there just for the purpose of reminding me there is a reason for this. Of all the lawyers and all the streets to be parked on (we weren't parked in the place we were supposed to be) he had to be there at that exact time to remind and reassure me... It's just going to be hard... But it will be worth it.